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4/11/2011 c1 12Loqwell
I rather like this. You managed to avoid the "sing-song" quality most rhyming songs take on, which I think wouldn't have worked well with this subject.

The use of "land" in the third line made me pause because it would have been fully in line with the first line had it ended there and for a second my inner voice wanted to stop like it had. However, I think that pause actually does the reader good, because it's about there that the reader needs to start paying a bit more attention. All the same thought I would mention it in case it wasn't intentional.

In all though, I'm momentarily enamoured with this little poem. Each little image/reference made me want to think on it, and I think the best poems are more full than we at first take them for. That being said, I think perhaps this poem could benefit from punctuation. I will admit to getting a bit lost at times, and punctuation is a bit like road signs for the reader.

Happy writing! (Aren't you thankful you can login again? I nearly sighed happily when I didn't land up on that blasted error page upon clicking 'login' a few minutes ago.)

~Loqwell

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