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for Invincible

4/11/2011 c1 1Sax and Violins
Hi there!

This is well-written and well-shaped, which (given the layout) I think is intentional, as far as the visual scan for the piece. The 'one wrong move/one misstep' lines are rightly slow, and I like the pace they give.



Tense shift: 'After hellish flames have incinerated all we owned.'

Repeated word: 'Nature's all-powerful hand' is too close to 'are all guided' - maybe 'are both guided' instead? I'm not too keen on the enjambment with 'Are,' either, but unfortunately can't find an easy fix.

I don't like the ellipses after 'After so many lives have been lost' - I think the line would be stronger with just a period.

Fate and Nature feel like too-easy shorthand for things that I think could be given more interesting names. I'd play around with the wording of that part a bit; I think with a bit more individuality to that section, the poem would be slightly stronger.

There's a too obvious contradiction with 'lives have been lost/how can we think that we are immortal?' - I know it was intended, but it feels somewhat obvious.

I think you could have a stronger closing line too. 'We're just human' sounds like a less sharp and severe sentiment than the rest of the poem, and I'd find something with a bit more resonance behind it to replace that conclusion.


Just some thoughts; hope they help! Enjoyable read, though.

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