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for Just Another Night

7/28/2011 c1 67moongazer7
Interesting story. I enjoyed it a lot. I enjoyed the background information and also your descriptions. Those were both fantastic. I enjoyed your main character he seems like an interesting man.
7/25/2011 c1 62YFIQ
Now I know who's the real killer is, the irony.

Great work on the twist ending, didn't saw that one coming.
5/15/2011 c1 4k.mogami
Let me start off by I'm one of those people who read the ending first before reading the entire book. My thing is if I don't like how the story is going to end, why would I read it? It's just going to disappoint me and piss me off that it ended that way. And I have read way too many great stories that end with stupid conclusions. That being said, I don't really read the ending of a one-shot because it's usually short and I can get through it within a few minutes or so. But because you have mentioned my interesting little quirk, I was tempted to, but choose not to per your request.

Onto the actual review now, lol. It would be a little helpful if you had called Bill, Will or something. I know that Bill can be used as a nickname for William, but when I read that he was dead, I was like "who is this guy?"

I have to admit, did no catch the reference, but I've always been bad at them unless they relate to shows I watch or things like that.

The twist was kind of... sub-par. I kind of guessed it, so to see it happen, it was okay. Maybe because of the age we live in, when someone says twist, I expect like mind-blowing and I didn't really get that here.

It's a good first attempt at a twist story.
4/16/2011 c1 1Starshinegirl404
Whoa, did not see that coming. It's really good!
4/16/2011 c1 8Brix Herrera
Loved this. I love how the twist was revealed.
4/14/2011 c1 Frap
Per your request here you go...Oh yes, and since you want something that has detail, then this will be as you ask. Detail.

The taxi driver has opened up with the dirty windshield, but when you talk about how the bugs are similar to the city its sort of a weak comparison.

You described the guts, blurr, and streaks...right? Then the city should be just like those bugs. Looking for fun in the fast lane just to have city life smack the crap out of them, and circumstances smear their resolve all over, their blurry hopes and dreams. You see, that helps tie in the bugs and the feeling that the city is depressing sort of. The fun place to visit, sounds as if you were going on vacation. So make sure your details keep to your tone.

Now you've got a lot of 'nights in the next couple of sentences. Keep the first one and drop the other two. The taxi driver sounds more real that way. And if they are sort of casually talking don't be so technical...'Not very many people out tonight; the temperature's too high.'

Better stated as - 'Not many folks out; too hot (or its a scorcher...etc.)

How does a guy get kicks from getting tips? Do you mean guys gotta make a living from a little side cash...or something like that? Look at your tone here. The taxi driver is hankering on proper and not so proper. The vernacular used wavers between a sort of gentleman, and a commoner, so make sure he stays in character throughout to make him more real, and not like a character you are making up. If that doesn't make sense just let me know.

Trust me if this guy is paying alimony and child support, he wouldn't be talking about tip money going to help that. He should say something more to - 'I shouldn't grumble at those few pennies folks leave in the tray. With the child support and alimony soaking up my check to keep that wench happy, I barely make enough to keep up the bills. Course my kids deserve every bit of child support I can muster so driving these cheapskates ain't so bad.' Now this is the same thing you said, but more in character with the driver you started off with, at least that's how I interpret him to be like.

The next paragraph is a better picture of the taxi driver and the tone. I saw a couple of things, but you didn't ask for me to pick the story apart so I'll continue. But just know that paragraph was more to the voice of the driver.

Now the next part with the cops, you get into I don't know a telling of the story. The sentences are short and sort of choppy when it goes into the dialogue. The banter is nice and we find out that Johnny used to be a cop, but the sentence talking about seeing the cops we, I'm not sure, not like you. It didn't have the high level vocabulary that you normally use for descriptions. Sort of felt more like an outline, which this may be, but you don't want to feel that way. So just look over it and I can go into detail if you want.

The stranger sounds like one of my characters...LOL. But you let the 'he's' have it. There is a lot of telling in the next paragraph that is stealing your approach to thrill or cause one to think of this guy as off or strange, so drop the he's and throw in more description. Some imagery would be great here bringing his features alive like the power his eyes had on Johnny. Oh yeah, and those names...Please tell me you were just throwing some names in there. Spruce those up. Johnny,Bill, Tod, Patrick, they're all very generic names to use and since this is following a pattern often use, then try doing something different.

Okay, the 'I's' tried to take over in the next couple of sentences which is taking away from your feeling of thrillerness. I know that's not a word, but you don't want to dull down your climax nor the eerie customer. Also describe his look with imagery.

Alright, when I started out, I figured it was the driver only because I've seen a boat load of crime films, stories, and the one you least expect is normally the person so the ending for me wasn't too much of a twist.

I know you are a strong writer, so since this is your first time taking a shot at this, I'll point out something that would help with the build at the end. The taxi driver's feelings about the officer's tipped us off as to what was going to happen. To make it more of a 'hm...Oh my gosh, moment you should've had the guy get out in some other location, away from the officer's so it wouldn't be obvious. Possibly drop him off around a club and describe pretty college girls or something. That way, your audience would be thinking about the girls and be shocked when the news talk about the cops being murdered.

The other thing is the name of the killer. I think I've heard of a film or book called the The Midnight Killer, so you need something less generic and more dramatic for your thriller. If his M.O. has been college girls, use that. You can even give the number of the age he kills within to make it interesting. Killer 21 has struck again, or The College Street Murderer, or something like that.

Now when he goes about saying that the M.O. didn't change, you need to let the words tell us and not the driver. Like,

'The boys in blue got all the other things right, except my M.O. didn't change last night. Tonight, I'll avenge my buddies and make sure my next victim, the copy cat S.O.B., feels my blade.'

That way it's dramatic, it let's us know that he's the murderer, and it shows, he cares about his comrades, yet still holds no regards for life since he plans to cut down the guy who is copy catting.

I pray this helps and you please know that this critique is to help. I love thrillers and twisted stories and well all my stuff is like this so this was right up my alley. If I could get into the forum, we could talk more, alas, we can't. Just P.M. me if you have any questions and if you didn't want all of this then sorry.

I also only write these things as suggestions you know, and so if you use them great, if you don't then it's still cool. Later and please let me know if you need anything else critique like this.

4/14/2011 c1 2Lucky October Skye
oh, I like the ending! It wasn't what I was expecting at all :D I really like your style of writing, how if you read it for a second time there are definite signs that the taxi driver is the murderer, but only signs you'd realize if you knew he was the killer... hahaha, I'll stop rambling now.. Sorry, it's a bit of a habbit (=
4/14/2011 c1 3Rosemarysgraden001
Charlie Horse, I have had the urge to call you that for awhile.

Anyway I can really see your personality shine through in your writing. I like the personality of the cab driver and I do want to say not all college girls are that easy lol.

The ending is cool, it sets you up for the next chapter.

This isnt the worst thriller I read,it isnt the best.

~Rose~ (Reviews can be repayed via the wild one.) or if u reviewd that when I put of Wider World Woman ,give it love!

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