Just In
for Sin

1/1/2013 c30 geekman9097
you definitly have avery unique writing style. ever thought of having some kind of dimensional rift open up and the charectars in Sin and Blazing heart's saga have to fight a common evil?
1/1/2013 c9 geekman9097
I love your writing style. you have an interesting way of keeping your readers captivated. keep up the good work, and may fire eternal be your best novel yet!
6/10/2012 c43 Core
Generally, I'd say, you've rounded off this story pretty well. Your writing has remained *mostly* consistent throughout which is a good thing :D! I also like the fact that your main characters *do* die - adds a sense of realism to war 8D. however, there were a few parts I was a bit...well, lets say disappointed by.

There were a few sub-plots you could have probably spawned, for example, Thea, I mean, it would have been really, really nice if we got to understand/ know a bit of her wit better and the formation of her grand plan that resulted in the wedding. I feel this would've added to her character.

I think it would have been really cool if you could have expanded on this idea of "...we can only trust ourselves...no one else..." that was going on between three of the First Ones/First Demons(Fae?) as the main crew marched to the final battle. You know, one of those 'prove your worth' things they could've set up for Artos and Sin 8D.

That brings me to another point - the conflict some of the First Demons had over who held the conscience over the entity that was both 'Sin' and 'Artos' could be explored through this as well.

Also, you know Harrison's two demons? The ones that Sin said had been aiding them all along as red/blue animals/humans etc? Perhaps it is just me, but, this "helping out" they have done seriously escapes me :/...it was kind of like "huh? they were there? where on earth did they pop out from? o_O"

Oh yeah! I just remembered, you know the part whereas Sin tells Kelrick to speak up during the meeting (with Prince Antonio, the advisers etc...)after Lisana orders him to be silent? This could have been emphasised upon, I think, you know...since the fact that Kelrick disobeyed Lisana and did as Sin told him to is something *unheard* of in the world which they live.

On a lighter note, I really liked the introduction of Solomon and Gwynthr, as in, the idea of the First Demons and final Dragon still existing but in deep slumber. Sadly, you know like one of those soft drinks you have that come in cans? You drink it, it is empty, therefore it holds no more use and you throw it away. That's pretty much...what it felt like with these two characters you know? As if they served only for the purpose of "driving the plot forward" and when that happened, poof, they're dead.

Likewise, with Sin's character development...perhaps it is just me but his change was like doing a sudden 180 degrees. He starts out as this righteous young man who is Lisana's champion and childhood friend. He is, undoubtedly, willing to protect her with all his might whilst sharpening his skills with weaponry over the course of the story. This is okay; good. But - suddenly, a few months later, he's still righteous, yes, but, suddenly he's a captain and ordering people around. We see very little of this *mid ground*, only the start and the finish before he reunites with Artos, the demon king like there's no progression, just a big jump.

Okay, I shall stop now. I think I've rambled enough 8D, ignore me, I got a bit too hyped up with reviewing as you can see from the wall of text above.

So, closing up this review, I'd say,

Best of luck.

I look forward to your up and coming works.

...and I hope they have just as great naming schemes as this ficlet did!

5/19/2012 c42 1Yustin Kole
I love your story but it's getting awfully close to Lisana and Antonio instead of Lisana and Sin and that would be a sucky turn in the story!
2/25/2012 c1 30Neuravinci
Very nice first chapter-lots of action/excitement and a glimpse of characters without info overload. Not an easy balance to achieve, but you've done it well.
10/19/2011 c7 1i-dream-thestorm
three comments on this chapter:

yew is a wood that is closely associated with evil and or death - intentional? If so, this was a nice touch. Well done

you've already introduced such an intricate magic system, and I know simplicity was what you were going for when Lisana practices the fire and rain spells, but I find that this was a little unbelievable. I suggest mayhap using a short intonation of sound? to simplify the spell even more? I dunno though, this is your form of magic.


just a question, if Sin were to practice 'shooting a round' so to speak, couldn't he shoot them into a field (or specifically placed targets) and retrieve them?

and lastly - oooooh.. "oiled vellum" instead of a plain ol' "quiver" I liked that, lovely touch of description.
9/23/2011 c6 i-dream-thestorm
It's about time I actually sat down and reviewed this story.

about halfway through this chapter, I'm thinking, now where have I heard this story before? Ooohhhh you didn't steal from the Bremen Town Musicians did you...*facepalm* you did. OH. that's what you were going for? well, at least you put in an A/N

"Kelrick and Thalia circled, looking like hungry animals, though they remained in human form." this. this is weak.

"Orrin found that he could not fit in the door in his animal form." this too.

I hate to be a backseat writer, and I don't want to be a snob by saying this, but I feel that this is incredibly under-descriptive. Maybe I'm just a flowery writer, but I know you, you can be much more descriptive than that.

you could have written Kelrick and Thalia to be slavering, menacing, positively DEMONIC *pardon the pun* villains. hunching their shoulders over like raising hackles, yeah?

"Thalia slinked past him to curl up on the mantle," try "Thalia slunk..." just a little slip in tense.

However, I'm LOVING your dialogue/character voices. absolutely. In previous chapters, Kelrick, Orrin, and Thalia were incredibly difficult for me to visualize, you introduced/wrote them so thinly! The voices for the bandits, were wonderful, and their bit with the demons, I enjoyed. a whole lot.

and on that note. you rotten thief.
9/17/2011 c1 5Dr. Self Destruct
Opening: I like how you open this chapter with an action scene, because action always serves to help hook a reader right away. Your descriptions of the main character in the first few paragraphs were well placed with how you mention his hair color and some of his physical attributes without overloading us with information. I didn't really like how you list off the names of his companions: "Where was Anjaru? He, Kelrick and Thalia had staved..." mainly because it was distracting due to the fact that I felt like it was something I should be remembering. Perhaps just mentioning 'his friends' or 'his companions' would be better, because after reading this chapter and seeing how a lot of characters are introduced, tossing out random names without introducing the characters themselves (in my case) only serves to confuse me, and it didn't stick with me.

Characters: I have to admit, I felt very overloaded with the amount of characters you're introducing. Now, having a wide cast of people is never a bad thing, but a lot of these characters pop in for a few lines and then disappear. They don't really leave much of an impact that I'll remember for very long, but I think it's more the name tossing than anything else. I'm not really sure how to smooth over something like this without pausing to add some back-story or explanation, which isn't a good idea since this is an action scene and readers are going to skim over things to get to the juicy parts. Perhaps sticking to a couple characters in this chapter would be best, gradually introducing the others.

In terms of the character's personalities, I do like how Artos doesn't enjoy harming his own kind. It shows he has some compassion, and I find that to be an interesting prospect considering he's a demon. It's always nice to see characters that don't stick to a certain mold.

Dialogue: I do like your dialogue, each character has a unique way in which they speak, though at times things do get a bit... melodramatic, I guess is the word. This is completely personal preference, of course, but I'm not a fan of dialogue during fight scenes. Personally, if I was fighting for my life, I'd be more concentrated on not dying than trading glib words/threats. But, it does make the action move lively at some points, and helps with character development. Just be careful not to overdo it.

Ending: I do like how you ended this with Artos dying, considering I don't usually see beginning chapters where a protagonist-like character is offed so quickly. I didn't really like how those people near the end happened to stumble across his corpse, though. It appeared that Artos was reaching out for them before he died, but I wasn't sure and couldn't make that connection. It would make more sense if that were the case, so I would suggest making it more obvious how indeed these people happened to find his dead body. Also, I find it strange that his enemies would leave his corpse behind and not take it with them... but that might just be me.

I have some suggestions in terms of grammar/sentence flow:

[He slid to a stop in [] mossy ground of a clearing and whirled around.]

Edit: I think you're missing a 'the' between 'in' and 'mossy'? I dunno... the sentence still sounds awkward. I would consider rephrasing it.

["Come on out!" he called in a voice [that seemed to shake the earth.]]

Style: 'Seem' is generally a filler word and one you might want to shy away from, especially in third person narrative. It lags the flow of the overall sentence. I suggest making the bracketed words "that shook the earth". It's more dramatic, powerful, and to the point.

[This seemed to make the odd man pause.]

Style: Same as above example. I suggest wording the sentence "This made the odd man pause." to cut out some unneeded filler words.

[The shadows quavered to his left, and revealed a beautiful woman with perfect, seductive curves.]

Edit: Remove the comma before 'and' since the clause after it is not an independent clause.

["Ehehehe!" he cackled again.]

Style: I'm not a big fan of spelling out laughter. Simply saying 'he cackled again' gets the same message across and (in my opinion) is more professional.
7/19/2011 c4 18Stephanie M. Moore
I was about to stay that I was sort of bored by this chapter until the ending with the Chancellor. Even though you still kept the action high in this chapter, it didn't hold my interest quite as well.

But you brought it back by introducing this new conflict. It would be bad if Harrison's town was destroyed, that would make it difficult for Lisana and Sin to return home. So, you still managed to capture my attention in the end. The switch in perspective was a good tool to keep things moving.

I'm not a huge fan of the exclamation point at the end of the sentence. It's a little over-dramatic and comic-book-villain. Generally, I would stay away from them except for in dialogue. That may be a little picky, but it's just my opinion.

So, I'm enjoying this story so far. Keep it up!
7/19/2011 c3 Stephanie M. Moore
I'm impressed by your writing style. Occasionally, you have an awkward phrasing, but overall, I've really enjoyed the way you write and your clean grammar. It's so nice not to need to nit-pick over grammar.

Chifumi is great for comic relief. I love his character. He really lightens the dialogue with all of these serious preparations going on.

Wow. This is a pretty intricate magic system. You kind of have an "information dump" moment, but I think that it's fine. It was informative.

Oh! So Harrison thinks that it is Lisana who brings equality, but we know it's a guy. I have a feeling that you are going to kill her off to knock her off the list... but there is the fact that the demons bonded with her. Hmm.. so many mysteries.

Fairy tales? You've definitely piqued my curiosity now! I'm looking forward to the next chapter... good work!
7/19/2011 c2 Stephanie M. Moore
"He swung off of his sleeping pallet and through on one of his three pairs of clothes."

through should be threw

""Happy birthday!" Henrietta chuckled, and passed him a plate of warm pancakes."

There shouldn't be a comma after "chuckled" but the sentence doesn't flow right once it's removed. Perhaps you could it to say "chuckled before she passed him..." to avoid the problem.

I'm curious about what Chifumi is supposed to be. The first comparison that comes to mind is The Golden Compass, and the demons that they have. I hope there will be some illumination on their relationship in future chapters.

Great descriptions of the training/battle scene! I was really able to follow everything in my mind.

Good job introducing little facts about Sin, too. It seems that he may be the child from the end of the last chapter. Still, several good questions are already coming to the forefront. Even at these early stages, you seem to have a good handle on where you want this story to go, and that really helps your reader to relax and enjoy the ride.
7/19/2011 c1 Stephanie M. Moore
I'm going to review as I read...

Lots of information in this chapter... lots of names, but it seems that you've thrown us into the middle of a very important scene, and I'm drawn in immediately. I love the superb descriptions in the first couple of paragraphs, it really helps the readers immerse themselves in the world quickly.

Cool action in this opening chapter. This is a really interesting world you've created here. Lots of emotion in this opening chapter, and I already see how you are tying in your description into this first chapter.

I wonder what he was trying to do with the baby. I hope we get some clarification later. I like the little bit at the end. I wonder if the baby will end up being the protagonist for the story? I think the transition between the different settings was well-handled without having to use a divider. It flows nicely.

Well done on a great opening chapter!
5/24/2011 c1 7Spriggs
Throughout this first chapter I kept thinking about how I would have wrote it differently. It seems to be a habit I've developed since writing my own story. Anyway, moving on. There were several sentences that I believed where missing some words, and one sentence or two kind of confused me, despite the amount of times I read it out loud.

"He slid to a stop in mossy ground of a clearing"

suggestion- "He slid to a stop, in the mossy ground of a clearing"

"Dunyi the Fear-monger had allied himself was Talreya,"

suggestion - "Dunyi the fear-monger allied himself with Talreya,"

And speaking of "Dunyi" I'm guessing he likes to refer to himself in the third person?

"Talreya was lifted off her feet and thrown several feet back. When she landed, she struggled to regain her compusre."

Suggstion - "Talreya was knocked several feet back, and when she landed, she struggled to regain her composure."

Question. Shiradre released a "cloud" of black widow spiders. And Artos incinerated "several" of her spiders. So by "several" did you mean "all" of her spiders were incinerated by the lightning strike? Cause later in the fight scene, I found myself wondering where the other spiders were, because I did not get the feeling that they were "all" incinerated.

"The man ducked and weaved and tried to avoid the steady assault"

After reading that sentence, and taking a look at the dictionary. I failed to see how the word "weaved" fit into a sentence about dodging an attack.

"I doubt even the Chancellor has resources enough to break through"

suggestion - "I doubt even the Chancellor has resources (strong) enough to break through"

Who was the first man? And why did he say "and for all we know, the king is dead!" Surely he was referring to Artos, but why say that "after" discovering his body? It seems more like something to say "before" discovering his body.

What happened to kelrick? I assumed he was one of the three men who arrived to see Artos's body.

Lastly, What kind of monkey is chifumi? Does she have a tail? When it was demonstrated that she was small enough to pick up in ones arms. I began to wonder if she resembled a young chimpanzee, or a spider monkey. Or perhaps a lemur?

The beginning of this chapter did not really capture my attention, or interest. But that changed as I went on, and learned the little details about the characters involved. The names are very unique. You seem to have a talent when comes to making names. However, I think I will have trouble picturing Kutayara as a male, simply because of his name.

This concludes my review.
4/26/2011 c3 1i-dream-thestorm
I love Chifumi. that is all.

actually, I lied. I'm not sure if I enjoy that she can talk.

but I love her. so that's okay.

your writing...still sounds awfully forced..and that's disappointing, because I was really starting to enjoy this story.

oh. and in your second chapter? "he through on...clothes"
4/26/2011 c3 6UNDERLANDERfromtheOVERLAND
ohh! I love fairytales! I STILL am amazed by your ability to create worlds, I can barely come up with a plot! (and they're always cleche, anyway)
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