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for Unseen Boundaries

2/19/2017 c6 13Shailaputri
The title suits the story. :)
4/10/2014 c6 3cypress16
Hi,

Oh, so there is a difference in the recalled memories... I think... gets a little fuzzy at the end... I'm guessing maybe unintended, unwanted (maybe?) intimacy seen by a jealous boyfriend... but why no explanation, discussion, contact after? why? hum...

I'll explain why 'Bert' ended as it did if you let me know how you planned on ending this story... Deal?

John
4/10/2014 c5 cypress16
Hi,

Sooo... the stories match, interesting. Given there is only one chapter left, I have a very bad feeling I'm going to be left with a few questions...

John
4/10/2014 c4 cypress16
Hi,

Oook... interesting... it appears you have a very large elephant dancing around the room while these two are maintaining a cool business discussion. The small hints at his history in the prior chapter have a few thoughts coming to mind... but I'll soon see...

John
4/10/2014 c3 cypress16
Hi,

Ah, an introduction of the 'other half'...

Very calm responsible young man doing more than expected his first day... very much more. Your descriptive characterization makes me wonder what the issue was Allie had with him?

On I go to find out.

John
4/7/2014 c2 cypress16
Hi,

Ahhh... now a glimpse of why Allie is who she is... I can make some guesses, but will not and let you open up her history as I progress through the story.

By the way, the writing is very good... a unique style and tone.

John
4/7/2014 c1 cypress16
Hi,

Hum... Lots of 'stuff' about the character, but all surface, nothing about the person inside. A cold almost calculating description of a world and this inhabitant.

I'll be interested to see why she is the person she is... hopefully there beats a spark of human warmth somewhere in her soul...

John
10/10/2013 c2 4Veronica Fay
How does she know Jacob?! I'm going to have to keep reading! great job!
10/10/2013 c1 Veronica Fay
HI! I thought this was an unique prologue! I would think that a piece of work entirely focused on back story and not going into the plot of the story would lose my attention, but this didn't! it was well written and I found the descriptions of the jobs and how the new system works extremely different and interesting. You did a great job at portraying the main character as a very average person. I'm interested to learning more and maybe see how the main character may be more than average! :) Great job!
5/14/2013 c1 16IceraMyst
I typically don't offer any constructive criticism on stories more than a few years old simply because I cringe when someone does so to my own work, as advice I needed five years ago no longer applies now and I'd really just like to forget that story ever happened. However, you seem to be actively writing otherwise, as on your blog and so on, so I thought I'd count this most recent story as current enough.

First of all, your ideas are solid and you have a good grasp of scifi elements. The casual mentions of being in university and the operation's funding methods help build a greater world than what is directly seen, which is crucial in creating a landscape for the content. While the character in the prologue does provide quite an info dump, most of the terms are not explained right away or are explained with further unknown terms, which helps ground the reader into a narrator that is comfortable with the world around them and expects the reader to be, too, and is one of the quickest and best ways to invest the reader into the story.

The single area that could make the most positive change in the story is consideration of perspective. You've chosen first person perspective, which is used for character-centric, closed and limited perspective of events, as well as framing narratives like a lying or mislead narrator. Third-person is used to give a greater scope for events that can be viewed with different lenses and from different points in time and space, where characterization is mostly shown through dialogue and action. And there are a bunch of others, of course, but the important bit is that choosing a perspective over another one implies an authorial reason to do so, with all the responsibility that follows.

Info dumps like the one in the prologue are ideal for the first person PoV you've chosen because in first person it is within the narrator's head that the most characterization takes place, while dialogue and action often tend to provide breaks from this. However, this is only true when the information is conveyed mostly to show off that particular character's voice. Your character shows almost nothing of him(her?)self in the prologue - and I am not in any way referring to looks or even gender here, but the way in which the character feels about their world or anything they do. It is possible you meant to create complete detachment of what they're discussing, as this line indicates: "My job suited me. I made a living," which suggests that the character cannot imagine any other reason they'd have the job they just so carefully described. If this line was repeated throughout the prologue, I could fully believe an android main character, especially paired with lines like: "Of course, like most who can afford the time and very low cost, I have continued with regular classes to train my abilities to their utmost and understand and control their full potential," an equally programmed statement.

If you didn't intend to have a robotic narrator, then I would suggest thinking very carefully about why you wanted to write this story. If you really like character introspection and were earnestly trying for, say, a coolly indifferent office drone, then I would suggest trying characterization writing exercises before tackling your next project; there are hundreds online, but a good one for you might be the first google result for 'miller characterization exercises'. It's very difficult to simply point to a phrase and say, 'this one captures a character, this one doesn't,' but most people have studied other people enough that sometimes just jostling yourself out of a bad habit can fix the problem.

On the other hand, if you had a lot more fun coming up with the job description and the world and so on, then I would strongly suggest switching to the third person in future stories. You'd have to change the prologue of this one so that you were following someone around throughout the day doing the actions of their job, rather than just talking about it abstractly, but then you'd have much more freedom to keep the tone you already have. "Feng Xi's job suited her. She made a living. She exercised her Talents" then becomes dry humor, and because the reader doesn't expect the narrator to have a distinct, stylized personality, there is no feeling of discontent produced.

I hope this advice is helpful to you, and that you keep writing. Keep up the good work!

-IM
8/16/2012 c6 Robyn Dessey
I already hate Joseph just because of his bleach-tipped hair! Haha!

So it's been a while since you've updated - I hope you're still working on this story! And I hope the lack of reviews hasn't discouraged you. I just think most people on this site are 14 year old girls who want to read about vampires and werewolves, and they wouldn't appreciate the time and effort you've put into this anyway.

You've created a very believable, complex world, and I hope you continue with it!
8/16/2012 c5 Robyn Dessey
You write so well, I'm jealous! I'll admit that this isn't the type of story I usually read, and I had a little bit of trouble getting through the prologue - so many facts to absorb! But I think it set a nice tone for the story and I was able to get a good grip on Allie's character, which is why I was so surprised to find out she CHEATED on Jake! That doesn't seem like something she would do, and now I have to know why!
5/26/2012 c1 6Andene
Hiya!

Well, your story is certainly interesting. I'm actually curious to find out what problems your main character has been handed by Mr.Boss.

I really like how you've described the job the character is doing, but left enough of the description out for me to come back and find out. Very mysterious... D

It's also interesting how the voice of the character sounds robotic...I'm hoping that that will change gradually. I'm a little curious as to why you've left the main character so ambiguous. It's all in first person, yet in the prologue you don't really know much about him/her...but I like that! D

Will read further!
11/18/2011 c1 8Flair Tykara
Sorry about this, but I have no other option.

You've disabled your PMs, I can't PM you back at all. As for the connection, you haven't sent it, or at least its not there to accept.
9/13/2011 c5 Crazy.Kc
Hi, just found your story and I have read nothing like it before. Everything is written really well and I guess my only criticism is the length of chapters but it is nothing major. I can't wait to read what's next.

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