for Yellow5/26/2011 c1 
5Rainbow35
I like the way Annie babbled at the birds in response to their singing, because it's so cute and toddler-like. I like the way they're in a forest and it's so nice and peaceful and everything, because I kinda like nature and that sort of thing.
I also like the way that it kind of seems like a cliffhanger, because even though it's not blatantly cliffhanger-ish, it's still enough to make you wonder what happens next and all that.
5Rainbow35I like the way Annie babbled at the birds in response to their singing, because it's so cute and toddler-like. I like the way they're in a forest and it's so nice and peaceful and everything, because I kinda like nature and that sort of thing.
I also like the way that it kind of seems like a cliffhanger, because even though it's not blatantly cliffhanger-ish, it's still enough to make you wonder what happens next and all that.
5/26/2011 c2 9Sakina the Fallen Angel
I really like your descriptions here - all of your wordings and phrasings seem really poetic and evocative, so much so that I could vividly picture every scene that you were setting. I also like the tone of the narrative as it has a calm and gentle feel to it, which works really well with your descriptions. Wondering if the girl from the prologue is the girl in this chapter...
~ Sakina x
9Sakina the Fallen AngelI really like your descriptions here - all of your wordings and phrasings seem really poetic and evocative, so much so that I could vividly picture every scene that you were setting. I also like the tone of the narrative as it has a calm and gentle feel to it, which works really well with your descriptions. Wondering if the girl from the prologue is the girl in this chapter...
~ Sakina x
5/24/2011 c9 S. Alvette
Mm. The plot thickens...
Can't wait to see more! Nothing wrong grammatically that really stuck out for me.
Mm. The plot thickens...
Can't wait to see more! Nothing wrong grammatically that really stuck out for me.
5/22/2011 c1 82Solemn Coyote
Hi. Thank you very much for the review. Two Worlds happened kinda by accident, but the responses I've been getting to it have been great. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Here's my review in return, by the way.
You've got good descriptive language. Kinda watercolor-y, where you lay out the scene in bright strokes, not focusing too hard on any one thing. In some ways, this makes for very smooth writing. However, it also doesn't have much of a punch to it. It's leading the reader lazily by the hand, not grabbing him by the collar and throwing him at things. Your reader has to want to read more of the story on his own, and that makes for a slow start.
On the plus side, the blurb you've got describing Yellow is very compelling. Sometimes readers won't touch a story because of a boring blurb, in the same way they wouldn't pick up a book with an uninteresting cover.
I'm afraid there isn't much here in the prologue for me to comment on plot-wise, mostly because nothing's happened yet. Muriel and Annie are introduced, but I haven't gotten a good sense of who they are. I'm assuming chapter one will really set things in motion, but-if so-why not start with *that*?
If you're going for a very subtle lead-in, all my critique here is unfounded. However, if the prologue is supposed to be a teaser for the rest of the plot, please give it some more meat. At least throw something at the reader that gets them asking questions. Every solid open to a story comes with a little mystery, something for the reader to chase after.
-SC
All that said, I really do like your writing. If I've said anything here that makes it sound otherwise, please ignore it.
82Solemn CoyoteHi. Thank you very much for the review. Two Worlds happened kinda by accident, but the responses I've been getting to it have been great. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Here's my review in return, by the way.
You've got good descriptive language. Kinda watercolor-y, where you lay out the scene in bright strokes, not focusing too hard on any one thing. In some ways, this makes for very smooth writing. However, it also doesn't have much of a punch to it. It's leading the reader lazily by the hand, not grabbing him by the collar and throwing him at things. Your reader has to want to read more of the story on his own, and that makes for a slow start.
On the plus side, the blurb you've got describing Yellow is very compelling. Sometimes readers won't touch a story because of a boring blurb, in the same way they wouldn't pick up a book with an uninteresting cover.
I'm afraid there isn't much here in the prologue for me to comment on plot-wise, mostly because nothing's happened yet. Muriel and Annie are introduced, but I haven't gotten a good sense of who they are. I'm assuming chapter one will really set things in motion, but-if so-why not start with *that*?
If you're going for a very subtle lead-in, all my critique here is unfounded. However, if the prologue is supposed to be a teaser for the rest of the plot, please give it some more meat. At least throw something at the reader that gets them asking questions. Every solid open to a story comes with a little mystery, something for the reader to chase after.
-SC
All that said, I really do like your writing. If I've said anything here that makes it sound otherwise, please ignore it.
5/21/2011 c8 1Lucreace
I'm really intreged to know what the relation of the report at the start of the chapter has to do with the two children at the end.
I enjoyed the way they interracted together but would like to have seen a bit more speech passed between them to show they are children rather than being told so in one of the paragraphs.
The mystery has me hooked and I'm looking forward to reading the rest.
Thanks
1LucreaceI'm really intreged to know what the relation of the report at the start of the chapter has to do with the two children at the end.
I enjoyed the way they interracted together but would like to have seen a bit more speech passed between them to show they are children rather than being told so in one of the paragraphs.
The mystery has me hooked and I'm looking forward to reading the rest.
Thanks
5/19/2011 c2 7LiberryBooked
I'm finding that this second chapter is even mere intriguing to me because I'm trying to figure out how this relates to the prologue. So you did a good job there.
I liked how you showed Maryanne's personality while at the same time giving us a good visual picture of her.
Overall I thought this was an enjoyable chapter and I look forward to reading more and solving the mystery
7LiberryBookedI'm finding that this second chapter is even mere intriguing to me because I'm trying to figure out how this relates to the prologue. So you did a good job there.
I liked how you showed Maryanne's personality while at the same time giving us a good visual picture of her.
Overall I thought this was an enjoyable chapter and I look forward to reading more and solving the mystery
5/16/2011 c8 S. Alvette
Uh-oh, I think Maryanne is going to get sent to her room...or something like that...
Still good, nothing constructive to say at the moment.
Uh-oh, I think Maryanne is going to get sent to her room...or something like that...
Still good, nothing constructive to say at the moment.
5/4/2011 c6 S. Alvette
Now I'm confused, but in a good way. Which world wasn't real? Eep, I need to know...:)
Now I'm confused, but in a good way. Which world wasn't real? Eep, I need to know...:)
5/3/2011 c6 Lycoris-47
I like it, I wonder why she couldn't see yellow and green... Oh, so she has blond hair then, and probably blue eyed as well. Silus has lighter eyes as well. What makes them so special? Heh, I'm sure I'll find out eventually. Oh, how long are you intending this to be?
I like it, I wonder why she couldn't see yellow and green... Oh, so she has blond hair then, and probably blue eyed as well. Silus has lighter eyes as well. What makes them so special? Heh, I'm sure I'll find out eventually. Oh, how long are you intending this to be?
5/3/2011 c5 Lycoris-47
I have this crazy image in my head about what these two look like, hehe. Also, also, the title has me very interested, and the writing style is great, of course. I'd expect no less from you. So far, I'm guessing that the prologue was where she originally came from, and that was her mother. The familiarity between the two is obvious.
One thing I'd like to note upon is the idea that in certain areas the amount of description detracts from the flow of the story. Overall though, I like it. The people seem quite real, as if modelled after people that I know. ;)
More!
I have this crazy image in my head about what these two look like, hehe. Also, also, the title has me very interested, and the writing style is great, of course. I'd expect no less from you. So far, I'm guessing that the prologue was where she originally came from, and that was her mother. The familiarity between the two is obvious.
One thing I'd like to note upon is the idea that in certain areas the amount of description detracts from the flow of the story. Overall though, I like it. The people seem quite real, as if modelled after people that I know. ;)
More!
4/30/2011 c5 S. Alvette
Ooh, I can definitely start to feel it pick up. The tension-building is great; not too overwhelming but enough to keep me hooked. The story has almost a story-teller quality to it; as if it was being told by an old man to a village. Which is a quality I very much happen to like.
Ooh, I can definitely start to feel it pick up. The tension-building is great; not too overwhelming but enough to keep me hooked. The story has almost a story-teller quality to it; as if it was being told by an old man to a village. Which is a quality I very much happen to like.
4/28/2011 c4 1quillpen13
I really really liked it! ch. 1 was my fav, i think ch. 2's descriptions are a little too wordy. ch 3 was also very very good.
Overall the flow is excellent. The word choice and descriptions are very original. I would say that the descriptions could be cut back on, they sord of distract from the action.
The beginnings are always good at grabbing attention, and the chapters always end at a reasonable stopping point. DEefinately an important thing to keep up!
p.s thx for reading and reviewing my story! i appreciate your feedback.
1quillpen13I really really liked it! ch. 1 was my fav, i think ch. 2's descriptions are a little too wordy. ch 3 was also very very good.
Overall the flow is excellent. The word choice and descriptions are very original. I would say that the descriptions could be cut back on, they sord of distract from the action.
The beginnings are always good at grabbing attention, and the chapters always end at a reasonable stopping point. DEefinately an important thing to keep up!
p.s thx for reading and reviewing my story! i appreciate your feedback.
4/27/2011 c4 S. Alvette
Haha, thanks. I'll try and keep reviewing whenever I can.
One thng that really stands out for me in this entire story so far is the word choice and usage. It's great, and it really helps the descriptions. Also, the twine web sounds like tons of fun.
Haha, thanks. I'll try and keep reviewing whenever I can.
One thng that really stands out for me in this entire story so far is the word choice and usage. It's great, and it really helps the descriptions. Also, the twine web sounds like tons of fun.