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for The Price of Immortality

11/20/2011 c1 Only an old bard
Deep, deep, deep. Anyone who knows anything knows that immortality is not a blessing, but a curse. Very interesting way of presenting this idea. There are some slight grammar issues with commas, but these could be typos and such. Overall, very well done.
7/20/2011 c1 By the wind
Yo, bro. I's not been here to se u in ages, ai? Dis is my fav of all ur stuf so far. it had style ^^ it was creepy, sumtimes, and cool at others. gd stuffs!

I's should chek ur big story soon, 2.

B seein u. ^^
4/21/2011 c1 3K. T. Scelor
I really loved the whole idea of the story. I thought it was pretty cool, and, let me say, the first part delivered with a "coolness" factor. The second and third parts were very urgent and almost nightmarish. However, I think the second and third sections should be the next chapter so that they don't compete with the feeling of the first section.

I thought the fourth section didn't fit in with the story. Honestly, I don't like when P.O.V. changes within a whole story, let alone a chapter. I think I understand that this fourth part is Michael's new "life." However, I think there can be a better transition into this new perspective, such as reflecting on Michael's past.

For spelling, please don't add extra letters. It does seem professional. Instead, use italics (i.e."darknes" becomes darkness. I also noticed quite a few issues with commas and semicolons (i.e "Night you idiot" becomes Night, you idiot). You also have a lot of run-on sentences that need to be corrected (ex:"He stumbled away, Michael already forgotten" should be: "He stumbled away." Grammar seemed to be the only issue.

I really enjoyed your writing style. I thought the amount of description was just enough, which is the amount of description I love. I easily understood what was occurring, and I thought that you conveyed the feeling of each section very well. I enjoyed this a lot.
4/21/2011 c1 FrankieHaydn
This is great :D. The beginning in particular, is very well written, the fortune teller is really freaky.

The death is done so well! Its so quick, and yet, it doesn't feel rushed, it seems to fit.

Was wondering how he managed to leave the hospital, but that is a really insignificant detail...

The last paragraph is amazing, or even just the last line 'And i laugh.' Its a perfect ending.

Really awesome :)

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