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10/1/2012 c1 the poison apple
So. I am the author of The Blue Devils, in case you didn't make that connection :P
First of all, your summary hooked me. If you just eliminate the part where you said 'I suck at summaries', it's gonna be a gripper :)
Second of all, I like the idea that you have for the story, it's just a little haphazard, all over the place, ya know? If you give it some time to brew, I think you can have something great going here.
Thirdly, you have lots of grammatical mistakes. I would suggest getting a beta reader to help you out.

But keep going, I'd like to keep coming back to see if there's any progress :) Good luck.
4/26/2011 c1 3Silent Winter
Thanks for the review on my story! ^^

Hm, so the other reviews sort of summed up anything about grammar that I had to say. Concerning the story, I am intrigued. I'm wondering where this is headed and why on earth our protagonist wandered into the woods. It's hard to get a conception of the plot though since this is only a prologue. Give us an update soon please! :)
4/26/2011 c1 Dysfunctional Dingo
Firstly, I like the idea of your story.

Secondly, if you just cut the commentary out of the summary, and leave that second sentence, it gets readers interested.

Thirdly, try starting with the enivornment so the reader knows what's happening and gets an image in their mind otherwise they're lost and not connected.

Lastly, I enjoyed what was potential beginning.

If you take any offense, sorry.
4/26/2011 c1 1Lady Anteater
Hello! I'd like to tell you a few things to help you out... First of all, you should remember that, if you're ending a quoted sentence with a period and following up with something like "...she said" or "...I thought," then the final period in the quotation marks should be turned into a comma.

"Resently" should be "recently," "crys" should be spelled "cries," and "fatefull" should be spelled "fateful." Perhaps you should run a spell check before posting?

Instead of "Once and a while," the expression is "once in a while."

Concerning the content of the story, I have to say that it could be better... you tried to squeeze way too much fact into this short space without paying attention to detail, and the character you've created is one that we've all seen before: the teenage girl that feels nobody except her best friend likes her, and that has no family. Other than those details and her name, there's nothing at all about the character; she doesn't feel like a sentient being that the reader can personally relate to. She's lost in the woods; why don't you expand on how she's feeling? Instead of just stating that she's wandering around in a forest and saying that nobody would care if she died anyways, you could find some way to tie the two and her feelings about the situation. For example, this is how I would handle a scene like you're trying to create:

"I wandered around the forest trying to find some sign indicating the right way out, but try as I might, I could find none. Tangled roots grabbed at my legs, and my heart raced as the terrible realization that I was alone sank in. While loneliness and I were by no means strangers, the loneliness I experienced that day was of a different, more profound variety. There was so bedroom window from which I could watch people passing by, no television to create comforting white noise, no internet with which to distract myself. Out in the forest, there was nothing but hundreds trees with branches like bony, menacing hands; birds that shrieked to each other from places I couldn't see; and my own thoughts, which were increasingly filled with panic as the minutes crept by."

If you did something like the above, you're establishing her situation and tying together her fear her and her lonely home life through your descriptive word choice. Yes, the facts aren't as specific as the ones you originally used, but the emotional impact is far greater.

Also, the like "...I shall stop now and tell you what had happened..." is really unnecessary because, this being a story starting with her stumbling around a forest, the reader naturally expects that the narrator will tell them what happened. Finding a smoother transition into her account would be a bit better.

I hope that didn't sound too harsh, and I hope you find my input helpful!

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