2/22/2017 c27 Reaper 4-4
Come on I've waited over a year just still no updates. When are we going to find out more this is been so interesting it's one of the few fictionpress stories that I like to read heck I might even say only.

11/3/2015 c30 22Brendan Rizzo
Well, I just read your entire story up to this point, and, though I liked it, and the writing engaged my interest throughout, I noticed some things that are either confusing, or could use improvement, so I'll tell you both what I liked about the story, and give some constructive criticism of the story.

To start, I personally think that the first half (before the other Ashens appeared) is better than what comes afterward. The characters are consistent: Ryo is your typical Everyman protagonist, Luna is, of course, a yandere and the villain of the story, and everyone else are innocent bystanders who unknowingly, through their interactions with Ryo, wind up as Luna's victims. Ryo being the apparent worst in his class and having few friends is actually a nice contrast to Luna, who is top of the class, has lots of (seeming) friends, and basically demonstrates how unsettling a Mary Sue would be in a realistic story. When Luna first starts killing people, Ryo has a perfectly normal reaction, and the only thing preventing him from calling the cops immediately is the fact that the thugs were Asshole Victims and fear that he would get in trouble too. He also tries to get out of the relationship repeatedly, which is the only sane course of action. Luna, on the other hand, is completely terrifying. Not only does she kill at the drop of a hat, and seems to be able to teleport to anywhere so that her victims don't have a chance, but I honestly think that she is scarier at this point, when the readers don't know what exactly she is. Even creepier is how she feigns apology and remorse when Ryo understandably freaks out.

Now, once she kidnaps Yumi and Ryo resolves to end it for good is, I think, where the story's flaws set in. That Ryo can't seem to find her reads as just a way for him to meet Ichiro. And here, things go off the rails. Before, it was only implied that Luna is not human, but now genuine superpowers are introduced, which is a little jarring. Then the story gets confusing once Mayu appears. Her Heel-Face Turn (more accurately, her Hazy-Feel Turn) seems to come out of nowhere, aside from a vague "Ryo saved her" rationalization. But after that point, the tone of the story seems to shift away from horror. What's worse is that the characters seem to be inconsistent here. Before, Luna was terrifying because of her monomania, but now, she actually interacts with others. Furthermore, despite it being established that she cares nothing for Akane and treats her horribly, when we see Akane again, it's as if that didn't happen. But more frustrating is Ryo's development. Sure, he gets positive character development from Pinball Protagonist to The Kid With The Leash, but also negative character development in that he doesn't seem to mind Luna's and Mayu's psychopathy much anymore. He is beginning to think that this is normal.

As for the existence of the Ashens, that too is confusing. I can understand a secret government remnant wanting to create Super Soldiers, long after they've lost their purpose, but "synthesis" doesn't logically have anything to do with lack of emotions. And unless someone is lying, then Luna having emotions despite being the strongest Ashen is impossible. The only way that makes sense is if she's faking it the whole time. If it really is Luna in the first chapter, then how did she go from "Misanthrope Supreme" to "must do everything for Ryo at all costs"?

Despite these flaws though, this is still a good read, and more engaging than your other versions of the story. I still want to read how this ends. Who knows, maybe the inconsistencies I mentioned will be explained later. Good luck with this.

11/2/2015 c8 Bubblegumgirl2
LESBAIN?!
I didn't see that coming XD

9/26/2015 c29 thatpsychopathicguydowntheroad
cool story

11/8/2013 c29 3FakeFiction
It's a-me again. Sorry about not coming back for awhile, I switched my main email account and as a result, have completely forgotten about this forlorn place. Switched my email log, though. That said, I'm still waiting on this story, mostly because of the yandere/harem slant to it and the potential it has to be more hilarious. Read the entire story again in one go, revised some thoughts of mine.

I know that many manga genres have a setup similar to your story, with the girls, baffled guy and a bunch of circumstantial supernatural subtext to go with it. I enjoy it here and appreciate the pacing you give between former rivals Luna and Mayu finally allying.

I'm not cool with this dense kid named Ryo. It's just the trope everyone perpetuates, the one thing that keeps him from ambition, from knowing more of the truth, a convenient plot pacer. What'd be cooler and a lateral move would be to have him stay questioning more things with the other characters becoming more and more obstructionist throughout.

We predicate on weak male leads, but at least give him some dignity!

Here's a toughie: combat writing. A must. A drain. Hard to write without using the same words over and over again in great detail. But I like that you at least give a great go at it. Gives continuity. Hopefully you can snap it up by, and I'm relating this to the above, having Ryo trying to distract the battle in some way. It doesn't have to be blatant, but it can ease out long blocks of ducking, clanging and stabbing.

Don't be afraid to extrapolate conflicts and characters' personalities. If you feel like you need a spike in the action, it's your story. Make it enjoyable to write. Laugh at it.

Finally, a toast to the next chapter being written soon. And yes, alerts will come to my inbox.

6/21/2013 c1 3Kaliskia
Sweet!

2/23/2013 c28 2Chiisutofupuru
Every time I see this story pop up to the top of the 'following' list I smile and click on it.

Poor Luna, still in a terrible state.