for Twelve Days6/14/2011 c3 
99Dreamers-Requiem
I like the twist on the French Hens, very creative. However, I feel that the short length of the paragraphs makes it feel a bit choopy; try varying the length a bit, make a few paragraphs longer, mixed in with the shorter ones. [70%] should be written out as 'seventy percent'. [to make sense to me, boy was I wrong. I'm confused as hell!] could change to "...to make sense to me. Boy, was I wrong. I was confused as hell." [Maybe she is insane.] with the bolded 'she', I feel like the emphasis is in the wrong place; maybe the 'is', instead? I like the reasoning behind the names; it's cute, as is Lucy, although I feel like she says a lot for a two year old. She seems to have a big vocab for someone of that age...maybe make her slightly older? Anyway, as always they're just suggestions. Keep it up.
99Dreamers-RequiemI like the twist on the French Hens, very creative. However, I feel that the short length of the paragraphs makes it feel a bit choopy; try varying the length a bit, make a few paragraphs longer, mixed in with the shorter ones. [70%] should be written out as 'seventy percent'. [to make sense to me, boy was I wrong. I'm confused as hell!] could change to "...to make sense to me. Boy, was I wrong. I was confused as hell." [Maybe she is insane.] with the bolded 'she', I feel like the emphasis is in the wrong place; maybe the 'is', instead? I like the reasoning behind the names; it's cute, as is Lucy, although I feel like she says a lot for a two year old. She seems to have a big vocab for someone of that age...maybe make her slightly older? Anyway, as always they're just suggestions. Keep it up.
5/30/2011 c2 Dreamers-Requiem
Aww, cute. I liked the use of turtle dove as a nickname. Some of the sentences sounded quite awkward - [I should be at the music store now.] you could change to "I should have been at the music store by now", and with [Which is why, I have the next twelve, eleven now,], it might flow better without the comma after why. [Ah, sorry?" I try to apologize, only it coming out as more of a question.] 'it comes' or 'it came' might sound better here. Anyway, like I said it was quite cute and I'm starting to like the characters - especially as Casey starts to let down her guard, so to speak.
Aww, cute. I liked the use of turtle dove as a nickname. Some of the sentences sounded quite awkward - [I should be at the music store now.] you could change to "I should have been at the music store by now", and with [Which is why, I have the next twelve, eleven now,], it might flow better without the comma after why. [Ah, sorry?" I try to apologize, only it coming out as more of a question.] 'it comes' or 'it came' might sound better here. Anyway, like I said it was quite cute and I'm starting to like the characters - especially as Casey starts to let down her guard, so to speak.
5/20/2011 c1 Dreamers-Requiem
Can I suggest that if you're unsure of any of the presents in Twelve Days, you look it up online? Just a suggestion. Anyway, the first chapter is cute, but I really don't think Casey's POV is needed at the start. It doesn't add anything, and it's a bit short. Also, it's a bit cliche to have a guy, who can get any girl he wants, go after an unassuming girl who keeps turning him down. You could change that, just a bit, to make it a little more orginal? As always, just a suggestion. Anyway, other than that I thought it was interesting - and cute, of course. I'll try to read the next chapter soon.
Can I suggest that if you're unsure of any of the presents in Twelve Days, you look it up online? Just a suggestion. Anyway, the first chapter is cute, but I really don't think Casey's POV is needed at the start. It doesn't add anything, and it's a bit short. Also, it's a bit cliche to have a guy, who can get any girl he wants, go after an unassuming girl who keeps turning him down. You could change that, just a bit, to make it a little more orginal? As always, just a suggestion. Anyway, other than that I thought it was interesting - and cute, of course. I'll try to read the next chapter soon.