for Running Up That Hill12/7/2013 c2 
4writer 145
The staring scene was delightfully creepy. It really rips you out of the normality of the situation and firmly into the supernatural element. It reminded me of Anthony Horowitz a little.
I don't think I really have any complaints about this chapter. The dynamic between the three people are rather good. They have a nice flow to their interaction. Kyle may be a tad unrealistic, but it is plausible. Also, the running joke of the cat is preety cool.
Roadhouse :)
4writer 145The staring scene was delightfully creepy. It really rips you out of the normality of the situation and firmly into the supernatural element. It reminded me of Anthony Horowitz a little.
I don't think I really have any complaints about this chapter. The dynamic between the three people are rather good. They have a nice flow to their interaction. Kyle may be a tad unrealistic, but it is plausible. Also, the running joke of the cat is preety cool.
Roadhouse :)
12/7/2013 c1 writer 145
Yeah, the ramen is realistic. Plenty of college students I know seem to live off it.
Oh, I love a bit of awkward humour. The more real life and awkward the better. Although, I wonder might it not be better if you mention how close he is (their shoulers touching and breath mixing) rather than say it's akward?
The 'why is there a cat here' part is brilliant. The pacing of it after the odd moment, and the walking home in the dark, creates a lot of humour. Also, the slightly disturbed part is very, very realistic. I wonder does the slightly ruin the joke a little though?
It may have a better pace if you use less 'saids' and 'caved in'. At most, you only really need 1 per line. Also, I think an author said they can signify pauses in speech.
The rotting food part was a nice little reminder of the creepy situation.
Yeah, the ramen is realistic. Plenty of college students I know seem to live off it.
Oh, I love a bit of awkward humour. The more real life and awkward the better. Although, I wonder might it not be better if you mention how close he is (their shoulers touching and breath mixing) rather than say it's akward?
The 'why is there a cat here' part is brilliant. The pacing of it after the odd moment, and the walking home in the dark, creates a lot of humour. Also, the slightly disturbed part is very, very realistic. I wonder does the slightly ruin the joke a little though?
It may have a better pace if you use less 'saids' and 'caved in'. At most, you only really need 1 per line. Also, I think an author said they can signify pauses in speech.
The rotting food part was a nice little reminder of the creepy situation.
8/4/2013 c2 39Dahlia Wolffe
I'm leery of the cat's name being "Camael". I'm too big a fan of supernatural stories to not notice that is either a demon name or an angel name, and considering weird things are happening- LOL. Sort of off track here but I noticed you said this story was "discontinued" and it makes me kind of sad because just from that first chapter I can tell this story has monster loads of potential. I know how it feels to get tired of trying to edit something to perfection and wanting to give up, but I don't think you should. :)
Aha! I am jinxed. LOL
I"m really more interested now to find out if Luke is tripping out or if he's seeing between a rift of some sort? That seems to be the way it's going and the way you wrote it, with action itself being the allusion, is really good. No notes on this chapter either, except I did find it a bit strange that Kyle would leave Luke with Callie if he didn't trust him. Other than that, onwards and upwards.
From We Return Reviews
39Dahlia WolffeI'm leery of the cat's name being "Camael". I'm too big a fan of supernatural stories to not notice that is either a demon name or an angel name, and considering weird things are happening- LOL. Sort of off track here but I noticed you said this story was "discontinued" and it makes me kind of sad because just from that first chapter I can tell this story has monster loads of potential. I know how it feels to get tired of trying to edit something to perfection and wanting to give up, but I don't think you should. :)
Aha! I am jinxed. LOL
I"m really more interested now to find out if Luke is tripping out or if he's seeing between a rift of some sort? That seems to be the way it's going and the way you wrote it, with action itself being the allusion, is really good. No notes on this chapter either, except I did find it a bit strange that Kyle would leave Luke with Callie if he didn't trust him. Other than that, onwards and upwards.
From We Return Reviews
8/4/2013 c1 Dahlia Wolffe
Nice introduction scene. I have no notes on grammar or editing really. I like how you managed to flesh out everything in your scene and the voice of your narrator isn't riddled with too much social commentary. It's always the simple things that end up leading to something big, and I get the feeling already that the rotten produce is just one of many omens for what you have in store. Your dialogue was really good too, and I laughed when he asked "When did you become a pregnant woman" about Kyle craving Vitamin Water. I can't wait to see where this leads, so on to the next chapter. :)
From We Return Reviews
Nice introduction scene. I have no notes on grammar or editing really. I like how you managed to flesh out everything in your scene and the voice of your narrator isn't riddled with too much social commentary. It's always the simple things that end up leading to something big, and I get the feeling already that the rotten produce is just one of many omens for what you have in store. Your dialogue was really good too, and I laughed when he asked "When did you become a pregnant woman" about Kyle craving Vitamin Water. I can't wait to see where this leads, so on to the next chapter. :)
From We Return Reviews
4/5/2013 c1 1ScribbleMonkey
From Roadhouse!
"When did you become a pregnant woman?"
Great humour, this was the best line.
"The last thing I wanted to end up looking like some surfer dude."
Maybe 'was some surfer dude' or 'want to end up looking like is some surfer dude'.
You have done well establishing your character voices and the pacing is also great. While ending on a more sedated note there are many mysteries already which are pressing my nerves. Like why the food is rotten or who Duncan is (or the weird stoner kid for that matter, haha). And what is the relation of all of this to the 'Sandman' if any? Hmmm.
Maybe there could be a bit more description of the surroundings to pull us in more, but otherwise it isn't entirely necessary. When I think of a cat in a dorm, all I can think is 'allergies!' That could be dangerous, but if it were only in their room it probably wouldn't be that bad. The first paragraph seemed very choppy and I'm not sure if that was intentional.
Anyway, looking interesting!
1ScribbleMonkeyFrom Roadhouse!
"When did you become a pregnant woman?"
Great humour, this was the best line.
"The last thing I wanted to end up looking like some surfer dude."
Maybe 'was some surfer dude' or 'want to end up looking like is some surfer dude'.
You have done well establishing your character voices and the pacing is also great. While ending on a more sedated note there are many mysteries already which are pressing my nerves. Like why the food is rotten or who Duncan is (or the weird stoner kid for that matter, haha). And what is the relation of all of this to the 'Sandman' if any? Hmmm.
Maybe there could be a bit more description of the surroundings to pull us in more, but otherwise it isn't entirely necessary. When I think of a cat in a dorm, all I can think is 'allergies!' That could be dangerous, but if it were only in their room it probably wouldn't be that bad. The first paragraph seemed very choppy and I'm not sure if that was intentional.
Anyway, looking interesting!
8/1/2011 c1 5Luridpretty
This is a very interesting introduction to the story, it really made me curious for what happens next. The title leaves me curious, too; I'm wondering who this "Sandman" is! I find your writing to be quite humorous, like the "of course when I went for groceries I would be accosted by a crazy pothead", that made me laugh. Both Luke and Kyle are very amusing characters, particularly Kyle. I also love the name "Camel" for a cat, haha.
5LuridprettyThis is a very interesting introduction to the story, it really made me curious for what happens next. The title leaves me curious, too; I'm wondering who this "Sandman" is! I find your writing to be quite humorous, like the "of course when I went for groceries I would be accosted by a crazy pothead", that made me laugh. Both Luke and Kyle are very amusing characters, particularly Kyle. I also love the name "Camel" for a cat, haha.
7/6/2011 c4 7rgarner31
- i feel like the opening could have been stronger, maybe start with the dialogue you have right after the paragraph, then go back to it and say that then. I feel like it would strengthen the opening a good deal.
- the ending was similarly dissapointing. i like the idea, but when you tried to decsribe the crash it came out bland and plain and dull. Add more depth to the crash, and though i will continue reading because of the idea of a crash, and im interested, i wont lie and tell you the ending was the strongest it could be.
- I like the scene where he confronts the lady in the house. Its very mysterious, and it continues to leave your reader hungry for answers. one thing about it i think you could change is again, add some character to luke. i dont feel like i know him, at all, and its serving to alienate the reader from your protagonist which is never good. maybe add a comment about how he remembered riding his batman bike up and down the street, having parties at his parents home when they were away, getting high in the backyard when they werent paying attention, something to give us a better look into his life and show us who he is, rather than telling us that he knew every nook and cranny.
- I think the dialogue is very strong in this chapter. Its easy to understand kyles initial reaction to driving to seattle and his new one when luke says it involves his mother. i thought the dialogue between luke and the lady at the house was pretty understandable as well. It makes sense, and it flows well.
- i feel sympathetic to the lady, pregnant and with other children and freaked out by this strange person who likely frightens her, i dont blame her for closing the door. i also understand luke's frustration and confusion, and kyle's confrontation.
-im not quite sure if the way luke is about to just spill the beans to kyle is accurate. he should have sort of mental thoughts about it, present arguments in his head, and then decide what to do about it.
- ide say the writing here has some minor issues, with the fact that the reader doesnt know any of the characters. im lost in a sea of names and dialogue but have no real grasp on who they are or what theyre like.
- in the first sentence, take out restlessly, its too much and the sentence is more powerful without it. also when kyle says, "im laden with..." i think you should change it to something less...intelligent, because i get the vibe that hes a screw school kinda guy, or at least kinda lazy. maybe replace laden, with a simple carrying, also dont forget your punctuation and change all "I am"s to "I'm"s
- i do like the idea you have for the scene at the house, you just really need to expand on it. maybe do some processing of the scene, character development, and description.
- the plot is good as of this far, but we dont know anything about it yet, or whats going on, and i feel like we should have answered one question by now and already opened up a new one.
- again, your going too fast. i say this only to help you, but youre not taking any time to describe or let us feel like were there with luke wherever he goes. and because of it, im alienated from him and cant feel much empathy or sympathy for him.
- Techniques (how well you feel the techniques were used to convey the ideas in the story? How they were used an what effect it gave to that part of the story?)
7rgarner31- i feel like the opening could have been stronger, maybe start with the dialogue you have right after the paragraph, then go back to it and say that then. I feel like it would strengthen the opening a good deal.
- the ending was similarly dissapointing. i like the idea, but when you tried to decsribe the crash it came out bland and plain and dull. Add more depth to the crash, and though i will continue reading because of the idea of a crash, and im interested, i wont lie and tell you the ending was the strongest it could be.
- I like the scene where he confronts the lady in the house. Its very mysterious, and it continues to leave your reader hungry for answers. one thing about it i think you could change is again, add some character to luke. i dont feel like i know him, at all, and its serving to alienate the reader from your protagonist which is never good. maybe add a comment about how he remembered riding his batman bike up and down the street, having parties at his parents home when they were away, getting high in the backyard when they werent paying attention, something to give us a better look into his life and show us who he is, rather than telling us that he knew every nook and cranny.
- I think the dialogue is very strong in this chapter. Its easy to understand kyles initial reaction to driving to seattle and his new one when luke says it involves his mother. i thought the dialogue between luke and the lady at the house was pretty understandable as well. It makes sense, and it flows well.
- i feel sympathetic to the lady, pregnant and with other children and freaked out by this strange person who likely frightens her, i dont blame her for closing the door. i also understand luke's frustration and confusion, and kyle's confrontation.
-im not quite sure if the way luke is about to just spill the beans to kyle is accurate. he should have sort of mental thoughts about it, present arguments in his head, and then decide what to do about it.
- ide say the writing here has some minor issues, with the fact that the reader doesnt know any of the characters. im lost in a sea of names and dialogue but have no real grasp on who they are or what theyre like.
- in the first sentence, take out restlessly, its too much and the sentence is more powerful without it. also when kyle says, "im laden with..." i think you should change it to something less...intelligent, because i get the vibe that hes a screw school kinda guy, or at least kinda lazy. maybe replace laden, with a simple carrying, also dont forget your punctuation and change all "I am"s to "I'm"s
- i do like the idea you have for the scene at the house, you just really need to expand on it. maybe do some processing of the scene, character development, and description.
- the plot is good as of this far, but we dont know anything about it yet, or whats going on, and i feel like we should have answered one question by now and already opened up a new one.
- again, your going too fast. i say this only to help you, but youre not taking any time to describe or let us feel like were there with luke wherever he goes. and because of it, im alienated from him and cant feel much empathy or sympathy for him.
- Techniques (how well you feel the techniques were used to convey the ideas in the story? How they were used an what effect it gave to that part of the story?)
7/5/2011 c3 rgarner31
the chapters are getting better and better as suspense builds!
- i like that you just jump right back into where you left off, some people do the thing where they start ten minutes to like five years later then recap what happened between, which has its own purposes, But i like that you chose to stay inside this scene.
- wonderful ending, it made me want to continue reading to seriously find out whats happened to this poor guy, who the man is whose bugging him and who the guy is he keeps talking about. And not to forget the info about the phone numbers, it did seem a tiny bit out of place and detached from the rest of it but it wasnt a major issue.
- there wasnt really one part that really slapped me across the face with its brilliance, but then i rarely feel that way about a FP story. but i do like pretty much everything about both the dorm and market scene: i love the dorm scene when the hobo comes and talks to him and hes just trying to tell him there was a mistake or something.
- once again, great dialogue. it fits with the characters personalities, i mean im guessing its a little early to get them completely
- i would like to see more words spent showing us the character's inner landscape (their monologues, deep thoughts and emotions, fears, likes, dislikes, etc.) because it would really bring them alive more.
- i definitely agree with the way Luke reacted to the strange man in his dorm. its a very plausible and understandable reaction to such an intrustion, i also liked how luke tried to think about what to tell callie at the beginning of the chapter.
- I noticed that your chapters are continuously short and feel more like a scene in a chapter than a full out chapter. For my stories, i try for around 4 scenes a chapter and 35 hundred words a chapter, give or take depending on the need. This is quite a bit of writing, but it works right because i break it up into scenes so that the reader can digest it easily and stop at the break in scenes so they can go to bed, or start dinner, or do whatever it is they have to without feeling obligated to finish the whole chapter. this is just a tip for you, if you feel the short chapters work for you than by all means continue :)
- Spelling/Grammar (anything that stuck out and needed to be corrected?) Note: Pointing out an absence of flaws does not count.
- I enjoyed this chapter, mostly in the last scene but it was very simple, and now that i think on it it may be a bit too fast paced.
- So far youve managed to keep my interested in what happens to luke with this strange man, without giving too much information about it away which is a useful skill. The plot work is well laid out in this chapter.
- I realized that the pace is going just a little too fast for my liking. Try slowing down, detail the characters better with their outer landscapes (the kind of clothes they wear, a favorite hat, a baseball from the first game he went to as a kid with his old man,etc.) so that the reader can look at them and believe that they're real. So far, the only way you've done this even remotely is through Kyle's dialogue and Callie's love for her cat. (i forgot to mention in last review, but good use of show dont tell was how you said something about pitying her future boyfriends cuz theyd be in competition with camael)
- I feel like you may have been using some forshadowing in the farmers market when he heard the lady talk about the bad produce, and i hope you expand on that later. you ended with a bit of a cliff hanger, which is always a good technique as well. i think you should read some quick articles on show dont tell and fill out some character sheets so we reallyyyy get to know the characters. So far im not really connected to anyone emotionally but callie, becuase i love my cat as she does. its a rare time though when youre reader is a cat not a dog person though so i wouldt rely on something like that.
- i feel like you should add a starting incident, or modify whatever the one you have is (i assume its the confrontation by the safeway) but it needs to be better described, a full fleshed idea that would start the plot because as of right now, there is no real conflict accept for a hobo in a dorm room.
the chapters are getting better and better as suspense builds!
- i like that you just jump right back into where you left off, some people do the thing where they start ten minutes to like five years later then recap what happened between, which has its own purposes, But i like that you chose to stay inside this scene.
- wonderful ending, it made me want to continue reading to seriously find out whats happened to this poor guy, who the man is whose bugging him and who the guy is he keeps talking about. And not to forget the info about the phone numbers, it did seem a tiny bit out of place and detached from the rest of it but it wasnt a major issue.
- there wasnt really one part that really slapped me across the face with its brilliance, but then i rarely feel that way about a FP story. but i do like pretty much everything about both the dorm and market scene: i love the dorm scene when the hobo comes and talks to him and hes just trying to tell him there was a mistake or something.
- once again, great dialogue. it fits with the characters personalities, i mean im guessing its a little early to get them completely
- i would like to see more words spent showing us the character's inner landscape (their monologues, deep thoughts and emotions, fears, likes, dislikes, etc.) because it would really bring them alive more.
- i definitely agree with the way Luke reacted to the strange man in his dorm. its a very plausible and understandable reaction to such an intrustion, i also liked how luke tried to think about what to tell callie at the beginning of the chapter.
- I noticed that your chapters are continuously short and feel more like a scene in a chapter than a full out chapter. For my stories, i try for around 4 scenes a chapter and 35 hundred words a chapter, give or take depending on the need. This is quite a bit of writing, but it works right because i break it up into scenes so that the reader can digest it easily and stop at the break in scenes so they can go to bed, or start dinner, or do whatever it is they have to without feeling obligated to finish the whole chapter. this is just a tip for you, if you feel the short chapters work for you than by all means continue :)
- Spelling/Grammar (anything that stuck out and needed to be corrected?) Note: Pointing out an absence of flaws does not count.
- I enjoyed this chapter, mostly in the last scene but it was very simple, and now that i think on it it may be a bit too fast paced.
- So far youve managed to keep my interested in what happens to luke with this strange man, without giving too much information about it away which is a useful skill. The plot work is well laid out in this chapter.
- I realized that the pace is going just a little too fast for my liking. Try slowing down, detail the characters better with their outer landscapes (the kind of clothes they wear, a favorite hat, a baseball from the first game he went to as a kid with his old man,etc.) so that the reader can look at them and believe that they're real. So far, the only way you've done this even remotely is through Kyle's dialogue and Callie's love for her cat. (i forgot to mention in last review, but good use of show dont tell was how you said something about pitying her future boyfriends cuz theyd be in competition with camael)
- I feel like you may have been using some forshadowing in the farmers market when he heard the lady talk about the bad produce, and i hope you expand on that later. you ended with a bit of a cliff hanger, which is always a good technique as well. i think you should read some quick articles on show dont tell and fill out some character sheets so we reallyyyy get to know the characters. So far im not really connected to anyone emotionally but callie, becuase i love my cat as she does. its a rare time though when youre reader is a cat not a dog person though so i wouldt rely on something like that.
- i feel like you should add a starting incident, or modify whatever the one you have is (i assume its the confrontation by the safeway) but it needs to be better described, a full fleshed idea that would start the plot because as of right now, there is no real conflict accept for a hobo in a dorm room.
7/5/2011 c2 rgarner31
alright i definately like this chapter much more than the first, much better i applaud you :)
- the opening was normal- not great, not terrible, just normal. I liked how you brought the cat back into play there and how you showed the attachment between Callie and the kitty.
- the ending was great, kind of an emotional hook to reel you into the next chapter, and i enjoyed being reeled in so i could read more of this :)
- I like how you mentioned that he loved strawberrys, and just the whole scene around the farmers market was great. ide like to see more use of the five senses though, seeing as your characters are in the absolute perfect place to slip in a note about the sweetness of a strawberry was combined with the nuisance of your teeth biting into something so cold (thats what happens for me at least with cold strawberries), or something like that, you could also use the smell of the surroundings or flowers or something to further progress the feeling of the scene
- the dialogue flowed easily, well, and was quite good. I love the way i can just see him sitting there chewing a strawberry and stopping mid chew to ask, "callieeee?". and the way she talks about and to her cat, camael, demonstrates how much she loves him
- im a tad lost in the characters now though. where does Callie fit in with guys, is she girlfriend or just friend? im curious to see how she relates to them.
- luke and callie seem to be tight since they just got up and go for food, and she teases him about the food thing yet i believe it hinted that luke didnt know much about her background yet.
- again, your writing style does not raise any red flags for me. in fact i like it a good deal more this chapter than the first because that breathes some lightheartedness into it while still managing some plot that seems to be of a serious nature
- when you say, "i smiled ruefully at her," im not sure this is the right word...maybe playfully? and then you say, "yeah, hes a hilarious guy," hilarious just doesnt seem to fit right in this context, too... too much as it implied more than funny, its like not lol, its rotflol, or roflecopter as i like say (yeah yeah teenage girl, deal with it :)). so ide say change it to something more mild, like, "yeah, hes got a few good laughs in store for us, i just dont think he knows that it will be *at* him." idk, something that isnt so overdoing it.
- i definately enjoyed this because it had lightheartedness to it, plot, character development a little, and come comedy mixed in there. a good mix i must say!
- i have no clue where the plots heading at this point, but in essence i think it works for that here. it forces me to wonder, which of course ide rather just turn the page to find out, and there you go, you got yourself a page-turner, yay!
- once again you have a good pace that flows naturely. Its not too fast to confuse me with things but its not boringly slow either.
- ide say use your five senses other than sight more, and try to work on your, showing not telling. it would impact your work so much you wouldnt believeeeeee!
- overall, great improvement over last chapter. idk why something about that last one irked me, but i guess im just weird like that :)
alright i definately like this chapter much more than the first, much better i applaud you :)
- the opening was normal- not great, not terrible, just normal. I liked how you brought the cat back into play there and how you showed the attachment between Callie and the kitty.
- the ending was great, kind of an emotional hook to reel you into the next chapter, and i enjoyed being reeled in so i could read more of this :)
- I like how you mentioned that he loved strawberrys, and just the whole scene around the farmers market was great. ide like to see more use of the five senses though, seeing as your characters are in the absolute perfect place to slip in a note about the sweetness of a strawberry was combined with the nuisance of your teeth biting into something so cold (thats what happens for me at least with cold strawberries), or something like that, you could also use the smell of the surroundings or flowers or something to further progress the feeling of the scene
- the dialogue flowed easily, well, and was quite good. I love the way i can just see him sitting there chewing a strawberry and stopping mid chew to ask, "callieeee?". and the way she talks about and to her cat, camael, demonstrates how much she loves him
- im a tad lost in the characters now though. where does Callie fit in with guys, is she girlfriend or just friend? im curious to see how she relates to them.
- luke and callie seem to be tight since they just got up and go for food, and she teases him about the food thing yet i believe it hinted that luke didnt know much about her background yet.
- again, your writing style does not raise any red flags for me. in fact i like it a good deal more this chapter than the first because that breathes some lightheartedness into it while still managing some plot that seems to be of a serious nature
- when you say, "i smiled ruefully at her," im not sure this is the right word...maybe playfully? and then you say, "yeah, hes a hilarious guy," hilarious just doesnt seem to fit right in this context, too... too much as it implied more than funny, its like not lol, its rotflol, or roflecopter as i like say (yeah yeah teenage girl, deal with it :)). so ide say change it to something more mild, like, "yeah, hes got a few good laughs in store for us, i just dont think he knows that it will be *at* him." idk, something that isnt so overdoing it.
- i definately enjoyed this because it had lightheartedness to it, plot, character development a little, and come comedy mixed in there. a good mix i must say!
- i have no clue where the plots heading at this point, but in essence i think it works for that here. it forces me to wonder, which of course ide rather just turn the page to find out, and there you go, you got yourself a page-turner, yay!
- once again you have a good pace that flows naturely. Its not too fast to confuse me with things but its not boringly slow either.
- ide say use your five senses other than sight more, and try to work on your, showing not telling. it would impact your work so much you wouldnt believeeeeee!
- overall, great improvement over last chapter. idk why something about that last one irked me, but i guess im just weird like that :)
7/5/2011 c1 rgarner31
so i think youve done a good job here:first of all for the opening, i think it was great the way you said, "i first noticed something weird was happening," because it foretells, well obviously, the weirdness to come with the groceries. It also leads me into the desire to read more about this said weirdness, to see what else is weird and what the cause for this weirdness it.
- I definately wanted to read more when i got to your ending. Its such a strange thought, the vegetables and fruit and everything having gone bad within minutes, or him somehow missing it. I believe you said, "i attributed it to just being..." or something of the sort, and that makes me think automatically that it really isnt from the midterm stress and what have you and is truly just something bizzare. It hooked me into reading more!
- I think that, so far at least, the thing with the cat in the scene seems unnecessary. You spend some time on talking about it, and it doesnt really seem important yet. But ill have to check further chapters to be sure. Also your starting scene, about the weird guy approaching him, is effective in giving you a weird feeling, you know somethings up and going to happen with that.
- I think you should try incorporating some more dialogue into this somehow, because theres so much narrative going on ya know that it almost is overwhelming. But the dialogue you do have is good and effective, clear and concise. Its also believable of college kids.
- I sympathize with the character i suppose in the way that we've all had one of those, "i couldve sworn i did...blabity blah blah", or at least i have and the character has so i get that. I also have four cats so i get how their rubbing your leg kinda melts away your annoyance with them. i have this one extremely annoying and always meowing cat that makes us all wanna just give him to a nice neighbor sometimes but when he does that its all good. cats manipulate us...going off on a tangent ok then!
- the characters reaction to the man outside safeway is obvious and understandable. His behavior around the cat is as well just because, as i said, i get it :), and then the relationship with the roommate is a bit unknown at this point. we know that they "usually get along" which suggests theres occasional tension betwen them which im interested in learning about.
- i thought your writing style was good and flowed easily. i didnt consciously notice any over wordy sentences or bad sentence structure or bad voice for the topic or anything like that, so thats a plus :)
- i think that as far as grammar and spelling your golden, but maybe work a bit on the vocabulary you use, it could really boost your stories potential and effectiveness.
- Enjoyment (how did you feel from reading this and WHY? Were you dozing off? On your seat with suspense? How so?)
- the problem is that...i havent been *overly* drawn into this story by what ive read, and have only a faintest idea about the plot considering its a full chapter and not just preface or prologue, so maybe trying to adjust it or add some things to it to really seriously draw me in because so far i have no idea where this is going, and i think that the first chapter is crucial in doing so.
- a good steady pace, nothing too speedy or too slow that i noticed, though again slow on introducing the plot
- i noted some bits of humor here and there and enjoyed them, you should make them more often. It really lightens the feel of this as it just feels so serious
- honestly, now that im sitting here anaylizing it, it feels a bit dry :/ i think it can be solved with more dialogue, more humor, and more...joy. But then its only the first chapter, what are you gonna do :)
so i think youve done a good job here:first of all for the opening, i think it was great the way you said, "i first noticed something weird was happening," because it foretells, well obviously, the weirdness to come with the groceries. It also leads me into the desire to read more about this said weirdness, to see what else is weird and what the cause for this weirdness it.
- I definately wanted to read more when i got to your ending. Its such a strange thought, the vegetables and fruit and everything having gone bad within minutes, or him somehow missing it. I believe you said, "i attributed it to just being..." or something of the sort, and that makes me think automatically that it really isnt from the midterm stress and what have you and is truly just something bizzare. It hooked me into reading more!
- I think that, so far at least, the thing with the cat in the scene seems unnecessary. You spend some time on talking about it, and it doesnt really seem important yet. But ill have to check further chapters to be sure. Also your starting scene, about the weird guy approaching him, is effective in giving you a weird feeling, you know somethings up and going to happen with that.
- I think you should try incorporating some more dialogue into this somehow, because theres so much narrative going on ya know that it almost is overwhelming. But the dialogue you do have is good and effective, clear and concise. Its also believable of college kids.
- I sympathize with the character i suppose in the way that we've all had one of those, "i couldve sworn i did...blabity blah blah", or at least i have and the character has so i get that. I also have four cats so i get how their rubbing your leg kinda melts away your annoyance with them. i have this one extremely annoying and always meowing cat that makes us all wanna just give him to a nice neighbor sometimes but when he does that its all good. cats manipulate us...going off on a tangent ok then!
- the characters reaction to the man outside safeway is obvious and understandable. His behavior around the cat is as well just because, as i said, i get it :), and then the relationship with the roommate is a bit unknown at this point. we know that they "usually get along" which suggests theres occasional tension betwen them which im interested in learning about.
- i thought your writing style was good and flowed easily. i didnt consciously notice any over wordy sentences or bad sentence structure or bad voice for the topic or anything like that, so thats a plus :)
- i think that as far as grammar and spelling your golden, but maybe work a bit on the vocabulary you use, it could really boost your stories potential and effectiveness.
- Enjoyment (how did you feel from reading this and WHY? Were you dozing off? On your seat with suspense? How so?)
- the problem is that...i havent been *overly* drawn into this story by what ive read, and have only a faintest idea about the plot considering its a full chapter and not just preface or prologue, so maybe trying to adjust it or add some things to it to really seriously draw me in because so far i have no idea where this is going, and i think that the first chapter is crucial in doing so.
- a good steady pace, nothing too speedy or too slow that i noticed, though again slow on introducing the plot
- i noted some bits of humor here and there and enjoyed them, you should make them more often. It really lightens the feel of this as it just feels so serious
- honestly, now that im sitting here anaylizing it, it feels a bit dry :/ i think it can be solved with more dialogue, more humor, and more...joy. But then its only the first chapter, what are you gonna do :)
6/18/2011 c4 99Dreamers-Requiem
Poor Luke. I think you're doing a good job here of keeping up the mystery and suspense of what's going on with him; nothing is revealed too soon, and I like how you leave the reader almost as confused as Luke, in terms of what's going on. I'm starting to like Kyle more here, too; he really is a good friend to Luke, and it's good of him to drive him to Seattle when he realises how important it is. Their relationship, to me, remains realistic - it seems real for two guys to act like this. Good job with that. Good stuff; I look forward to seeing more.
99Dreamers-RequiemPoor Luke. I think you're doing a good job here of keeping up the mystery and suspense of what's going on with him; nothing is revealed too soon, and I like how you leave the reader almost as confused as Luke, in terms of what's going on. I'm starting to like Kyle more here, too; he really is a good friend to Luke, and it's good of him to drive him to Seattle when he realises how important it is. Their relationship, to me, remains realistic - it seems real for two guys to act like this. Good job with that. Good stuff; I look forward to seeing more.
6/16/2011 c2 11berley
I felt like this chapter was a little bit too short and rushed. As I read I felt like I wanted more when it came to descriptions of the setting and scene, as well as what was going on, especially when it came to the ending, which of course was my favourite part. I really like what’s going on so far, and I was just as confused as the narrator with what the hell was going on when everyone was suddenly staring at him. But I think you could have done more with it. I think with more descriptions and the right details you could really make that part of the chapter pretty creepy.
Again, I’m still left guessing what’s causing this, and what’s going to happen next which is always awesome when I read a story. Good job, I look forward to reading more!
11berleyI felt like this chapter was a little bit too short and rushed. As I read I felt like I wanted more when it came to descriptions of the setting and scene, as well as what was going on, especially when it came to the ending, which of course was my favourite part. I really like what’s going on so far, and I was just as confused as the narrator with what the hell was going on when everyone was suddenly staring at him. But I think you could have done more with it. I think with more descriptions and the right details you could really make that part of the chapter pretty creepy.
Again, I’m still left guessing what’s causing this, and what’s going to happen next which is always awesome when I read a story. Good job, I look forward to reading more!
6/15/2011 c1 berley
“…I didn't have to look in the mirror the know that my…”
- Typo: omit the second ‘the’ and replace it with ‘to’.
“…. It had gotten to past my ears, and well into my…”
- Omit ‘to’, and I would possibly rephrase this so that you are not using the word ‘gotten’. Maybe ‘grown’ instead?
Okay. The first thing I wanted to point out was that the gender of your narrator wasn’t very obvious at first, which lead me to a little bit of confusion until later on in the story. I’m not sure if it’s the language you are using, how the character acts, or if you just need to tie a sentence into the story earlier on that gives a huge hint to his gender. Also, I felt some of your sentence structure could use some tightening up a bit, sometimes it sounded a little bit sloppy, but if you just read your story out loud fixing these really small errors will be really easy.
I did enjoy this chapter, and the small cliff hanger that you leave it on definitely makes me interested to read more. Even though it’s just the first chapter, I can’t really predict anything that is going to happen, which is such an awesome thing for a story. I hope you keep me guessing throughout the rest of your chapters.
“…I didn't have to look in the mirror the know that my…”
- Typo: omit the second ‘the’ and replace it with ‘to’.
“…. It had gotten to past my ears, and well into my…”
- Omit ‘to’, and I would possibly rephrase this so that you are not using the word ‘gotten’. Maybe ‘grown’ instead?
Okay. The first thing I wanted to point out was that the gender of your narrator wasn’t very obvious at first, which lead me to a little bit of confusion until later on in the story. I’m not sure if it’s the language you are using, how the character acts, or if you just need to tie a sentence into the story earlier on that gives a huge hint to his gender. Also, I felt some of your sentence structure could use some tightening up a bit, sometimes it sounded a little bit sloppy, but if you just read your story out loud fixing these really small errors will be really easy.
I did enjoy this chapter, and the small cliff hanger that you leave it on definitely makes me interested to read more. Even though it’s just the first chapter, I can’t really predict anything that is going to happen, which is such an awesome thing for a story. I hope you keep me guessing throughout the rest of your chapters.
6/13/2011 c3 99Dreamers-Requiem
I really liked that chapter - it's strong, especially the one it opened. I like how Callie fussed over him, and it's given me even stronger 'maybe-she-likes-him' feelings. Anyway, you build up the suspense here quite well. [And then someone knocked.] I feel that if you take out the 'And then', that line might have more of a punch. Ahh, so is it maybe Luke who is making the fruit rotten? Interesting...again, great tension building and great ending there; really gives a strong hook. I wonder...my theory is that maybe Luke was in trouble for some reason, and erased his own past, created fake memories for himself, to hide out? Anyway, great stuff, will be reading more soon!
99Dreamers-RequiemI really liked that chapter - it's strong, especially the one it opened. I like how Callie fussed over him, and it's given me even stronger 'maybe-she-likes-him' feelings. Anyway, you build up the suspense here quite well. [And then someone knocked.] I feel that if you take out the 'And then', that line might have more of a punch. Ahh, so is it maybe Luke who is making the fruit rotten? Interesting...again, great tension building and great ending there; really gives a strong hook. I wonder...my theory is that maybe Luke was in trouble for some reason, and erased his own past, created fake memories for himself, to hide out? Anyway, great stuff, will be reading more soon!
6/7/2011 c2 Dreamers-Requiem
Again, a great chapter - Luke's voice seems to be getting just a bit stronger, as the narrative moves on, and I really feel that, as a reader, we're getting to know him more at a decent pace. Good job with that. I really like the interactions you have between the characters. I had a bad feeling about Luke going to grab lunch with Callie; maybe she has feelings for him? Maybe not and I'm looking into this too much but yeah. Great build up of suspense at the end, and I can only guess but I have the feeling things are going to get a lot more interesting for Luke :P
Again, a great chapter - Luke's voice seems to be getting just a bit stronger, as the narrative moves on, and I really feel that, as a reader, we're getting to know him more at a decent pace. Good job with that. I really like the interactions you have between the characters. I had a bad feeling about Luke going to grab lunch with Callie; maybe she has feelings for him? Maybe not and I'm looking into this too much but yeah. Great build up of suspense at the end, and I can only guess but I have the feeling things are going to get a lot more interesting for Luke :P