for Running Up That Hill6/5/2011 c4 
21LadyAxe
This whole tale is very "Twilight Zone". The progression is very familiar, reminiscent of the old suspense mysteries and I could not wait to find out what was going on. If this is the end of the story, I am left disappointed for an abrupt, unsatisfying end...I had hoped to scream in my chair and this story has all the makings of such a delicious fright ;-)
Very well done!
21LadyAxeThis whole tale is very "Twilight Zone". The progression is very familiar, reminiscent of the old suspense mysteries and I could not wait to find out what was going on. If this is the end of the story, I am left disappointed for an abrupt, unsatisfying end...I had hoped to scream in my chair and this story has all the makings of such a delicious fright ;-)
Very well done!
6/5/2011 c1 LadyAxe
You are such an easy read! I am totally "A.D.D." when it comes to reading, leaving me bored within
seconds, but your writing style is intriguing and pleasant. I kept reading simply because it was so easy, and then came the rotten fruit and I felt engaged and curious at once, not even realizing that I had actually read more than one paragraph. Can't wait to read the next chapter...see you there!
You are such an easy read! I am totally "A.D.D." when it comes to reading, leaving me bored within
seconds, but your writing style is intriguing and pleasant. I kept reading simply because it was so easy, and then came the rotten fruit and I felt engaged and curious at once, not even realizing that I had actually read more than one paragraph. Can't wait to read the next chapter...see you there!
6/2/2011 c1 Frap
I like how steady this first chapter read and it seems that we have some mystery here.
You have a couple too many 'I's throughout but its a small thing and though there are instances you need a comma, the read was still very enjoyable for me.
The characters are all well done so far and the story around them is such that it helps us to feel like we know them in a short while so great job on that.
You also do a good job of showing us what's going on without showing too much. If that doesn't make sense let me know. But I liked this and I wonder what's up with the rotten fruit.
The creepy kid in the beginning is and was written with enough intrigue that anyone reading I suspect will want to continue.
Thanks for sharing.
Frap
The Blitz
I like how steady this first chapter read and it seems that we have some mystery here.
You have a couple too many 'I's throughout but its a small thing and though there are instances you need a comma, the read was still very enjoyable for me.
The characters are all well done so far and the story around them is such that it helps us to feel like we know them in a short while so great job on that.
You also do a good job of showing us what's going on without showing too much. If that doesn't make sense let me know. But I liked this and I wonder what's up with the rotten fruit.
The creepy kid in the beginning is and was written with enough intrigue that anyone reading I suspect will want to continue.
Thanks for sharing.
Frap
The Blitz
5/31/2011 c2 4lookingwest
Characters- Liked the interaction and developments with Luke and Callie, I thought it really picked up when Kyle was out of the picture. You even managed to give the cat Camael a bit of a nice character development in this chapter too, and I enjoyed the bit about finding out what the name was about, keeps things lively.
Setting- I would have liked more from the Farmer's Market, I felt like that scene was a bit rushed and could have lingered more for description that went beyond the basics, however, I did enjoy the setting once they got to the park, and I think that was the best constructed in this chapter. The dorm rooms also felt a bit basic, but then there aren't much to dorm rooms either, haha! Overall though, the park scene was lovely in the way it was constructed and it helped when the weird occurrence of the staring happened.
Dialogue- There was a lot of it in this chapter, but again, I thought it was realistic and consistent, everyone's tone was very much like I would expect a college student's to be. I liked Kyle's snarky conversation in the beginning that gets balanced out by Callie's later on-especially the moment when Luke compares their senses of humor-it also lent a bit to character developments too.
Plot- This is my favorite part of your story so far! I *really* want to know what the hell is happening in this story, I've never read anything quite like what's going on with Luke before and I really want to see where you can take it. Since this is in Supernatural, I just find myself scratching my head a bit trying to figure out the mystery of what kind of thing that bum could have done-is he turning into something or is it just some sort of curse? Love trying to work it out!
4lookingwestCharacters- Liked the interaction and developments with Luke and Callie, I thought it really picked up when Kyle was out of the picture. You even managed to give the cat Camael a bit of a nice character development in this chapter too, and I enjoyed the bit about finding out what the name was about, keeps things lively.
Setting- I would have liked more from the Farmer's Market, I felt like that scene was a bit rushed and could have lingered more for description that went beyond the basics, however, I did enjoy the setting once they got to the park, and I think that was the best constructed in this chapter. The dorm rooms also felt a bit basic, but then there aren't much to dorm rooms either, haha! Overall though, the park scene was lovely in the way it was constructed and it helped when the weird occurrence of the staring happened.
Dialogue- There was a lot of it in this chapter, but again, I thought it was realistic and consistent, everyone's tone was very much like I would expect a college student's to be. I liked Kyle's snarky conversation in the beginning that gets balanced out by Callie's later on-especially the moment when Luke compares their senses of humor-it also lent a bit to character developments too.
Plot- This is my favorite part of your story so far! I *really* want to know what the hell is happening in this story, I've never read anything quite like what's going on with Luke before and I really want to see where you can take it. Since this is in Supernatural, I just find myself scratching my head a bit trying to figure out the mystery of what kind of thing that bum could have done-is he turning into something or is it just some sort of curse? Love trying to work it out!
5/31/2011 c1 99Dreamers-Requiem
For a first chapter, I really liked that. I think it worked really well to draw the reader in and create a good hook for them to want to continue reading. The character is likeable and has a fairly distinctive voice so good job with that. I would suggest, however, changing - [Kyle grinned at me from the computer desk.] and [Although I could only see his back from the computer he was so intently focused on, I knew what he looked like.] grinning from the computer implies he's facing Luke, and I think, as he is Luke's roomate, readers would assume that he'd be aware of what Kyle looks like. [The last thing I wanted to end up looking like some surfer dude.] sounds awkward; mayve missing "was" between the 'wanted' and 'to'? Anyway, other than that, some really good stuff here and I will be reading more soon.
-from The Roadhouse
99Dreamers-RequiemFor a first chapter, I really liked that. I think it worked really well to draw the reader in and create a good hook for them to want to continue reading. The character is likeable and has a fairly distinctive voice so good job with that. I would suggest, however, changing - [Kyle grinned at me from the computer desk.] and [Although I could only see his back from the computer he was so intently focused on, I knew what he looked like.] grinning from the computer implies he's facing Luke, and I think, as he is Luke's roomate, readers would assume that he'd be aware of what Kyle looks like. [The last thing I wanted to end up looking like some surfer dude.] sounds awkward; mayve missing "was" between the 'wanted' and 'to'? Anyway, other than that, some really good stuff here and I will be reading more soon.
-from The Roadhouse
5/30/2011 c4 xxcjowaf
It was... iffy. I liked it, but it seemed bland somehow. Not dull, because it was easy to read, but it wasn't EXCITING-exciting either.
Anyway, I don't have much to say about the story, but firstly, I didn't like the ending to chapter 3. At all. It was perfectly find until "I got the same message three times. What was going on? Where were my parents?". I would cut that bit out and leave it with the message itself, it is a much more impact-full ending. And it would fit just as well with the beginning of chapter 4.
Secondly, I love the immense mystery. You have the opportunity to develop an amazing setting characterized by the world's spastic antagonism of Luke. That is to say, everyone periodically goes batshit, then their fine, and there doesn't seem to be any pattern to it. Then with the stoner and the smell and Duncan, you have the makings of a secret society of transcendental creatures, or two such societies rather, which are at war.
Now I will say that I was more than a bit disappointed when Luke's explanation was interrupted by a "mysterious" thing that hit the car. I can tell you are trying to end the chapter in a moment of emotional intensity to create an effective cliff hanger to keep people hooked until the next installment, but this doesn't do that.
I do not feel in anyway anxious about what will happen next, nor do I fear for Luke or even Kyle's wellbeing (although Kyle's is more in jeopardy than Luke's, on account of his supporting role). Do you know why I am afflicted with such lack of emotion? Because this is clichéd. It is like most such stories with secret societies of transcendental creatures at war. The hero is ignorant of his identity and refuses to believe the good transcendental creatures when they try to inform him of it, until a close encounter with the evil transcendental creatures, whereupon he is saved by the good transcendental creatures who in saving the hero earn his trust and convince him to join their society to battle the other society.
There will also be a portion of the story dedicated to training to take on the ultimate evil, where a loving but stern mentor will teach the hero the skills necessary to survive and will then either send him on his way, or be killed, thus forcing the hero to strike on his own in search of revenge or survival.
From where I am sitting, that is the plot I think this story will follow. I was disappointed because I was hoping (dreaming even) that this would be the story I have longed for for as long as I can remember, but have never had the pleasure of reading. A supernatural story about the politics of two secret societies of transcendental creatures at war. That is, the hero does not fight because fighting is for those unworthy of the subtleties of politics.
I was disappointed because as fun as stories of the kind I have described in depth are to read, it is escapist fiction, and I have my reservations about escapist fiction. But, that is just me.
On a more positive note, you have great characterization, I like how Luke's knowledge of Callie's personality is slowly growing, the writing isn't bland everywhere and is quite exciting in a lot of places, and you have the potential to create an amazing mood.
Overall, I liked it and I will watch this story, hoping that all my predictions were wrong and that I look like an idiot and that this is indeed the story of my dreams.
Hope everything made sense, and please PM me if you felt the review was bad, if I was overly critical, if you wanted specific examples of anything, or if you wanted my thoughts on anything.
Well done.
It was... iffy. I liked it, but it seemed bland somehow. Not dull, because it was easy to read, but it wasn't EXCITING-exciting either.
Anyway, I don't have much to say about the story, but firstly, I didn't like the ending to chapter 3. At all. It was perfectly find until "I got the same message three times. What was going on? Where were my parents?". I would cut that bit out and leave it with the message itself, it is a much more impact-full ending. And it would fit just as well with the beginning of chapter 4.
Secondly, I love the immense mystery. You have the opportunity to develop an amazing setting characterized by the world's spastic antagonism of Luke. That is to say, everyone periodically goes batshit, then their fine, and there doesn't seem to be any pattern to it. Then with the stoner and the smell and Duncan, you have the makings of a secret society of transcendental creatures, or two such societies rather, which are at war.
Now I will say that I was more than a bit disappointed when Luke's explanation was interrupted by a "mysterious" thing that hit the car. I can tell you are trying to end the chapter in a moment of emotional intensity to create an effective cliff hanger to keep people hooked until the next installment, but this doesn't do that.
I do not feel in anyway anxious about what will happen next, nor do I fear for Luke or even Kyle's wellbeing (although Kyle's is more in jeopardy than Luke's, on account of his supporting role). Do you know why I am afflicted with such lack of emotion? Because this is clichéd. It is like most such stories with secret societies of transcendental creatures at war. The hero is ignorant of his identity and refuses to believe the good transcendental creatures when they try to inform him of it, until a close encounter with the evil transcendental creatures, whereupon he is saved by the good transcendental creatures who in saving the hero earn his trust and convince him to join their society to battle the other society.
There will also be a portion of the story dedicated to training to take on the ultimate evil, where a loving but stern mentor will teach the hero the skills necessary to survive and will then either send him on his way, or be killed, thus forcing the hero to strike on his own in search of revenge or survival.
From where I am sitting, that is the plot I think this story will follow. I was disappointed because I was hoping (dreaming even) that this would be the story I have longed for for as long as I can remember, but have never had the pleasure of reading. A supernatural story about the politics of two secret societies of transcendental creatures at war. That is, the hero does not fight because fighting is for those unworthy of the subtleties of politics.
I was disappointed because as fun as stories of the kind I have described in depth are to read, it is escapist fiction, and I have my reservations about escapist fiction. But, that is just me.
On a more positive note, you have great characterization, I like how Luke's knowledge of Callie's personality is slowly growing, the writing isn't bland everywhere and is quite exciting in a lot of places, and you have the potential to create an amazing mood.
Overall, I liked it and I will watch this story, hoping that all my predictions were wrong and that I look like an idiot and that this is indeed the story of my dreams.
Hope everything made sense, and please PM me if you felt the review was bad, if I was overly critical, if you wanted specific examples of anything, or if you wanted my thoughts on anything.
Well done.
5/28/2011 c3 wisedec4u
RG - Depth
I'm really enjoying your story so far. The pacing is great and the suspense is building with each chapter.
Dialogue: I though the dialogue was good. I sound natural and flowed welled. Coupled with Luke's inner thoughts I felt the urgency building.
Characters: I really am enjoy the character Luke. He's witty and a bit of cynic, and very relatable. I'm still which for more physical descriptions so I can have bit more a clue of what Luke looks like.
Plot: I think you're working with a really good plot here. My mind is filled with scenarios of who and what Luke really is as well as his connection to Duncan and the mysterious pothead. You do good job of moving the story along, by providing us with small clues a long the way that something just isn't normal.
Overall, I was intrigued by this story. I definitely a page turner and look forward to reading the next chapter.
RG - Depth
I'm really enjoying your story so far. The pacing is great and the suspense is building with each chapter.
Dialogue: I though the dialogue was good. I sound natural and flowed welled. Coupled with Luke's inner thoughts I felt the urgency building.
Characters: I really am enjoy the character Luke. He's witty and a bit of cynic, and very relatable. I'm still which for more physical descriptions so I can have bit more a clue of what Luke looks like.
Plot: I think you're working with a really good plot here. My mind is filled with scenarios of who and what Luke really is as well as his connection to Duncan and the mysterious pothead. You do good job of moving the story along, by providing us with small clues a long the way that something just isn't normal.
Overall, I was intrigued by this story. I definitely a page turner and look forward to reading the next chapter.
5/28/2011 c4 3Rosemarysgraden001
Lovely suspense and chapter, I liked it. I am curious what is happening and how it will all be revealed.
~Rose~
3Rosemarysgraden001Lovely suspense and chapter, I liked it. I am curious what is happening and how it will all be revealed.
~Rose~
5/28/2011 c1 6kurotsuba
First off, thanks for spending the time to review my work. Appreciated!
Here's my return~
I like how you pace your story. It started slow at first, then the it just picks up speed, building suspense along the way...
The beginning seems a little abrupt to me, but it is pretty alright once I finished the first paragraph.
I liked your character Kyle. He seems to me a very interesting and humorous guy. I wouldn't mind him to be my roomie. (Haha)
One very small grammar mistake I spotted though. You wrote: "Slightly disturbed, I tuned him out, and starting packing the groceries into our tiny fridge and cupboards." Would it be better if you replace 'starting' with 'started' instead?
:)
6kurotsubaFirst off, thanks for spending the time to review my work. Appreciated!
Here's my return~
I like how you pace your story. It started slow at first, then the it just picks up speed, building suspense along the way...
The beginning seems a little abrupt to me, but it is pretty alright once I finished the first paragraph.
I liked your character Kyle. He seems to me a very interesting and humorous guy. I wouldn't mind him to be my roomie. (Haha)
One very small grammar mistake I spotted though. You wrote: "Slightly disturbed, I tuned him out, and starting packing the groceries into our tiny fridge and cupboards." Would it be better if you replace 'starting' with 'started' instead?
:)
5/27/2011 c3 9Sakina the Fallen Angel
The mystery just keeps on building - I am rally liking the tension that you have going on here, especially with the realisation that Luke isn't the only one suffering from rotten food. In terms of characterisation, I also like the way you manage to convey so much about Callie's character through the phrase 'Florence Nightingale'. After all, less is more. The scene with the other guy was just plain confusing, but I'm guessing that's the point - anyway, it definitely made me want to read on and to find out more about the situation!
Spotted an error:
I'd already invested two years in premed [pre-med]
~ Sakina x
9Sakina the Fallen AngelThe mystery just keeps on building - I am rally liking the tension that you have going on here, especially with the realisation that Luke isn't the only one suffering from rotten food. In terms of characterisation, I also like the way you manage to convey so much about Callie's character through the phrase 'Florence Nightingale'. After all, less is more. The scene with the other guy was just plain confusing, but I'm guessing that's the point - anyway, it definitely made me want to read on and to find out more about the situation!
Spotted an error:
I'd already invested two years in premed [pre-med]
~ Sakina x
5/26/2011 c3 3Rosemarysgraden001
Strange, it was a very odd moment in a way. I am very intrigued to see what happens next though.
~Rose~
3Rosemarysgraden001Strange, it was a very odd moment in a way. I am very intrigued to see what happens next though.
~Rose~
5/26/2011 c2 34DanielStalwart
all your characters are sassy and i love it, you write good dialogue I should say. Every sentence has a different mood and feel, I can sense that everything like a true convo and drama scene. So well done on that part
34DanielStalwartall your characters are sassy and i love it, you write good dialogue I should say. Every sentence has a different mood and feel, I can sense that everything like a true convo and drama scene. So well done on that part
5/26/2011 c2 5drazer434
~From the Roadhouse
I really like the way you build the suspense here by contrasting the normal interaction between Luke, Kyle and Callie and then the Moments of Weirdness (which are so well done they have to be capitalised) which just make you think "what the hell is happening."
The narrative voice is excellent, and I think the characters of the characters are portrayed really well, and the dialogue between them is really flowing and natural and I can really imagine them saying it.
Again the ending was extremely creepy, but I think what is more creepy is that Luke and the reader have absolutely no idea why this is happening. It means that such events could happen at any time, and as I read the chapter I was continuously looking for a creepy event.
It isn't the jump out of your seat scary, but the slow-burning build up of tension did keep me literally on the edge of my seat as I was reading and my curiosity to see why this is happening, or what more will happen, is increasing with every word.
I also like the way you contrast humour with the creepiness. Lines like: [ I don't know what shenanigans she thought he would get up to when we were gone, but it worried me. I didn't want to come home to find everything ripped to shreds by a secretly evil cat.] made me laugh, and bring a bit of lightness to the story, whilst also adding depth to Luke as a character.
I could find any grammar or spelling mistakes at all, so I have nothing to say on that apart from well done.
Hope this helped.
~Drazer
5drazer434~From the Roadhouse
I really like the way you build the suspense here by contrasting the normal interaction between Luke, Kyle and Callie and then the Moments of Weirdness (which are so well done they have to be capitalised) which just make you think "what the hell is happening."
The narrative voice is excellent, and I think the characters of the characters are portrayed really well, and the dialogue between them is really flowing and natural and I can really imagine them saying it.
Again the ending was extremely creepy, but I think what is more creepy is that Luke and the reader have absolutely no idea why this is happening. It means that such events could happen at any time, and as I read the chapter I was continuously looking for a creepy event.
It isn't the jump out of your seat scary, but the slow-burning build up of tension did keep me literally on the edge of my seat as I was reading and my curiosity to see why this is happening, or what more will happen, is increasing with every word.
I also like the way you contrast humour with the creepiness. Lines like: [ I don't know what shenanigans she thought he would get up to when we were gone, but it worried me. I didn't want to come home to find everything ripped to shreds by a secretly evil cat.] made me laugh, and bring a bit of lightness to the story, whilst also adding depth to Luke as a character.
I could find any grammar or spelling mistakes at all, so I have nothing to say on that apart from well done.
Hope this helped.
~Drazer
5/26/2011 c2 9Sakina the Fallen Angel
I'm really warming up to your narrative here - I like the way that you have portrayed Luke and his personality - he seems to be really nice, yet still has many guy tendencies and mannerisms in his point of view. The banterous dialogue was also great, and made the tone of this chapter more playful. Callie also seems genuinely nice too, but I am wondering if the archangel name of her cat is some kind of foreshadowing as to the direction of this fic? Anyways, once again, a wonderfully creepy ending!
~ Sakina x
9Sakina the Fallen AngelI'm really warming up to your narrative here - I like the way that you have portrayed Luke and his personality - he seems to be really nice, yet still has many guy tendencies and mannerisms in his point of view. The banterous dialogue was also great, and made the tone of this chapter more playful. Callie also seems genuinely nice too, but I am wondering if the archangel name of her cat is some kind of foreshadowing as to the direction of this fic? Anyways, once again, a wonderfully creepy ending!
~ Sakina x
5/25/2011 c1 12Annabel H. Wilde
So I gotta say, I like your narrator. He's funny but not overpoweringly so. I also like the way that the strange occurrences are unusual but unobtrusively so. It's not like he gets hit by a car and wakes up with laser vision; the strangeness is gradual, which is a nice break from the cliche'd "big event".
-For the RG
12Annabel H. WildeSo I gotta say, I like your narrator. He's funny but not overpoweringly so. I also like the way that the strange occurrences are unusual but unobtrusively so. It's not like he gets hit by a car and wakes up with laser vision; the strangeness is gradual, which is a nice break from the cliche'd "big event".
-For the RG