for Running Up That Hill5/25/2011 c4 
5Whirlymerle
I really like that Kyle because he brings a lot of comic relief to the story; he also seems like the perfect sidekick for Luke. It was very nice of him to drive Luke up to Seattle.
["You better," He joked.] “He” should be lowercase
After four chapters, I have even less of a clue as to what’s going on than Luke. I’m of too minds about this, on the one hand, I like it because the mystery enticing and fresh. I can’t even guess what’s going on. On the other hand, it’s frustrating (not altogether in a bad way) that the pace is slow. I do hope that you won’t keep the readers totally in the dark any longer, especially because of the action packed ending.
~Merle
5WhirlymerleI really like that Kyle because he brings a lot of comic relief to the story; he also seems like the perfect sidekick for Luke. It was very nice of him to drive Luke up to Seattle.
["You better," He joked.] “He” should be lowercase
After four chapters, I have even less of a clue as to what’s going on than Luke. I’m of too minds about this, on the one hand, I like it because the mystery enticing and fresh. I can’t even guess what’s going on. On the other hand, it’s frustrating (not altogether in a bad way) that the pace is slow. I do hope that you won’t keep the readers totally in the dark any longer, especially because of the action packed ending.
~Merle
5/25/2011 c3 Whirlymerle
[And then someone knocked…. They knocked again] I’m not sure if this is intentional, because people make this grammar mistake while speaking all the time. But since it’s part of the narration and not the dialogue, maybe you should take another look at the agreement issue.
I like the appearance of the boy again, I could totally feel the tenseness of the atmosphere. I nearly expected him to call Luke some weird foreign name, and be like “You’ve been lied to all your life, Muwhahahaha!” What can I say, my imagination gets the better of me sometimes. :D
I thought the ending was done very well as well. Another chilling cliffhangeresque end that made me want to go on reading. :)
[And then someone knocked…. They knocked again] I’m not sure if this is intentional, because people make this grammar mistake while speaking all the time. But since it’s part of the narration and not the dialogue, maybe you should take another look at the agreement issue.
I like the appearance of the boy again, I could totally feel the tenseness of the atmosphere. I nearly expected him to call Luke some weird foreign name, and be like “You’ve been lied to all your life, Muwhahahaha!” What can I say, my imagination gets the better of me sometimes. :D
I thought the ending was done very well as well. Another chilling cliffhangeresque end that made me want to go on reading. :)
5/24/2011 c2 Whirlymerle
Aww… I like Luke admitting that he loved cats. It’s a detail that made him much more interesting and “round” of a character.
I also like the humor with Callie and Carmael. Not only did it provide comic relief, I thought it added to the characterization of Callie and her angelic sickly sweetness.
Am I just overanalyzing, or do I detect some spark of attraction between Callie and Luke? I’m not well acquainted with the male mind, but their going to lunch when that was Kyle’s dream, their affinity for cats, and Luke’s constant calling Callie kind and cute and adorable seems to suggest this.
The freaky parts are REALLY freaky…
Aww… I like Luke admitting that he loved cats. It’s a detail that made him much more interesting and “round” of a character.
I also like the humor with Callie and Carmael. Not only did it provide comic relief, I thought it added to the characterization of Callie and her angelic sickly sweetness.
Am I just overanalyzing, or do I detect some spark of attraction between Callie and Luke? I’m not well acquainted with the male mind, but their going to lunch when that was Kyle’s dream, their affinity for cats, and Luke’s constant calling Callie kind and cute and adorable seems to suggest this.
The freaky parts are REALLY freaky…
5/24/2011 c1 3thenutrunningthenuthouse
Hey,
Sorry about the delayed review return, but I'll try to make up for it in the review.
Intro: Your first few sentences did a good job at hooking me in. As well, your initial scenario with Luke and the crazy kid were interesting. It felt a little condensed, but I'm sure that it'll be explained more later.
Characters: He sounds a bit like the typical college kid, but it's only the first chapter. So far, he's a good narrator, giving the facts down pretty well, and he seems like a nice guy, studious, chill. Kyle is already amusing what with the cat and the creepy cat talk with Callie's cat. I can see him being a very funny add to the story.
Plot: I liked the rotten fruit part. It's a very subtle way of implying that there's something going on. I feel like it's small enough that some readers might not pick up on it while others who do will find it nice to know for the rest of the story. Nice job.
My only note would be that guys typically don't focus on physical descriptions of other guys, so I'd keep it simpler. In particular, guys don't look into other guy's eyes much, so maybe not mention that. It's just a tip I was given once, so use it as you think necessary.
Repaid 1/1
3thenutrunningthenuthouseHey,
Sorry about the delayed review return, but I'll try to make up for it in the review.
Intro: Your first few sentences did a good job at hooking me in. As well, your initial scenario with Luke and the crazy kid were interesting. It felt a little condensed, but I'm sure that it'll be explained more later.
Characters: He sounds a bit like the typical college kid, but it's only the first chapter. So far, he's a good narrator, giving the facts down pretty well, and he seems like a nice guy, studious, chill. Kyle is already amusing what with the cat and the creepy cat talk with Callie's cat. I can see him being a very funny add to the story.
Plot: I liked the rotten fruit part. It's a very subtle way of implying that there's something going on. I feel like it's small enough that some readers might not pick up on it while others who do will find it nice to know for the rest of the story. Nice job.
My only note would be that guys typically don't focus on physical descriptions of other guys, so I'd keep it simpler. In particular, guys don't look into other guy's eyes much, so maybe not mention that. It's just a tip I was given once, so use it as you think necessary.
Repaid 1/1
5/24/2011 c1 2Shero
That would be sooooo weird! Rotten fruit? How odd..
I would be seriously disturbed. I like it so far. There's just one thing that stands out to me. The paragraph that describes Kyle, where it says:
"Although I could only see his back from the computer he was so intently focused on, I knew what he looked like."
Before that, you make it known that Kyle is Luke's roommate, and from earlier paragraphs it is apparent that they know eachother. To say that Luke knows what Kyle looks like is kind of extraneous, if you catch my drift.
Hee hee, Camel is a great name for a cat, especially a friendly one! Good job so far, I like your sense of humor!
2SheroThat would be sooooo weird! Rotten fruit? How odd..
I would be seriously disturbed. I like it so far. There's just one thing that stands out to me. The paragraph that describes Kyle, where it says:
"Although I could only see his back from the computer he was so intently focused on, I knew what he looked like."
Before that, you make it known that Kyle is Luke's roommate, and from earlier paragraphs it is apparent that they know eachother. To say that Luke knows what Kyle looks like is kind of extraneous, if you catch my drift.
Hee hee, Camel is a great name for a cat, especially a friendly one! Good job so far, I like your sense of humor!
5/24/2011 c4 3ShortcakeMattie
I felt like I was watching a movie while reading this chapter. The end where something crashes into Kyle's car, I jumped as if I'd seen it in a movie. I have a ton of questions but I will just have to wait for later chapters! Well done. I hope you update soon! :)
-Mattie
3ShortcakeMattieI felt like I was watching a movie while reading this chapter. The end where something crashes into Kyle's car, I jumped as if I'd seen it in a movie. I have a ton of questions but I will just have to wait for later chapters! Well done. I hope you update soon! :)
-Mattie
5/24/2011 c3 ShortcakeMattie
I didn't really want to me alone, because the absolute silence was worse.
Edit: I didn't really want to be alone because the absolute silence was worse.
-
I would've been offended it I weren't so freaked out.
Edit: I would've been offended if I weren't so freaked out.
-
The suspense keeps building! As other reviewers have told you, you write suspense very well. I thought the scenes flowed nicely together and they weren't too short or too long. The history between Luke with the bum and Duncan and whoever "they" are is interesting. Can't wait to see what you have coming next!
I didn't really want to me alone, because the absolute silence was worse.
Edit: I didn't really want to be alone because the absolute silence was worse.
-
I would've been offended it I weren't so freaked out.
Edit: I would've been offended if I weren't so freaked out.
-
The suspense keeps building! As other reviewers have told you, you write suspense very well. I thought the scenes flowed nicely together and they weren't too short or too long. The history between Luke with the bum and Duncan and whoever "they" are is interesting. Can't wait to see what you have coming next!
5/24/2011 c2 ShortcakeMattie
With a final loud kiss on the top of the cat's head, she let him down, and smiled at Kyle and I.
Edit: With a final loud kiss on the top of the cat's head, she let him down, and smiled at Kyle and me.
-
The white tents, each on housing a different vendor and product, contrasted nicely with the bright green grass underneath.
Edit: The white tents, each one house a different vendor and product, contrasted nicely with the bright green grass underneath.
-
Callie's bond with her cat makes me smile. She reminds me of my sister with our dog. XD
The ending was really creepy and brings up tons of questions. Nice cliffhanger. I have to go click the next button now!
-Mattie
With a final loud kiss on the top of the cat's head, she let him down, and smiled at Kyle and I.
Edit: With a final loud kiss on the top of the cat's head, she let him down, and smiled at Kyle and me.
-
The white tents, each on housing a different vendor and product, contrasted nicely with the bright green grass underneath.
Edit: The white tents, each one house a different vendor and product, contrasted nicely with the bright green grass underneath.
-
Callie's bond with her cat makes me smile. She reminds me of my sister with our dog. XD
The ending was really creepy and brings up tons of questions. Nice cliffhanger. I have to go click the next button now!
-Mattie
5/24/2011 c4 17Eponine254
Another great chapter! I can really feel Luke's bewilderment and frustration as things get weirder and weirder. I think this chapter could maybe have used a little more dialogue to build the relationship between the two friends, but that's about it. Great ending to the chapter too - so much suspense! I look forward to the next one! :)
17Eponine254Another great chapter! I can really feel Luke's bewilderment and frustration as things get weirder and weirder. I think this chapter could maybe have used a little more dialogue to build the relationship between the two friends, but that's about it. Great ending to the chapter too - so much suspense! I look forward to the next one! :)
5/23/2011 c1 2book.addict.for.life
Ok, a pretty goos start. The encounter with the weird guy made it strange but maybe you could have worked on that a little more, ya know? Made it a little more spooky.
The conversation was a tad bit confusing at first but became clearer later :)
Like your plot and I hope you have something awesome planned :)
~Bookaddict
P.S: Thanks for the review, will keep all th points in mind :)
I'm planning to take downt the first chapter and rewrite it. Has tooo many errors.
2book.addict.for.lifeOk, a pretty goos start. The encounter with the weird guy made it strange but maybe you could have worked on that a little more, ya know? Made it a little more spooky.
The conversation was a tad bit confusing at first but became clearer later :)
Like your plot and I hope you have something awesome planned :)
~Bookaddict
P.S: Thanks for the review, will keep all th points in mind :)
I'm planning to take downt the first chapter and rewrite it. Has tooo many errors.
5/23/2011 c4 2Cinnamon Cyanide
The good:
I'm liking your use of suspense. You have several mysteries in the build-up; they have potential. Its actually sort of freaking me out at how familiar your "college life" set up is.
The slightly less good:
So, what season is it? Little details about the weather or environment or time can help set a mood. Rain, or huge buildings, or traffic. Yeah, traffic.
Last minute comments:
Gosh I hope they survive that car accident...
2Cinnamon CyanideThe good:
I'm liking your use of suspense. You have several mysteries in the build-up; they have potential. Its actually sort of freaking me out at how familiar your "college life" set up is.
The slightly less good:
So, what season is it? Little details about the weather or environment or time can help set a mood. Rain, or huge buildings, or traffic. Yeah, traffic.
Last minute comments:
Gosh I hope they survive that car accident...
5/22/2011 c4 2dragonflydreamer
(I meant to do this for the RG, but I got distracted with other things. Here's a freebie anyway!)
[Maybe I'd somehow forgotten the numbers. And, two years ago, programmed all three into my cell phone wrong.] I'd suggest combining this into one sentence.
[over and over again, without any conclusion.] The comma isn't needed.
[You owe me $40 bucks.] You don't need both. You could go with $40, or I'd recommend "forty bucks."
[Kyle tsked] I like the word "tsked."
[here's where it got awkward.] Capitol h.
[Silent, expect for my dialing] except
[This was mychildhood home.] You need a space in there (FP eats spaces after italics)
-
Just jumping into this chapter, this seems like an interesting story. Not edge-of-my-seat engaging, but there are some curious things going on. Based on the summary, it seems to me that he met someone who cursed him or something along those lines? Don't mind me too much, I'm just speculating in the dark, but it sounds like a cool idea. The thing with the parents was chilling. So whose number was he calling the whole time? Was he erased from him parents' lives? Were they somehow erased? There are so many possibilities with where to go next!
Not bad with the characters. I can't tell a whole lot about Luke, but then again, he's acting in a crisis, so it wouldn't be his true nature anyway. I did like the balance of what he was telling and withholding from his friend because he seems like an honest person, but he knows how to get what he needs. I wonder how this moral standards will fare as the plot progresses.
Solid writing. It could never hurt to have more physical description, but the emotional description was good. Not overbearing, but I could understand everything Luke was going through. The sentence flow was very readable and nothing about the word choice seemed odd.
Looks like you have a pretty good story going here. This chapter wasn't extraordinary, but it was solid and caught my interest.
2dragonflydreamer(I meant to do this for the RG, but I got distracted with other things. Here's a freebie anyway!)
[Maybe I'd somehow forgotten the numbers. And, two years ago, programmed all three into my cell phone wrong.] I'd suggest combining this into one sentence.
[over and over again, without any conclusion.] The comma isn't needed.
[You owe me $40 bucks.] You don't need both. You could go with $40, or I'd recommend "forty bucks."
[Kyle tsked] I like the word "tsked."
[here's where it got awkward.] Capitol h.
[Silent, expect for my dialing] except
[This was mychildhood home.] You need a space in there (FP eats spaces after italics)
-
Just jumping into this chapter, this seems like an interesting story. Not edge-of-my-seat engaging, but there are some curious things going on. Based on the summary, it seems to me that he met someone who cursed him or something along those lines? Don't mind me too much, I'm just speculating in the dark, but it sounds like a cool idea. The thing with the parents was chilling. So whose number was he calling the whole time? Was he erased from him parents' lives? Were they somehow erased? There are so many possibilities with where to go next!
Not bad with the characters. I can't tell a whole lot about Luke, but then again, he's acting in a crisis, so it wouldn't be his true nature anyway. I did like the balance of what he was telling and withholding from his friend because he seems like an honest person, but he knows how to get what he needs. I wonder how this moral standards will fare as the plot progresses.
Solid writing. It could never hurt to have more physical description, but the emotional description was good. Not overbearing, but I could understand everything Luke was going through. The sentence flow was very readable and nothing about the word choice seemed odd.
Looks like you have a pretty good story going here. This chapter wasn't extraordinary, but it was solid and caught my interest.
5/22/2011 c1 5Dr. Self Destruct
Interesting beginning. You do well in showing the college mentality with the tone and wording of the story. The cat part was pretty cute-I'm a cat lover, after all. =)
Hmmm, I wonder if the person in the beginning of the chapter, the who smelled like cigarettes, is the person responsible for the rotten food. I can't think of any other reason why so much emphasis was put on him if he didn't impact the plot in some may... but maybe I'm over complicating things.
This is a good beginning, but at some points in the story, mainly the third to fifth paragraphs, it feels a bit too telly instead of showy. Where do they live? How is the weather? What noises does the main character hear? What does he smell? Is this a busy city? Are the sidewalks crowded or vacant? The best way to accomplish immersion in a first person narration is to draw attention to the character's five senses. Perhaps divulge a bit more on his thoughts/concerns of the foul smelling man, or even the setting itself.
Only a few things to keep in mind. Can't wait to read more. =)
5Dr. Self DestructInteresting beginning. You do well in showing the college mentality with the tone and wording of the story. The cat part was pretty cute-I'm a cat lover, after all. =)
Hmmm, I wonder if the person in the beginning of the chapter, the who smelled like cigarettes, is the person responsible for the rotten food. I can't think of any other reason why so much emphasis was put on him if he didn't impact the plot in some may... but maybe I'm over complicating things.
This is a good beginning, but at some points in the story, mainly the third to fifth paragraphs, it feels a bit too telly instead of showy. Where do they live? How is the weather? What noises does the main character hear? What does he smell? Is this a busy city? Are the sidewalks crowded or vacant? The best way to accomplish immersion in a first person narration is to draw attention to the character's five senses. Perhaps divulge a bit more on his thoughts/concerns of the foul smelling man, or even the setting itself.
Only a few things to keep in mind. Can't wait to read more. =)
5/22/2011 c3 7LiberryBooked
The opening of this chapter wasn't as strong as it could be. Though I had read the chapter before already, I was left a little confused at the start of this. Because of the way FictionPress works, you have to expect that people will read your chapters at different times so make sure your chapter beginnings kind of re-explain things.
I liked the ending of this chapter though. It was a strong cliff hanger that leaves the reader wanting to read more.
I also think you could have made this chapter stronger by expanding your descriptions. Your chapters feel kind of short to me and explaining things in a little more detailed manner might help with that.
Character-wise I'm not sure where you're going with Callie. She's Kyle's girlfriend is she not? It feels like she's spending an unusual amount of time with the main character and almost like she has a thing for him. But I might just be reading too far into it. Its just that most of the time we've seen her she's been with the main character. Not her boyfriend.
7LiberryBookedThe opening of this chapter wasn't as strong as it could be. Though I had read the chapter before already, I was left a little confused at the start of this. Because of the way FictionPress works, you have to expect that people will read your chapters at different times so make sure your chapter beginnings kind of re-explain things.
I liked the ending of this chapter though. It was a strong cliff hanger that leaves the reader wanting to read more.
I also think you could have made this chapter stronger by expanding your descriptions. Your chapters feel kind of short to me and explaining things in a little more detailed manner might help with that.
Character-wise I'm not sure where you're going with Callie. She's Kyle's girlfriend is she not? It feels like she's spending an unusual amount of time with the main character and almost like she has a thing for him. But I might just be reading too far into it. Its just that most of the time we've seen her she's been with the main character. Not her boyfriend.
5/22/2011 c4 LiberryBooked
This is really starting to get super interesting. The chapters are a little short I think, but you're doing a great job of keeping the reader captivated. In the beginning it was just small little creepy things, but now its started getting bigger and snowballing, and I'm liking how you did that.
I like the relationship between the main character and Kyle, but I feel like you could make it stronger. Right now the story is just really centered on the main character and the others are there just to help move the story along. I think it would be much better if they were integral to the plot, but then again, maybe these characters are just placeholders until we meet the real characters like Duncan.
All in all an intriguing chapter. I'll be waiting for future chapters :).
This is really starting to get super interesting. The chapters are a little short I think, but you're doing a great job of keeping the reader captivated. In the beginning it was just small little creepy things, but now its started getting bigger and snowballing, and I'm liking how you did that.
I like the relationship between the main character and Kyle, but I feel like you could make it stronger. Right now the story is just really centered on the main character and the others are there just to help move the story along. I think it would be much better if they were integral to the plot, but then again, maybe these characters are just placeholders until we meet the real characters like Duncan.
All in all an intriguing chapter. I'll be waiting for future chapters :).