for Running Up That Hill5/22/2011 c4 
3RBVR1234
I really love this!
You're really good at cliffhangers, I can't wait for next chapters!
3RBVR1234I really love this!
You're really good at cliffhangers, I can't wait for next chapters!
5/22/2011 c4 12Deedee Elle
The plot thickens! This chapter is really disconcerting, the way it changes suddenly from the banter between characters to the revelation about the house was very effectively done.
12Deedee ElleThe plot thickens! This chapter is really disconcerting, the way it changes suddenly from the banter between characters to the revelation about the house was very effectively done.
5/22/2011 c4 CCKins
Oh God! Is Kyle dead? He can't be!
This story is too much... I'm actually kinda creeped out... very creeped.
Cannot wait until the next chapter. This is too intense!
Oh God! Is Kyle dead? He can't be!
This story is too much... I'm actually kinda creeped out... very creeped.
Cannot wait until the next chapter. This is too intense!
5/22/2011 c2 20Hokuto Uchiha
The food bit in chapter 1 was pretty funny.
I thought the people just freezing up and staring at Luke were creepy.
Great job.
20Hokuto UchihaThe food bit in chapter 1 was pretty funny.
I thought the people just freezing up and staring at Luke were creepy.
Great job.
5/22/2011 c2 3Rosemarysgraden001
Ok review time!
I thought that this chapter was a good continuation and reminded me of doctor who. I thought that the introduction of the girlfriend was nice.
~Rose~ (Blitz)
3Rosemarysgraden001Ok review time!
I thought that this chapter was a good continuation and reminded me of doctor who. I thought that the introduction of the girlfriend was nice.
~Rose~ (Blitz)
5/21/2011 c1 5Whirlymerle
I really like the snarky tone of your narrator. I thought it made Luke come to life as a character. My suggestion for the first paragraph, though, is to lessen the passive voice there. Especially in the first three sentences. I thought that the concentration of “was…” made the sentence flow a little choppy.
The cat bit was cute, though maybe I’m just partial to cats.
[She loves this cat more than anything.] Poor Kyle. He even knows that he doesn’t compare to Callie’s cat. :/
[my blonde hair] I’m almost positive that “blonde” is a noun for a fair haired person, and this should be “blond”.
Great beginning. I’m completely intrigued by the premise of the plot. I thought the rotten vegetables added a unique gross/scary factor. The supernatural aspect of it was clever and subtle (or at least, not like, I was bitten by a beautiful but cursed vampire today). I’m looking forward to reading more.
Great work!
~Merle
5WhirlymerleI really like the snarky tone of your narrator. I thought it made Luke come to life as a character. My suggestion for the first paragraph, though, is to lessen the passive voice there. Especially in the first three sentences. I thought that the concentration of “was…” made the sentence flow a little choppy.
The cat bit was cute, though maybe I’m just partial to cats.
[She loves this cat more than anything.] Poor Kyle. He even knows that he doesn’t compare to Callie’s cat. :/
[my blonde hair] I’m almost positive that “blonde” is a noun for a fair haired person, and this should be “blond”.
Great beginning. I’m completely intrigued by the premise of the plot. I thought the rotten vegetables added a unique gross/scary factor. The supernatural aspect of it was clever and subtle (or at least, not like, I was bitten by a beautiful but cursed vampire today). I’m looking forward to reading more.
Great work!
~Merle
5/21/2011 c3 hyrule
Right off the top, I love a good first sentence that immediately pulls me in. I love when a story instantly starts off with some sort of exciting, interesting beginning. And I totally push the “walk” button a million and one times too, aha.
And I really like how it sort of starts out so incredibly innocently. The banter between Kyle and Luke, the witty one-liners that made me smile, other than the rotten fruit it really paints this really... normal life, that he has. I really like Kyle though, which isn’t a surprise because I’m usually drawn to the best friend a lot. They have the sort of opposite friendship that really compliments each other. I hope that because he isn’t all into the whole creepy part he’s not thrown out, because I like him! :)
Callie too, she seems pretty cool. I like the fact that she treats her cat like a person, it gives her that sort of realistic quality because I know a lot of people that do that.
But it’s also got a lot of creepy, which really keeps it interesting. Just picturing everyone stopping and staring, I would probably make a run for it. Especially if all their faces were just blank. I’m really wondering how you’ll connect the whole rotten food thing, because it just seems so… random, but totally awesome at the same time because I’ve never seen anything like that.
The ending of the third chapter was just like, oh my god I want more. It’s so suspenseful and all “Who’s Duncan? Who is this guy? Why does he not remember anything? Did he have an awesome life that he made himself forget? Where are his parents?”
I have a love-hate relationship with cliff-hangers, but you I’m totally going to keep reading this. :)
Right off the top, I love a good first sentence that immediately pulls me in. I love when a story instantly starts off with some sort of exciting, interesting beginning. And I totally push the “walk” button a million and one times too, aha.
And I really like how it sort of starts out so incredibly innocently. The banter between Kyle and Luke, the witty one-liners that made me smile, other than the rotten fruit it really paints this really... normal life, that he has. I really like Kyle though, which isn’t a surprise because I’m usually drawn to the best friend a lot. They have the sort of opposite friendship that really compliments each other. I hope that because he isn’t all into the whole creepy part he’s not thrown out, because I like him! :)
Callie too, she seems pretty cool. I like the fact that she treats her cat like a person, it gives her that sort of realistic quality because I know a lot of people that do that.
But it’s also got a lot of creepy, which really keeps it interesting. Just picturing everyone stopping and staring, I would probably make a run for it. Especially if all their faces were just blank. I’m really wondering how you’ll connect the whole rotten food thing, because it just seems so… random, but totally awesome at the same time because I’ve never seen anything like that.
The ending of the third chapter was just like, oh my god I want more. It’s so suspenseful and all “Who’s Duncan? Who is this guy? Why does he not remember anything? Did he have an awesome life that he made himself forget? Where are his parents?”
I have a love-hate relationship with cliff-hangers, but you I’m totally going to keep reading this. :)
5/21/2011 c3 17Eponine254
The plot thickens! The suspense here is excellent, although I do think it could be developed a little more. So far we've only had very short bursts of action which end very quickly - the chapters could maybe be a bit longer to accommodate more action. That said, this is, like the previous chapters, really excellently creepy. You write suspense very well. I'm genuinely intrigued to find out what on earth is going on! Good work!
17Eponine254The plot thickens! The suspense here is excellent, although I do think it could be developed a little more. So far we've only had very short bursts of action which end very quickly - the chapters could maybe be a bit longer to accommodate more action. That said, this is, like the previous chapters, really excellently creepy. You write suspense very well. I'm genuinely intrigued to find out what on earth is going on! Good work!
5/21/2011 c2 Eponine254
Wow, this was really scary! You did a great job of conveying the eerie horror of the situation. It's definitely compounded by the fact that Callie doesn't even notice. I could really sense Luke's fear. It's a pity the "horror" moment didn't last longer, but then, it is a short chapter. I love the scurvy joke! My one complaint is that Camael would have to be a very small cat for Luke to feel paws running over his face - it seems more likely that the cat would simply stand on him on its way elsewhere, or prod him in the face to wake him up, or do that thing cats do where they pull at the bedclothes and stab you with their claws. Anyway, this is great! Keep writing!
Wow, this was really scary! You did a great job of conveying the eerie horror of the situation. It's definitely compounded by the fact that Callie doesn't even notice. I could really sense Luke's fear. It's a pity the "horror" moment didn't last longer, but then, it is a short chapter. I love the scurvy joke! My one complaint is that Camael would have to be a very small cat for Luke to feel paws running over his face - it seems more likely that the cat would simply stand on him on its way elsewhere, or prod him in the face to wake him up, or do that thing cats do where they pull at the bedclothes and stab you with their claws. Anyway, this is great! Keep writing!
5/21/2011 c3 Aobh
Okay first, might I say that I am in love with the fact that your protagonist is male. There are too many stories on this site with annoying girls as the main character. Secondly, I'm glad that your character is over the age of sixteen, everyone seems hell-bent on making their characters sixteen to eighteen years of age. Thirdly, your build up is going to make me impload. Hauntingly written and, even though I'm a girl, I can connect to your character, which in itself is a marvel because most 'aspiring author's' these days can't make a reader connect to a brick.
I really like this story. I like how its written and I like Luke. Well done. And by God, keep up the good work. Please.
x Kira
Okay first, might I say that I am in love with the fact that your protagonist is male. There are too many stories on this site with annoying girls as the main character. Secondly, I'm glad that your character is over the age of sixteen, everyone seems hell-bent on making their characters sixteen to eighteen years of age. Thirdly, your build up is going to make me impload. Hauntingly written and, even though I'm a girl, I can connect to your character, which in itself is a marvel because most 'aspiring author's' these days can't make a reader connect to a brick.
I really like this story. I like how its written and I like Luke. Well done. And by God, keep up the good work. Please.
x Kira
5/21/2011 c3 CCKins
This is quite a scary story to me... I was creeped out when that bum dude came back. Even still, I really liked this story! I really like how you are going straight into the action of the story! It makes it much more interesting and more gripping than most!
I also liked the hint of mystery in it. From something so simple as for Luke to buy rotten fruits to something as big as everyone staring at him, his parents missing and the bum dude. Can't wait to read more!
Great story! Keep up the good work!
This is quite a scary story to me... I was creeped out when that bum dude came back. Even still, I really liked this story! I really like how you are going straight into the action of the story! It makes it much more interesting and more gripping than most!
I also liked the hint of mystery in it. From something so simple as for Luke to buy rotten fruits to something as big as everyone staring at him, his parents missing and the bum dude. Can't wait to read more!
Great story! Keep up the good work!
5/20/2011 c2 12Deedee Elle
Great cliffhanger to chapter two. I really like the way the characters discuss the minutiae of the rotten food, they do sound like they're familiar with each other.
12Deedee ElleGreat cliffhanger to chapter two. I really like the way the characters discuss the minutiae of the rotten food, they do sound like they're familiar with each other.
5/20/2011 c1 3ShortcakeMattie
This was well written. I liked all the little details you put in. The one thing that stood out to me was the lack of description about Kyle and Luke. What do they look like?
The characters are strong and believable. Luke's voice really adds to his persona. The bond between the two roommates is enjoyable to read.
The cat part made me laugh. People do some crazy things when they want to impress someone.
3ShortcakeMattieThis was well written. I liked all the little details you put in. The one thing that stood out to me was the lack of description about Kyle and Luke. What do they look like?
The characters are strong and believable. Luke's voice really adds to his persona. The bond between the two roommates is enjoyable to read.
The cat part made me laugh. People do some crazy things when they want to impress someone.
5/20/2011 c1 Rose
This is cute and funny, men will do a lot of things to impress women.
~Rose~ (Roadhouse)
This is cute and funny, men will do a lot of things to impress women.
~Rose~ (Roadhouse)
5/20/2011 c1 wisedec4u
This was really good beginning. You were able to intrigue me with a bit of mistery with the shaggy haired pot head. You also set the mood with the rotten food that there was something darker coming.
Dialogue: You obviously have a knack for writing dialogue. The banter between Luke and his roommate, Kyle, flowed well and sounded realistic. I also thought your mc character's voice was strong and easily expressed his uneasiness at discovering the rotten food.
Characters: I liked your characters so far. My only complaint is that I have no physical description of Luke and Kyle. It think you should figure out a way to add this so the reader can have visual of the mc and his roommate. Let us see Kyle the way Luke sees him. Give us more than just a smile and witty attitude.
Ending: The ending was good, but I thought you could have added just a little more tension with Luke. Possibly he could have thought about the Shaggy Haired Guy right before going to sleep, pondering his encounter with him and if it had anything to do with the rotten food. Your call.
Overall, this a good start and look forward to reading more.
This was really good beginning. You were able to intrigue me with a bit of mistery with the shaggy haired pot head. You also set the mood with the rotten food that there was something darker coming.
Dialogue: You obviously have a knack for writing dialogue. The banter between Luke and his roommate, Kyle, flowed well and sounded realistic. I also thought your mc character's voice was strong and easily expressed his uneasiness at discovering the rotten food.
Characters: I liked your characters so far. My only complaint is that I have no physical description of Luke and Kyle. It think you should figure out a way to add this so the reader can have visual of the mc and his roommate. Let us see Kyle the way Luke sees him. Give us more than just a smile and witty attitude.
Ending: The ending was good, but I thought you could have added just a little more tension with Luke. Possibly he could have thought about the Shaggy Haired Guy right before going to sleep, pondering his encounter with him and if it had anything to do with the rotten food. Your call.
Overall, this a good start and look forward to reading more.