for Running Up That Hill5/19/2011 c1 
5drazer434
~From the Roadhouse
This was a really interesting first chapter. You have a great first sentence that hooks the reader in, and foreshadows what will come. It made me look for weirdness in the story, and when I found it I wanted to read more to see what happened, so the first chapter really caught my attention.
Writing wise it was really excellent. The writing style is easy to read but also well crafted and really suits the story. I really enjoyed reading it, and I think the balance of dialogue and description was just right. The dialogue too seemed really natural.
I think the best part was the characterisation of the main character. Right from the beginning I felt like I was in his head, so to speak, and could empathise with him quite quickly, especially with his frustration with Kyle.
I looked for grammatical or phrasing mistakes and I couldn't find anything, which is excellent, so bravo for that
Hope this helped.
~Drazer
5drazer434~From the Roadhouse
This was a really interesting first chapter. You have a great first sentence that hooks the reader in, and foreshadows what will come. It made me look for weirdness in the story, and when I found it I wanted to read more to see what happened, so the first chapter really caught my attention.
Writing wise it was really excellent. The writing style is easy to read but also well crafted and really suits the story. I really enjoyed reading it, and I think the balance of dialogue and description was just right. The dialogue too seemed really natural.
I think the best part was the characterisation of the main character. Right from the beginning I felt like I was in his head, so to speak, and could empathise with him quite quickly, especially with his frustration with Kyle.
I looked for grammatical or phrasing mistakes and I couldn't find anything, which is excellent, so bravo for that
Hope this helped.
~Drazer
5/19/2011 c2 wisedec4u
I LOVED IT! It grabbed my attention from the very beginning and held me to my screen until the very end. Excellent cliffy at the end making me want to read on. Now I'll have to go back and read the 1st chapter so I know what it is that's freaking Luke out. Creepy indeed!
I thought the dialogue was great between the characters. It sound very realistic and flowed well. The descriptions and action throughout gave it just the right balance.
Now to nickpicky stuff:
...all I could see of her features washer dark brown hair, falling messily everywhere. - everywhere seems to vague a description to me.
Spelling error - realise [realize]
Saying it aloud [delete it] sounded even more ridiculous...
...fully reali[z]ing the embarrassing situation... and ...The situation was dawning on me... - this is pretty much saying the same thing twice and unnecessary.
...no on e came to his rescue [after a few seconds], he gave in.
Almost like something was wiggling around inside my skin, and sliding up and down my back.-I loved this line. I gave me a great visual of what he was feeling. Good job!
Overall, it was a really good chapter and I for one was hooked by the end and eager to read on. Keep up the good work!
I LOVED IT! It grabbed my attention from the very beginning and held me to my screen until the very end. Excellent cliffy at the end making me want to read on. Now I'll have to go back and read the 1st chapter so I know what it is that's freaking Luke out. Creepy indeed!
I thought the dialogue was great between the characters. It sound very realistic and flowed well. The descriptions and action throughout gave it just the right balance.
Now to nickpicky stuff:
...all I could see of her features washer dark brown hair, falling messily everywhere. - everywhere seems to vague a description to me.
Spelling error - realise [realize]
Saying it aloud [delete it] sounded even more ridiculous...
...fully reali[z]ing the embarrassing situation... and ...The situation was dawning on me... - this is pretty much saying the same thing twice and unnecessary.
...no on e came to his rescue [after a few seconds], he gave in.
Almost like something was wiggling around inside my skin, and sliding up and down my back.-I loved this line. I gave me a great visual of what he was feeling. Good job!
Overall, it was a really good chapter and I for one was hooked by the end and eager to read on. Keep up the good work!
5/19/2011 c2 8Kobra Kid
I love how the beginnings of the chapters are so innocent and sweet, and you end them with a supernatural twist to them. The time freezing totally beat magical rotten lettuce by so much. That was really cool, and I liked how you described it :) You really know what's going on in Luke's head, and I can feel his emotions as I'm reading. He's just an average, sorta uptight, easily irritated by genuinely sweet college kid when, all of a sudden, his world is changing. I love stories like that :)
Kyle, once again, is incredibly cute and hilarious. And, by the way, Camel is such a better cat name than Camael. Jus sayin'.
Callie seems to be very cute and kind, but sorta naive at the same time. I'm glad she isn't some whore, haha. I loved how she talks to CAMEL like he's a human - that's almost as cute as Kyle...almost! :P
My only critism is that there isn't any descriptions about the setting, and barely about the character's appearence. I'd suggest to go back through the chapter and sprinkle some setting descriptions. That way, we can get a feel of where the characters are instead of just what the readers think of a Farmers Market.
Update soon!
~Kobra Kid, Roadhouse
P.S. Can you please payback these reviews on my story, Rise From The Ashes? Thanks! :D
P.P.S. I know that it's that the creepy guy is doing it. He's a demon...or a wizard...or something...
8Kobra KidI love how the beginnings of the chapters are so innocent and sweet, and you end them with a supernatural twist to them. The time freezing totally beat magical rotten lettuce by so much. That was really cool, and I liked how you described it :) You really know what's going on in Luke's head, and I can feel his emotions as I'm reading. He's just an average, sorta uptight, easily irritated by genuinely sweet college kid when, all of a sudden, his world is changing. I love stories like that :)
Kyle, once again, is incredibly cute and hilarious. And, by the way, Camel is such a better cat name than Camael. Jus sayin'.
Callie seems to be very cute and kind, but sorta naive at the same time. I'm glad she isn't some whore, haha. I loved how she talks to CAMEL like he's a human - that's almost as cute as Kyle...almost! :P
My only critism is that there isn't any descriptions about the setting, and barely about the character's appearence. I'd suggest to go back through the chapter and sprinkle some setting descriptions. That way, we can get a feel of where the characters are instead of just what the readers think of a Farmers Market.
Update soon!
~Kobra Kid, Roadhouse
P.S. Can you please payback these reviews on my story, Rise From The Ashes? Thanks! :D
P.P.S. I know that it's that the creepy guy is doing it. He's a demon...or a wizard...or something...
5/19/2011 c1 Kobra Kid
A very intriguing beginning :) I really loved how all of the fruit and vegetables turned soggy, black and rotten. That's what really got me hooked! And I think I know who did it...THE POTHEAD! Yes, he must have done it. Maybe he's some sort of demon? Or a shapeshifter? I dunno. You can tell I over supernatural stuff, though ;)
The two roomates bickering was also very entertaining. Kyle is adorable, by the way. I loved how he picked up the cat and was like, "You're gonna get me a date with your mother." That was cute, and so is the cat's name! xD That was epic.
My only criticism is that I got sort of confused where the characters where. I thought they were at Safeway, and then an elevator, and then they were in the dorms and...yeah, I was utterly confused. I'd suggest adding in a lot more description, since most of the chapter was composed of dialogue.
Besides that, I thoroughly enjoyed the intro! It grabbed my attention, and I can't wait to read more (:
~Kobra Kid, Roadhouse
A very intriguing beginning :) I really loved how all of the fruit and vegetables turned soggy, black and rotten. That's what really got me hooked! And I think I know who did it...THE POTHEAD! Yes, he must have done it. Maybe he's some sort of demon? Or a shapeshifter? I dunno. You can tell I over supernatural stuff, though ;)
The two roomates bickering was also very entertaining. Kyle is adorable, by the way. I loved how he picked up the cat and was like, "You're gonna get me a date with your mother." That was cute, and so is the cat's name! xD That was epic.
My only criticism is that I got sort of confused where the characters where. I thought they were at Safeway, and then an elevator, and then they were in the dorms and...yeah, I was utterly confused. I'd suggest adding in a lot more description, since most of the chapter was composed of dialogue.
Besides that, I thoroughly enjoyed the intro! It grabbed my attention, and I can't wait to read more (:
~Kobra Kid, Roadhouse
5/19/2011 c1 17Eponine254
(From the Review Returners forum.)
I really enjoyed this! I thought the tone was appropriate for the age of the characters (and, speaking of which, I like the choice of student-age characters, when most fiction seems to be focused on either teens or older adults). You really created a sense of mystery with the rotten fruit and vegetables, and the guy outside the Safeway was definitely creepy. I look forward to reading more of this! Nice work!
17Eponine254(From the Review Returners forum.)
I really enjoyed this! I thought the tone was appropriate for the age of the characters (and, speaking of which, I like the choice of student-age characters, when most fiction seems to be focused on either teens or older adults). You really created a sense of mystery with the rotten fruit and vegetables, and the guy outside the Safeway was definitely creepy. I look forward to reading more of this! Nice work!
5/18/2011 c1 10Amavi L. Michael
I like this chapter, but there are a few things (good and bad) I would like to point out.
The dialogue itself is very good. I like the characters and I like the craziness of the random 'pot head'. But, with the good, there is bad. I'm not a fan of how your paragraphs are set up visually. Example, it looks like there are a few places where there should be paragraph breaks but there are not (be it at beginning/end of dialogue or there are just two paragraphs that aren't spaced like the rest of them).
The shaggy boy is a little confusing, but he does act as a pretty good hook. I personally don't know how to explain him more, but the transition from crazy guy to walking down the street without any other conflict was pretty strange.
Overall, it was enjoyable. :) I hope you post more than the two chapters you have!
10Amavi L. MichaelI like this chapter, but there are a few things (good and bad) I would like to point out.
The dialogue itself is very good. I like the characters and I like the craziness of the random 'pot head'. But, with the good, there is bad. I'm not a fan of how your paragraphs are set up visually. Example, it looks like there are a few places where there should be paragraph breaks but there are not (be it at beginning/end of dialogue or there are just two paragraphs that aren't spaced like the rest of them).
The shaggy boy is a little confusing, but he does act as a pretty good hook. I personally don't know how to explain him more, but the transition from crazy guy to walking down the street without any other conflict was pretty strange.
Overall, it was enjoyable. :) I hope you post more than the two chapters you have!
5/18/2011 c2 5thefaultinourpatronus
Her face was buried in his fur, so all I could see of her of her features was her dark brown hair, falling messily everywhere.
-'of her' written twice.
I love how they continued talking about the rotten food XD Such a random subject!
Woah, creepy ending. You described his feeling really well, and I could feel myself shuddering with him. Scary stuff! But really well done.
x mandy
5thefaultinourpatronusHer face was buried in his fur, so all I could see of her of her features was her dark brown hair, falling messily everywhere.
-'of her' written twice.
I love how they continued talking about the rotten food XD Such a random subject!
Woah, creepy ending. You described his feeling really well, and I could feel myself shuddering with him. Scary stuff! But really well done.
x mandy
5/18/2011 c1 7LiberryBooked
Ooh, I'm intrigued. I like how you started off the story strong. A reader reading this would definitely be interested in having these questions answered and I think you did well there.
At the same time, I think that there was almost too much going on in this chapter. By the time I had gotten to the end I had almost forgotten about the boy at the beginning because so many new things were introduced in such a short span of time.
Good start though. I'm curious to see what comes next.
7LiberryBookedOoh, I'm intrigued. I like how you started off the story strong. A reader reading this would definitely be interested in having these questions answered and I think you did well there.
At the same time, I think that there was almost too much going on in this chapter. By the time I had gotten to the end I had almost forgotten about the boy at the beginning because so many new things were introduced in such a short span of time.
Good start though. I'm curious to see what comes next.
5/18/2011 c1 Boy at War
The beginning was intruiging I was wondering if you could have drawn out the first sentence a bit more, if you had said "The first thing that happened was at Safeway" it would make it easier for the reader to know something was happening that the speaker already knew the outcome to. At least that's what I'm getting from this, I think if it's present tense it's fine.
The weird things that happened would have been a bit more weird if you had added a bit more build up, or maybe a bit more aftermath. Like if you ad said they're were flies around the bag then at least the reader would have waited a bit longer to find the outcome, and probably made their own speculation.
I hope the weird stuff has a connection to the plot just because otherwise it seems like a little bit of a waste to add except maybe as a clever way to charecterize Kyle.
Overall I like this
The beginning was intruiging I was wondering if you could have drawn out the first sentence a bit more, if you had said "The first thing that happened was at Safeway" it would make it easier for the reader to know something was happening that the speaker already knew the outcome to. At least that's what I'm getting from this, I think if it's present tense it's fine.
The weird things that happened would have been a bit more weird if you had added a bit more build up, or maybe a bit more aftermath. Like if you ad said they're were flies around the bag then at least the reader would have waited a bit longer to find the outcome, and probably made their own speculation.
I hope the weird stuff has a connection to the plot just because otherwise it seems like a little bit of a waste to add except maybe as a clever way to charecterize Kyle.
Overall I like this
5/18/2011 c1 9Sakina the Fallen Angel
Your opening drew me right into your narrative, and raised a lot of mystery for me as a reader as I shared the same reactions as your protagonist in the 'what the hell' department. Took me a while to realise that your protagonist is a dude - there were a few bits at the beginning, such as the phrase 'basic toiletries' and the description of the guy which made me think that your narrator was female. You don't give a lot away in this chapter, which is cool as it raises the intrigue level of your story, and the small odd things that happen to Luke could mean anything. I thought that maybe you could add in a little more description of the surroundings, but other than that this was a neat opening!
~ Sakina x
9Sakina the Fallen AngelYour opening drew me right into your narrative, and raised a lot of mystery for me as a reader as I shared the same reactions as your protagonist in the 'what the hell' department. Took me a while to realise that your protagonist is a dude - there were a few bits at the beginning, such as the phrase 'basic toiletries' and the description of the guy which made me think that your narrator was female. You don't give a lot away in this chapter, which is cool as it raises the intrigue level of your story, and the small odd things that happen to Luke could mean anything. I thought that maybe you could add in a little more description of the surroundings, but other than that this was a neat opening!
~ Sakina x
5/17/2011 c1 5thefaultinourpatronus
I like the tone of the narrator throughout. It's conversational, and slightly sarcastic. Fun to read!
"Eugh, what the Hell man?" he asked.
-Un-capitalize 'hell'.
The dialogue between the strange boy and the narrator. They made me laugh at many scenes XD Interesting ending too, with the food going to the dump. Left me wondering what was next and wanting more!
"Tell me about it. I can smell it from over here. Is this your way of trying to get me to do the grocery shopping for once? Cause if so, you have serious passive aggressive issues. But next time, I'll go.
-Like at this part XD
5thefaultinourpatronusI like the tone of the narrator throughout. It's conversational, and slightly sarcastic. Fun to read!
"Eugh, what the Hell man?" he asked.
-Un-capitalize 'hell'.
The dialogue between the strange boy and the narrator. They made me laugh at many scenes XD Interesting ending too, with the food going to the dump. Left me wondering what was next and wanting more!
"Tell me about it. I can smell it from over here. Is this your way of trying to get me to do the grocery shopping for once? Cause if so, you have serious passive aggressive issues. But next time, I'll go.
-Like at this part XD
5/17/2011 c1 4lookingwest
I first noticed that something weird was going on when I...
-Style: for a first sentence of a story, I would tighten this up so it's less wordy, by your decision, you could take out "that" and change "going on" to "happening", but only if you wanted
He was staring at me, bugged eyes, with his mouth slightly open, saying nothing.
-Style: Here I would suggest either "bug eyed" or "with bugged eyes", either way would work but at the moment it sounds a little awkward
"What are you doing here?" The boy suddenly asked, still staring at me.
-Edit: un-capitalize "The"
"Does Duncan know you're here?" He demanded...
-Edit: un-capitalize "He"
"He belongs to Callie," He said...
-Edit: same as above
"I'd say he's pretty comfortable," He added.
-Edit: same as above
"...if he destroys anything?" I demanded.
-Style: you tend to use this a lot with our narrator, try not to use that speaker tag too close together, though, the narrator has already "demanded" at least three times by now, so I'd suggest just changing this to "said". In fact, it's good to usually always use "said" in dialogue, because words like "demanded" as speaker tags say the obvious, if the character is asking something of the other character, that in itself is "demanding" something of them, so it becomes repetitive in meaning, if that makes any sense. But style suggestions are always up to the individual, and a lot of authors can do things differently too :)
"Monday morning," He promised.
-Edit: un-capitalize "He"
"...yes you are," He cooed.
-Edit: same as above
"I've so been craving this stuff," He informed me.
-Edit: same as above
-Style: another example of where you could replace "informed me" with "said" because by stating the informational dialogue out loud, he's already informed us
"Eugh, what the Hell man?" He asked.
-Edit: un-capitalize "He"
Not sure if we got if our narrator was a man or a woman in this, but it's highly possible I missed it, maybe making it more pronounced would be good, like having Kyle say, "Hey, [character's name]!" or something like that...again though, I may have missed it, in which case I apologize!
Annnyway, getting to the good stuff, I really liked this start! The very first paragraph has me interested in what's going on with that boy, and I like the odd ending there with the food getting mushed, that was surprising, I've never seen a story go int this direction so I liked the opening because it was unique for a first chapter, it really has me wanting more. I also thought you did good with the dialogue itself, despite some of the edit tags, but it all sounded natural and quite relatable with our narrator and everything. I personally would have been more angry about the food-perhaps it'll make a fun next chapter if the narrator returns to Safeway to demand a refund and Mr. Creeper Boy is there, XD. But beyond that, I really don't think I can predict where this is going and I really like that, keeps me interested! Thanks for the read!
4lookingwestI first noticed that something weird was going on when I...
-Style: for a first sentence of a story, I would tighten this up so it's less wordy, by your decision, you could take out "that" and change "going on" to "happening", but only if you wanted
He was staring at me, bugged eyes, with his mouth slightly open, saying nothing.
-Style: Here I would suggest either "bug eyed" or "with bugged eyes", either way would work but at the moment it sounds a little awkward
"What are you doing here?" The boy suddenly asked, still staring at me.
-Edit: un-capitalize "The"
"Does Duncan know you're here?" He demanded...
-Edit: un-capitalize "He"
"He belongs to Callie," He said...
-Edit: same as above
"I'd say he's pretty comfortable," He added.
-Edit: same as above
"...if he destroys anything?" I demanded.
-Style: you tend to use this a lot with our narrator, try not to use that speaker tag too close together, though, the narrator has already "demanded" at least three times by now, so I'd suggest just changing this to "said". In fact, it's good to usually always use "said" in dialogue, because words like "demanded" as speaker tags say the obvious, if the character is asking something of the other character, that in itself is "demanding" something of them, so it becomes repetitive in meaning, if that makes any sense. But style suggestions are always up to the individual, and a lot of authors can do things differently too :)
"Monday morning," He promised.
-Edit: un-capitalize "He"
"...yes you are," He cooed.
-Edit: same as above
"I've so been craving this stuff," He informed me.
-Edit: same as above
-Style: another example of where you could replace "informed me" with "said" because by stating the informational dialogue out loud, he's already informed us
"Eugh, what the Hell man?" He asked.
-Edit: un-capitalize "He"
Not sure if we got if our narrator was a man or a woman in this, but it's highly possible I missed it, maybe making it more pronounced would be good, like having Kyle say, "Hey, [character's name]!" or something like that...again though, I may have missed it, in which case I apologize!
Annnyway, getting to the good stuff, I really liked this start! The very first paragraph has me interested in what's going on with that boy, and I like the odd ending there with the food getting mushed, that was surprising, I've never seen a story go int this direction so I liked the opening because it was unique for a first chapter, it really has me wanting more. I also thought you did good with the dialogue itself, despite some of the edit tags, but it all sounded natural and quite relatable with our narrator and everything. I personally would have been more angry about the food-perhaps it'll make a fun next chapter if the narrator returns to Safeway to demand a refund and Mr. Creeper Boy is there, XD. But beyond that, I really don't think I can predict where this is going and I really like that, keeps me interested! Thanks for the read!
5/17/2011 c1 2Cryptic Sam
I really like it so far! Its written well and there's a great flow! Update soon! :)
2Cryptic SamI really like it so far! Its written well and there's a great flow! Update soon! :)