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5/28/2011 c1 16non.graceful
Imagine how excited I was when I noticed the notification in my inbox!



I like the thought and idea surrounding this. I like how you introduced all the characters and the not-so-much relationship between Alex and Steph. That was good.

However, the wording seemed off. It wasn't like your other oneshot 'blackWater falls'

I was actually hoping it was like that.

Okay so I'll explain my problem on it and hopefully youll fix it so you can have a great one shot!

The words don't suck you in- that thing all readers want to do when reading. In a way the words are missing something to make them have that amazing story you know you want!

I'm no expert so dont take anything I say to heart.

You're a talented writer my dear and you must show and prove it to everyone when they're reading this!

Make the paragraphs end with a flourish- don't make them sound so casual; I assume that this was the main problem.


So like I said!

Thank goodness you've actually uploaded something!


Here's hoping you'll blow my mind next time you upload something!

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