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for Summer Storm

6/11/2011 c1 99Dreamers-Requiem
A really good short story. The emotions were conveyed really well through the atmosphere and description, and I like the overall style of this. Poor Jessie; I really felt sorry for the guy. The description of the Gas and Grill, with the sign contrasting with the emptiness of everything else, was perhaps my favourtie bit. It really stood out to me, especially the use of neon and the friendliness of the signs.

[It was the kind of love that usually existed in old standards of the kind Frank Sinatra and Ella Fitzgerald used to sing, ]

Loved the line.

Yeah, great piece. Nothing to critique from me :)

-from The Roadhouse
5/30/2011 c1 3thenutrunningthenuthouse

First off, let me comment on how well you set a tone for this story. With the descriptions of the rain and the neon signs and everything, I really felt this sense of loneliness yet accompanied by an odd sense of quiet peace. Everything was described well, and I liked the sign touch. It just really set a nice scene for everything, gave the reader a nice view of the city Jessie finds himself in.

You did a great job of showing and not telling. We got to see Jessie's financial situation and why he's in Oregon in only a few short scenes, scenes that were written rather well. The motel was a nice touch as well, just a good starter for Jessie's journey.

Let's see...what else? I really liked that last line about the rain, music, and dark. It just left me with a good feeling at the end, like a peaceful closing to a quiet night. Sure, it wasn't a happy night, but it was uneventful. Overall, great job with your introductory chapter.

If you could, please return this review to my story The Second Life of The Murder. Thanks a bunch in advance

~ nutrunningthenuthouse, Roadhouse
5/29/2011 c1 34DanielStalwart
no one should be deprived of the things they love it is so sad indeed. Everything, the mood, the personality the characters fit into this piece in harmony. lovely descriptions especially for the part where you described Jess's love to Becks. This is so philosophical! My descriptive style could never be at this level so I salute you!

however (uh oh) with such a lovely and beautiful second part for this story, the front for me just becomes too watery(sorry). Since I'm pretty sure that the important part would be the second part, focus more on that part and cut down on the front parts. Don't get me wrong the front part is well written as well, descriptive wise and dialogue wise. In fact I love it to bits! but you have to focus on the crucial part of your story. I also understand that you have to write it according to the lyrics to your song. maybe this is one disadvantage if you use lyrics as your driving force, it restrics you to only the mood and feel of the lyric itself. The last part of the story impacts the most, so use that as you driving force of the story and turn the first part into the minority.
5/29/2011 c1 3Rosemarysgraden001
Charlie! Thanks for dedicating to me, so sad though.

It was a typical song fic, i really wantd to meet becky, haha i would. It was good description and pov.

So nice job.


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