Just In
for I Don't Love You Anymore

9/10/2017 c1 52godsandstars
What I found most interesting about this piece was that however short it was, it still articulates that extremely real and raw feeling of not wanting to be with someone anymore, but being unable to let go of them at the same time. Perhaps what you were actually struggling with was the metaphor altogether; the idea of letting go of someone that has been a source of comfort to you *does* rather feel like ripping out something vital, however, there are definitely more creative ways to express a similar thought.

What comes to mind, for me, is something that may be more on the morbid side - tearing skin from bone, cracking open ribs and putting a still-beating heart into your lover's hands. I have always been on the darker side of things, I think.

A very good start to such a simple yet complex thing we all feel at one point or another. :)
2/28/2017 c1 287Archia
The last two lines might be a little cliched but they work really well so I don't think it's an issue. It emphasises the impact that it has on them and how it really affects them deeply. I liked that in this short poem it really does have a lot of impact in its words.
1/18/2014 c1 4I. C. Kyeropas
I would like to reiterate what everybody else says about the impact offered by the poem's brevity. Maybe you could mention your efforts at breath despite the obvious reality that you can't. (I breath in, but the air never comes, for example. A bad example, but you get the idea.)
8/29/2012 c1 14RinaJewelz
I liked it, last two lines didn't even feel majorly cliched because of how well it flowed from the line before. I liked the length, the shortness made it more dramatic and the lines more impactful. I didn't really like the image of the words shooting the speaker as I think a metaphor like that should be developed rather than just thrown in casually. Good job though
8/14/2012 c1 1Loraine Wentworth
I enjoyed reading this. I have to say I don't know much about poetry and can feel a bit intimidated by it, which puts me off finding more about it. In this case however I felt drawn in by the language and not at all put off.

I really like how the poem brings to life feelings and memories of getting shocking news or information. Being unable to breathe and immobilized very suddenly- that's exactly how it is! I like it when writing mirrors very real situations.

I also liked the way this sense of sudden breathlessness was constructed. The short, sharp words helped to evoke this as well as the imagery of 'ripping my lungs' etc.
8/9/2012 c1 14AnonymousLily
Those first four lines work well- the "shoot" like a metaphor for a bullet- but not so heavy handed as directly writing it. The "immobilizing me" calls to mind that nightmare sense of shock- lovely! I didn't like the lungs line so much- what exactly is ripping the lungs? The words? The emotion? I have slasher movies intrude in my head at that line. I didn't find the last two lines cliched- lol- which probably is a bad sign for my writing! I would delete the words in bold- the reader will know what the 5 simple words are from the title. I'd also change the period after "me" to a comma. Maybe "ripping the air from my body?" That would retain the sense of meaning and maybe follow through with the shooting metaphor?
8/1/2012 c1 2dragonflydreamer
RM prize review!

I like the image of ripping out someone's lungs. I'm used to seeing images like having the wind knocked out or feeling like your chest is closing in, but the lungs themselves being ripped out is more graphic and holds a stronger emotion.

I agree that the ending is a little weak. I think why it bothers me is that the poem is about the moment of hearing those words, while "without you" projects into the future and takes me out of the moment. I think this would be stronger with more direct clarification of air rather than lungs, if that makes sense? Like I feel that more of a physical description of that empty feeling would punch the emotions.
6/10/2012 c1 28a-perpetual-hiraeth
I really like the feeling of force that this poem conveys. It's got energy. The last two lines, though they may be on the cliche side, are passionate. And let's be honest, who hasn't felt at some point in time that they couldn't breathe without someone? Love is, after all, irrational.

I agree with lookingwest that the second use of the word "body" is jarring, and that "chest" would be a better choice.

All in all, though, I really like this poem. Good job.
4/26/2012 c1 95XxXKristie MarieXxX
The ending is unlike you. I thought it would go on a little further but i really do like this :) I and i'm sure others can relate.

P.S. Sorry its been awhile since i've reviewed your work. Always have been a big fan :)

XxXKristie MarieXxX
4/6/2012 c1 76The Autumn Queen
Is the title separate or a part of the poem? With a simple break as opposed to a paragraph, and yet the sentence is bolded above the rest, it's hard to tell which you meant.

I think you shouldn't use "my body" twice. It reads a little odd. Chest maybe? More specific, and as you're talking about love, perhaps more fitting as well. I'm rather happy there's no heart in here though. That's one commonly used cliche, although admittedly I'm guilty of that too.

The lines "immobilizing me./ Ripping my lungs from my body,/ I am unable to breathe..." Reads rather oddly. I think it would work better as "immobilizing me,/ ripping my lungs from my body./ I am unable to breathe..." Unless you reword the clause "Ripping my lungs from my body".

I think your right. Those last two lines dim in comparison to your beginning, which if I may say, was rather stirring. I love the simple words part especially. Lungs...pressure maybe? Or if they're torn away, then the blackness of mind and yellow spots in vision when one is starved for air? Drowning? Or since they're ripped away, emptiness? As they're vital for survival, I suppose you could also manage some sort of metaphor drawing in the concept or air, or perhaps water as well. That's just what comes to minds at the moment. Now you've gotten me stuck on that thought.
8/2/2011 c1 too.much.of.water
Ok, there were things I loved and sort of didn't about this. The first thing I wasn't big on was your style. I don't know, but I feel like if you're going to write poetry, try to find some kind of meter or rhythm rather than having it simply free-flowing. On the other hand, you should probably take the aforementioned comment with a pinch of salt because while I don't enjoy it, a lot of others do, so whatever works for you. What I did like was, well, everything else. The beauty and simplicity, the way you managed to convey such emotion in such a short passage. While not my style, I can appreciate the beauty and sentiment behind your words so good job :)
6/4/2011 c1 recycle rhymes
yeah last two lines definitely need some work. I felt like you could have pushed the metaphor further, the ending seemed unsettled. I really like how it started, maybe try adding more lines to it, until you get it to the right place.

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