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for The Confessions of Cassidy Cain (Grandmaster of Theft 1)

1/14/2015 c8 hamsterolive
This was actually really sad. :(

1. I really like him, for some odd reason. This could be because Cass is so fond of him, and is so (I feel like devastated isn't the right word) devastated by how he acts towards her...I know he's a good guy in a position that isn't quite suited for him.

2. A part of me feels like it wouldn't have worked in the real world, under the rule of a princess. But people do things all the time to save something of value. And I feel like if anybody was that type of person, it would be Gale in this particular case.

3. Cass. No question.

4. I do. There are some things I still don't quite understand...the religion, and bits of how the government works. But overall I have enough information to satisfy my curiosity. Mostly I'm concerned with your characters, and that's the point.

5. It's over? But...but...why? :,(

I can't wait to see how this all turns out. Maybe one of my predictions will finally be right, somewhere. :D

1/14/2015 c7 hamsterolive
Oh. Crap. D:

How did he know what car Cass would be in? Why didn't she just stay in the stupid TRAIN, change in some arbitrary passenger car, and go then? GAH. NO.

It's okay. She'll get out of it. Otherwise this story would be a whole lot shorter, I think.

Moving on to your questions, as is my newly-adopted custom.

1. Cass is just a regular old human lie detector, isn't she? And someone with an incredibly high IQ (of course, that goes without saying). Sometimes I think pinning her up against Narcissa isn't even fair. Big mouth doesn't stand a chance against Cass.

2. I still hate her. But I do admittedly hate her slightly less. (Note that I didn't hit the Caps Lock at all. Personal growth.)

3. Well...Gale. Hmm. He doesn't sound like the late night partier type. :P But really. He's not a happy person, and not in the charming way, like his sister is.

...Do you really want another of MY predictions? Well, okay. But I would like to remind you that you asked. So, without further ado: Gale is in league with Deus. And...Deus is actually Rae. *Dun dun dun.* That way we get some good, old fashioned betrayal going on in there.

Blammo. Hollywood blockbuster.

Haha, for real though. This chapter was an easy read in spite of the fact that Narcissa played a large role. :P

Please tell me this will be longer than ten chapters (because now I'm worried that maybe Cass DOES get caught and OMG WHAT AM I GOING TO DO),

1/13/2015 c2 13360pages
Cassidy's explanation on thievery and crime in general reminds me of quite a few series that explain in depth their mechanics. Such as a cooking or sport series. I know this is very different, but I can't help but think of those.

Though I should point out that I do think it's obvious that thieves shouldn't be caught. After all no crime doer goes into the crime thinking they are going to be caught, it should go a little without saying..

I actually enjoy Narcissa so far, I enjoy characters that think highly of themselves, and have a very in your face personality in a more comedic way. She might shift later on, but maybe she will play the detective role similar to the detective from Lupin the third?
1/11/2015 c6 hamsterolive
Again, I'm only going to answer your questions. Sorry about that...now I'm confused and it's best if I limit the amount of words I use, lest they come out like this: "blerrrmhrrg. Mlomfflee? Wymmrjjks! WHAT?"

One thing at a time.

1. This is why I'm confused. Who the **** is this middle man/puppetmaster? And why is he doing this to me? I thought I had finally wrapped my mind around this.

2. It makes more sense. For the whole obnoxiousness of the charade, anyway. But still. Deus? I doubt I will like him much more than Narcissa, if he employed HER as his choice messenger. :/

3. YES

4. Yes, and the whole time she was talking about meeting Narcissa, I was just as wary as she was.

5. Deus will actually end up being a giant plan set up by the government in order to take the Grandmaster into custody (Operation: Dead End, Usurpers of the System), and Cass will string Narcissa up by her toes over a cliff's ledge, and Rae will take over the world? But only because Cass likes to be in the background, given the nature of her work.

It's too much to hope for, isn't it? :P

(I'm not being serious of course...but in truth, I really am very bad at predictions...)


6. Question: Will Narcissa still have to pay one million crowns?
Question: Who is Deus?
Question: Code? What? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?
Statement: The frames concept was pretty cool. I'm a sucker for psychology. :D

...and I had another question, but I forgot it. Must not have been that important. (Then again, neither were the others... XD)

1/11/2015 c5 hamsterolive
I think this time I am just going to respond to your questions. I am too...growly to do much else.


2. No, but only because I hatehatehate Narcissa. Cass was quick on her feet and I liked how calm she was with her responses. (I did think that Narcissa claiming that Cass was the Grandmaster was a bit of a stretch, but I get it because she's a paranoid, self-absorbed freak.) "I'll concede this plan foolproof if even YOU can triumph." XDDDDDD

3. I thought this was odd at first - it seems like Cass might be getting cocky, at least in front of the crowd - and I don't understand why she did it, why she even showed herself at all when it would conceivably be easier to lie low and just steal the train that way, but it's Cass. I trust her judgment. ;D

4. I rather enjoy the planning stages. If I ever need to know how to steal a train, you can guess where I'll do my research. :P However, in Narcissa's case, I'd almost prefer straightforward violence...grr.

5. Please tell me there will be some damage done to Narcissa. Soon. Preferably it will be an injury that renders her incapable of speech. Broken jaw. Brain injury. I'm not picky.

Nicely done as always; you still managed to make me laugh even though I'm cracking pencils in half whenever Narcissa (the REMARKABLE MADAME RRRRRRICHMOND) speaks.

Will try to read more by this next weekend. :)

1/11/2015 c1 360pages
It's really rare that I find a story I can't see anything wrong with at the moment. All the grammar is fine and you introduce your world rather naturally rather than dumping a large sum of exposition. Casidy is an interesting character, though I wouldn't mind some more flaws for her character overall, I like that she is in control, but I wouldn't mind more situations that she is placed in to be out of said control. (Though this is only the first chapter)

I am never a big fan of switching perspectives mid story, I think committing to one is the best, with that said I enjoy both views, even if I think third is more simple to switch perspectives with.

As for the stealing question, hmm, it really depends on the situation. Though as long as someone got their stuff through legal means even if they are jerks, they deserve their belongings.
1/9/2015 c10 1Storyus Raccoonus
Does he Deus remind anyone else of the Joker so far?
1/8/2015 c10 20Ventracere
First off, this is not the way I expected Deus to act at all. He's an interesting character for sure, but there's just something about him that rubs me the wrong way - not because of your writing, that's for sure - and what I'm not exactly sure. Maybe it's his more dramatic behavior? I honestly don't know.

Hahahaha - yolo. Enough said.

Nice job with characterizing Cass' anger. Again, I'm kind of pleased that Narcissa acted differently than Cass planned. It gives us another look at how Cass can't account for everything. That sounds kind of terrible, but I'm more or less interested to see how she'd take this in stride. She did well with Gale (Gabe? Rae's brother? Sorry if I got the name wrong), so it's going to be a new way to see how she can handle this.

So a few suggestions, but overall pretty straightforward chapter.
Again, I feel like you're toeing the line between real and not? That's not the right way to put it. Considering there is more of a fantastical element to it, with swords and the more fictional feel to some of these, the line is a little more blurred. This plays especially with the interactions between Cass and Deus. Again, your antagonist is more of an over-the-top dramatic characterization, which isn't a bad thing, especially since we've seen that in Narcissa (good to see her back again. Still as annoying as ever, but hey. That's the way she rolls). Mainly this has to do with my aversion to Caps, but I felt like Cass was a little too dramatic? Which, again, has to deal with more personal style than writing. In terms of writing, you're solid, Cass is good, Deus is fine. Though really, that was a short freak out, then she got back to her old self? So, eh. Good for her.

There were points where I got lost with who was saying what - which has to deal with how my focus is bouncing off the walls right now - but character tags wouldn't hurt. you already do a good job with varying your verbs, so I think other than that, you're set!

1/5/2015 c9 Ventracere
To be honest, these chapters/interludes I've always liked because it allows us to step back and see into someone else's head for a while. Refreshing, actually. That said, when it comes to Cass' attitude, I'm not too big a fan of it. She's so much more aloof here when she's addressing Gerard. She is the Grandmaster, which does put her above other people, she is the heiress to the Cain fortune, but i don't know, it rubs me the wrong way at points. That said, that's probably your intention hahah, so in that case. Kudos.

My tick with this chapter - I'm nitpicking, so feel free to ignore - It sometimes gets hard to follow who's talking. Perhaps put in a few more attribution tags?
Gerard's a character I don't have too much a feel on since he's seen so little. But! So far so good for him. he's trying, and he certainly does make Cass argue for her positions.
On the terms of pure dialogue, it does highlight the scene as mainly an argument; however, I think it would be beneficial to put in a few more descriptors to help break some parts up so the argument can sink in a little more for your readers.
1/5/2015 c8 Ventracere
"I flicked a card I palmed at his forehead" - this sounds a little funny. perhaps you're missing a word/punctuation here?

This scene here felt a little surreal. I know this is meant to be more crime/adventure, but I feel like there are some fantastical elements worked in here - that's not a bad thing. In fact it puts a little more color into the scene. That said, I feel like Gale was a little too unsuspecting - this is the Grandmaster theft? Shouldn't he have expected more? Nice card trick here though :)

On Gabe though, he's so... stiff? I understand that's from his position, but he's different from his sister that's for sure. Kind of interested in how this is going to take shape later. Part one I feel like is building into what might happen later. I've got a good foundation of what it's going to build up into. You've got a good grasp on world building, that's for sure :)
1/5/2015 c7 Ventracere
I'm going to sound like a broken record on a radio, but I'm liking this chapter because it was easy to get through. That said. I'm going to hop around in this chapter. I'm actually kind of glad Cass was blindsided/didn't plan for this situation, which goes to say that it's impossible to plan for everything. Honestly, I'm hoping that Rae was in on the situation the whole time - which technically isn't possible considering she doesn't know that Cass was the Grand master in the first place. so. That pretty much goes out the window.

Narcissa, still don't like her. She's definitely more manageable now that she's out of public view. It's kind of refreshing to get this kind of view of her. Like I said before, gives her a sense of depth that she couldn't have achieved if we just saw her in the public eye. I'm kind of iffy on how fast she acquiesces with Cass, but Cass has the fear factor (haha) in place, I guess. I do like how easy it is to see that you've done considerable research on this topic. Doesn't seem like a lot of handwaving :D
1/5/2015 c6 Ventracere
Well. this chapter was something I certainly didn't expect. After all of the fuss that Narcissa put up with Cass in the previous chapter this seems a little /too/ easy. But I guess that answers the whole grand scheme of things about Narcissa. Anyhow.
I definitely liked how Cass was immediately skeptical that Narcissa was playing her. That was a quick flip switch, even for Narcissa. On Narcissa, she seems a lot more "real" in this chapter, a lot less over the top. Which I feel like it doesn't really fit, but kind of does? Maybe it's because she is out of the spotlight, so now she isn't as attention grabbing. Yeah. Let's go with that.
And to answer your questions:
3. Yes. Why is he the one controlling everthing? Good to know that Cass has someone who can rival her planning (so it seems).
4. Yes. Much easier to do when it's broken up a little more like this chapter. yay!
5. To be honest, I'm curious as where this is going to go. My guess is that she's not going to be able to decipher what Deus has put on there, and if she does, it's going to lead her somewhere else and bring on more people to help her track down what Deus' plan is.
6. Yes, now especially because we learn from you spacing out the information a little bit more so it's not just one piece of info one after another.

Good job!
1/5/2015 c5 Ventracere
Hi hi! Okay, I know I said I would put this as an anonymous review, but I thought I would combine the two of them together - makes our lives easier. Anyhow. About the chapter that you rewrote:

Much, much stronger. It was easier to get through, the pacing was faster. When it came to the dialogue between Cass and the man, we really got to see some of the extent of her skills. The amount of introspection you had going on in your chapter went down, which helped speed everything up. It was a good balance between what she was thinking in her head and what she was actually doing. You showed us a little more and told us a little less :DD

Anyhow, onto this chapter:
I'm going to base my responses off of Narcissa. For one. She does make one annoying antagonist - in the sense I'm pretty glad that she's going to be the mark. Can't stand her. Anyhow. i was going to say that she was over-the-top, but I guess that's what you were aiming for. The way she talks grates on my nerves, so whatever happens to her, kudos Grandmaster. That said, this chapter is also well done in the sense that you've got your dialogue bolstering your characters' actions. It's no longer heavy introspection and telling us what is going on. That makes me incredibly happy (pace goes faster, makes it so much easier to read, etc...). Back to the confrontation between Narcissa and Cass. I'd be careful of how "over the top" you're making her. You're treading a fine line between humorous and annoying vs. real. You've got the humorous and annoying down pat, wouldn't change a thing, but as a suggestion (don't do this if you don't agree), I think you should have Narcissa do something that makes her seem more "real". For one, it'd make her more bearable (probably not), and give her more depth to her character (even if she isn't in the grand scheme of things. I'm assuming there will be more marks...)

good job :)
1/5/2015 c4 hamsterolive
It definitely did remind me that there was a bigger thing happening. I had actually forgotten all about Gerard... :/ Whoops. So this was a really good call.

As to my reaction...I kept second-guessing myself, trying to remember if it had been third person all along and turned it into first in my brain (I do that a lot, surprisingly). But I think it was necessary. However, I think it should be more focused on Gerard, if you're going to do an out-of-body thing. It still seems to center on Cass, which is a little bit confusing. I'm not sure why.

Actually, just forget about that. I don't know what I'm talking about, as per usual. 9_9


P.S. I actually like when chapters are short, so the length of this didn't bother me at all. I feel like it tends to add to suspense, if you know where to cut it off. (Which, btw, you obviously do.) :P
1/5/2015 c3 Hamsterolive
But of course I can leave a review! I will find a way. :D

Annnyyyywaaaayyyy...pushing forwards.

So I have a two questions based off of the first paragraph: first, did Casssidy rent a room at the train station, or somewhere nearby? It isn't specific, and I never knew that you could do that at a station. I'm just trying to get a full picture down, and it is just a little confusing.

Second (it will probably be answered in the next few sentences, but...oh well. :D), what are the cards for? I mean, I know they're to throw, but is it for a distraction?

Ooh, no wait. Is it to throw DIRECTLY at Narcissa? XD That'd be great.

This was a good line: "The weakest link in any system will be the human element." I'm constantly reminded that Cassidy is as young as she is. And that is only reinforced by the next few paragraphs, when she gets information about the conductor and the station.

It is very possible that I am reading this wrong: "Had there been anyone, they would have stood out on account of to how devoid of life the neighborhood was." However, I would get rid of the "to" in "account of to how..." to make it flow just a little better. On that note, "to infiltrate to exit his home"...perhaps it should be just "to exit his home"?

Oh, the bump key is pretty bad $$. Would it damage the door in any way, considering it jammed things in place? Probably not, considering Cass wouldn't like to leave a trace at all, but still.

I guess that's kind of an "off topic" question. But since I'm already off topic, I might as well add: I think Cass is a lot like Bruce Wayne. Except she doesn't beat people up (yet. Still hoping for that Narcissa throwdown).

Mr. Perkins is a very stupid man, I think. "Don't test my patience." Yeah. Mine either.

Haha, Cass. "I can do whatever I please."

"Last I checked, being a criminal makes you a bad guy." XDDDDD

Another side question: is it common knowledge that the Grandmaster is feminine? Because Becca and Rae are referring to the person in that position as a "her." I would think that nobody knows, since Cass disguised her voice on the phone with Mr. Perkins, and if that's the case, wouldn't it be assumed as a male role? Thieves are generally perceived as males, and I was just a little surprised that Cass's friends have such a different mindset.

"...conducted our days as if it were any other." I'm not sure what this is called...something about singular noun matching or something - this is why I hate English as a school subject - but perhaps it should read more like "conducted our day as if it were any other" or "conducted our days as if they were like any others".

Last line. Very nice. "It did not."

Alright. On to the author's note. :)

1. I still think it's brilliant.

2. Both of Cass's friends are gems, in my opinion. Each in their own different ways. Becca is very bubbly and *almost* kind of ditzy. Normally I detest characters like that, but she pulls it off because she has a little bit of snark. :D

3. Rae, on the other hand, is fierce and negative. I can more easily see her as being a friend of Cass, but I think that goes without saying...?

4. I'm actually hoping for a bit more background on this, at some point. How they all met, or at least what THEIR first impressions on each other had been. They're so strikingly different.

5. I believe I've stated how I feel about Narcissa. I'll repeat every time you ask though. I HATE HER.

I think I will go on to read chapter four, but this time I'll sign in to do it. :P

Exceptionally done, this.

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