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for The Confessions of Cassidy Cain (Grandmaster of Theft 1)

1/4/2015 c3 hamsterolive
Okay, sorry I took so long to review. But...erm...is this an actual chapter?

It's definitely a clever interjection. XD

I'm not sure if I should wait to read the next one, since this chapter is supposedly going to be returned soon?

Tomorrow I'll check back. :P

-hamsterolive
12/28/2014 c4 20Ventracere
In response to your framing, jumping from 1st person to 3rd person POV is actually easier to get past than from 3rd to 1st. I'm more aware that you might jump between POVs now, so it's less jarring than the first time you hop through.

I do like how this is an interlude. Great way to remind us of the subplot (or plot, depending how you look at it) that's surrounding Cassidy's life.

I'm not going to lie, I like when you write in 3rd person better. There's less introspection, and it's a lot easier to read. Your style is mainly the same, with plenty of description surrounding Cass, but there's more going on. It's not longer just focused on Cas and what's going on in her head. This makes everything a faster pace and in my opinion, easier to get through.

Nice job :)
12/28/2014 c3 Ventracere
One thing I found in the opening of this chapter was how clinical everything is. We get to see how and what she wants to bring with her, but at the same time, this slows down the pace of the story dramatically. Cass has a strong voice in this chapter, without a doubt, but even with that, the process is a little slow up there. We'll see if it speeds up later in the chapter.
Another thing I realized is how much telling you're doing in this section. It's not a bad thing - it honestly makes me want to know how you're going to describe that scene there. I like how you're doing all this set up, though. Even if it is slow when it comes to pace, I can see how you're building up the tension for the train heist.
When it comes to Rebecca and Rae, not going to lie, my first thoughts were how close their names are together. I like how you take the time to describe their attributes and their desires, but again, this slows everything down. Perhaps here, it would be better to show us just what makes Rebecca such a great illusionist rather than telling us. Another way you can do this is by dividing up the descriptions instead of handing it all to us in one go.
All in all, I have to say this was a good chapter when it comes to setting up the heist. We have a pretty clear idea of how Cass wants to get to it. I'm rather interested in whether or not it's going to go according to plan. She's certainly got her thoughts down and her reasons. When it comes to Rae and Becca, I'm not too sure I have a good read on them. To me, they're just two other pawns in the chessboard Cass is playing. As a reader, I feel like we still don't know enough about them.

Just a few suggestions:
Perhaps lighten up on some introspection. Let your characters act as they will. By spreading out the dialogue a little more we get to see more depth from all your characters. From Rae and Becca's interaction with Cass, we'll be able to see not on their growth, but Cass' as well. Right now, I feel like it's slightly stagnant.

All in all, good work!
12/28/2014 c2 Ventracere
Review return!
I was thrown off in the beginning. It feels like there wasn't really a connection between the first chapter and this one, at least when you lead into it. You also switch from 3rd POV to 1st POV from the previous to this chapter. That was a little jolting, but it's easy enough to get past.

"Something which should go without saying yet sadly must be said since many do not consider it is that heists and cons are about more than simply taking or tricking something from someone." - This. Is one realllly long sentence. It's a little wordy and long winded, maybe cut it down a little bit?

I think you do a great job with presenting the points of how Cas is going to get into Narcissa's house. It's clever and well thought out. Another thing I couldn't help but smile at was the pun (totally intended) that you put in there. Nice. To asnwer your questions, I think Wynn's an interesting character. He's not afraid to point out the holes in Cass' plans and he's generally concerned about her well-being. Hopefully we'll get to see how it evolves later on.

Nice going!
12/28/2014 c2 hamsterolive
Sorry. I'm not even going to read past the first entrance of the Richmond lady before I tell you how much I hate her. For the love of everything good in this world, I hope Cassidy finds some way to kill her. Or something. ANYTHING. Ugh.

I got a little farther before this question: why would Madame Richmond post a challenge to the Grandmaster...ONLINE? How does she not get arrested by the authorities? Ooh, is she a snitch? A really annoying snitch?

Perhaps I should read a little more. I'm getting ahead of myself. :P

Minor thing I caught: "when you conscious of what to look for" should maybe be "when you're conscious of what to look for"? I may be reading it wrong, of course. I do that ALL the time. It's embarrassing, really.

This part is awesome: "If a thief - or really, any criminal - cannot commit the crime in a way which ensures that they can elude capture, they shouldn't do it to begin with." Thievery 101. Especially paired with the "that's borrowing, at best" line...it made me laugh. XD I like the very dry sense of humor that Cassidy has.

Haha, Wynn. "You ARE admitting that this is stupid, right?"

"Back on track" XDDDDD Seriously, Cass?

I don't blame her. Not saying it seems like an opportunity missed.

Okay, so I'm pretty sure that I answered most of the questions from the commentary, but just in case:

1. Narcissa's maneuvering still seems odd to me. I know Cass says it's clever, and I'm inclined to believe her because she's so damn methodical, but it doesn't make sense to me just for the simple fact that the authorities cannot ignore something like that. Especially when Narcissa claims to have something that valuable...why not just arrest her when she shows up at the train station?

2. Cassidy is extremely thorough. Sometimes I think it's a little too wordy for my taste, but it's necessary. Otherwise, how else would you explain stealing a train? :P

3. Just because of the back on track joke, I think it's pretty great. :D But for real. It's a phenomenal backup. How did you even come UP with that?

4. I HATE HER

5. Mostly, I love Wynn. At some points, though, I feel he acts as a teller, not so much a shower, if that makes sense. He's the "questioning" character. I'd almost prefer that Cassidy explains the plot entirely in her mind, and he's only used to emphasize the absurdness/genius of it. It seems more within her character to give him the bare minimum and give him just enough information to make him come to the same conclusion that he did: this plot is basically a suicide mission. (So she can later prove him wrong.)

I hope that wasn't too rambly.

Anyway, I would have liked this chapter way more than the first one if Narcissa wasn't in play. Have I said I hate her enough? Because I do. I really, really do. Ugh.

She dies, right? Please? Maybe she gets hit by the train that Cassidy steals?

Very well done on your characters. You have a very broad range of talents in that respect. I don't think I even hated Voldemort as much as I hate Narcissa. That's pretty difficult to accomplish.

Great job, as always. :)

-hamsterolive
12/26/2014 c1 3handna95
Wow. You did an amazing job with this prologue. It drew me in, it told me the plot, and it created a few great characters to tell your story with. I think Cassidy Cain is very crafted in front of other people, and she knows exactly what image she wants other people to see. I definitely want to keep reading about her, one to get to know her better, but also because I want to know what personality she's keeping hidden. Gerard seems pretty casual for a spiritual man. Granted not every spiritual man must be uptight and otherworldly, but I was surprised at how conversational he was. Adora's Tear wasn't something I became very attached to, but it worked very well as a framing device. It was a nice lead in to your actual story. I don't think it was right or wrong that the Tear was stolen because once again, I wasn't attached to it. I'm thinking something really cool is about to happen, and I'll have to read more to find out. :)
12/25/2014 c1 20Ventracere
Hello from the Roadhouse!
you've got a strong, well rounded start. I like how you manage to incorporate so many details about Athena/Cassidy's dress. In response to your questions, I think you have a strong female protagonist in Cassidy. I do appreciate how you explore Cassidy's strength as well as give us a hint about her insecurities. That said, she still seems overly bold and strong as she addresses Gerard. Though, that is from her position as Grand Master Thief (interesting concept :)). I honestly like how you're going about this, how Gerard is in a unique position as is Cain. They're both placed in positions neither want to actually be in (debatable). Interestingly, Cain wants to go straight, which is something we don't see too often.

Here are a few suggestions: I wouldn't focus all the attention you have solely on dress and appearance. While it is nice to get a clear view of your characters, sometimes it can get to be a sensory overload. Good job with showing us instead of telling us what's going on though. Another note, in the coming chapters, I'm hoping to see a more fragile side to Cassidy. She's currently on the line of no-nonsense, more one sided protagonist, and i'm interested to see how she'll evolve later on.
GJGJ!
12/19/2014 c1 hamsterolive
My first impression of Cassidy: she's smart. Quick. Young. Proper. And strong. All of these are a great mix for an MC.

I do want to learn more about her, and that is because she seems to be the complete package. There doesn't appear to be anything wrong with her. She's rich, pretty, smart. And despite all of that, despite what she has going for her, she decides to be a thief.

Awesome.

Gerard Turner. A whole slew of thoughts come to mind. I'll begin with his group, The Followers. This religion is different. Is it based off of Catholicism, a mix of beliefs? It strikes me as odd, also, that she and Gerard would meet in a bar to perform a "confession." How did that not send warning bells of in either party's head? How can he not be expecting something like what Cassidy pulls? Expect the unexpected, bro. And the fact that he actually agrees to show up to a bar, of all places, makes me wonder: is he a real priest? Or a nemesis in disguise? That would be pretty cool, not going to lie, but because of this I have a hard time trusting him.

I like the story about Adora's Tear. It has a very ancient kind of power to it, and that itself has considerable allure. I think it's fascinating.

...Of course Cassidy was right to steal it. Because she stole it BACK. The logic makes perfect sense to me.

As for predictions...I'm horrible. But I'll give it a shot. Either Gerard is going to be an evil backstabbing double-agent or her number one ally. (I would run farther with this, but I don't want to botch anything like I usually do. :P)

Questions:

I only have one. And it's probably very stupid.

What is a hime cut?

Followed by my only criticism: Why not just describe the shape of her hair, the way it falls? It would be easier than answering my stupid questions. XD

I really enjoyed this and will hopefully get around to reading more soon. Unfortunately I work more during the holiday season...but I'll definitely find a way. :)

Great work. I look forward to possibly learning from you!

All the best and happy holidays,

hamsterolive
11/25/2014 c9 1Storyus Raccoonus
I honestly found it interesting how this chapter kept my attention simply from the arguments both sides used. I've been a Catholic all my life and yet I couldn't help but agree with Cassidy on how those sort of beliefs can be difficult to believe when there isn't any physical evidence for them.
11/24/2014 c9 Blazing Lights
For some reason this phrase popped out to me: "Kneel to me and I'll raise you to your feet. Stand against me and I will sever your feet." It's a rather bold statement and gives show to Cassidy's attitude. There is now bystanders just allies and enemies or at least that's how I saw it.

Cassidy is a Viglante not a quite a villain not quite a hero. I am yet to decide probably course I am rather indecisive.

The dialogue was interesting but it kinda fell flat for me.

Happy Birthday! And Have a Wondrous Day!:)
11/11/2014 c1 Girlinblue24
Hi there! Or, should I be saying, long time no see? Ehh….
Anyway…
I liked this chapter. It was set up really well. I mean, really well. I’m envious. I liked that it was lengthy, but not too lengthy. I really enjoyed that your characters seemed real. It was as if I was reading words off of a page. I could picture them. You are a great writer.
P.s. I love Wynn.
Sorry for the short review. I promise to review your next chapter soon! And… not while I’m at work.
11/10/2014 c1 7The Littlest Mouse
I like it, you have a nice set up here and I really cannot wait to read the next chapter. It's a little lengthy for my taste, but length is good. After all, no one wants to read a story like this if every chapter less than five hundred words! My favorite thing about this story is how you've not only created just a few character's with their own individual past but a world with its own history! Tolkien would be proud! As would C.S Lewis!
9/30/2014 c3 3This Guy Again
[Given his occupation, it goes without say he possessed access] 'say' here should be 'saying'.

Aside from that thing, there were a few other minor mistakes, the kinds of things that slip us all from time to time. I'd suggest going back over your chapters with a fine toothed comb and really trying to root out all the little errors like that, though they aren't story ruining or anything.

I liked the change of pace in this chapter. It was really nice to get a glimpse of Cassidy's life outside of the criminality. One thing that I liked was Cassidy's decision to reward herself with chocolate after successfully gleaning the information she needed from the conductor. It goes a way to bringing out her character and making her feel more realistic. I also enjoyed seeing her friends make an appearance, again it goes some way to making things more believable.

Rebecca and Rae seem like the kind of friends you'd expect a girl to have really. Rebecca seems almost ditzy and soft hearted, whereas Rae is much more sensible and grounded. They make for a good pair of friends. I guess Cass needs them in a sense so that she can have a bit of normality, and she obviously cares strongly about them.

As has been the case for the last two, this chapter was good overall!

-from the roadhouse
9/30/2014 c2 This Guy Again
[something that could go without say yet sadly must be said] 'Say' should be 'saying' here. Once again sorry for the lateness of this reply to your review. I'd completely forgotten that you reviewed three chapters of mine, so it's only polite that I should review three of yours.

I liked the change of voice in this chapter. Cassidy is very matter of fact and almost nonchalant, which makes for fairly smooth and easy reading. Now, onto your questions!

So far, I quite enjoyed the manoeuvres so far. One thing in particular that I found good was the fact that there are so many more angles to Narcissa's initial move than I ever conceived, so I was really rather pleased when Cassidy pointed out some of the finer points that I totally missed.

Cassidy's deductions are pretty easy to follow, as are her plans, however I'm not fully sure how they'll be implemented. That's a good thing really as it gives me as the reader something to look forward to. As for my thoughts on the plan; I'm not convinced it's going to work smoothly, but that remains to be seen.

Narcissa's character up to yet seems like a typically arrogant celebrity, not too dissimilar from the likes of which we have today. I'm expecting her to get knocked down a peg or two, but come bag with a view to getting her own back on Cassidy. But for all I know she could fade into obscurity to never be seen again.

Wynn seems like he's some kind of all purpose right hand man, who Cass relies upon and to some extent needs. It also seems like Wynn cares a lot about Cassidy, and I'd hazard a guess that you might develop that into something more as the story progresses.

This chapter was quite a nice introduction to Cassidy's methods and way of thinking, and works well to get us used to the first person perspective. Good job!

-from the roadhouse
9/27/2014 c7 Blazing Lights
Gale seems creepy.

Okay this has been poking at my mind since I started reading this but did you know the superhero Batgirl from DC Comics name is Cassandra Cain. And there is a few similarities between Batgirl and your character and I thinks kinda cool. Sorry I am a comic geek, kinda.

This chapter had a curveball I wasn't expecting and nice way to bring Gale in. Curiosity point of Gale being Rae's brother. Kinda funny that Narcissa really isn't much, nothing but a pawn really. Overall a good chapter, it stirs up new questions.

I think Gale will not be an ally to Cassidy and eventually Rae will find out and turn on Cassidy.

Have a Fantastic Day!:)
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