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for The Confessions of Cassidy Cain (Grandmaster of Theft 1)

9/15/2011 c1 1Miryo
I feel like you really threw us right into the thick of things, with a lot of information to process, but let me tell you, you pulled it off magnificently. This looks like it'll be a really... "fun" story. Is that too weird to say? Hope not. I mean it in the best possible way. ^^
9/14/2011 c9 cerebral1
What a greatly written chapter! It's by far the best you've written. The exposition and dialogue are well-paced, and the characters' interactions are believeable. I like how Cassidy was exercising at one in the morning; shows her nerves and dedication.

"My arms were damaged pillars anticipating collapse." Wow. Love the metaphor. Can really picture her sweating and struggling.

Like the interplay between Wynn and Cassidy. Do I smell a love connection starting? Or a red herring? Either way, well plotted scene.

As for last chapter, I really liked what you added at the beginning, as well as the transition of needing one man in particular. Well done.

Really, I can't find anything to suggest to do better. There are some typos, but those can be done on your next draft. Awesome job!
9/14/2011 c8 12Deedee Elle
I don't think I've said it before but I absolutely love Cass' obsession with chocolate. A girl after my own heart!

'"I…engrossed myself in…research entailing an assortment of pulchritudinous maidens."' Ahahaha. I love Grandfather already!

I like the insight into what Cass' friends think of Grandmaster, especially as we have only seen her in her secret identity sonce the first chapter. It could lead to some interesting encounters, especially with Gale.

Soooo, an interesting new character and a chance to recap what we know about Deus, very little which was funny, especially Grandfather's comments to that effect.

I think most of the chapter is nicely paced but I'm not sure you need the Reynard section because although it tells us a little more of Cass' philosophy it does slow the chapter down a little.

Quick typo alerts here 'Everything one could to remain' needs a 'do' in it, 'in ever meaning of the word' should be 'every'.
9/13/2011 c8 cerebral1
Grandfather is fast becoming a favorite character, along with Wynn. So, Grandpa likes the girls, eh? That part made me laugh. Great description of him; he popped right into my head; very visual. Cass needs these two men; she takes herself too seriously, and makes it hard for the reader to identify with her, whereas the humor of the two men makes them more likeable.

A lot of info in this chapter, which might make readers skip over chunks. The info was definitely needed; it was just a lot. Readers will probably be looking for some action to balance out the info. Maybe a flashback, or insight into Cass's feelings about facing Gale, might humanize her, and also draw the reader along in the storyline. Perhaps Grandfather had some run in with Deus in his past? Just throwing out possibilities here. I think you started this next arc admirably. Maybe you could do a chapter (or chapters) from Deus' point of view, keeping him anonymous, of course. That might be a way to move the story along also, and titillate the readers. Good job!
9/13/2011 c7 cerebral1
I like Wynn. I think he's the guy that will stay by Cass's side through thick and thin (unless of course you throw us a curve ball and he somehow turns out to be Deus!)We found out a lot of info just through the prolonged conversation between Deus and Cass, which I always prefer than line after line of prose. My only suggestion would be to add minor descriptors, such as, "He intoned," or, "Clearing his throat, he continued..." Just little ways to draw the picture around the speakers. I did wonder, also, how convenient it was that the phone rang 3 times right after Cass pulled the phone out. Or did she call Deus? That wasn't real clear, at least to me. Also, I don't think snuck is a word; I think you have to use sneaked, but maybe dictionaries have finally accepted it in writing. Last bit of concrit: don't end a sentence with a preposition. Ex:"...there is nothing I ask forgiveness for" should really read "...there is nothing for which I ask forgiveness." Tricky, but doable.

Favorite line of mine:"And look at that; we're already finishing each other's sentences!" Best line! Made me laugh out loud! Overall, good job; am enjoying the dynamics between the characters.
9/12/2011 c1 1Simsted
This is certaily a type of book that i have never encountered. It looks really interesting and i'll make sure i read further. The only thing i would really like to say is to be careful in your opening chapter about how much you're giving away and how many characters you introduce to the reader. Since you have many more chapters on top of this chapter it wouldn't be sensible for you to edit it to narrow the characters down but at times i found myself getting confused by who was talking and who they were. In the writing tips books that i've read they usually don't recommend revealing the identity of more than 3 characters as it confuses the reader. Just keep that in mind for any other stories. BUT, Other than that i found it to be really interesting and i will surely read on. Good job :)
9/8/2011 c6 cerebral1
OOO, I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess that Gale is Deus; or maybe Wynn. Don't say; let me have my fun here! Good confrontation on top of the train, though I don't know if people can stand that long while it's rocketing down the track. The writing at the beginning flowed much better than previous installments; sounded like real conversation, and I like the chemistry between Gale and Cass, as well as Wynn and Cass. Very natural. I wonder if Gale has any clue the Thief is really Cass? One nitpick: there was a little too much philosophy about murder through Cass's introspection; it can be shown in bits and pieces of her thoughts as the story unfolds. And lastly, by the thief knowing about Gale's mother, does that point to Cass' identity? Lots of questions, which means I'll be reading more tomorrow. Again, another solid installment!
9/8/2011 c5 cerebral1
Once again, great fight scene! Well described; runs like a movie, which is so great for a reader to visualize. You have a great knack for writing action. Of course, I still can't stand Narcissa and her melodrama; she's over the top, but again, that may be your way of drawing her. I want to see how Gale and Cass interact next chapter. Again, typos could be limited with some extra editing:"...it slashed across her left winced in paid." Most of the time I can ignore typos, we all make them, but that one was tricky to deciper :) But again, am enjoying the adventure!
9/8/2011 c4 cerebral1
You have a real knack for describing action. I love how you describe Cass climbing out onto the roof of the train. The clatter of the wheels, the wind blowing her hair-good showing of a scene, as opposed to telling. I like Wynn's lack of acting ability, and Cass's reaction to it. The only character I don't like, and think she sounds a bit melodramatic, is Narcissa, but then maybe that's the reaction you want me to have. Also, a bit more proofreading/editing before uploading. You seem to drop a lot of your "the" words in your writing, probably because you're typing fast. On to Chapter 5!
9/7/2011 c7 12Deedee Elle
Doctor Who reference?

I think when you're listing adjectives the colour comes before texture so it should be dark red velvet.

I like the description of her using a chocolate coin to flip when she's on the phone.

This was a great chapter, The interplay between Cass and Deus on the phone felt really natural. I think Deus has delusions of Moriarty and I'm going to spend a lot of time reading trying to work out if Cass knows him in real life. I'm guessing he might because he calls her Miss not Ms which implies knowledge of her marital status though I might be reading too much into it.

I liked the twist of the jewel being fake- I didn't see that coming and the challenge accepted sounds like there will be some good things to come.
9/5/2011 c2 3ShortcakeMattie
Ooooh. The action has finally begun! I did not expect Gale to be working with Narcissa; but he could be working as a double agent too? Maybe? Or should I just wait a few more chapters and find out? :)

Your descriptions are good. You manage to provide just enough detail without it overpowering everything or seeming to vague. I forgot to mention in my last post that I admire your ability to write in first person perspective. I struggle with that approach so I stick with third person. Well done on your part though!

9/5/2011 c1 ShortcakeMattie
Hey M.R. Hill! Sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you.

"Their fallen brethren were represented here. I met only two though: Their grandfather, Gabriel Crawford, and mother, Olivia Crawford." - Nothing wrong with this sentence, I just wanted to point out that I like the names you chose for your characters (I like all their names) but I especially like the name Gabriel because I have a character named Gabriel too! :)

Anyway... you have a good start and I enjoyed the first chapter. I liked reading about what strove Cassidy to become a thief. I like the relationship between Cassidy and Augustus already. I have a feeling they will quickly become my favorite characters.


Here are a few edits:

I have been ever since that day when I could no longer accept the failure of the laws…

Edit: I think you meant "I have been [one] ever since that day..."?


My remaining friend and personal assistant Augustus Wynn settled back away from us against wall, waiting for me to conclude my affairs.

Edit: My remaining friend and personal assistant[,] Augustus Wynn [,] settled back away from us against [the] wall, waiting for me to conclude my affairs.


"While I can't fathom why anyone would want to steal from your Father, it's not my brother's fault so don't yell at him," Rae piped in with just a hint of icy bitterness.

Edit: I don't think "father" should be capitalized since Rae is saying "your father" instead of just "father" since she's claiming that the father belongs to Cassidy. If that makes sense?


For this reason [I] was no surprise to me that she would take my side in this dispute, even if it was against her more submissive nature.

Edit: I think you meant "...it was no surprise..." instead of "...I was no surprise..."?


The murder of Mrs. Olivia was a catalyst to both her children and [I.]

Edit: "I" should be "me".


Hope my review was helpful! Can't wait for more. :)

9/4/2011 c2 4coffeehit
While this isn't really my preferred fiction genre, I'll admit that your story is intriguing and I like the idea of the plot. I've read chapters 1 and 2 so far.

Your story is definitely descriptive, as to provide a good image in the reader's mind, but for me, I felt you may have overdescribed and there wasn't really a good balance between plot, character and description. There were parts here and there that were a bit tedious because you took so long setting up the scene even though not much happened.

It might just be me, but describing what the person is wearing kind of jolts me out of my interest as a reader... but again, that might just be me.

And I don't know if you consider this nitpicking (I certainly do), but when you use a colon, you don't need to capitalise the letter of the word following the colon.

(Seen here in chapter 2:

From toe to head, I attired myself in the following: Ebony designer boots; a scarlet skirt that descended to just below my knees; a matching, buttoned up white blouse; black tie; and black, long sleeve frock coat.

The word ebony should be lowercase, not with a capital letter. This occurs quite a bit in the first chapter and it was kind of annoying for me. And the semicolons are inappropriately used in the description above.) This may all just be a bit of nitpicking, but I thought it would be handy for you to know.

The main thing about the story (in the first two chapters at least) is that I really didn't like the protagonist. It might change later in the story, but to me, she comes across as a bit pretentious (even with her skills and intelligence- all which are noteworthy talents to aspire to, don't get me wrong) and I guess I'm not much of a fan.

Nonetheless, the plot of the story is definitely intriguing and definitely captivating and I will keep reading your story. So good work on that, and ten bucks says I'll be wrong about half the things I've written in this review later in the story.
9/3/2011 c6 12Deedee Elle
Hello, this is going to be a bumper 3 in 1 review as I've looked at the titles and decided I wanted to read until the end of the story arc in one go.

You've got a few typos in the first paragraph- you missed 'my' from remaining clothes and 'matchING' navy waistcoat. I like the description of her preparation as it adds a serenity to proceedings.The description of the plan being carried out is very well written with a good balance of description and dialogue and I like Cass' internal monologues such as this one '"I always have a plan." I just needed to figure out exactly what it was.'

I really laughed at this line 'To say his natural ability for acting was lacking is an insult to atrocious thespians the world over.', probably because I used to do far too much am-dram.

I don't think you need to describe what Narcissa is wearing, it beaks the flow of the action. Their dialogue is good but you maybe overdo Narcissa's stammering a little.

I like the revelation halfway through chapter 5 that Deus is behind things, it ups the ante a lot. The meeting with Gale at the end is a good cliffhanger but the description of his sword slows the pace, maybe you could have her drop the information into things during the fight.

I like Cass' reflection at the start of chapter 6 about wisdom being hidden, it gives the impression she's learning a bit of humility as she is very over-confident at the start.

The dialogue between Gale and Cass is nicely written though you could add a bit of description about how they are speaking, movements and so on earlier than you do as it gets a little back and forth.

I like the introduction of the murder mystery, it adds another dimension to the story which combined with the Deus revelation gives you a lot of places to go with it.

I'm really enjoying this, even though it is set in the present/future it has the air of a good old fashioned romp.
9/3/2011 c2 3NVR
Oh, wow! I really enjoyed reading this chapter. It is interesting, at a perfect pace for the reader to understand what was going on and cleverly written dialogue!

I found the dialogue an absolute highlight in this chapter. It described the scenario of what was going on instead of having a narrator tell us. You showed us instead of telling us which is a hard thing to do for an author. The end was just amazing! It made me really want to continue the story. Gale? Helping Narcissa Richmond? One of the last things I would expect at the end of a chapter and is a great cliffhanger!

The pace of the chapter couldn't have been better. It was easy to understand and I felt like I hadn't really missed out on any of the details. You were writing like the time frame is in real life and while reading the chapter it felt like it was actually happening! This also links into the dialogue which described what was going on and what had happened!

I actually quite like the concept of this story. Now realizing where the story is going, I do believe that Chapter 1 really needs to have more background information. The time between chapter 1 and 2 is three years in which alot has happened, and alot of info that the reader does need to know. I understand that this is the first real battle between her and Narcissa Richmond and so I hope she does win. But I want to know how she got trained (if any), how her parents still don't now what is happening in all the three years. You know, those type of details.

Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed this chapter because of the interesting idea and smart dialogue. I hope this continues throughout the story! :)


*Repayed! :)
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