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for Apple Scented Candles

8/14/2011 c1 8Adrenalin
Strong opening sentence, very eye-catching. I like that you immediatly started with a scent and not with something visual, it makes your beginning much more interesting.

At first I was a bit afraid the piece had no real point and was just a painting with words but in the end it tied itself very well. I like your ending and wondering if maybe your character(who doesn't seem that happy in life) might die of hypothermia or whether he lives to face his being kicked out of school.

Anyway, cool story.
7/1/2011 c1 6Gilee7
[apple scented candles stuffing up the room]- *apple-scented*

[I suspected I was drunk too, from the look of the half-full glass in my hand.]- Wouldn't "half-empty" be more appropriate? I'm reviewing as I read, and already I can tell that the narrator is not in a good mood, so the optimistic "half-full" description seems a bit incongruous.

[Voices crashed against my ears as if they were screeching car breaks and the heat and glow of the candles and the dulled yellow lights made it hard to breathe.]- I really like this sentence.

[When the glass hit the floor and I heard the crash, I remembered something. Or, rather, I remembered that I should've remembered something, only I couldn't remember what it was. Where was Christine?] - I really like the train of thought here.

[Throwing open the window, I sent my dinner down eleven stories into the darkness of the night.] - LOL, look out below!

I enjoyed this piece. It was very well-written. The descriptions were short, but effective. You did an excellent job portraying the party through the eyes of a drunken person who is having a terrible night. Everything has that swimming, hazy appearance. The world seems lopsided. Instead of walking, the narrator just kind of stumbles around. Everything is annoying: the damn apple-scented candles, her sympathetic friend, the guy who tries to strike up conversation, etc. If you've never been drunk or under the influence, you could've fooled me. You write from that perspective very well.

I was a little disappointed that the only reason she was drowning her sorrows is because she was kicked out of school. I mean, that's still heavy, but I was imagining something much more serious. I actually think this story would be more effective if she never remembers, or like maybe she remembers at the end but she doesn't tell us. The ambiguity would make it more powerful.
6/10/2011 c1 99Dreamers-Requiem
great short story. I loved the descriptions you used; it really strengthed the story, and the atmosphere and Kelly's current state fit in well with it. Poor girl; she really is drowning her sorrows. Nothing to critique here; brilliantly written, Sercus.
6/10/2011 c1 16Dragon made me do it
Great story! I like the way you teased the reader by opening with mystery and finishing with even more questions.

For a while I had assumed that somebody might have died and that rather than a party, this was a wake that got a little out of hand with the alcohol. But then I got to the end and thought, maybe not.

This was definitely the kind of story to not give you a final answer and leave it to the reader to speculate.

I felt like I was in the scene with the central character and that their confusion was my confusion. Their headache was my headache. I didn't feel at all distanced from them.

Your use of colourful language to describe the scenario was effective, I particularly liked the following lines:

Whatever vile thing was in my glass resembled gasoline more than alcohol.

Throwing open the window, I sent my dinner down eleven stories into the darkness of the night.

deep breaths of the clear, cold night air that didn't smell like apples.

I liked the irritation over the apple-scented candles.

Great story and well crafted.

Grammar/syntax/spelling etc:

'Apple scented' could be changed to 'apple-scented'

'People of all different shapes and sizes and colors laughed, talked, joked, sighed, shouted, and milled about the room.' - I felt like there were too many words in this sentence and it didn't flow smoothly, if you changed it to something like 'people of all different shapes, sizes and colours ...' it would flow better. It was a great sentence otherwise.

'screeching car breaks' should read 'screeching car brakes'

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