for Alethia Academy2/17/2013 c4 
46TitanK
I've read everything up to Chapter 4 and I'd say this is a nice concept that can be expanded upon very easily, although the Prologue is vague, but sometimes it's good to be like that.
Now for the not so fluffy stuff. The grammar can be improved, although there isn't any mistakes that stand out, it's just the overall wording. Secondly, the story can be slowed down so much more. It helps to just write about the character and their whole day, it will show more of their personality and help us understand them more.
Thirdly, fencing... really? Would I be wrong with assuming that you plan to use fencing as a method of teaching your character/s sword skills? Fencing is the wrong way, fencing itself is a light footed, fancy, one on one, sport. A battle, a fight, a clash between swords requires much more brutality, more strength, less grace and more strength, speed and boldness. A swordsman hacks, stabs and slashes rather than flicking.
I'm not too comfortable with the whole homosexual thing going on, it's a personal opinion thing. I'm not homophobic or anything, but as a straight guy, I'm getting this awkward vibe. I'll follow your story, I do look forward to more, especially once the character gets yanked out of this 'mundane' life and into the fantasy land.
46TitanKI've read everything up to Chapter 4 and I'd say this is a nice concept that can be expanded upon very easily, although the Prologue is vague, but sometimes it's good to be like that.
Now for the not so fluffy stuff. The grammar can be improved, although there isn't any mistakes that stand out, it's just the overall wording. Secondly, the story can be slowed down so much more. It helps to just write about the character and their whole day, it will show more of their personality and help us understand them more.
Thirdly, fencing... really? Would I be wrong with assuming that you plan to use fencing as a method of teaching your character/s sword skills? Fencing is the wrong way, fencing itself is a light footed, fancy, one on one, sport. A battle, a fight, a clash between swords requires much more brutality, more strength, less grace and more strength, speed and boldness. A swordsman hacks, stabs and slashes rather than flicking.
I'm not too comfortable with the whole homosexual thing going on, it's a personal opinion thing. I'm not homophobic or anything, but as a straight guy, I'm getting this awkward vibe. I'll follow your story, I do look forward to more, especially once the character gets yanked out of this 'mundane' life and into the fantasy land.
2/13/2013 c2 2Heart-Keeper
First of all this is an intriguing story, the grammar's good as well as the spelling.
The plot looks completely original. All in All this story looks really good and I'll like to see it continued.
2Heart-KeeperFirst of all this is an intriguing story, the grammar's good as well as the spelling.
The plot looks completely original. All in All this story looks really good and I'll like to see it continued.
2/12/2013 c1 2HybridStories31
Hi! I'm a very detailed reviewer. So my review will be long and hold mostly things I think should be corrected. But they are my opinions and you don't have to accept them. It's your story and you can do what you want with it. Hope my comments will help you.
"more cynical, awaited in the deep" I think 'waited' would sound better.
" darkness, waiting to tear apart Alethia and steal its life, that the darkness had craved so much for." End the sentence after 'life' and change the next part of the sentence. Exchange 'that' for 'life'. Remove 'had' and 'so much for'. It'll be a fragment but it'll sound better in my opinion.
"easily, they would put up" Make the comma and semi-colon. Use a semi-colon when the next part of the sentence is a sentence by itself.
"Their war amongst each other raged many millennium," Remove 'amongst each other'. It's already implied that war was between the Alethians and the Invaders.
" Always causing mass destruction in their wake but also rebirth in the process by bringing stars to life with their conflicting energies." Who's causing the mass destruction? If it's just the war then remove 'always'. Maybe replace it with 'just' but it would sound fine without it. And change 'their' to 'its'. And change 'also rebirth...' to 'rebirth, too. Bringing...' And removing 'with their conflicting energies'.
"All seemed as " Change 'all' to 'it'.
"power, knowledge and faith" Is knowledge and faith the source of their power? If so change the comma to a colon. Use a colon when starting a long list of items or stating the answer to a question posed in the sentence. (Note: The sentence shouldn't actually be a question)
" The very home of the Pure Ones" Remove 'very'.
"six Pure Ones were the two families, Lux, the clan of Light, and Tenebrae, the clan of Darkness, the two co-ruler families of Alethia" Combine 'the two... families of Alethia' with '...were the two families...' like this "...were the two co-ruling families..."
"s there, in that room, the Father of Tenebrae," 'in that room' should be removed. It isn't necessary since its obvious that if was 'there' then it was in that room. Add 'that' before 'Father'. Remove all commas.
"came to age" Came of age.
"It was there, in that room, the Father of Tenebrae, was attacked by ... stinger at his heart. In the room next to his, the Mother of Lux cared and cooed over their child,...within.
Hearing the gentle thump of her lover's body collapsing onto the floor. Leaving the child in his crib,..., covered by thick ancient walls, that the whole of Alethia heard the Mothers grief stricken howl of loss and shaking the whole Island from the attacks, as She sought vengeance on the small Invader, incinerating the little things body with her Light." Reword these to sentences. Complete what happens to Father Tenebrae before you move on to Mother of Lux. 'Hearing...floor' is a fragment. Combine it with her rushing out of the room.
"things body" Add an apostrophe after 'thing' and before 's'.
" Arguing with the Lady about the rash decision for the night, as a Regime of Warriors of Alethia advanced to the battle front of the Island." Fragment. Try "They argued..."
", taking the little break in their defense, the Invaders swarmed toward the break" Did you mean 'making a little break..' End the sentence after 'defense' and 'break'. For emphasis.
"devouring emerald fields, evergreen sentient forests, and sapphire blue lakes." Change the commas to semi-colons and add commas after 'evergreen' and 'sapphire'. If you do not want to use the semi-colons then remove the descriptive words 'evergreen' and 'sapphire'.
" Turning all of the land" Remove 'all of'.
"Tremor racing through the land, the Pure One of Terra, the element Earth, felt the death of countless plants right away and screamed the agony of their deaths, collapsing into a heap on the floor gasping for breathe." This sentence doesn't work. Try "A tremor raced... as Pure One of Terra, ..., felt ...plants." Remove 'right away'. Start a new sentence. "She screamed in..., collapsed.., gasping for breath." You to many -ing words. It sounds unconnected and unfinished.
" Pleading with the Lady of Light once more about the great loss of their people, the Arch-Maiden asked for the Lady's blessing for the safe journey of the children and their protectors, ten Maidens who volunteered to go with the babies for their protection." The Arch-Maiden pleaded with the Lady of Light to give her blessing...of the children, their protectors, and the ten Maidens...
"Blinded by her rage against the Invaders who murdered the man she loved, though as an explosion rocked the Chamber of Time the cry of her little baby boy broke through the haze that clouded her building within her eyes she held out her arms for the baby, the Maiden handed over the baby and the Lady of Light cradled her little boy in her arms, holding him tightly as she felt the fresh wave of sadness strike her heart relentlessly." Remove 'murdered the man she loved'. We know that already. It's a run-on sentence. Break it up into at least three sentences.
" Though the rumbling from outside continued" Remove 'from'. And 'though'.
" closer and it would" Change 'and' to a semi-colon.
" life so that they would have to obey every order given to them" Remove 'so that... them'. That's not the right place for that description. Add that when the children find out that they have the protectors.
"Blindly through her tears the Lady of Light handed " Flip the beginning, like this, "Through her tears ... blindly handed..."
"guardians but still the Ritual of Baptism had to be" End the sentence with 'guardians'. Move 'still' after 'Baptism'.
" to their very life" Remove 'very'.
"Gentle wavering light" Add a comma after 'gentle'
" reminiscing of a lullaby." Add a comma after 'song'. Change 'reminiscing' to 'reminiscent'.
" Flowing through each ear of the children, sparking a new kind of fire" Flip this around. "A new kind of fire flowed through each ear..."
" Kindling dully the new fire" Add a comma after 'dully'.
" in greater detail than any of them would and to later mark that spot with their Summoning symbol." Remove 'in greater...would'. Remove 'later'. If the mark doesn't appear right then, then cut the rest of the sentence. Or reword it.
"The pounding on the outside soon broke even closer to the time chamber, smothering out the singing and breaking all the Maidens" Reword this. Maybe like this "The pounding outside the time chamber increased in volume causing the Maidens to stop singing and panic." End the sentence.
"Chamber a giant set of ornate doors" Add 'was' after 'Chamber'.
" confinement but also hourglasses" Change 'but' to 'and'. Remove 'also'.
" edge marked the door" edge of the door. End the sentence.
" immense power rolling off in waves whenever you looked at it" Immense power rolled off of it/them in waves.
" opened but in order" End the sentence after 'opened'.
"t and the person would have to walk through the doors of their own accord" This isn't right. It doesn't fit with the rest of the sentence. End the sentence after 'present'. If the rest is important, then rewrite into its own sentence.
"That was another reason what the Maidens had to do, carry the infants safely into the future and protect them from any dangers and train them in one of the Sacred Arts and guide them throughout the rest of their lives but when the Maidens stood on the threshold of the Time Gate, a explosion threw them off balance." Run-on sentence. The first part doesn't make sense. Cut into at least 3 different sentences.
"Toppling into the passageway, the babies flew through the swirling masses of time debris and Time Vortex. Destinations to some distant world in the distant future unknown the Maidens dived head first to chase after their little charges, hands outstretched many of the Maidens got a hold of their children except one and to later find out that he was the most important one of them all. The only child born of both Light and Darkness destined to either save or destroy the cosmos." Rewrite this. It doesn't make sense.
"At least that is what they have told me so far from where I am staying at, the beautiful and twisting dorms of Alethia Academy but I brought you to far back let me bring you to a few months ago when my world completely went upside down from meeting the most hottest man ever." Remove 'most', hottest doesn't need anything else attached to it. The first part of the sentence is hard to read. Reword it. Try "At least... me so far at the beautiful Alethia Academy." End the sentence. And start a new one.
Well, I think what needs the most work is when to break up a sentence. You have way to many run-ons. Also, you use to many -ing words. That makes the actions all seem to happening constantly. Good luck. I think the story line is good, but a little to much like "I Am Number Six". I don't know if you've read it, but if you haven't be aware that your story is very much like it. At least the history is like it. With work and some tweaking you could have a great story, so don't give up.
2HybridStories31Hi! I'm a very detailed reviewer. So my review will be long and hold mostly things I think should be corrected. But they are my opinions and you don't have to accept them. It's your story and you can do what you want with it. Hope my comments will help you.
"more cynical, awaited in the deep" I think 'waited' would sound better.
" darkness, waiting to tear apart Alethia and steal its life, that the darkness had craved so much for." End the sentence after 'life' and change the next part of the sentence. Exchange 'that' for 'life'. Remove 'had' and 'so much for'. It'll be a fragment but it'll sound better in my opinion.
"easily, they would put up" Make the comma and semi-colon. Use a semi-colon when the next part of the sentence is a sentence by itself.
"Their war amongst each other raged many millennium," Remove 'amongst each other'. It's already implied that war was between the Alethians and the Invaders.
" Always causing mass destruction in their wake but also rebirth in the process by bringing stars to life with their conflicting energies." Who's causing the mass destruction? If it's just the war then remove 'always'. Maybe replace it with 'just' but it would sound fine without it. And change 'their' to 'its'. And change 'also rebirth...' to 'rebirth, too. Bringing...' And removing 'with their conflicting energies'.
"All seemed as " Change 'all' to 'it'.
"power, knowledge and faith" Is knowledge and faith the source of their power? If so change the comma to a colon. Use a colon when starting a long list of items or stating the answer to a question posed in the sentence. (Note: The sentence shouldn't actually be a question)
" The very home of the Pure Ones" Remove 'very'.
"six Pure Ones were the two families, Lux, the clan of Light, and Tenebrae, the clan of Darkness, the two co-ruler families of Alethia" Combine 'the two... families of Alethia' with '...were the two families...' like this "...were the two co-ruling families..."
"s there, in that room, the Father of Tenebrae," 'in that room' should be removed. It isn't necessary since its obvious that if was 'there' then it was in that room. Add 'that' before 'Father'. Remove all commas.
"came to age" Came of age.
"It was there, in that room, the Father of Tenebrae, was attacked by ... stinger at his heart. In the room next to his, the Mother of Lux cared and cooed over their child,...within.
Hearing the gentle thump of her lover's body collapsing onto the floor. Leaving the child in his crib,..., covered by thick ancient walls, that the whole of Alethia heard the Mothers grief stricken howl of loss and shaking the whole Island from the attacks, as She sought vengeance on the small Invader, incinerating the little things body with her Light." Reword these to sentences. Complete what happens to Father Tenebrae before you move on to Mother of Lux. 'Hearing...floor' is a fragment. Combine it with her rushing out of the room.
"things body" Add an apostrophe after 'thing' and before 's'.
" Arguing with the Lady about the rash decision for the night, as a Regime of Warriors of Alethia advanced to the battle front of the Island." Fragment. Try "They argued..."
", taking the little break in their defense, the Invaders swarmed toward the break" Did you mean 'making a little break..' End the sentence after 'defense' and 'break'. For emphasis.
"devouring emerald fields, evergreen sentient forests, and sapphire blue lakes." Change the commas to semi-colons and add commas after 'evergreen' and 'sapphire'. If you do not want to use the semi-colons then remove the descriptive words 'evergreen' and 'sapphire'.
" Turning all of the land" Remove 'all of'.
"Tremor racing through the land, the Pure One of Terra, the element Earth, felt the death of countless plants right away and screamed the agony of their deaths, collapsing into a heap on the floor gasping for breathe." This sentence doesn't work. Try "A tremor raced... as Pure One of Terra, ..., felt ...plants." Remove 'right away'. Start a new sentence. "She screamed in..., collapsed.., gasping for breath." You to many -ing words. It sounds unconnected and unfinished.
" Pleading with the Lady of Light once more about the great loss of their people, the Arch-Maiden asked for the Lady's blessing for the safe journey of the children and their protectors, ten Maidens who volunteered to go with the babies for their protection." The Arch-Maiden pleaded with the Lady of Light to give her blessing...of the children, their protectors, and the ten Maidens...
"Blinded by her rage against the Invaders who murdered the man she loved, though as an explosion rocked the Chamber of Time the cry of her little baby boy broke through the haze that clouded her building within her eyes she held out her arms for the baby, the Maiden handed over the baby and the Lady of Light cradled her little boy in her arms, holding him tightly as she felt the fresh wave of sadness strike her heart relentlessly." Remove 'murdered the man she loved'. We know that already. It's a run-on sentence. Break it up into at least three sentences.
" Though the rumbling from outside continued" Remove 'from'. And 'though'.
" closer and it would" Change 'and' to a semi-colon.
" life so that they would have to obey every order given to them" Remove 'so that... them'. That's not the right place for that description. Add that when the children find out that they have the protectors.
"Blindly through her tears the Lady of Light handed " Flip the beginning, like this, "Through her tears ... blindly handed..."
"guardians but still the Ritual of Baptism had to be" End the sentence with 'guardians'. Move 'still' after 'Baptism'.
" to their very life" Remove 'very'.
"Gentle wavering light" Add a comma after 'gentle'
" reminiscing of a lullaby." Add a comma after 'song'. Change 'reminiscing' to 'reminiscent'.
" Flowing through each ear of the children, sparking a new kind of fire" Flip this around. "A new kind of fire flowed through each ear..."
" Kindling dully the new fire" Add a comma after 'dully'.
" in greater detail than any of them would and to later mark that spot with their Summoning symbol." Remove 'in greater...would'. Remove 'later'. If the mark doesn't appear right then, then cut the rest of the sentence. Or reword it.
"The pounding on the outside soon broke even closer to the time chamber, smothering out the singing and breaking all the Maidens" Reword this. Maybe like this "The pounding outside the time chamber increased in volume causing the Maidens to stop singing and panic." End the sentence.
"Chamber a giant set of ornate doors" Add 'was' after 'Chamber'.
" confinement but also hourglasses" Change 'but' to 'and'. Remove 'also'.
" edge marked the door" edge of the door. End the sentence.
" immense power rolling off in waves whenever you looked at it" Immense power rolled off of it/them in waves.
" opened but in order" End the sentence after 'opened'.
"t and the person would have to walk through the doors of their own accord" This isn't right. It doesn't fit with the rest of the sentence. End the sentence after 'present'. If the rest is important, then rewrite into its own sentence.
"That was another reason what the Maidens had to do, carry the infants safely into the future and protect them from any dangers and train them in one of the Sacred Arts and guide them throughout the rest of their lives but when the Maidens stood on the threshold of the Time Gate, a explosion threw them off balance." Run-on sentence. The first part doesn't make sense. Cut into at least 3 different sentences.
"Toppling into the passageway, the babies flew through the swirling masses of time debris and Time Vortex. Destinations to some distant world in the distant future unknown the Maidens dived head first to chase after their little charges, hands outstretched many of the Maidens got a hold of their children except one and to later find out that he was the most important one of them all. The only child born of both Light and Darkness destined to either save or destroy the cosmos." Rewrite this. It doesn't make sense.
"At least that is what they have told me so far from where I am staying at, the beautiful and twisting dorms of Alethia Academy but I brought you to far back let me bring you to a few months ago when my world completely went upside down from meeting the most hottest man ever." Remove 'most', hottest doesn't need anything else attached to it. The first part of the sentence is hard to read. Reword it. Try "At least... me so far at the beautiful Alethia Academy." End the sentence. And start a new one.
Well, I think what needs the most work is when to break up a sentence. You have way to many run-ons. Also, you use to many -ing words. That makes the actions all seem to happening constantly. Good luck. I think the story line is good, but a little to much like "I Am Number Six". I don't know if you've read it, but if you haven't be aware that your story is very much like it. At least the history is like it. With work and some tweaking you could have a great story, so don't give up.
8/14/2011 c11 2thecat111
Your writing got better from the last time I read it. Yay! The beginings of your chapters are fantastic. I read them and think "something amazing is going to happen! :D" Then I get to the end of the chapter and I think "Bwah? I is confused." Like this chapter. It starts with Erik and the gang taking a tour (which I thought you did a great job detailing by the way) and it ends, through a series of events that I'm still not quite sure about, with Erik and Daniel in a bed. Not that I'm complaining about that part. :) But seriously, what was that all about? With the black card and the portal and everyone slightly freaking out. If I was Erik, I would be like "Wait a fucking minute! How- why did- what the fuck!" But that's just me. I loved the scene though. If only I had a portal card. *sigh* The chaos... *ahem* Anyway.
I love your charaters. Especially Derek. *hearts* There's a real 3D quality about him that makes him seem a little more developed than the rest. Like Alena. I'm not sure about her yet. Or Daniel. They both could use a little more depth to their characters. But that's just me. I still love them though. You have a way of making your characters very unique. It's refreshing.
Now about your writing style... I'm jealous. Your attention to detail was certainly a plus in these last couple of chapters since you introduced a lot of new things. Things like the school and the new characters. You just have to be careful of not letting things get too fluffy. Sometimes less is more. We'll leave all of the unnecassary synonyms to the poets. ;)
Careful of Erik's inner monologue. He's sounding a little too grown up at times. Like at the beginning of the chapter when Erik couldn't 'distinguish' what sounds were coming from the music rooms. What is Erik? Freshmen? Sophmore? It just struck me as a little weird that he would use such words when, at utter most, he's sixteen.
I'm just going to skip the grammar, because odds are everyone and their grandmother that's reviewed have told you about it. But I will say this. Betas are your friends. If you could get someone to look this over, holy blue, this story could be publish worthy. You just need to combine your awesome writing/imagination/detailing/basically everything you write, with someone else's grammar knowhow.
And plot needs to happen soon, good sir, because right now I'm just hoping for shit to explode at this point. That's always fun. :D
Anyway, I really like this story and I hope that you polish this so you can get hundreds, if not thousands, of reviews.
2thecat111Your writing got better from the last time I read it. Yay! The beginings of your chapters are fantastic. I read them and think "something amazing is going to happen! :D" Then I get to the end of the chapter and I think "Bwah? I is confused." Like this chapter. It starts with Erik and the gang taking a tour (which I thought you did a great job detailing by the way) and it ends, through a series of events that I'm still not quite sure about, with Erik and Daniel in a bed. Not that I'm complaining about that part. :) But seriously, what was that all about? With the black card and the portal and everyone slightly freaking out. If I was Erik, I would be like "Wait a fucking minute! How- why did- what the fuck!" But that's just me. I loved the scene though. If only I had a portal card. *sigh* The chaos... *ahem* Anyway.
I love your charaters. Especially Derek. *hearts* There's a real 3D quality about him that makes him seem a little more developed than the rest. Like Alena. I'm not sure about her yet. Or Daniel. They both could use a little more depth to their characters. But that's just me. I still love them though. You have a way of making your characters very unique. It's refreshing.
Now about your writing style... I'm jealous. Your attention to detail was certainly a plus in these last couple of chapters since you introduced a lot of new things. Things like the school and the new characters. You just have to be careful of not letting things get too fluffy. Sometimes less is more. We'll leave all of the unnecassary synonyms to the poets. ;)
Careful of Erik's inner monologue. He's sounding a little too grown up at times. Like at the beginning of the chapter when Erik couldn't 'distinguish' what sounds were coming from the music rooms. What is Erik? Freshmen? Sophmore? It just struck me as a little weird that he would use such words when, at utter most, he's sixteen.
I'm just going to skip the grammar, because odds are everyone and their grandmother that's reviewed have told you about it. But I will say this. Betas are your friends. If you could get someone to look this over, holy blue, this story could be publish worthy. You just need to combine your awesome writing/imagination/detailing/basically everything you write, with someone else's grammar knowhow.
And plot needs to happen soon, good sir, because right now I'm just hoping for shit to explode at this point. That's always fun. :D
Anyway, I really like this story and I hope that you polish this so you can get hundreds, if not thousands, of reviews.
8/4/2011 c11 Gin
(Before you start, i'm a grammar Nazi and I won't hesitate with what's right/wrong)
All right. I'm just going to say this: This story has a lot of potential. So much so, it's amazing. The only downfall are the grammatical errors and constant change of time.
Another thing is repetition. For example: "...he let the card slide smoothly through the air and causing a slight ripping noise come from the air" Air is being mentioned way too many times in this sentence to make sense.
That is not the only example either.
Now, as i've written a few books myself, I understand that the beginning of writing is always rocky. This is chapter 11 and should really begin to get better. Refer to what I, and probably countless others, have been saying.
Some things impressed me, however. Your imagination is so strong and amazing, it's completely wonderful. The amount of detail you put in the dorms of the Academy is great as well. (The downfall of this, however, is the repetition of similar words in a sentence, having a run-on sentence, or not explaining thoroughly.)
One more thing: The scene at the end: the bed scene: Don't you think they're moving a bit too fast? Or is that just Daniel's character? Because...I just think two people who've only ever seen each other-what?-once, twice, maybe three times and end up in bed together..is completely crazy. If that's how Daniel is, however, then that's great. (But i just don't get that type of vibe from him)
Anyway, that is my review of this chapter. I cannot wait for more! :)
(Before you start, i'm a grammar Nazi and I won't hesitate with what's right/wrong)
All right. I'm just going to say this: This story has a lot of potential. So much so, it's amazing. The only downfall are the grammatical errors and constant change of time.
Another thing is repetition. For example: "...he let the card slide smoothly through the air and causing a slight ripping noise come from the air" Air is being mentioned way too many times in this sentence to make sense.
That is not the only example either.
Now, as i've written a few books myself, I understand that the beginning of writing is always rocky. This is chapter 11 and should really begin to get better. Refer to what I, and probably countless others, have been saying.
Some things impressed me, however. Your imagination is so strong and amazing, it's completely wonderful. The amount of detail you put in the dorms of the Academy is great as well. (The downfall of this, however, is the repetition of similar words in a sentence, having a run-on sentence, or not explaining thoroughly.)
One more thing: The scene at the end: the bed scene: Don't you think they're moving a bit too fast? Or is that just Daniel's character? Because...I just think two people who've only ever seen each other-what?-once, twice, maybe three times and end up in bed together..is completely crazy. If that's how Daniel is, however, then that's great. (But i just don't get that type of vibe from him)
Anyway, that is my review of this chapter. I cannot wait for more! :)
7/4/2011 c1 thecat111
Hi! I like to write long reviews, so sorry for that in advance. ^_^
So, here I am, kinda bored, when I get an alert on my phone (which is where I'm writing this by the way) about someone favoriting me for whatever reason. So I click to see who it is and is turns out to be someone called Jeremy Healing Touch. My intrest has been piqued. I click on this person's profile and, surprise of surprises, they write too. The summary of the story sounds good so I click and read the first chapter. And now here comes the actual review. ^_^
I really like this first chapter. It made me want to know more. I thought to myself, "Whoa! Where are they taking this? Who are the pure ones? Is there going to be more world building or is this a one time thing for this world?" I have more questions but I'm pretty sure you've answered some if I just keep reading.
I can totally tell this was a spur of the moment, "hey I'll write this!" beginning of a story, but in a good way! There were some parts that I thought were rushed but that's just me. I love a good world set up. I can see that you tried to do this and the parts that you did well in, you did extremely well in. There were a few mistakes. They were mostly grammar mistakes and unclear sentence structures. These things are easily cured by a good dose of proof reading and editing before you post. You could do that yourself or get a Beta to do it.
All in all, it was a good first chapter and I'm looking forward to reading more!
Hi! I like to write long reviews, so sorry for that in advance. ^_^
So, here I am, kinda bored, when I get an alert on my phone (which is where I'm writing this by the way) about someone favoriting me for whatever reason. So I click to see who it is and is turns out to be someone called Jeremy Healing Touch. My intrest has been piqued. I click on this person's profile and, surprise of surprises, they write too. The summary of the story sounds good so I click and read the first chapter. And now here comes the actual review. ^_^
I really like this first chapter. It made me want to know more. I thought to myself, "Whoa! Where are they taking this? Who are the pure ones? Is there going to be more world building or is this a one time thing for this world?" I have more questions but I'm pretty sure you've answered some if I just keep reading.
I can totally tell this was a spur of the moment, "hey I'll write this!" beginning of a story, but in a good way! There were some parts that I thought were rushed but that's just me. I love a good world set up. I can see that you tried to do this and the parts that you did well in, you did extremely well in. There were a few mistakes. They were mostly grammar mistakes and unclear sentence structures. These things are easily cured by a good dose of proof reading and editing before you post. You could do that yourself or get a Beta to do it.
All in all, it was a good first chapter and I'm looking forward to reading more!
6/28/2011 c8 Gin.Faith
Well, i think this is a really awesome story you've got so far. There are a few grammatical errors (I'm sure others have already posted about)
But i really like your imagination. I also love your twist in things. Cliff hangers do suck, but they make you wanting more.
From one writer to another, however, try to make your story a bit more in-depth. Don't focus on the minor things-like in the first couple of chapters. Don't get stuck on taking a shower, all of that stuff. It's blah.
Instead, say things like "I showered in record time, leaving me plenty of time to think about..." blah blah blah. Get it?
In the last couple of chapters, however, it's a bit more well-rounded. And now that the action is starting, i'm sure things will get juicer.
Also, what make a story really good (and wanting readers to read read read) is throwing in twists. The part about the mother and the paranormal was a GREAT twist. Add a bit more of that in the beginning of Erik's adventure at the Academy.
Granted, i think you already knew that. Anyway; have fun writing! Keep the imaginary juices flowin', and bring some really great chapters! :)
Well, i think this is a really awesome story you've got so far. There are a few grammatical errors (I'm sure others have already posted about)
But i really like your imagination. I also love your twist in things. Cliff hangers do suck, but they make you wanting more.
From one writer to another, however, try to make your story a bit more in-depth. Don't focus on the minor things-like in the first couple of chapters. Don't get stuck on taking a shower, all of that stuff. It's blah.
Instead, say things like "I showered in record time, leaving me plenty of time to think about..." blah blah blah. Get it?
In the last couple of chapters, however, it's a bit more well-rounded. And now that the action is starting, i'm sure things will get juicer.
Also, what make a story really good (and wanting readers to read read read) is throwing in twists. The part about the mother and the paranormal was a GREAT twist. Add a bit more of that in the beginning of Erik's adventure at the Academy.
Granted, i think you already knew that. Anyway; have fun writing! Keep the imaginary juices flowin', and bring some really great chapters! :)
6/26/2011 c7 8Goodlife16
Okay, well I lied; THIS was the best chapter yet! I loved the action, and I totally did not expect the bird to be a real person. Awesome chapter! Also, I'm impressed - and thrilled - that you updated twice in one day. Keep up the fast writing, and update again soon!
8Goodlife16Okay, well I lied; THIS was the best chapter yet! I loved the action, and I totally did not expect the bird to be a real person. Awesome chapter! Also, I'm impressed - and thrilled - that you updated twice in one day. Keep up the fast writing, and update again soon!
6/26/2011 c6 Goodlife16
Ahh, that was your best chapter yet! You find out about Erik's past, see some Daniel-Erik action, AND get some supernatural interference. Damn, so good! You better write more real soon, I can't wait to see who found them! Great, great, great chapter :D
Ahh, that was your best chapter yet! You find out about Erik's past, see some Daniel-Erik action, AND get some supernatural interference. Damn, so good! You better write more real soon, I can't wait to see who found them! Great, great, great chapter :D
6/23/2011 c5 Goodlife16
"Guess who, cutie"... favorite line! Ah, that was adorable. And I love the random insertion of a bit of Erik's past. Hopefully you'll explain that soon; I'd love to know the story behind it! Anyway, congrats on a great chapter! I can't wait for the next one!
"Guess who, cutie"... favorite line! Ah, that was adorable. And I love the random insertion of a bit of Erik's past. Hopefully you'll explain that soon; I'd love to know the story behind it! Anyway, congrats on a great chapter! I can't wait for the next one!
6/22/2011 c4 Kyliej
I really like your story! Can not wait for more!
I really like your story! Can not wait for more!
6/22/2011 c4 Goodlife16
Another excellent chapter! I love the "he could make a nun swear" joke. That made me laugh! But I HATE cliffhangers! I my guess is that the person at the end was Daniel. It's either him or some new character that we haven't met yet. But I hope it's him! Ugh, I really wanna know! You better update soon!
Oh, and great new story summary. I love it :D
Another excellent chapter! I love the "he could make a nun swear" joke. That made me laugh! But I HATE cliffhangers! I my guess is that the person at the end was Daniel. It's either him or some new character that we haven't met yet. But I hope it's him! Ugh, I really wanna know! You better update soon!
Oh, and great new story summary. I love it :D
6/22/2011 c3 1R.G. Lynn
(This is Jieun Yesul from ff[dot]net)
Interesting story so far. My only suggestion really is to re-do your story summary; normally, when browsing stories, if I read a summary that says something like "I suck at summarizing," or "better inside, please read," I get turned off and don't bother clicking. Part of writing is being able to condense what you want to say into a few key phrases. So just as a heads up, maybe you'll get some more readers if you can hook them in through the summary. Make them WANT to read it.
I'll be waiting for the next chapter :)
1R.G. Lynn(This is Jieun Yesul from ff[dot]net)
Interesting story so far. My only suggestion really is to re-do your story summary; normally, when browsing stories, if I read a summary that says something like "I suck at summarizing," or "better inside, please read," I get turned off and don't bother clicking. Part of writing is being able to condense what you want to say into a few key phrases. So just as a heads up, maybe you'll get some more readers if you can hook them in through the summary. Make them WANT to read it.
I'll be waiting for the next chapter :)
6/21/2011 c3 8Goodlife16
Aww, this chapter was TOO SHORT! Awesome, of course, but much too short for my liking. I want to read more of it, not less! Haha just kidding, of course. It was another amazing chapter. I didn't think the ending was awkward, but I certainly can't wait to see what you make of that little scene. Anyway, keep up the awesome writing and update soon, please! I'm dying for more :)
8Goodlife16Aww, this chapter was TOO SHORT! Awesome, of course, but much too short for my liking. I want to read more of it, not less! Haha just kidding, of course. It was another amazing chapter. I didn't think the ending was awkward, but I certainly can't wait to see what you make of that little scene. Anyway, keep up the awesome writing and update soon, please! I'm dying for more :)
6/19/2011 c2 3julietta08
Do you remember me!
I have to say, when you asked me to read this story I was a bit wary. But it is really good! I see a lot of potential! :-D
Keep on writing! :)
3julietta08Do you remember me!
I have to say, when you asked me to read this story I was a bit wary. But it is really good! I see a lot of potential! :-D
Keep on writing! :)