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7/8/2013 c7 1Exsomnis
Okay, it's been a ridiculously long time, (sorry about that) but I finally got around to reading this. And I'm glad I did. This is an excellent story. I feel that it is a bit rushed in detail, and with the gaps in the middle of paragraphs it makes it a little choppy to read, but once you get past all that the plot is unique, interesting, the characters are fantastic, and it just makes you want to read more. You did a great job, Flipper. :)
11/1/2012 c7 Guest
Hey I just read all the parts of it. It's pretty amazing, bud.

You dun really get to read characters Stew much. I hope he overcomes his inhibitions and awkwardness soon, but I wouldn't want his innocence to be lost in any way. He's gotta be as sweet later. Looking forward to how this story unfolds with Stew and Starla.

Update soon, will be waiting. (:
11/1/2012 c1 5effervial
Okay, I'll start out with the good and what worked. It's rare to read a story about guys who get rejected often, so the premise isn't one that's been too overdone or cliche in FP. The way you write is clearly honest and it comes off like you write exactly the way it appeared in your head. It's a good style for this kind of fiction. And there's a lot of potential for this story. It's also very easy to read and relatable to many.

Now there are several things that I think you could fix. For one, you tend to tell more than show. Those "(an: ...)" were really bothering me, because it disrupts the flow of my reading. It's like I was imagining Stew driving the car and then BAM, unnecessary info defending his reasons for buying that car when I wasn't judging. If you wanted to include that info, weave it into the story. Also.. your story was broken up into unfinished paragraphs, but I'm not sure if FP messed up the formatting or if it came that way. If it's the latter, then please fix it when you have the time. Also, no offense but Stew doesn't sound like a nerdy guy. He's tanned, blonde and tall with bluish-gray eyes? Sounds like a jock in the making. Maybe that's what you're going for (the geek-to-chic change), but it's making it hard for me to buy the harsh rejection. What I'm saying is, add details that make it more realistic that he's a social leper, like ugly braces or acne all over his face or froggy eyes.

7/23/2012 c6 JJsMommy29
great chapter and so can't wait to see how the rest of Christian's plan respond to Stew and to see what his Dad has for him so keep up the amazing work and so can't wait for more of this story
6/25/2012 c5 JJsMommy29
can't wait to see what happens next so update soon
6/19/2012 c4 JJsMommy29
your doing an amazing job on this story and hope you update soon would love to see how things go for Stew at his new school
6/10/2012 c1 5Author-K-J-Lee
Hey, thanks for the review to my story it's much appreciated. I've been really busy lately with real life but now I'm following through with your request to take a look a some of your stories.

It's quite sad, very typical of school girls but sad all the same. I actually have 3 or 4 male friends who can relate to this story. Relating is key to a good story :).

4/22/2012 c1 2Atreyu Legend
Wow, so I'm assuming you're a guy who wrote this from past experience. I'm hoping that you know stuff like this doesn't happen in most places, in fact people do tend to grow up and mature.

These girls Stew asked out though are terrible people, as a fellow shyish guy I can definitely vouch for the way Stew is feeling. Though I've never experienced an asking out or breaking up experience like any of these. But I did have a girl run away once, looking back now at twenty one its more funny than hurtful. I learned and I'm hoping your character will learn as well as I keep reading that some people are just immature and dumb and feel they must be loud and obnoxious to get a point across. Honestly though after high school you never see these people again, but I'm hoping that your character Stew can be appreciated by a girl rather than humiliated.

As far as the writing and grammar go its good work, I noticed you write very similar to me, fast and lots of description. Ever been to a story before on here where its all dialogue? I hate that, then they ask you in reviews why you have large bodies of text. Maybe because dudes like us like to tell a story instead of writing a script.

But I'm getting off topic, your writing is good there were only a couple times where I had to reread or fill in the blanks. Not many people can write a heartbreaking rejection, now while I didn't cry like your character did, I did feel my stomach sink when Stew asked out the first girl and got verbally harassed all the way to the bathroom. That's a talent in your writing and not everyone can do it. So excellent job man!

Your spelling and punctuation seem pretty good but I'm pretty bad with my own punctuation so my word doesn't mean much.

Again, thanks for the review and you're going on my alerts so you should totally update soon man,

9/20/2011 c1 2Bekahboo97
this is so like total high school :O goodd!
7/9/2011 c3 Danger11
So nice!
6/10/2011 c1 M
Im glad that Stew cryes since it´s actually healthy plus guys have feelings too. There´s a bit confussing at some part at the end b/c it says "he" and then it says "I" but other than that, it´s interesting :)
6/10/2011 c1 Break It Up
Your story has good potential.

But you need to break it up into more segments. It hurts to read it all that close. Also when someone is talking that's a completely different line than the rest of the paragraph.

And when you start a new subject the same rules apply.

The last tip I have is that you can't just state what the characters look like. No book you read goes this is Mark - 6'2 brown hair and ocean blue eyes. You need to do it discreetly in the text somewhere. Like his eyes locked onto her dark brown eyes.

If you fix a few things it'll be better. Good promise though!


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