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for Cecilia

7/18/2011 c2 6Curlysquirt95
Great chapter. :) Hmm, the witch sure doesn't want to let go of Alida. I hope that she manages to escape with Adrian and I hope she gains her memory back eventually. Will Adrian and Alida's appearances be described soon? I hope so. :)
7/18/2011 c1 Curlysquirt95
I really liked how you started off the story-in action. Something's happening, something chaotic and exciting. Almost a little too chaotic if you ask me. But still really good. I feel a little confused though, but I suppose it's only because it's the first chapter, the first taste of your story. Why would a witch burn Cecilia's house? How common are witches? Why is the boy named Lamb? What kingdom are they from? But I'm sure this will all get revealed in time. :) Fantastic start.
7/11/2011 c3 5Victoria Stokes
ah i didn't even realize you'd updated this sorry its been like 2 weeks since you posted it :O

ah, anyway... i really liked this chapter. the children were flacking creepy haha, and you do a really good job describing everything without sight. liked it. and alida's personality is pretty cute. she seems adorable :D

and i love tan ahh3 ovid... he's a jerk. but i kinda like him. we'll see how he goes along :)

don't forget to update soon :D
7/8/2011 c1 jhkuzshcfsehf
Hi! Reviewing you back as promised. :)

What I liked: the atmosphere, the imagery, the story of the frog as a flash-back.

What I liked less: there's a confusion with verb tenses; you sometimes switch from past to present (prefect) in the same sentence. In the beginning, I didn't understand why she would hope to see the door handle, or even how she could tell there were particles floating, if she was locked in a closet. It's very dark in *my* closet. ;)

Also, my general feel was one of slight confusion. Some sentences or paragraphs sound a little awkward, jumping from one thing to another without much clarity. I also had trouble imagining the context. Granted, you introduce your story as a retelling of a fairytale, but many references (and the overall tone?) don't fit with a traditional fairytale setting: playing with father and mother, the clothes rack, as well as the teacher felt like very contemporary/ordinary elements.
7/2/2011 c3 2MyFadedDreams
I always love a good retelling of a classic fairytale. You do a really good job using the five senses (smell, sound, taste, touch, sight) to describe things, especially with the lack of sight since the character is blind. Your descriptions are, for the most part, unique and perfectly fitting for the things they describe.

One thing that bothered me in the second chapter was how she doesn't even suspect that the princess from Aurora kingdom is her. The clues are so obvious, even if she doesn't remember anything-it's still just so obvious and I think either her or Aiden should suspect something. It just makes them seem really ignorant when you throw plain as day clues in there that they still don't get.

At times it was a little unclear what was going on. Sometimes it was because there was no transition, and sometimes it was because you weren't giving us enough information about what's happening or what the character is experiencing.

Your grammar needs work. You're missing periods, misusing commas, using a wrong word, and occasionally using words that aren't even words (eg. Drunken) It was a little distracting.

Some of your sentences are phrased awkwardly or feel a little cumbersome. Try reading things out loud to see how they sound and if it sounds wierd, you probably want to clean it up a little.

I think this is an interesting idea. And you have some potential as a writer. You have a good critical eye, I know, from the review you gave me. Try to apply it to your own work and I think you'll be surprised by how much you improve
6/30/2011 c2 dustin
JUst finished reading chapter two. Should have finished it sooner. I liked the structure of it. I can't read chapter three right now, but the review said she gets teleported somewhere. I wonder where?
6/23/2011 c2 5Victoria Stokes
yay new chapter! *does a happy dance*

days only turning into days because I slept - erm, do you mean days turning into nights?

ah, adrian is very much a sweet talker. haha i found it almost bleck worthy, but in a good way. and alida seems kinda adorable. i LOVE HER HAIR LOL :D

i have no criticism for this, so good job and please update soon :D
6/22/2011 c1 dusty
Hey Monica, good chapter, I liked it. If I had to critique your work, I would say add a point of interest in the middle where she's trapped, because it got a little boring without anything happening, just her reaction.
6/17/2011 c1 Victoria Stokes
ah, how did i end up rereading this when i was writing? and at 2:30 am...

hah i'm really excited for you to write this story! :D so please do write more :D
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