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for For Your Eyes Only

1/6/2012 c1 frouwe
I love their relationship; how they're comfortable around each other because they're obviously used to being around each other. And the fact that she's only genuine around him leaves me think there's hope for unnamed male character.

I particularly liked this line:

"I look like the Little Match Girl after she's been chewed up and spit out by the Cookie Monster."

It's so out there and, while it doesn't give a clear visual of what you mean to say, it's something I doubt she'd say to anyone but him, so it goes perfectly with her next words and the general theme, in my opinion.
6/21/2011 c1 DutchAver
I like how the names of the main characters remain a secret, thereby clarifying how the characters involved can be just about anyone - good job.

I also really like how the two of them seem to have been good friends since elementary school and how he's implied to have a crush on her.

All in all, great one-shot, nicely done!
6/17/2011 c1 Not Me
Ha! This sounds exactly like prepping for a date. The interaction between these two was great. More please. :)
6/17/2011 c1 6Ezekiel Finch
Hello!

I want to thank you for leaving me a review in my story and now I'm going to do the same!

So I first picked out the punctuation errors. These are the easiest to fix but often the hardest to notice.

He scoffs as he reaches across the couch for the remote, but a smirk teases the corners of his lips.

He scoffs as he reaches across the couch for the remote but a smirk teases the corners of his lips.

He leans his head back and stares at the ceiling, because it's probably more interesting than TV anyway.

He leans his head back and stares at the ceiling because it's probably more interesting than TV anyway.

...she mutters as she shuffles down the hall, back towards the bathroom.

...she mutters as she shuffles down the hall and back towards the bathroom.

...she retorts from the bathroom, with a tone that nearly makes him jump.

...she retorts from the bathroom with a tone that nearly makes him jump.

The second thing I noted was this line.

"Because I look like the Little Match Girl after she's been chewed up and spit out by the Cookie Monster,"

This image is a little cluttered. I think you need to go back and try to find something that makes a little more sense visually and thematically. Visually in the sense that you should convey the image with much better phrasing and thematically in the sense that you should have two things that do not have the potential to clash against each other. The little match girl is a tiny poor girl selling matches on christmas eve while the cookie monster chews cookies. To me it doesn't really make sense and I'm not sure what I should be looking at. Go back and try to find what you want us readers to see and then put it down on the page. I think you wanted to be funny but the joke eludes the readers because it's just too visually complicated and clashes thematically.

If you want reviews like this, the extremely helpful kind, come over to the Review Game! There's a bunch of people who are really nice, who will give you a neat nickname, and of course plus awesome reviews!

Thank you again for reviewing my story!

Ezekiel Finch
6/17/2011 c1 4A. J. Manders
ooo I like that! There is the unexpectedness of the "friend" who wasn't her date at all, and the emotion you can feel from the male character who obviously has emotions for her. A nice one shot. :)
6/17/2011 c1 SometimesG
Love the one -shot.

You kept it hanging... will they continue to remain friends?
6/17/2011 c1 4Fedorable
The summary made me laugh out loud. That seems like a weird comment to make but amongst all of the boring, personality-free summaries this stood out and made me think, "Huh, I'll bet this story is interesting." So I was impressed from the start.

I really like your writing style. It's very unique and makes for a nice read. I'll have to check out some of your other stuff too. :)
6/17/2011 c1 2Jordan Baines
I think this is the most perfect one-shot friendship piece I've ever read. You've captured how the friendship between these two is life-long and steady and seems to be able to weather a lot of ups and downs.

It's kind of cute how he looks out for her, knows her, and will be there when the heartbreaks (from other guys) start. He seems strong, but overlooked.

I know this is a one-shot, but there are so many possibilities for this to be a jumping off place for a really good longer story...

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