for Come Hell or High Water7/16/2012 c13 Project Fiction
My name is Ariel and I’m part of ProjectFiction’s staff. PF is a site that looks for, and recognizes, good fiction around the web. We link to stories (and take nominations from authors and readers out there), look for betas, put up writing guides, and a lot of other cool things. What do I do there? Well, I work in PF as a reviewer, basically going around picking stories to read and, obviously, review. Your story Come Hell or High Water is one of them. Hopefully, the feedback I can give you will be of use to you.
Character interaction depends on the character's themselves. As a reader, you have to get an idea of the character's personalities to justify their interactions with each other, but I think you've got the basic concept of it.
Although, I think James could give us some more reasons why he does a few things. Like why he gives Cordelia a ride, starts to smoke the cigarette in his pocket or why he doesn't go with the girls to go skinny dipping. Validating his actions (this includes dialogue) makes a character more realistic. Was it spontaneous? Did he know it was a bad idea, but was too curious? Did he just not care? Was he stressed? Tired? Or wasn't in the mood? Be sure to watch out for unanswered questions like that. When you proofread, ask yourself "Why did he do that?" "Why are these characters acting like this?" or just "Why?" It's a good technique to use when you're not sure your character's actions are justified.
Other than that, the flow of their conversations are smooth and balanced. Nothing too sketchy that makes a reader question their realistic quality. You're on the right track, just be sure to give a few more reason for James' actions by telling us his thoughts. This concept can be applied to other characters as well, but by their facial and body language, which you do a pretty good job at. Especially with Cordelia. You can definitely see her attitude by describing her attitude.
On other note, I love the first chapter! It was very interesting to read a news report. It's a good way to change things up and gain people's attention while giving them a different point of view to read about. I also like that you write in a point of view of someone other than the victims. It's a nice touch and leaves the readers thinking, "What really happened to the girls?"
I'm also impressed that the you keep the mystery a little after Cordelia shows up. You don't just reveal it as soon as she does. No. Instead you give us a glimpse of who she is and how she's changed from James' perspective. Not only is this a nice touch to keep the reader's attention, but you're also giving us more of idea of who your characters are, which makes them realistic.
I hope that helped!
Ariel
My name is Ariel and I’m part of ProjectFiction’s staff. PF is a site that looks for, and recognizes, good fiction around the web. We link to stories (and take nominations from authors and readers out there), look for betas, put up writing guides, and a lot of other cool things. What do I do there? Well, I work in PF as a reviewer, basically going around picking stories to read and, obviously, review. Your story Come Hell or High Water is one of them. Hopefully, the feedback I can give you will be of use to you.
Character interaction depends on the character's themselves. As a reader, you have to get an idea of the character's personalities to justify their interactions with each other, but I think you've got the basic concept of it.
Although, I think James could give us some more reasons why he does a few things. Like why he gives Cordelia a ride, starts to smoke the cigarette in his pocket or why he doesn't go with the girls to go skinny dipping. Validating his actions (this includes dialogue) makes a character more realistic. Was it spontaneous? Did he know it was a bad idea, but was too curious? Did he just not care? Was he stressed? Tired? Or wasn't in the mood? Be sure to watch out for unanswered questions like that. When you proofread, ask yourself "Why did he do that?" "Why are these characters acting like this?" or just "Why?" It's a good technique to use when you're not sure your character's actions are justified.
Other than that, the flow of their conversations are smooth and balanced. Nothing too sketchy that makes a reader question their realistic quality. You're on the right track, just be sure to give a few more reason for James' actions by telling us his thoughts. This concept can be applied to other characters as well, but by their facial and body language, which you do a pretty good job at. Especially with Cordelia. You can definitely see her attitude by describing her attitude.
On other note, I love the first chapter! It was very interesting to read a news report. It's a good way to change things up and gain people's attention while giving them a different point of view to read about. I also like that you write in a point of view of someone other than the victims. It's a nice touch and leaves the readers thinking, "What really happened to the girls?"
I'm also impressed that the you keep the mystery a little after Cordelia shows up. You don't just reveal it as soon as she does. No. Instead you give us a glimpse of who she is and how she's changed from James' perspective. Not only is this a nice touch to keep the reader's attention, but you're also giving us more of idea of who your characters are, which makes them realistic.
I hope that helped!
Ariel
10/9/2011 c1 gulistala
Oooh this sounds really interesting with a healthy dose of foreboding! =D
Must read on!
Oooh this sounds really interesting with a healthy dose of foreboding! =D
Must read on!
10/3/2011 c12 LeepingLy
Thank God you posted. This is getting me through my three hour gap. But I'm not going to get into that.
Great cliffhangers. I'm so glad the story's progressing at a faster rate. I feel like you're rushing James' feelings towards Cordelia. It's a bit abrupt since he hated her, like, yesterday.
Looking forward to reading more. Seriously. I'm on campus with nothing else to do until my next class.
Thank God you posted. This is getting me through my three hour gap. But I'm not going to get into that.
Great cliffhangers. I'm so glad the story's progressing at a faster rate. I feel like you're rushing James' feelings towards Cordelia. It's a bit abrupt since he hated her, like, yesterday.
Looking forward to reading more. Seriously. I'm on campus with nothing else to do until my next class.
10/1/2011 c9 LeepingLy
Ecstatic to see two chapters up on the same day.
The story's build-up's alright, but it's a bit slow. Maybe if you condensed chapters or made them longer, it'd be at a better pace.
I'm so eager to read more chapters, so please post more soon!
-Ly
Ecstatic to see two chapters up on the same day.
The story's build-up's alright, but it's a bit slow. Maybe if you condensed chapters or made them longer, it'd be at a better pace.
I'm so eager to read more chapters, so please post more soon!
-Ly
7/5/2011 c5 LeepingLy
I like how you're really working at developing the characters so that the readers can eventually understand them. A lot of amateur writers neglect to give their characters depth, which ultimately becomes the story's downfall. But of course, not a lot of readers on this site notice that, because all they need is an acceptable storyline with a sarcastic female protagonist and her bad boy/enemy.
The storyline is a bit convoluted, but I guess it should be seeing as you've only written five chapters.
I look forward to reading more. Please post some, like, this week. Because I really have nothing else to look forward to.
-Ly
I like how you're really working at developing the characters so that the readers can eventually understand them. A lot of amateur writers neglect to give their characters depth, which ultimately becomes the story's downfall. But of course, not a lot of readers on this site notice that, because all they need is an acceptable storyline with a sarcastic female protagonist and her bad boy/enemy.
The storyline is a bit convoluted, but I guess it should be seeing as you've only written five chapters.
I look forward to reading more. Please post some, like, this week. Because I really have nothing else to look forward to.
-Ly
6/21/2011 c2 
10Koki Enwai
Wow, this narrator is really a character. Is it James? Oh, and I like how you worked the title into this chapter.
10Koki EnwaiWow, this narrator is really a character. Is it James? Oh, and I like how you worked the title into this chapter.