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for Militia

6/29/2011 c1 Diashi
Hello there, I read your first chapter and your story intrigues me. My only suggestion would be to have waited longer to reveal that Dara and Gregor's fight was a simulation. Always look for opportunities to surprise and create suspense. Rather than stating from the beginning that Dara and Gregor's fight is not actually life-threatening, portray it as being so. Imagine the reader's surprise when Dara is seemingly "killed" by her best friend, only to realize that the fight is actually a simulation. Surprises like these are great ways to "hook" the reader into your story, and will give an extra zing to your already well written chapter. Looking forward to reading more.

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