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for The Bullied

1/14/2016 c6 3herondalechick123
Please update! I miss this story and really really want to know what happens next after she initiates the meet up .
12/5/2015 c11 10Be My Valentine
"Hey, Emmeline?" whispered Jace, "can I ask a really random question right now?"
*bites knuckles - don't do it, Vera! don't do it*
I can't help myself, I'm sorry.

"Hey, Emmeline?" whispered Jace. "Can I ask a really random question right now?"
*curls up and sobs in a ball*

"Hey, Emmeline," whispered Jace, "can I ask a really random question right now?"
...is permissible! It's the question mark that did you in, I'm afraid. Like a full-stop, and exclamation mark - it goes at the end of a sentence. Ergo, "Hey, Emmeline?" is a sentence!
*curls up and sobs some more*

What has come of my life?
To compensenate, I'm going to make spelling mistakes, graammar mistakes and punctuation mistakes whereever I can - and you know what? I DON'T CARE! Life is too short to be worrying about this shit. Which is why I never place a beady eye over my own work - WOULD DRIVE ME MAD!

Update soon, I see such goodness in your work, it would be a shame if you never finished! Merry xmas btw! I know I'm like 2 weeks early, BUT I DON'T GIVE A DAMN. Giving a damn makes my head hurt.

Goodbye talented writer, till next time *flys away*
(and yes, I'm aware that should be flies)
12/5/2015 c10 Be My Valentine
Threatening to assault her. Nice. You know - call me crazy - but in the 10 chapters I've read so far, I don't see Roman as dark. I see him as a little boy playing with a little toy. He harasses her. Stalks her to a point. Gives her forced kisses, which Emmeline seems to anticipate and dread all at once! Is he a bully? Most definitely. Is he a scary bully? Not for me. He is almost...juvenile.

Now, I know you said you were writing a mature angle.
I don't dispute that.
Your writing is mature. Your characters...are fitting for their age. And that's exactly how it should be. Don't change a thing, and continue exactly how you are.
12/5/2015 c8 Be My Valentine
Still getting D/H vibes. Aarrgh. Love it though.
Love reading Roman's little POV at the beginning of each chapter. I don't know how I'd actually feel about dual narration though. Either I love it or despise it. No in-between. Don't ask me how well you're doing on grammar. I think you started this in 2011, so clearly there's a difference and evolution in your writing. It's subtle - but it's there. I think you're doing okay. I refuse to take a deeper look, because it will ruin how much I'm being entertained right now.

But..don't hold me to this...
If you were B plus before, I think you are A plus now *winks*
12/5/2015 c6 Be My Valentine
After you mentioned Draco/Hermione, I can't help seeing so many parallels in this story. I've read a lot of D/H fanfiction, where Draco whiplashes a hand out of nowhere, and drags poor Hermione into a classroom to have his wicked way with her :D Again your story is giving my nostalgic flashbacks - and it really is written well! You haven't updated since August...I despair why, because you should be showering us with goodness all the time :D
12/5/2015 c5 Be My Valentine
Girl. You have credible talent. You may update sporadically, but you WILL update this in the future. Just know it! :D
By Roman's admissions, he just started singling Emmeline out...just because? Interesting.
12/5/2015 c4 Be My Valentine
Excellent chapter. Loved it. You have a way with words.
I used to be a huge Draco/Hermione shipper too. HUGE.
I miss those times :)
12/5/2015 c2 Be My Valentine
Okay this is my last bit of advice, promise.
(I am not a natural beta. Unless I'm being paid - which I'm not the majority of time, or ever at all - so it's boring as fuck being pedantic.)

Avoid the adverbs.
I just notice you do it. A lot.
Particularly adverbs that end in -ly. Just don't go there. In chapter 3, I'll re-quote you:

"Funny, I thought nerds kept to themselves but I've seen you hanging around Gibbs and Wilson a lot," he paused here momentarily and lifted his interlaced hands so they partially covered the smile he suddenly wore, "so tell us Emmeline, has your cherry been popped yet?"

Momentarily - adverb. Keep it. But remove the here. Redundant. Or keep the here, and remove momentarily.
partially - adverb. Remove it or change positioning in sentence.
Suddenly - adverb. Worse one. Remove it, remove it, remove it!

Better frame,

- he paused momentarily and lifted his hands to cover the smile he partially wore

or there are other ways, play around with it.

Use adverbs sparing-ly (haha!)

So these are my targets for you:
1) Limit pleonasm
2) Reconsider adverbs and when to use them
3) Sound knowledge of punctuating dialogue. Just pay a little more attention to it sometimes!

From hereby out, I, Be My Valentine, declare myself completely devoid of fucks. I no longer care, or give a fuck about grammar. From hereby out, I will fully focus on the plot and characters - you know the important stuff! :) Because you are a good writer, and I can tell you have a great story to tell.
12/5/2015 c3 Be My Valentine
"Aw Bollywood, you know I'm just joking around. Last place is fun too. Come on, I'll buy you a consolation cookie," Reid held out his hand which Aya reluctantly took as she stood up, "does anyone else want anything?"

I blame myself entirely. I've been searching up how to punctuate dialogue and now I can't stop noticing how other people frame theirs. Commas should only be used in conjunction with dialogue tags.

Such as:

"I'm happy," he said.
"Are you?" asked Simone.
He protested, "Of course."
"I don't believe you," dismissed Simone.

This is a big no-no:

"God! You interfere too much" he stood up.
"It's because I care," Simone also stood up.
"For your own self-interests maybe," he signaled for the waiter.

It should be:

"God! You interfere too much." He stood up.
"It's because I care." Simone also stood up.
"For your own self-interests maybe." He signaled for the waiter.

If the characters are doing action, don't use commas to break up dialogue. Finish it with a period, question mark or exclamation mark. OR, you could use dashes. However if there is a dialogue tag and it's linked with an action, it's fine. Later on in the chapter, you say:

"Funny, I thought nerds kept to themselves but I've seen you hanging around Gibbs and Wilson a lot," he paused here momentarily and lifted his interlaced hands so they partially covered the smile he suddenly wore, "so tell us Emmeline, has your cherry been popped yet?"

This is a structurally sound paragraph. "Paused" is the dialogue tag, as it indicates a pause in speech, and so the action can be linked, and dialogue can be started up again in lowercase, after a comma. Well-done.

Even later still,

"Better watch yourself. I'll bet she bites." Roman added.
Added is considered a dialogue tag, so it's fine to punctuate like this: "Better watch yourself. I'll bet she bites," Roman added.
Also, 'I'll' is a useless contraction.
Say it out in full.
"Better watch yourself. I will bet she bites."
There is no use expressing the future tense.
"Better watch yourself. I bet she bites -" is even better!

Okay, lesson over! :)
Nice chapter.
12/2/2015 c1 Be My Valentine
The title and summary had me prepared.
But this chapter did not push any bullies forward, except maybe Courtney, and even then she is marginalizing Emmeline, by diminishing her character with just a sentence - but then everybody stood up for her and it was great! Jace was great. Aya was great. Samuel too. And dare I say it...Roman?

I like your writing style. It's easy to read, punctuated very well and overall pleasant.
You tend to favor pleonasm.
Eg: "Having gym next period...I rushed to my next period class and as I walked into second period Grade ten history"
The beginning to middle of the chapter could be tightened up, purely by taking out redundant facts (you know... stuff you've already mentioned once), but by the end, I was really sold on your writing style, particularly dialogue.

Also, once or twice, dialogue was wrongly punctuated.
It should be:
"I didn't know what to write," she said slowly. (You placed a period, then capitalized she.)
"Emmeline is a pro at internet Solitaire," she said fiercely (again you placed a period, and capitalized the pronoun.)

B
12/1/2015 c1 3herondalechick123
I'm rereading this story again because I really miss it and have been looking all over this website for ones that are similar to it, but anyways I was just realizing how much I just miss Roman and his darkness. To be honest, while I do love romances and all those fluffy stories, I just think most writing sites are just saturated with them to the point where they're just so cliche and boring. It's just something about Roman and how unpredictable he is and how much I personally want to figure out his next moves that makes this story and his character all the more appealing to me. I've been trying to read through your favorite stories and have found some good ones too but nothing that holds a candle to this. Plus I must also admit that I as well love the dynamics between Hermione and Draco even if they aren't really cannon.
Well anyways i just hope you have the time and inspiration to continue this story because while I do wish that this story were complete, I just hope that you don't feel too rushed to finish it that you make a quick resolution in the end that wasn't what you might've intended when you first write this story. The thing I love about this story most is the character complexity and I just hope you maintain that while you write the next chapters. :)
11/12/2015 c11 Noodles
If Roman is not suppose to get within 2 metres of Emmeline at all times, why isn't there a teacher or staff member accompanying her at all times on school grounds? Because adults should know better than to rely on the word of a misbehaving teenager. Also even if the sexual act was consensual, teachers don't want that happening on school grounds so they would be contacting there parents regardless about their behaviour or having them suspended. Is their incompetence intentional?

Speaking about parents, why has Emmeline not told her parents about the fact she's being bullied? I mean she would know Roman's authority over her is mostly locked on school grounds. Also wouldn't they have noticed thing amiss with their daughter and ask? Or snoop about? Is she not that close with them? Has she told them that she was being bullied in a previous situation but they dismissed it? Are they not around the house a lot? Do they just not care?

And with they way you portray Roman, are we really to root for this guy and his victim to get together cause he's hot? I'm just really hoping that you won't portray those two in the end as a happy healthy couple.
11/4/2015 c11 SkipperCal3
This is why I love Angst and romance together!
I am very intrigued by Roman's character. Could it be because of his severe obsession with making Em feel inferior? His jealous streak would be marvelous to see!
okay wait.. now I sound like sadist :!
The way you space each chapter between the years depending on the incident is really cool.

Please update soon.
I have complete faith in you that you will not abandon this story.
P.S- I like Jace alot! (not really sure why though)
9/30/2015 c11 waiting4today
Thank your for updating! I'm at the edge of my seat after reading Roman's POV in the beginning of the chapter. I'm curious about the change in Emmeline and how it will manifest in the later chapters. I felt like slapping my forehead and shaking her when she gave her cellphone number and class schedule to Roman. Then again, a young girl who's in a situation like this may feel trapped and feels like the only way to make things easier is to go with what the bully says. Emmeline was a timid, obedient and submissive girl to begin with, and coupled with her innocence, it wouldn't be too hard to imagine that she'll do whatever Roman says. She doesn't know how to stand up for herself yet, and she just complies with his demands, knowing the cruelty that Roman is capable of inflicting on her.

Although I got a little impatient with Emmeline in this chapter, one scene really stood out here: Roman standing in front of her desk in a classroom with other kids around. I could imagine that scene being played out in a movie or on TV, and the imagery sends a shiver through my spine. Then Roman just nonchalantly says that her desk was his desk, too... That's really chilling. No wonder she subconsciously hit the "send" button on her phone.

Your writing of Emmeline's thoughts and feelings have been pretty much on point. I'm just curious about Roman, though. His motivations behind his sexual advances on Emmeline are kind of intriguing. We know that he hates her to a certain extent, yet he's still attracted to her. I hope you could somehow expound more on his own conflicting feelings and describe what he actually feels when he's making advances on her. It makes me wonder why he keeps coming back for more. I feel that it would help us understand him and get a clearer picture of this "thing" going on between him and Emmeline, since we already know how she feels about it.
9/17/2015 c1 ididshank
How I love this story. Thank you for updating. I may not always review but I do read and reread everything. Lol.
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