for Nameless7/27/2012 c17 
13TammyHybrid21
Man I'm so sorry about missing the update but you know how real life can be sometimes and it just caught me off guard sorry. Nice update and this chapter had some great background information as did the last one.
13TammyHybrid21Man I'm so sorry about missing the update but you know how real life can be sometimes and it just caught me off guard sorry. Nice update and this chapter had some great background information as did the last one.
7/13/2012 c7 TinfoilKnight
[... 's an original, and she's to report directly to you."] Missing a space here.
I like that you chose to reveal the situation through viewpionts other than MC's before using his - for a while I thought maybe he was dead. D: Certainly added some suspense there...
[Then, it clicked.] I ran into trouble right after this sentence. It seems like the following sentence is from MC's point of view, but I couldn't tell at first, so I was pretty confused. Maybe it would be better if you marked it? Even just one of those horizontal line things or a line of symbols could help warn readers.
[... 's an original, and she's to report directly to you."] Missing a space here.
I like that you chose to reveal the situation through viewpionts other than MC's before using his - for a while I thought maybe he was dead. D: Certainly added some suspense there...
[Then, it clicked.] I ran into trouble right after this sentence. It seems like the following sentence is from MC's point of view, but I couldn't tell at first, so I was pretty confused. Maybe it would be better if you marked it? Even just one of those horizontal line things or a line of symbols could help warn readers.
7/13/2012 c6 Guest
The other scribes seem very shallow in this chapter. They don't really have any personality, they're just flat bully stereotypes. And why would the gaurds allow them to just fight like that? If one of them gets seriously hurt, won't that cost them a lab rat?
[Second, every light in the room went dark as the cafeteria lost all power.] I really like this line, for some reason. XD I can't stop imagining a bunch of scientists standing in a darkened room. "Why's the power out?" "Oh, sorry, I gave a kid superpowers. He must've blown out the power system or something with them. At least he isn't swinging on webs all over the place, like that one that got bit by the radioactive spider..."
The other scribes seem very shallow in this chapter. They don't really have any personality, they're just flat bully stereotypes. And why would the gaurds allow them to just fight like that? If one of them gets seriously hurt, won't that cost them a lab rat?
[Second, every light in the room went dark as the cafeteria lost all power.] I really like this line, for some reason. XD I can't stop imagining a bunch of scientists standing in a darkened room. "Why's the power out?" "Oh, sorry, I gave a kid superpowers. He must've blown out the power system or something with them. At least he isn't swinging on webs all over the place, like that one that got bit by the radioactive spider..."
7/13/2012 c5 TinfoilKnight
The way Owen calls him 'young one' is starting to grate on my nerves a little. In real life it would sound so patronizing... I can't imagine anybody saying it as a term of endearment without sounding completely conceited. D:
Other than that, though, I like the dialogue between him and Owen. It gives some important details about the facility, and helps develop the setting.
The way Owen calls him 'young one' is starting to grate on my nerves a little. In real life it would sound so patronizing... I can't imagine anybody saying it as a term of endearment without sounding completely conceited. D:
Other than that, though, I like the dialogue between him and Owen. It gives some important details about the facility, and helps develop the setting.
7/13/2012 c4 TinfoilKnight
The description of Owen's nice. It's very detailed, and I can picture him clearly.
[MC soon lost track of time, and thus lost track of when his next appointment with Owen was. Was it tomorrow? The next day?] I like this line, it shows the monotony of his life. It make sme feel sorry for him because his life has no meaning.
The description of Owen's nice. It's very detailed, and I can picture him clearly.
[MC soon lost track of time, and thus lost track of when his next appointment with Owen was. Was it tomorrow? The next day?] I like this line, it shows the monotony of his life. It make sme feel sorry for him because his life has no meaning.
7/13/2012 c3 TinfoilKnight
[It was hideously swollen, misshapen, and turning colors that MC did not believe he could name even if he was still gassed.] I love his obsession with naming colors. It's rather endearing, it makes me like him more. :)
I think the woman's accent is a bit excessive. I'd rather you just say she's got one and leave it at that, the dialect's a little distracting. Besides, you kind of have to be careful with dialect - handled wrong, it can become offensive. :P
[It was hideously swollen, misshapen, and turning colors that MC did not believe he could name even if he was still gassed.] I love his obsession with naming colors. It's rather endearing, it makes me like him more. :)
I think the woman's accent is a bit excessive. I'd rather you just say she's got one and leave it at that, the dialect's a little distracting. Besides, you kind of have to be careful with dialect - handled wrong, it can become offensive. :P
7/13/2012 c2 TinfoilKnight
[He was a quiet boy, nervous and shy. He had a conciliatory personality that led the Attendants, the heartless scientists and jailers who ran this place, to walk all over him even more than the average Scribe. He never spoke up and had to muster up his courage to even get out of bed.] I don't think this is very realistic - who wakes up in the morning and immeadiately thinks, "I'm a spineless person with no backbone! And my favorite color is blue" without any sort of trigger? Hell, if I woke up in a tube, the first thing I'd think of would be food.
I think the beatdown in this scene is a bit too much. I mean, we've barely met this character, and already you're forcing us to feel sorry for him in this scene. It's a little hard to muster up sympathy for a character who you know nothing about. Abuse is best served subtle in early chapters, otherwise it's just too much.
[He was a quiet boy, nervous and shy. He had a conciliatory personality that led the Attendants, the heartless scientists and jailers who ran this place, to walk all over him even more than the average Scribe. He never spoke up and had to muster up his courage to even get out of bed.] I don't think this is very realistic - who wakes up in the morning and immeadiately thinks, "I'm a spineless person with no backbone! And my favorite color is blue" without any sort of trigger? Hell, if I woke up in a tube, the first thing I'd think of would be food.
I think the beatdown in this scene is a bit too much. I mean, we've barely met this character, and already you're forcing us to feel sorry for him in this scene. It's a little hard to muster up sympathy for a character who you know nothing about. Abuse is best served subtle in early chapters, otherwise it's just too much.
7/13/2012 c1 TinfoilKnight
HULLO FROM THE REVIEW MARATHON LINK IN MY PROFILE JWNJDIBLEWILHDQEBOHIerb
No a fan of the whole dream sequence thing - it's been done before quite a bit, and you want your first chapter to stand out. A dream sequence isn't going to stand out in your readers' minds.
[Pretty color, the boy noted foggily as his consciousness waned, lavender, or perhaps lilac.] I like this detail, it's funny and realistic. Your brain does weird stuff right before you fall asleep...
HULLO FROM THE REVIEW MARATHON LINK IN MY PROFILE JWNJDIBLEWILHDQEBOHIerb
No a fan of the whole dream sequence thing - it's been done before quite a bit, and you want your first chapter to stand out. A dream sequence isn't going to stand out in your readers' minds.
[Pretty color, the boy noted foggily as his consciousness waned, lavender, or perhaps lilac.] I like this detail, it's funny and realistic. Your brain does weird stuff right before you fall asleep...
7/13/2012 c16 Lolitroy
Woow this story's one of the best things I've read here O.O loooooooooved it.
I really like your protagonist .. Wow I thought for a moment that Dr. Malcolm was MC's dadda, especially when the girl spoke to MC cuz I thought she was the wife but I see I was wrong...
I'm gonna favorite this haha so update soon
Woow this story's one of the best things I've read here O.O loooooooooved it.
I really like your protagonist .. Wow I thought for a moment that Dr. Malcolm was MC's dadda, especially when the girl spoke to MC cuz I thought she was the wife but I see I was wrong...
I'm gonna favorite this haha so update soon
6/29/2012 c15 13TammyHybrid21
OMG this going to be big and lots of trouble is going to come up I know that girl was sneaky and evil how dare she trick Malcolm.
I hate tricksters but they always make stories more interesting can't wait to see what happens next in this story.
13TammyHybrid21OMG this going to be big and lots of trouble is going to come up I know that girl was sneaky and evil how dare she trick Malcolm.
I hate tricksters but they always make stories more interesting can't wait to see what happens next in this story.
6/14/2012 c4 18CarinaHelix
I'm only on Chapter 4, but I just want to say that I'm thoroughly enjoying this. The way you present the Attendants' attitude towards the Scribes is excellent, and it's really hard to fault you for ANYTHING!
18CarinaHelixI'm only on Chapter 4, but I just want to say that I'm thoroughly enjoying this. The way you present the Attendants' attitude towards the Scribes is excellent, and it's really hard to fault you for ANYTHING!
6/6/2012 c1 MalinKris
I haven't gotten a good chance to read for awhile I caught up on the last two chapters during my lunch break today and all I have to say is WOW! The story is getting so interesting. When doctor killed the medic I didn't even see it coming! It was so well planned and written. I'm dying to know what happens next! :] please update soon! (i definitely won't fall behind now it's to good to!) thanks!
I haven't gotten a good chance to read for awhile I caught up on the last two chapters during my lunch break today and all I have to say is WOW! The story is getting so interesting. When doctor killed the medic I didn't even see it coming! It was so well planned and written. I'm dying to know what happens next! :] please update soon! (i definitely won't fall behind now it's to good to!) thanks!
5/31/2012 c14 13TammyHybrid21
Sorry about taking my sweet time to review this but life caught up to me. *rubs back of head sheepishly* I was planning on checking as often as I could but well...
I enjoyed the way you expressed their emotions and delved into their thoughts. I was a little bit freaked out when Malcom killed the medic but I could understand his reasoning behind it. I like the way Melanie got a bright idea and reassured him that if it did get him killed that they'd both be dead.
I honestly can't wait to see what will happen next and how it plays out. Good Luck Ronixis.
13TammyHybrid21Sorry about taking my sweet time to review this but life caught up to me. *rubs back of head sheepishly* I was planning on checking as often as I could but well...
I enjoyed the way you expressed their emotions and delved into their thoughts. I was a little bit freaked out when Malcom killed the medic but I could understand his reasoning behind it. I like the way Melanie got a bright idea and reassured him that if it did get him killed that they'd both be dead.
I honestly can't wait to see what will happen next and how it plays out. Good Luck Ronixis.
5/16/2012 c1 3Stellar Eclipse
I still haven't reviewed this yet, so here goes:
I think this story is really good. You managed to grab my attention and it has remained interesting throughout as well as being well-written, in my opinion. So keep it up, I will be looking forward to more!
3Stellar EclipseI still haven't reviewed this yet, so here goes:
I think this story is really good. You managed to grab my attention and it has remained interesting throughout as well as being well-written, in my opinion. So keep it up, I will be looking forward to more!