for Adrenaline9/18/2011 c3 
99Dreamers-Requiem
I sometimes feel that she tries too hard to be a bad-ass or a bitch; at certain points, it just feels forced. Other than that, I liked seeing the different people involved in her life, and I think you did a good job of introducing the boy at the end. There were a few things I noticed; at the end of speech, you should have a comma (if it's followed by a speech tag) or a full-stop. So the 'ring' at the start should have a speech mark. Also, watch out for slipping into present tense; [or why I'm in the living room rather than my own bed.] might read better as (or why I was in the living room...) Similarly, [If I didn't answer it he would automatically think I'm up to something that I shouldn't be] could be (If I didn't answer, he would automatically think I was up to something.) I think you could drop the 'that I shouldn't be', there. There are a few more things like that but, again, a quick glance through and you should be able to catch them for yourself.
99Dreamers-RequiemI sometimes feel that she tries too hard to be a bad-ass or a bitch; at certain points, it just feels forced. Other than that, I liked seeing the different people involved in her life, and I think you did a good job of introducing the boy at the end. There were a few things I noticed; at the end of speech, you should have a comma (if it's followed by a speech tag) or a full-stop. So the 'ring' at the start should have a speech mark. Also, watch out for slipping into present tense; [or why I'm in the living room rather than my own bed.] might read better as (or why I was in the living room...) Similarly, [If I didn't answer it he would automatically think I'm up to something that I shouldn't be] could be (If I didn't answer, he would automatically think I was up to something.) I think you could drop the 'that I shouldn't be', there. There are a few more things like that but, again, a quick glance through and you should be able to catch them for yourself.
8/31/2011 c3 jamie
Wow...this is really interesting so far. I REALLY hope you continue!
Wow...this is really interesting so far. I REALLY hope you continue!
8/12/2011 c3 Nicole Rayne
I love this. You have such refreshing, original characters and the plot so far seems great. Can't wait to read more because you are off to a really good start. Random comment- I'm Argentinian so when I read that the gas station guy was I got really happy :D
I love this. You have such refreshing, original characters and the plot so far seems great. Can't wait to read more because you are off to a really good start. Random comment- I'm Argentinian so when I read that the gas station guy was I got really happy :D
8/10/2011 c2 Dreamers-Requiem
An interesting chapter and I think you do a really good job of showing us more of her personality and what she's like, so good job with that. However, I did notice two things; firstly, there were a lot of instances where I don't think you need to split the paragraphs. So the first and second paragraph, for example, could just be one. As could a few others where both paragraphs start with her speaking. As well as this, I noticed some awkward sounding sentences. Lines such as [It's the truth that I heard it was beautiful and I did actually want to go there some day.] which could be something like "It's the truth; I did hear that it was beautiful, and I did want to go there, some day." Another example is [The taste of smoke on my tongue was soothing and relaxing. My warm exhale the only thing shielding me from the full effects of the wind.] I think, personally, you could take the second sentence out completly; smoking doesn't help shield you from the wind. As a smoker myself, I know that the most likely thing to happen is that the smoke is blown back into your eyes. It doesn't keep you warmer. There were some other awkward sentences but I think if you did a quick read-through, you could pick them out yourself. Anyway, other than that, like I said it was an interesting chapter and I look forward to seeing more from you.
An interesting chapter and I think you do a really good job of showing us more of her personality and what she's like, so good job with that. However, I did notice two things; firstly, there were a lot of instances where I don't think you need to split the paragraphs. So the first and second paragraph, for example, could just be one. As could a few others where both paragraphs start with her speaking. As well as this, I noticed some awkward sounding sentences. Lines such as [It's the truth that I heard it was beautiful and I did actually want to go there some day.] which could be something like "It's the truth; I did hear that it was beautiful, and I did want to go there, some day." Another example is [The taste of smoke on my tongue was soothing and relaxing. My warm exhale the only thing shielding me from the full effects of the wind.] I think, personally, you could take the second sentence out completly; smoking doesn't help shield you from the wind. As a smoker myself, I know that the most likely thing to happen is that the smoke is blown back into your eyes. It doesn't keep you warmer. There were some other awkward sentences but I think if you did a quick read-through, you could pick them out yourself. Anyway, other than that, like I said it was an interesting chapter and I look forward to seeing more from you.
7/31/2011 c2 Adrian
This seems really interesting, I would really like to see what happens next. Your Prologue was amazing by the way :)
This seems really interesting, I would really like to see what happens next. Your Prologue was amazing by the way :)
7/30/2011 c1 Dreamers-Requiem
You have a really good prologue here; the descriptions are well done, creating a vivd picture, and I like the silent communication between her and the boy. Nicely done. I did notice a type - [a minuet ago] (minute) and this sentence [His grey eyes looked me over as he blew the smoke from his lips. I finally took my eyes away from his to look him over as he was doing me, there were other cigarettes burnt to the bud on the floor scattered around him. Showing how long he'd been there.] feels a bit awkward to me. Maybe "His grey eyes looked me over as he blew the smoke from his lips. I finally took my eyes away from him to look him over as he was doing me. There were other cigarettes burnt to the bud on the floor, scattered around him, showing how long he'd been there." Anyway, other than that, a really good start and I'm eager to read the next chapter, when I get the chance.
You have a really good prologue here; the descriptions are well done, creating a vivd picture, and I like the silent communication between her and the boy. Nicely done. I did notice a type - [a minuet ago] (minute) and this sentence [His grey eyes looked me over as he blew the smoke from his lips. I finally took my eyes away from his to look him over as he was doing me, there were other cigarettes burnt to the bud on the floor scattered around him. Showing how long he'd been there.] feels a bit awkward to me. Maybe "His grey eyes looked me over as he blew the smoke from his lips. I finally took my eyes away from him to look him over as he was doing me. There were other cigarettes burnt to the bud on the floor, scattered around him, showing how long he'd been there." Anyway, other than that, a really good start and I'm eager to read the next chapter, when I get the chance.
7/22/2011 c2 Amy
Wow this seems really good so far, I don't know why you don't have more reviews. I hope it doesn't discourage you!
I really like it, keep writing it! :)
Wow this seems really good so far, I don't know why you don't have more reviews. I hope it doesn't discourage you!
I really like it, keep writing it! :)
7/18/2011 c1 3Ancel Leon
Seems interesting for a prologue. I would definitely like to see what happens. :)
~Ancel
3Ancel LeonSeems interesting for a prologue. I would definitely like to see what happens. :)
~Ancel