for As It Is In Heaven1/4/2012 c15 
99Dreamers-Requiem
I think it's really interesting to see these characters at school, in a different enviroment to the one we're used to seeing them in, especially considering that now, we get to see them interact with different characters outside the immediate group. The only thing I think you need to watch out for is some of the dialogue comes across a bit awkwardly; in some cases, it seems like they're giving information just for the reader. Things like [You know what kind I'm talking about."] I think could be cut out. [ It's really weird that I'm not seeing him right at this moment..."] just sounds too long. Maybe cut it down to (It's weird I'm not seeing him right now...) which will help it flow better, too. Love the [and Hunter's boobs!] line. It's nice to see Mason acting more like the teenage boy he is. Be careful of some of the dialogue sounding too formal, too; they are teenage kids. Mason's reaction to the very annoying Addie was perfect and, again, it's good to see more of the teenage boy in him coming out. Ahh, we finally get to see Mason's step-brother; loved the way you introduced his character, and liked the small 'appearences' of Jared; very creepy, poor Mason. Lastly...can't wait for the next update!
99Dreamers-RequiemI think it's really interesting to see these characters at school, in a different enviroment to the one we're used to seeing them in, especially considering that now, we get to see them interact with different characters outside the immediate group. The only thing I think you need to watch out for is some of the dialogue comes across a bit awkwardly; in some cases, it seems like they're giving information just for the reader. Things like [You know what kind I'm talking about."] I think could be cut out. [ It's really weird that I'm not seeing him right at this moment..."] just sounds too long. Maybe cut it down to (It's weird I'm not seeing him right now...) which will help it flow better, too. Love the [and Hunter's boobs!] line. It's nice to see Mason acting more like the teenage boy he is. Be careful of some of the dialogue sounding too formal, too; they are teenage kids. Mason's reaction to the very annoying Addie was perfect and, again, it's good to see more of the teenage boy in him coming out. Ahh, we finally get to see Mason's step-brother; loved the way you introduced his character, and liked the small 'appearences' of Jared; very creepy, poor Mason. Lastly...can't wait for the next update!
12/11/2011 c14 Dreamers-Requiem
I think I must have been being a bit slow recently; I've only just connected the conversation from the previous chapter with what's going on here. Anyway, as usual, I really like the style, and I think it works really well, especially considering the different emotions of the various characters. I especially liked the description of Hunter's reaction to seeing the outside world - it's short but powerful. Nothing to critique, and I can't believe there's only one more uploaded chapter for me to read! Great stuff; loving the story,
I think I must have been being a bit slow recently; I've only just connected the conversation from the previous chapter with what's going on here. Anyway, as usual, I really like the style, and I think it works really well, especially considering the different emotions of the various characters. I especially liked the description of Hunter's reaction to seeing the outside world - it's short but powerful. Nothing to critique, and I can't believe there's only one more uploaded chapter for me to read! Great stuff; loving the story,
12/5/2011 c13 Dreamers-Requiem
Usually, I really dislike it when chapter lengths vary too much, but I think the shorter length really suits it here - especially considering what's happening, it feels much better to keep it on its own rather than chuck it in with something else. As always, great to see different POVs come into play, again, with the angels at the start. The only thing is...I don't fully get why the italics are in italics at the start, as there doesn't seem anything majorly different in that section to the rest? As for the second half, I have to admit, I really like your style; it blends together quite nicely and I think you do a great job of conveying Mason's emotions when he sees Jared. The only thing I'd really suggest, is remove the 'Then' in this sentence: [Then it rapidly changed] 'Then' is it a bit of an annoying word, and it can really affect the way a sentence flows. Anyway, as always, great, great stuff and I will, as always, be back to read more soon.
Usually, I really dislike it when chapter lengths vary too much, but I think the shorter length really suits it here - especially considering what's happening, it feels much better to keep it on its own rather than chuck it in with something else. As always, great to see different POVs come into play, again, with the angels at the start. The only thing is...I don't fully get why the italics are in italics at the start, as there doesn't seem anything majorly different in that section to the rest? As for the second half, I have to admit, I really like your style; it blends together quite nicely and I think you do a great job of conveying Mason's emotions when he sees Jared. The only thing I'd really suggest, is remove the 'Then' in this sentence: [Then it rapidly changed] 'Then' is it a bit of an annoying word, and it can really affect the way a sentence flows. Anyway, as always, great, great stuff and I will, as always, be back to read more soon.
11/25/2011 c12 Dreamers-Requiem
Nice handle on the opening scene - I like the reasoning for it, too, the way Mason is led up to this and how he's doing it, almost, just to rebel against his father. It gives a stronger image of the messed up relationship between them. I think you did a great job of showing us more of Logan and Hunter, too; I really like the scenes with those two, and the way they interact; Logan seems to really care for Hunter. As always, the scene with all of them is written really well - it remains clear, without the speech tags becoming too repetitive or anything. Overall, great chapter and I can't wait to see how it goes from here! I'll be back to read more soon.
Nice handle on the opening scene - I like the reasoning for it, too, the way Mason is led up to this and how he's doing it, almost, just to rebel against his father. It gives a stronger image of the messed up relationship between them. I think you did a great job of showing us more of Logan and Hunter, too; I really like the scenes with those two, and the way they interact; Logan seems to really care for Hunter. As always, the scene with all of them is written really well - it remains clear, without the speech tags becoming too repetitive or anything. Overall, great chapter and I can't wait to see how it goes from here! I'll be back to read more soon.
11/9/2011 c11 Dreamers-Requiem
Fantastic chapter, as always. The opening was really strong, and I liked the description of Hell - it's pretty unique, at least from what I've seen. I liked seeing more of Jezebel, too, and I think it's done in a really good way - it flows really nicely. As usual, I liked the community scene, the way you show the different characters and reflect their personalities in a few short words. The scene with his dad was written really well; I liked Mason's reactions and the way you can almost tell he's been through this, or very similar, with his father before. And his father is such an arse! Great portryal of him. The only thing I will say is the ending - I feel like it seems a bit rushed, just a little. The only other thing I would say is with the line [She's the same one that was your girlfriend a year back."] you could cut it to just [She was your girlfriend a year back.] or something? Just a suggestion; I'll be reading the next chapter soon as I can.
Fantastic chapter, as always. The opening was really strong, and I liked the description of Hell - it's pretty unique, at least from what I've seen. I liked seeing more of Jezebel, too, and I think it's done in a really good way - it flows really nicely. As usual, I liked the community scene, the way you show the different characters and reflect their personalities in a few short words. The scene with his dad was written really well; I liked Mason's reactions and the way you can almost tell he's been through this, or very similar, with his father before. And his father is such an arse! Great portryal of him. The only thing I will say is the ending - I feel like it seems a bit rushed, just a little. The only other thing I would say is with the line [She's the same one that was your girlfriend a year back."] you could cut it to just [She was your girlfriend a year back.] or something? Just a suggestion; I'll be reading the next chapter soon as I can.
10/22/2011 c10 Dreamers-Requiem
As always, really loving the story. The style works really well, and I think you manage to really pull off the present-tense. I liked seeing a bit of interaction between Jezebel and Mason, though I think you bring up some nice sort of confusion over whether it is her of it is her or if its in his head. The dialogue works really well, and you do an excellent job of making each character's voice different, helping it stand out. Great, great stuff.
As always, really loving the story. The style works really well, and I think you manage to really pull off the present-tense. I liked seeing a bit of interaction between Jezebel and Mason, though I think you bring up some nice sort of confusion over whether it is her of it is her or if its in his head. The dialogue works really well, and you do an excellent job of making each character's voice different, helping it stand out. Great, great stuff.
10/7/2011 c9 Dreamers-Requiem
as always, a really good chapter; I loved the opening, the formatting of it and the dream-like feel really added to it all, and you can tell it's thoughly thought out. I also liked how you showed more of Mason's past, and his relationship with Jett and Jared. The way it moves from Mason to Hunter is done really well, too, and it remains smooth throughout. Really, really good stuff.
as always, a really good chapter; I loved the opening, the formatting of it and the dream-like feel really added to it all, and you can tell it's thoughly thought out. I also liked how you showed more of Mason's past, and his relationship with Jett and Jared. The way it moves from Mason to Hunter is done really well, too, and it remains smooth throughout. Really, really good stuff.
9/21/2011 c8 Dreamers-Requiem
As always, I really like the interactions you have between the various characters, and I think you do a brilliant job of showing how they really feel about each other through these. I was cringing at the start, with the part about his father drowning the dog, and again, it was really well written; I like how you didn't just do a simple flashback. I like the way it sort of switches between the present and the past, and it never gets overly confusing. I really like Ian, he seems like a nice guy. And the group scene was really good, a great chance to see just a little more about Mason. Awesome stuff.
As always, I really like the interactions you have between the various characters, and I think you do a brilliant job of showing how they really feel about each other through these. I was cringing at the start, with the part about his father drowning the dog, and again, it was really well written; I like how you didn't just do a simple flashback. I like the way it sort of switches between the present and the past, and it never gets overly confusing. I really like Ian, he seems like a nice guy. And the group scene was really good, a great chance to see just a little more about Mason. Awesome stuff.
9/6/2011 c7 Dreamers-Requiem
I like the impression you're creating of the doctors; it's done in a subtle way, but you manage to get across the idea that they're really not there to help these kids. I like the small background we get of Andy, and his family, and I like how Mason knew the name. It adds a nice touch of realism to the story. Does Angel leave at some point? Only, it never mentions it, and it seems as if he's there and then just suddenly in the background. Maybe just make that a bit more clear. Anyway, I'm really enjoying this, and the situation you're building up is very interesting. Great stuff!
I like the impression you're creating of the doctors; it's done in a subtle way, but you manage to get across the idea that they're really not there to help these kids. I like the small background we get of Andy, and his family, and I like how Mason knew the name. It adds a nice touch of realism to the story. Does Angel leave at some point? Only, it never mentions it, and it seems as if he's there and then just suddenly in the background. Maybe just make that a bit more clear. Anyway, I'm really enjoying this, and the situation you're building up is very interesting. Great stuff!
9/3/2011 c13 15Katalina Tomas
I've been away from FP for far too long. :(
I really enjoyed the part where the ghost appears; the words you use to portray the feeling of despair Mason feels at its ominous claim. His guilt really shines through in this chapter.
Loved your descriptions as well - [The room twists and turns and melts around him, coalescing into a different place all together.] I quite liked this sentence. :)
I promise to read the rest of it soon. ~Katalina
15Katalina TomasI've been away from FP for far too long. :(
I really enjoyed the part where the ghost appears; the words you use to portray the feeling of despair Mason feels at its ominous claim. His guilt really shines through in this chapter.
Loved your descriptions as well - [The room twists and turns and melts around him, coalescing into a different place all together.] I quite liked this sentence. :)
I promise to read the rest of it soon. ~Katalina
8/24/2011 c14 5Dr. Self Destruct
Oh no, I'm getting the near of the chapters you have posted. :(
Ah, I'm so glad to see them finally get out of that damned institution. I do like how Hunter eerily resembles Jett, though I'm sure this is painful for Mason considering the history between them. I'm wondering if this resemblance will make him seek some type of romance with her in the future? Because I feel like it's foreshadowing something.
Ahaha, the very end there with Ian was priceless. Why am I not surprised that he planned to burn the place down? I really enjoyed the verses at the end of this chapter as well. I thought they flowed incredibly well together, giving a unique structure to the beginning of the destruction, and closing the chapter with some great tension. I can't wait to see what they do now that they're all free.
5Dr. Self DestructOh no, I'm getting the near of the chapters you have posted. :(
Ah, I'm so glad to see them finally get out of that damned institution. I do like how Hunter eerily resembles Jett, though I'm sure this is painful for Mason considering the history between them. I'm wondering if this resemblance will make him seek some type of romance with her in the future? Because I feel like it's foreshadowing something.
Ahaha, the very end there with Ian was priceless. Why am I not surprised that he planned to burn the place down? I really enjoyed the verses at the end of this chapter as well. I thought they flowed incredibly well together, giving a unique structure to the beginning of the destruction, and closing the chapter with some great tension. I can't wait to see what they do now that they're all free.
8/21/2011 c6 99Dreamers-Requiem
the mirror room sounds like an awful punishment, especially considering the type of people they put in there. I think, as a literary device, it worked well to give us glimpses into Mason's past. It kind of reminded me slightly of the tourture chamber in Phantom of the Opera, and it's easy to see why both would drive a person slightly insane. The description worked really well to add to the sense of what Mason was going through. The second part, I felt, gave us a good insight into Logan and Hunter, and I really liked seeing more of them. Great stuff!
99Dreamers-Requiemthe mirror room sounds like an awful punishment, especially considering the type of people they put in there. I think, as a literary device, it worked well to give us glimpses into Mason's past. It kind of reminded me slightly of the tourture chamber in Phantom of the Opera, and it's easy to see why both would drive a person slightly insane. The description worked really well to add to the sense of what Mason was going through. The second part, I felt, gave us a good insight into Logan and Hunter, and I really liked seeing more of them. Great stuff!
8/18/2011 c1 1megger
"There's a place that swallows up the entire world"- Is there a reason why this part is in italics?
"society, but Elysium itself..."- Not sure that an ellipsis is needed here.
"Will!" [h]e demands as"
("It's illegal to commit suicide, and you attempted to do so. The handcuffs are necessary," the unsympathetic social worker had told him upon discharge from the hospital).- I think this part should be it's own separate paragraph.
"She holds a clipboard[,] reads out a list of things"
"get put into a place like this..."- Again, I don't really feel that an ellipsis is needed.
I really liked the metaphors regarding the description of the city. From the ants to arteries, I thought that was really smart. I liked how you went even further to explain that nature doesn't really exist which I thought was relatively true to large cities.
I loved descriptions of the characters. I felt like you gave them little unique details that set them apart from everyone else.
-The Review Game
1megger"There's a place that swallows up the entire world"- Is there a reason why this part is in italics?
"society, but Elysium itself..."- Not sure that an ellipsis is needed here.
"Will!" [h]e demands as"
("It's illegal to commit suicide, and you attempted to do so. The handcuffs are necessary," the unsympathetic social worker had told him upon discharge from the hospital).- I think this part should be it's own separate paragraph.
"She holds a clipboard[,] reads out a list of things"
"get put into a place like this..."- Again, I don't really feel that an ellipsis is needed.
I really liked the metaphors regarding the description of the city. From the ants to arteries, I thought that was really smart. I liked how you went even further to explain that nature doesn't really exist which I thought was relatively true to large cities.
I loved descriptions of the characters. I felt like you gave them little unique details that set them apart from everyone else.
-The Review Game
8/17/2011 c5 99Dreamers-Requiem
i like the unity you have between the patients; I think it works really well, and emphasises the feeling that they're all in the same boat. The way you write the parts where Mason briefly loses it work very well, too, and I like the confusion surrounding that, especially at the end where for a brief moment it's unclear if he is running or not. Interactions are really good, especially for showing the differences in how they speak to each other and how they speak to the adults. The mirror room sounds...worrying, and I like Mason's instinctive reaction to it; overall, a really well written chapter. Loving the story so far.
99Dreamers-Requiemi like the unity you have between the patients; I think it works really well, and emphasises the feeling that they're all in the same boat. The way you write the parts where Mason briefly loses it work very well, too, and I like the confusion surrounding that, especially at the end where for a brief moment it's unclear if he is running or not. Interactions are really good, especially for showing the differences in how they speak to each other and how they speak to the adults. The mirror room sounds...worrying, and I like Mason's instinctive reaction to it; overall, a really well written chapter. Loving the story so far.
8/16/2011 c11 15Katalina Tomas
Long time no read. . Anyways, onto the review...
[...and that there ware second generations of most of the former...] Should "ware" be "were"? It's a minor mistake, and it didn't distract me, but there you have it.
At the end of the third paragraph, is the fourth rumor, about the people not existing or else being savages...isn't that the 5th rumor?
I like the descriptions in this part of the chapter, and I don't think chapter fails at all. It's smoothly written and answers some of my questions about Hell. I actually enjoyed reading about your version of Hell, because the stereotypical Hell is fire and the like.
Mason's father creeps me out and makes me mad, at the same time. He's a hypocrite, that much is true, but the assumptions he makes about Mason, like commenting about how he's a whore and gay, are unfounded and uncalled for. It's these same things that cause me to be slightly creeped out...he's as far from a father as you can get.
Anyways, I quite liked this chapter. Not so much Mason, true, and I do wonder when he will start to recover, but as expected it's not going to be a walk in the park.
~Katalina
15Katalina TomasLong time no read. . Anyways, onto the review...
[...and that there ware second generations of most of the former...] Should "ware" be "were"? It's a minor mistake, and it didn't distract me, but there you have it.
At the end of the third paragraph, is the fourth rumor, about the people not existing or else being savages...isn't that the 5th rumor?
I like the descriptions in this part of the chapter, and I don't think chapter fails at all. It's smoothly written and answers some of my questions about Hell. I actually enjoyed reading about your version of Hell, because the stereotypical Hell is fire and the like.
Mason's father creeps me out and makes me mad, at the same time. He's a hypocrite, that much is true, but the assumptions he makes about Mason, like commenting about how he's a whore and gay, are unfounded and uncalled for. It's these same things that cause me to be slightly creeped out...he's as far from a father as you can get.
Anyways, I quite liked this chapter. Not so much Mason, true, and I do wonder when he will start to recover, but as expected it's not going to be a walk in the park.
~Katalina