for As It Is In Heaven8/16/2011 c1 Silver Sparke
I absolutely love the opening paragraph and how you say the skyscrapers "pierce" the blue sky, how you compare people to a colony of ants, and how you compare roads to arteries.
I also enjoyed reading the description of the Institute. You have an amazin talent with descriptions.
It's a really good piece, and I liked it a lot.
However, I think the end of chapter one could be improved. Just a thought. Other than that, everything's really good!
~Silver Sparke
I absolutely love the opening paragraph and how you say the skyscrapers "pierce" the blue sky, how you compare people to a colony of ants, and how you compare roads to arteries.
I also enjoyed reading the description of the Institute. You have an amazin talent with descriptions.
It's a really good piece, and I liked it a lot.
However, I think the end of chapter one could be improved. Just a thought. Other than that, everything's really good!
~Silver Sparke
8/13/2011 c2 
4lookingwest
...where Mason's bloodstained ballerina lay dead on the floor...
-Edit: pretty sure "lay" should be "lies"
The point of view and way that you tell this chapter is a lot different than what you were doing in the previous. It feels unfamiliar to me for a present tense, but I think it's unique, you kind of tell the story in present tense through third person and the other characters. I think the flow of that works well and you did a good job segueing it into the last section of this chapter, involving the introduction of all the other characters. I liked the descriptions and how you went about describing them by oddities like "and i have an embarrassing stutter" etc. because I think that gives a unique spin on new characters and also helps us remember them for their qualities you introduce.
I also liked the way Mason perceives everything, especially Angel, because I think his descriptions are unique and give us insight. Also the way that you give depth to Angel's character was something I liked to, with the background of his sister and kind of stepping up to the authority, I think that heightens the tension and I liked it also because it gives us a glimpse of the world outside the institution.
4lookingwest...where Mason's bloodstained ballerina lay dead on the floor...
-Edit: pretty sure "lay" should be "lies"
The point of view and way that you tell this chapter is a lot different than what you were doing in the previous. It feels unfamiliar to me for a present tense, but I think it's unique, you kind of tell the story in present tense through third person and the other characters. I think the flow of that works well and you did a good job segueing it into the last section of this chapter, involving the introduction of all the other characters. I liked the descriptions and how you went about describing them by oddities like "and i have an embarrassing stutter" etc. because I think that gives a unique spin on new characters and also helps us remember them for their qualities you introduce.
I also liked the way Mason perceives everything, especially Angel, because I think his descriptions are unique and give us insight. Also the way that you give depth to Angel's character was something I liked to, with the background of his sister and kind of stepping up to the authority, I think that heightens the tension and I liked it also because it gives us a glimpse of the world outside the institution.
8/13/2011 c9 15Katalina Tomas
A revelation! Okay, before I move on to Chap 10, I'll just say that I love the beginning, the stuff in italics. It puts emphasis on certain phrases and really portrays how the words come across to Mason.
~Kat
15Katalina TomasA revelation! Okay, before I move on to Chap 10, I'll just say that I love the beginning, the stuff in italics. It puts emphasis on certain phrases and really portrays how the words come across to Mason.
~Kat
8/13/2011 c8 Katalina Tomas
The first part is so sad. It is seriously so very sad. The things Mason and Hunter have gone through really tugged at my heart. It's a story, yes, but it's still sad. The flashbacks in italics added a lot to the description of his past too, and overall I thought this was well written.
And ahhh! You left me hanging at the very end. Shall continue reading now, to find out exactly what that TV means. -.- :P
~Kat
The first part is so sad. It is seriously so very sad. The things Mason and Hunter have gone through really tugged at my heart. It's a story, yes, but it's still sad. The flashbacks in italics added a lot to the description of his past too, and overall I thought this was well written.
And ahhh! You left me hanging at the very end. Shall continue reading now, to find out exactly what that TV means. -.- :P
~Kat
8/12/2011 c7 Katalina Tomas
Interesting twist. I promise I'll finish reading at a later date. Hopefully it will suffice that I love your story!
~Kat
Interesting twist. I promise I'll finish reading at a later date. Hopefully it will suffice that I love your story!
~Kat
8/12/2011 c6 Katalina Tomas
This was a great chapter. You portrayed the emotions flawlessly, with the repeating words in the beginning: FAILURE. WEAK. INSANE. STOP. STOP. STOP. STOP. There are some other examples, like when he imagines Jett and his Father are there, insulting him.
Besides that, the story flows. I don't know what else to say. This has been a fantastic story for me to read. I thank RG for bringing me here. :)
It's going on my faves. ~Kat
This was a great chapter. You portrayed the emotions flawlessly, with the repeating words in the beginning: FAILURE. WEAK. INSANE. STOP. STOP. STOP. STOP. There are some other examples, like when he imagines Jett and his Father are there, insulting him.
Besides that, the story flows. I don't know what else to say. This has been a fantastic story for me to read. I thank RG for bringing me here. :)
It's going on my faves. ~Kat
8/12/2011 c4 Katalina Tomas
Angst alert here. Not that it's a bad thing, because I liked it. Sometimes you need a chapter of just thoughts to establish things. One thing I liked about this chapter was the way you wrote the flashbacks and side thoughts, like the very beginning: "He wishes he could sleep. . .but the voices are too loud." It really made more of an impact on me than if you had written that out in one sentence, non italics. Same goes for the parenthesis "I always wanted her to die, but I wanted to die with her near me." Powerful words.
The blending of the POVs worked really well too, from Mason to Hunter. It described the scene as a whole, not from one person.
I really liked this chapter. It was well written and smooth.
~Katalina
Angst alert here. Not that it's a bad thing, because I liked it. Sometimes you need a chapter of just thoughts to establish things. One thing I liked about this chapter was the way you wrote the flashbacks and side thoughts, like the very beginning: "He wishes he could sleep. . .but the voices are too loud." It really made more of an impact on me than if you had written that out in one sentence, non italics. Same goes for the parenthesis "I always wanted her to die, but I wanted to die with her near me." Powerful words.
The blending of the POVs worked really well too, from Mason to Hunter. It described the scene as a whole, not from one person.
I really liked this chapter. It was well written and smooth.
~Katalina
8/12/2011 c13 5Dr. Self Destruct
Hmm, now I'm very curious to figure out what this apocalypse is that Jezebel is warning them about. It definitely sounds bad, and I'm kinda flirting with the idea that perhaps Mason and co. will have to stop it somehow. I really like how you develop these two worlds side-by-side, and I can't wait for the time where they converge and the characters get to finally meet each other - if that does indeed end up happening. Either way, even if the only way Mason speaks with Jezebel is through hallucinations/dreams/indirect paths, it's still a very cool concept.
Ack, that image of Jared scared even me. I don't want to believe that Jared would blame Mason for him committing suicide... I think there's someone/something behind the scenes taking over Jared's 'ghost', trying to mess with Mason.
5Dr. Self DestructHmm, now I'm very curious to figure out what this apocalypse is that Jezebel is warning them about. It definitely sounds bad, and I'm kinda flirting with the idea that perhaps Mason and co. will have to stop it somehow. I really like how you develop these two worlds side-by-side, and I can't wait for the time where they converge and the characters get to finally meet each other - if that does indeed end up happening. Either way, even if the only way Mason speaks with Jezebel is through hallucinations/dreams/indirect paths, it's still a very cool concept.
Ack, that image of Jared scared even me. I don't want to believe that Jared would blame Mason for him committing suicide... I think there's someone/something behind the scenes taking over Jared's 'ghost', trying to mess with Mason.
8/9/2011 c4 99Dreamers-Requiem
I like the way you use the different POVs here; I think it's quite effective, and the way you descrive the use of pills as well as the like "The first six don't seem to work" helps show more of Mason's mindset. I also like the deeper insight into the girls, the use of Hunter's drawings and the impression that Logan knows more than she lets on. She seems pretty clever, and I think you convey that well in a short scene. Great job.
99Dreamers-RequiemI like the way you use the different POVs here; I think it's quite effective, and the way you descrive the use of pills as well as the like "The first six don't seem to work" helps show more of Mason's mindset. I also like the deeper insight into the girls, the use of Hunter's drawings and the impression that Logan knows more than she lets on. She seems pretty clever, and I think you convey that well in a short scene. Great job.
8/8/2011 c12 5Dr. Self Destruct
I like how you show us a glimpse of what Mason is willing to do to get the fix he needs - it reflects back on the past when he was in these similar situations, and shows us first hand his rebellion against his father. It is depressing to see him falling back into through routines, though. I was hoping Mason was going to get better, but this goes to show not everything in this world is happiness and sunshine. In order to pick ourselves up we first must fall, and I think Mason shows us this most especially in the beginning of this chapter.
I'm glad you don't leave it up to the imagination as to what he has to do. The image of Mason's teeth on Ian's zipper made me chuckle.
I like how you describe Hunter able to feel her emotions as if they are tangible things inside her. It's very eerie, yet also plays into the part where she attempts to purge her body. I think you add another layer to her character by doing this - it shows me she's not only concerned about gaining weight, but feeling things as well. The idea of fasting to help with psychotic disorders is a very interesting subject... and somewhat chilling.
Looks like they're planning their escape. I'm eager to see what happens next - I really have no idea what could go down, and that makes me excited. As morbid as this might sound, considering the large cast of people in this story, I can only assume some of them are going to wind up dead. I wonder which ones...
5Dr. Self DestructI like how you show us a glimpse of what Mason is willing to do to get the fix he needs - it reflects back on the past when he was in these similar situations, and shows us first hand his rebellion against his father. It is depressing to see him falling back into through routines, though. I was hoping Mason was going to get better, but this goes to show not everything in this world is happiness and sunshine. In order to pick ourselves up we first must fall, and I think Mason shows us this most especially in the beginning of this chapter.
I'm glad you don't leave it up to the imagination as to what he has to do. The image of Mason's teeth on Ian's zipper made me chuckle.
I like how you describe Hunter able to feel her emotions as if they are tangible things inside her. It's very eerie, yet also plays into the part where she attempts to purge her body. I think you add another layer to her character by doing this - it shows me she's not only concerned about gaining weight, but feeling things as well. The idea of fasting to help with psychotic disorders is a very interesting subject... and somewhat chilling.
Looks like they're planning their escape. I'm eager to see what happens next - I really have no idea what could go down, and that makes me excited. As morbid as this might sound, considering the large cast of people in this story, I can only assume some of them are going to wind up dead. I wonder which ones...
8/6/2011 c3 99Dreamers-Requiem
Despite the shortness of this chapter, I think you do a really good job of showing this war in heaven, but only giving the reader a glimpse into it. i also like Madon's reaction to it, too, and the lack of sweat makes me think that this is less violent, maybe, than his other dreams. Anyway, great chapter as always, strong description but you avoid getting drowned in it. Good job.
99Dreamers-RequiemDespite the shortness of this chapter, I think you do a really good job of showing this war in heaven, but only giving the reader a glimpse into it. i also like Madon's reaction to it, too, and the lack of sweat makes me think that this is less violent, maybe, than his other dreams. Anyway, great chapter as always, strong description but you avoid getting drowned in it. Good job.
8/6/2011 c4 7LiberryBooked
I like how you transitioned from talking about Mason to talking about Hunter, it didn't pull me out of the story or feel sudden. Rather, it just seemed natural.
I also liked how you showed the reader why Hunter is here in the first place instead of told them. I liked how you used the line "hands on her hipbones to assure herself they're still there" and then went into depth with how her parents reacted. It was interesting and informative.
7LiberryBookedI like how you transitioned from talking about Mason to talking about Hunter, it didn't pull me out of the story or feel sudden. Rather, it just seemed natural.
I also liked how you showed the reader why Hunter is here in the first place instead of told them. I liked how you used the line "hands on her hipbones to assure herself they're still there" and then went into depth with how her parents reacted. It was interesting and informative.
8/5/2011 c1 2baited with hypotheses
Your first sentence definitely hooked me in. It asks the universal question of "where do I belong in the world?" and drags one into Mason's mind and makes the reader relate to him: "He's a tiny speck against the cityscape." I love how your dialogue is very realistic - I've struggled with dialogue more times that I'd like to count, so yay for you and your extremely fluid character speech!
One thing I didn't like, however, was the fact that you used present tense. It's a personal thing, I know, but it served as a sort of...roadblock, I suppose? - especially towards the ending. But again, it's just a personal thing.
2baited with hypothesesYour first sentence definitely hooked me in. It asks the universal question of "where do I belong in the world?" and drags one into Mason's mind and makes the reader relate to him: "He's a tiny speck against the cityscape." I love how your dialogue is very realistic - I've struggled with dialogue more times that I'd like to count, so yay for you and your extremely fluid character speech!
One thing I didn't like, however, was the fact that you used present tense. It's a personal thing, I know, but it served as a sort of...roadblock, I suppose? - especially towards the ending. But again, it's just a personal thing.
8/5/2011 c2 99Dreamers-Requiem
I really like the style throughout this chapter. The way it starts is interesting, shown from Angel's POV but still with comments that give the reader more information, like the line "He doesn't know about the dream..." It's done really well. I also like the community meeting bit. You do a good job of drawing attention to certain characters, and keeping them the focus while still introducing the other people there. Overall, a really good chapter. Great job.
99Dreamers-RequiemI really like the style throughout this chapter. The way it starts is interesting, shown from Angel's POV but still with comments that give the reader more information, like the line "He doesn't know about the dream..." It's done really well. I also like the community meeting bit. You do a good job of drawing attention to certain characters, and keeping them the focus while still introducing the other people there. Overall, a really good chapter. Great job.