for As It Is In Heaven8/3/2011 c11 
5Dr. Self Destruct
I'm really glad you show us some more of what's happening in Heaven, because I've been starving for some more of those angels, haha. I really like the way Jezebel's character is fleshing out - she seems like a very powerful and intimidating protagonist. Or, actually, considering she started a war in Heaven, I'm not really sure if she's 'evil' or 'good' at this point. But considering the context of the story, I have a feeling evil and good are relative terms that can't really define any of these people.
I really enjoyed your rendition of Hell. I've always wondered if earth was really just Hell, considering how crappy it can be at times, you know? It's nice to see a version of Hell that isn't all fire and brimstone.
The argument Mason has with his father really made me angry, especially with how he talks about Mason. But I found some satisfaction in the way Mason confronts him about his hypocrisy and starts demanding to know if his father still retains his own drug addictions. The way his father dwells on the whole homosexual thing really irritates me, but I can definitely see it happening in today's society. I think Mason's relationship he had with Jared and Jett, regardless if it was sexual or platonic, was a beautiful thing... and I'm so sad that Jared killed himself, now more than ever.
I wonder if Mason will eventually see him in Heaven...
5Dr. Self DestructI'm really glad you show us some more of what's happening in Heaven, because I've been starving for some more of those angels, haha. I really like the way Jezebel's character is fleshing out - she seems like a very powerful and intimidating protagonist. Or, actually, considering she started a war in Heaven, I'm not really sure if she's 'evil' or 'good' at this point. But considering the context of the story, I have a feeling evil and good are relative terms that can't really define any of these people.
I really enjoyed your rendition of Hell. I've always wondered if earth was really just Hell, considering how crappy it can be at times, you know? It's nice to see a version of Hell that isn't all fire and brimstone.
The argument Mason has with his father really made me angry, especially with how he talks about Mason. But I found some satisfaction in the way Mason confronts him about his hypocrisy and starts demanding to know if his father still retains his own drug addictions. The way his father dwells on the whole homosexual thing really irritates me, but I can definitely see it happening in today's society. I think Mason's relationship he had with Jared and Jett, regardless if it was sexual or platonic, was a beautiful thing... and I'm so sad that Jared killed himself, now more than ever.
I wonder if Mason will eventually see him in Heaven...
8/3/2011 c1 Lovaxx
first things first, the introduction to this story was very well written and it made me feel the kind of depression i think you were trying to give off :) the second comes your ability to describe things, and you do a brilliant job of doing so. I love the name Mason as well, very strong and very good at attracting attention. third i love the way you describe your characters, especially your females lol you have a sort of old school style mixed with like street gang/mobster appeal like calling a woman a doll, or a pair of red lips and i love that in your writing. all in all i am a huge fan and i will definitly be reading more. i loved it so far :)
-Lova
first things first, the introduction to this story was very well written and it made me feel the kind of depression i think you were trying to give off :) the second comes your ability to describe things, and you do a brilliant job of doing so. I love the name Mason as well, very strong and very good at attracting attention. third i love the way you describe your characters, especially your females lol you have a sort of old school style mixed with like street gang/mobster appeal like calling a woman a doll, or a pair of red lips and i love that in your writing. all in all i am a huge fan and i will definitly be reading more. i loved it so far :)
-Lova
8/2/2011 c1 7LiberryBooked
I really liked how you did a great job of drawing the reader in with interesting details. It was nice to be introduced to a new world with a character (Mason) as a tour guide of sorts.
I didn't like how I felt so disconnected though. I think it would have helped a lot to introduce some more normal aspects of the story into this first chapter and slowly introduce more extraordinary details slowly so the reader doesn't get overwhelmed.
7LiberryBookedI really liked how you did a great job of drawing the reader in with interesting details. It was nice to be introduced to a new world with a character (Mason) as a tour guide of sorts.
I didn't like how I felt so disconnected though. I think it would have helped a lot to introduce some more normal aspects of the story into this first chapter and slowly introduce more extraordinary details slowly so the reader doesn't get overwhelmed.
8/1/2011 c1 4lookingwest
Opening- I was going to say the opening was a bit dry because you start right off with social classes after the description of the city, but after I saw you immediately switch gears into character-focus, it didn't bother me as much. I think you did a good job establishing what should be established right away, and I liked that.
Character- I like what you do with Mason because you set him off as having some very nervous mannerisms and the entire time I was delighted to see his character develop into something realistic, so by the end I really felt won over on his side for sympathy. I also like what you did with his roommate Angel by creating the mystery of how Mason recognizes him, and I'd like to more about that, so it's a good hook too.
Setting- The setting almost had a sci-fi quality to it, with the different tiers of society and all too, so I would maybe think about that as a possible sub-genre as well, either that or perhaps even urban fantasy, which is super unique and something you don't see around that often. I like the genre placement for Supernatural but I'm getting some different vibes here with the first chapter, perhaps even the detection that angels and demons will become involved. Anyway, as far as setting too, I really liked the first paragraph when you described The City, you did an excellent job painting the picture and bringing it over into the Escher-drawing hallways part of the Elysian Institute too.
Scene- I think my favorite part in the narration was the little note involving Jett. I liked it because of the way you paced it out and wrote the note, and I think it provided a really cool flashback sort-of scenario for Mason and the readers. The phrasing leading up to that was just wonderful and you have a real way there with the words and what to say. I thought the flow was perfect and wouldn't touch that. In my head when I saw "D E A D" I spelled it out, so if you wanted to do that grammatically you would go, "D-E-A-D", I just wasn't sure what to make of the spaces or why else you would put them there, but I really liked how it sounded if it was spelled out so assumed that's what you meant. If not, then I would get rid of the spaces for grammatical reasons. Other than that, fantastic!
4lookingwestOpening- I was going to say the opening was a bit dry because you start right off with social classes after the description of the city, but after I saw you immediately switch gears into character-focus, it didn't bother me as much. I think you did a good job establishing what should be established right away, and I liked that.
Character- I like what you do with Mason because you set him off as having some very nervous mannerisms and the entire time I was delighted to see his character develop into something realistic, so by the end I really felt won over on his side for sympathy. I also like what you did with his roommate Angel by creating the mystery of how Mason recognizes him, and I'd like to more about that, so it's a good hook too.
Setting- The setting almost had a sci-fi quality to it, with the different tiers of society and all too, so I would maybe think about that as a possible sub-genre as well, either that or perhaps even urban fantasy, which is super unique and something you don't see around that often. I like the genre placement for Supernatural but I'm getting some different vibes here with the first chapter, perhaps even the detection that angels and demons will become involved. Anyway, as far as setting too, I really liked the first paragraph when you described The City, you did an excellent job painting the picture and bringing it over into the Escher-drawing hallways part of the Elysian Institute too.
Scene- I think my favorite part in the narration was the little note involving Jett. I liked it because of the way you paced it out and wrote the note, and I think it provided a really cool flashback sort-of scenario for Mason and the readers. The phrasing leading up to that was just wonderful and you have a real way there with the words and what to say. I thought the flow was perfect and wouldn't touch that. In my head when I saw "D E A D" I spelled it out, so if you wanted to do that grammatically you would go, "D-E-A-D", I just wasn't sure what to make of the spaces or why else you would put them there, but I really liked how it sounded if it was spelled out so assumed that's what you meant. If not, then I would get rid of the spaces for grammatical reasons. Other than that, fantastic!
8/1/2011 c1 2dellasaurus
I really like the metaphors you use, like "the streets are arteries around the buildings." They are realy creative and add to the dramatic feel of the story. You also used some very good imagery to capture the City and make the reader feel like they're standing in the bustling city themselves.
I also really like Mason's character. His paranoia and the fact that he tried to commit suicide are one part of his personality, but I feel like there's a whole other soft, caring side to him from the way you described him with Jett. I also liked the mysteriousness of the flashbacks and the voices he hears; I saw them as a sort of interesting foreshadowing for the rest of the story!
2dellasaurusI really like the metaphors you use, like "the streets are arteries around the buildings." They are realy creative and add to the dramatic feel of the story. You also used some very good imagery to capture the City and make the reader feel like they're standing in the bustling city themselves.
I also really like Mason's character. His paranoia and the fact that he tried to commit suicide are one part of his personality, but I feel like there's a whole other soft, caring side to him from the way you described him with Jett. I also liked the mysteriousness of the flashbacks and the voices he hears; I saw them as a sort of interesting foreshadowing for the rest of the story!
8/1/2011 c1 99Dreamers-Requiem
From the very first line, I could tell I was going to like this. The writing is amazing; the description of the city was a great opening, and I especially like the [It's the City. The last City on Earth.], the way you keep it nameless. You don't overload the reader with information on this world, instead it feels like something we're going to have to piece together ourselves, which I really like. Mason is a great character, and one that instantly I'm eager to follow through this story. You have a great balence between dialogue, description and action, and do a great job of not getting bogged down in any of them. Overall, a brilliant first chapter and I will be back to read more soon.
99Dreamers-RequiemFrom the very first line, I could tell I was going to like this. The writing is amazing; the description of the city was a great opening, and I especially like the [It's the City. The last City on Earth.], the way you keep it nameless. You don't overload the reader with information on this world, instead it feels like something we're going to have to piece together ourselves, which I really like. Mason is a great character, and one that instantly I'm eager to follow through this story. You have a great balence between dialogue, description and action, and do a great job of not getting bogged down in any of them. Overall, a brilliant first chapter and I will be back to read more soon.
8/1/2011 c4 96kathy
You really have a talent for writing. I swear if you ever publish a book (and I'm sure you will) I am running to the bookstore and buying it xD
You really have a talent for writing. I swear if you ever publish a book (and I'm sure you will) I am running to the bookstore and buying it xD
8/1/2011 c3 96kathy
Short, but really interesting. Makes a person want to read more and go on to the next chapter.
Short, but really interesting. Makes a person want to read more and go on to the next chapter.
8/1/2011 c2 96kathy
Really interesting characters, I must say. ^^ I already like the Crazy Purple-Headed Bitch. XD
Really interesting characters, I must say. ^^ I already like the Crazy Purple-Headed Bitch. XD
8/1/2011 c1 96kathy
First off I want to thank you for reviewing my story 'The Seasons' and that I am sorry for not paying back earlier. But I'm reviewing now! :D I really like the first chapter and can't wait to read the rest. I also like the characters and the mood you create with your writing. :)
First off I want to thank you for reviewing my story 'The Seasons' and that I am sorry for not paying back earlier. But I'm reviewing now! :D I really like the first chapter and can't wait to read the rest. I also like the characters and the mood you create with your writing. :)
7/31/2011 c15 15disrhythmic
I like the way you build up the supernatural, chilling sort of atmosphere with Jared. It's really vivid, really precise. :)
15disrhythmicI like the way you build up the supernatural, chilling sort of atmosphere with Jared. It's really vivid, really precise. :)
7/29/2011 c10 5Dr. Self Destruct
Well, I have to say I can't blame Mason for hating those doctors and psychiatrists. I'd hate them too if they did this type of shit to me on a daily basis. I can relate to his bouts of anger - if there's anything I have trouble with, it's my anger. Thankfully my patience is amazing and I don't lash out at people, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't if there wouldn't be repercussions. Haha, I guess we all have our problems.
I really like how Jezebel appears to him in the real world. It makes it seem like the veil between both worlds is very thin, and that either one of them can cross into the other's lands. I wonder if the angels in Heaven are 'hallucinating' about the kids here in the Institute.
That conversation with Jared's mother was so sad. It's nice to see she's still concern about him, though, regardless if Mason could be responsible for her son's suicide. It's a bit depressing how the only encouragement he can get to keep on living comes from the parent of his dead best friend - not even his own father seems to care.
I remember Logan mentioning Carrie in the last chapter - I wonder if Mason is going to eventually go balistic and start to slaughter all the doctors like Carrie killed her classmates. Honestly, I kinda hope he does.
5Dr. Self DestructWell, I have to say I can't blame Mason for hating those doctors and psychiatrists. I'd hate them too if they did this type of shit to me on a daily basis. I can relate to his bouts of anger - if there's anything I have trouble with, it's my anger. Thankfully my patience is amazing and I don't lash out at people, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't if there wouldn't be repercussions. Haha, I guess we all have our problems.
I really like how Jezebel appears to him in the real world. It makes it seem like the veil between both worlds is very thin, and that either one of them can cross into the other's lands. I wonder if the angels in Heaven are 'hallucinating' about the kids here in the Institute.
That conversation with Jared's mother was so sad. It's nice to see she's still concern about him, though, regardless if Mason could be responsible for her son's suicide. It's a bit depressing how the only encouragement he can get to keep on living comes from the parent of his dead best friend - not even his own father seems to care.
I remember Logan mentioning Carrie in the last chapter - I wonder if Mason is going to eventually go balistic and start to slaughter all the doctors like Carrie killed her classmates. Honestly, I kinda hope he does.
7/29/2011 c9 Dr. Self Destruct
I find myself wondering what Mason's secret could be as well. I can't really think of anything that comes to mind, hmm. Maybe it has something to do with his past, or maybe it's something even he doesn't remember. I really like the way you can slip into your character's heads and tell the story from a perspective that makes it feel like this is almost a first person narrative.
The relationship Mason had with Jett and Jared is very interesting. I don't want to say it's 'cool' (although that's what I'm really thinking) because it's never a good thing when people hurt themselves. But the fact that they were so close to have that tight of a bond... where they shared each other's pain... well, you just don't get that in friends very often. The fact that they cared about Mason enough to threaten to kill themselves if he killed himself is a bold promise - one not many would make. I'm starting to wonder if Jared's death triggered something inside him, considering Logan mentions it at the end of the chapter. And I'm very curious as to what happened to Jett. Maybe she's in Heaven with the angels... and Mason will end up having to save her.
I think you do a great job in opening up a person's eyes to the horror of having an eating disorder. A lot of people don't understand, or can't possibly fathom, the thoughts that could be going through a person's mind to make them not eat or force themselves to throw up. And the images you paint of the vomit and blood coming out of her nose shows it for what it truly is - raw and horrible. I felt a bit sick to my stomach when reading that part, haha.
Great foreshadowing here at the end. I can't wait to see Mason use his powers again.
I find myself wondering what Mason's secret could be as well. I can't really think of anything that comes to mind, hmm. Maybe it has something to do with his past, or maybe it's something even he doesn't remember. I really like the way you can slip into your character's heads and tell the story from a perspective that makes it feel like this is almost a first person narrative.
The relationship Mason had with Jett and Jared is very interesting. I don't want to say it's 'cool' (although that's what I'm really thinking) because it's never a good thing when people hurt themselves. But the fact that they were so close to have that tight of a bond... where they shared each other's pain... well, you just don't get that in friends very often. The fact that they cared about Mason enough to threaten to kill themselves if he killed himself is a bold promise - one not many would make. I'm starting to wonder if Jared's death triggered something inside him, considering Logan mentions it at the end of the chapter. And I'm very curious as to what happened to Jett. Maybe she's in Heaven with the angels... and Mason will end up having to save her.
I think you do a great job in opening up a person's eyes to the horror of having an eating disorder. A lot of people don't understand, or can't possibly fathom, the thoughts that could be going through a person's mind to make them not eat or force themselves to throw up. And the images you paint of the vomit and blood coming out of her nose shows it for what it truly is - raw and horrible. I felt a bit sick to my stomach when reading that part, haha.
Great foreshadowing here at the end. I can't wait to see Mason use his powers again.
7/28/2011 c8 Dr. Self Destruct
Ah, you have so many wonderful sentences in this chapter, I really love it. You have this way of describing things with methods I've never seen used before, and it gives you this very unique, creepy style that makes me think of Stephen King. He's a great author, by the way. Your use of personification is really breath-taking - I've always been a fan of giving human attributes to inanimate objects. It makes everything jump to life and breathe on its own - just like the walls. It's very beautiful and eerie at the same time, and I think that's what makes this story leave such an impact. You address horrible things, show us the desperation a human can experience when unable to fall any further, and yet there is still strength inside them to keep going. It's a wonderful message, and it's one I myself use quite often. If I may make the comparison, I can't help but think our infatuation with the darkest corners of the human mind are very similar.
[Not for the way it looks, but because Mason doesn't think that humans should have mouths; they use their ability to speak for evil more often than good, and everything that does not fall into one of those categories is just useless, in his opinion.]
This is one of those sentences I referred to up above. Mason has such interesting perceptions of the world, and they are all full of emotion and imagination. Part of me wonders if the all the greatest writers aren't a bit insane, because sometimes it feels like we are the only ones able to see the world for what it truly is or has the potential to be.
Meh, I'm rambling again, haha. But I can't help it, because your writing prompts me to think of things I don't normally thing about. So thank you for that - it is very refreshing.
Ah, you have so many wonderful sentences in this chapter, I really love it. You have this way of describing things with methods I've never seen used before, and it gives you this very unique, creepy style that makes me think of Stephen King. He's a great author, by the way. Your use of personification is really breath-taking - I've always been a fan of giving human attributes to inanimate objects. It makes everything jump to life and breathe on its own - just like the walls. It's very beautiful and eerie at the same time, and I think that's what makes this story leave such an impact. You address horrible things, show us the desperation a human can experience when unable to fall any further, and yet there is still strength inside them to keep going. It's a wonderful message, and it's one I myself use quite often. If I may make the comparison, I can't help but think our infatuation with the darkest corners of the human mind are very similar.
[Not for the way it looks, but because Mason doesn't think that humans should have mouths; they use their ability to speak for evil more often than good, and everything that does not fall into one of those categories is just useless, in his opinion.]
This is one of those sentences I referred to up above. Mason has such interesting perceptions of the world, and they are all full of emotion and imagination. Part of me wonders if the all the greatest writers aren't a bit insane, because sometimes it feels like we are the only ones able to see the world for what it truly is or has the potential to be.
Meh, I'm rambling again, haha. But I can't help it, because your writing prompts me to think of things I don't normally thing about. So thank you for that - it is very refreshing.
7/28/2011 c7 Dr. Self Destruct
I like the strong voice Mason has, and how although he's been through all of this, he still retains some of his sanity. It shows how strong he is, and how he retains a grip on his reality, through it may be slipping day by day. I can definitely see him lasting long enough to get out of this place, he just screams of this hidden power that'll protect him until he can break free. And I think the destruction of the mirror room does great in personifying this power. I wonder if he'll ever learn how to control it - that could lead to some potentially destructive actions, haha.
Maybe the doctors want to help these kids to control their powers so they can exploit them in the future. And considering how things are working out, I'm wondering if the asylum's staff is also aware of this war going on in Heaven. Hmm... maybe there's an ulterior motive behind all of this. I remember playing a video game where the main antagonist attempts to get closer to Heaven by using mythical objects so he can obtain the power of God and become God. This kinda makes me think of that, but on a smaller, more personal scale.
Bah, sorry I'm babbling. I'm eager to see what this Doctor Ice has in mind - he is such a deliciously evil man. I highly enjoyed the dialogue between him and Mason.
I like the strong voice Mason has, and how although he's been through all of this, he still retains some of his sanity. It shows how strong he is, and how he retains a grip on his reality, through it may be slipping day by day. I can definitely see him lasting long enough to get out of this place, he just screams of this hidden power that'll protect him until he can break free. And I think the destruction of the mirror room does great in personifying this power. I wonder if he'll ever learn how to control it - that could lead to some potentially destructive actions, haha.
Maybe the doctors want to help these kids to control their powers so they can exploit them in the future. And considering how things are working out, I'm wondering if the asylum's staff is also aware of this war going on in Heaven. Hmm... maybe there's an ulterior motive behind all of this. I remember playing a video game where the main antagonist attempts to get closer to Heaven by using mythical objects so he can obtain the power of God and become God. This kinda makes me think of that, but on a smaller, more personal scale.
Bah, sorry I'm babbling. I'm eager to see what this Doctor Ice has in mind - he is such a deliciously evil man. I highly enjoyed the dialogue between him and Mason.