for As It Is In Heaven7/28/2011 c6 
5Dr. Self Destruct
There's so much emotion in this chapter, it really tears at my heart. But then again, there's so much emotion in all of these chapters. It's very heart wrenching, knowing there are people in the world that have dealt, and/or are dealing with these problems. It makes me feel silly for fretting about my own issues.
In the beginning here, where we get to see what's happening to Mason, everything is just so... perfectly horrible. In a good way. You have an amazing talent at pouring all these things from your fingers onto the document. Everything I read in these chapters makes me sad, considering what you've told me about your own personal experiences.
[When he turns his attention away from the words in the ceiling, he's faced again with himself...]
This whole paragraph is amazing, and I really appreciate the raw images you paint, especially concerning the 'pulpy organs' and 'plastic skin-bag'. Ugh, it really makes me shudder, and it perfectly gets across the horrible things taking place. The things Mason had to do in order to get his drugs, the things he did to try and keep his sanity, make me cringe. It's terrible how his father treats him, and even more terrible is, once again, knowing this happens all too often in the world. If Mason had just a bit of understanding from his parents, as opposed to the unrelenting discipline/shouts of disappointed, he could be such a different person. Maybe even happy.
The part at the end with Hunter is also so sad. You do such a great job at showing us all these people's hurts and woes. I hope I don't come across as rude when saying this, but the fact that you can express your character's setting and feelings at such a young age in your writing career is really incredible. I wish I had your talent at that age.
5Dr. Self DestructThere's so much emotion in this chapter, it really tears at my heart. But then again, there's so much emotion in all of these chapters. It's very heart wrenching, knowing there are people in the world that have dealt, and/or are dealing with these problems. It makes me feel silly for fretting about my own issues.
In the beginning here, where we get to see what's happening to Mason, everything is just so... perfectly horrible. In a good way. You have an amazing talent at pouring all these things from your fingers onto the document. Everything I read in these chapters makes me sad, considering what you've told me about your own personal experiences.
[When he turns his attention away from the words in the ceiling, he's faced again with himself...]
This whole paragraph is amazing, and I really appreciate the raw images you paint, especially concerning the 'pulpy organs' and 'plastic skin-bag'. Ugh, it really makes me shudder, and it perfectly gets across the horrible things taking place. The things Mason had to do in order to get his drugs, the things he did to try and keep his sanity, make me cringe. It's terrible how his father treats him, and even more terrible is, once again, knowing this happens all too often in the world. If Mason had just a bit of understanding from his parents, as opposed to the unrelenting discipline/shouts of disappointed, he could be such a different person. Maybe even happy.
The part at the end with Hunter is also so sad. You do such a great job at showing us all these people's hurts and woes. I hope I don't come across as rude when saying this, but the fact that you can express your character's setting and feelings at such a young age in your writing career is really incredible. I wish I had your talent at that age.
7/27/2011 c5 Dr. Self Destruct
Wow, I think this is my favorite chapter so far. You did a great job in showing Mason's insanity through the way he itched his arm until it started to bleed, and the way he talks to the nurse trying to help him. At first I thought he seemed a bit normal, almost too normal (probably because he kept trying to tell people he wasn't crazy, attempting to convince himself just as much) but here we get to see his mental instability truly shine. The way you meld everything together (what Mason's feeling and what's really happening) is so surreal and chilling. It makes me wonder what's real and what isn't - you do a great job of making the insanity leak out of your words and infect the reader. In a good way, of course.
At least he isn't alone. It's reassuring to see Mason has others he can rely on to talk about this strange burden, and it appears I was correct about the whole ESP thing. Yay, go me! Haha. But yeah, I enjoy the subtle little 'gifts' you've given to a few of them - it's very believable and not too far-fetched. I wonder what Mason's power is? If he has one, that is.
The very end of this chapter was great. I really enjoyed the formatting, especially when the voice is yelling at Mason to run. I was on the edge of my seat while reading those last few paragraphs - I felt almost like I was in Mason's head. Great job; you're skills at showing the minds of the mentally unstable are commendable.
I hope this doesn't give me nightmares tonight... haha.
Wow, I think this is my favorite chapter so far. You did a great job in showing Mason's insanity through the way he itched his arm until it started to bleed, and the way he talks to the nurse trying to help him. At first I thought he seemed a bit normal, almost too normal (probably because he kept trying to tell people he wasn't crazy, attempting to convince himself just as much) but here we get to see his mental instability truly shine. The way you meld everything together (what Mason's feeling and what's really happening) is so surreal and chilling. It makes me wonder what's real and what isn't - you do a great job of making the insanity leak out of your words and infect the reader. In a good way, of course.
At least he isn't alone. It's reassuring to see Mason has others he can rely on to talk about this strange burden, and it appears I was correct about the whole ESP thing. Yay, go me! Haha. But yeah, I enjoy the subtle little 'gifts' you've given to a few of them - it's very believable and not too far-fetched. I wonder what Mason's power is? If he has one, that is.
The very end of this chapter was great. I really enjoyed the formatting, especially when the voice is yelling at Mason to run. I was on the edge of my seat while reading those last few paragraphs - I felt almost like I was in Mason's head. Great job; you're skills at showing the minds of the mentally unstable are commendable.
I hope this doesn't give me nightmares tonight... haha.
7/27/2011 c4 Dr. Self Destruct
Hmm, I'm really enjoying this concept of an alternate world possibly leaking into their own world. I'm wondering if it's truly real, this war in Heaven, or if it's all in their imagination. Considering it's more than Mason that's apparently being effected by it, I'm thinking it's the former.
Perhaps the demon things Hunter is drawing picked them because of their mental instability - maybe it makes them easier to manipulate because of it. Or maybe it brings them closer to this Heaven place through a strange form of enlightenment. And then there's always the possibility that because they were chosen they were driven insane by it... ah, I have so many different assumptions, but I'm not sure if any of these are even close to being correct, haha. I enjoy the potential depth this story promises.
And poor Mason with his withdrawals. It must be hell to deal with that on top of everything else. I wonder if he'll ever get to physically meet those angels in his dreams...
[She needs to have them above her head like dreamcatchers, swallowing up her nightmares.]
I really enjoyed this sentence and the image of dreamcatchers "swallowing up nightmares".
Hmm, I'm really enjoying this concept of an alternate world possibly leaking into their own world. I'm wondering if it's truly real, this war in Heaven, or if it's all in their imagination. Considering it's more than Mason that's apparently being effected by it, I'm thinking it's the former.
Perhaps the demon things Hunter is drawing picked them because of their mental instability - maybe it makes them easier to manipulate because of it. Or maybe it brings them closer to this Heaven place through a strange form of enlightenment. And then there's always the possibility that because they were chosen they were driven insane by it... ah, I have so many different assumptions, but I'm not sure if any of these are even close to being correct, haha. I enjoy the potential depth this story promises.
And poor Mason with his withdrawals. It must be hell to deal with that on top of everything else. I wonder if he'll ever get to physically meet those angels in his dreams...
[She needs to have them above her head like dreamcatchers, swallowing up her nightmares.]
I really enjoyed this sentence and the image of dreamcatchers "swallowing up nightmares".
7/27/2011 c2 Dr. Self Destruct
I like how in the beginning here you tell a bit of the chapter from Angel's point of view. The rhythm of your sentences is interesting - the way you repeat certain words and Angel's name make it wound almost like the lyrics to a song. It has a unique tempo, and I think it reads very nicely. It does well in adding suspense to the situation, considering Mason is obviously troubled and beating into his pillow. I like the part where Angel relaxes when he finds out Mason is only concerned with himself dying instead of killing other people, haha.
The mentioning of his two friends makes me wonder what exactly happened to them. I know one is missing and the other is dead, and so far I've been given a glimpse of the girl's death, but I'm very interested to learn about the entire series of events. That's a good thing - it keeps the reader wanting more and looking for hints to figure out the answer for ourselves.
Heh, Mason's habits make me smile. He seems very snarky, maybe even arrogant at times. Or possible just laid back. Either way, I always enjoy those type of personalities - probably because I'm a rather cynical person myself. The introduction of the other characters was fun to read, and it shows me what type of personalities are locked up there with him. Aside from Mason and Angel, I think I like the "Crazy Purple-Headed Bitch" the most, haha. I'm wondering what role they're going to play in the rest of the story.
I like how in the beginning here you tell a bit of the chapter from Angel's point of view. The rhythm of your sentences is interesting - the way you repeat certain words and Angel's name make it wound almost like the lyrics to a song. It has a unique tempo, and I think it reads very nicely. It does well in adding suspense to the situation, considering Mason is obviously troubled and beating into his pillow. I like the part where Angel relaxes when he finds out Mason is only concerned with himself dying instead of killing other people, haha.
The mentioning of his two friends makes me wonder what exactly happened to them. I know one is missing and the other is dead, and so far I've been given a glimpse of the girl's death, but I'm very interested to learn about the entire series of events. That's a good thing - it keeps the reader wanting more and looking for hints to figure out the answer for ourselves.
Heh, Mason's habits make me smile. He seems very snarky, maybe even arrogant at times. Or possible just laid back. Either way, I always enjoy those type of personalities - probably because I'm a rather cynical person myself. The introduction of the other characters was fun to read, and it shows me what type of personalities are locked up there with him. Aside from Mason and Angel, I think I like the "Crazy Purple-Headed Bitch" the most, haha. I'm wondering what role they're going to play in the rest of the story.
7/27/2011 c1 31HK Shmetty
This is seriously professional writing! I loved your descriptions and Mason's characterization is amazing. I can't wait to read on.
31HK ShmettyThis is seriously professional writing! I loved your descriptions and Mason's characterization is amazing. I can't wait to read on.
7/27/2011 c13 15disrhythmic
You have a talent for scaring the bejeezus out of me. :P That said, I'm really enjoying this. Can't wait to see where it goes next. ^^
15disrhythmicYou have a talent for scaring the bejeezus out of me. :P That said, I'm really enjoying this. Can't wait to see where it goes next. ^^
7/27/2011 c1 5Dr. Self Destruct
I have to say your descriptions of the city here in the beginning are very breathtaking - they set the scene with a certain tone that matches the genre. I enjoyed the image of the skyscrapers piercing the blue sky; it gives a foreboding sensation of violation, and kinda foreshadows the ominous tone for the rest of the story. The image of there being a lack of stars in the sky tells a lot about the current condition of the city, how the beauties of nature are long gone and replaced by the harsh cement of civilization. The first few paragraphs alone show us a lot about the inhabitants, so good job with such a powerful opening.
The setting of an asylum will always freak me out, no matter how daunting or cheery it might be. I think you do a wonderful job in painting the picture of the asylum, what with the chaotic staircases and the unkind staff. It makes me shudder thinking of the place.
[she was his bloodstained ballerina, a nymph-like girl with short-cropped platinum hair and big brown doe eyes, twig legs and hip bones.]
I really loved this description - it's beautiful and gory all at the same time.
This war in Heaven sounds intriguing. I'm assuming it's something going on in his imagination, and that's why he was admitted into a psyche ward in the past. Very cool - I've always enjoyed stories that venture into the capabilities of the human mind and the convincing hallucinations we can create for ourselves. That little addition of the walls breathing was very eerie - I've actually used that myself a few times. Very cool.
Overall, I think this sounds like a very interesting story. I'll probably come back later to read more, because your setting and characters intrigue me. I'm looking forward to seeing what this 'Heaven' in Mason's mind is like.
5Dr. Self DestructI have to say your descriptions of the city here in the beginning are very breathtaking - they set the scene with a certain tone that matches the genre. I enjoyed the image of the skyscrapers piercing the blue sky; it gives a foreboding sensation of violation, and kinda foreshadows the ominous tone for the rest of the story. The image of there being a lack of stars in the sky tells a lot about the current condition of the city, how the beauties of nature are long gone and replaced by the harsh cement of civilization. The first few paragraphs alone show us a lot about the inhabitants, so good job with such a powerful opening.
The setting of an asylum will always freak me out, no matter how daunting or cheery it might be. I think you do a wonderful job in painting the picture of the asylum, what with the chaotic staircases and the unkind staff. It makes me shudder thinking of the place.
[she was his bloodstained ballerina, a nymph-like girl with short-cropped platinum hair and big brown doe eyes, twig legs and hip bones.]
I really loved this description - it's beautiful and gory all at the same time.
This war in Heaven sounds intriguing. I'm assuming it's something going on in his imagination, and that's why he was admitted into a psyche ward in the past. Very cool - I've always enjoyed stories that venture into the capabilities of the human mind and the convincing hallucinations we can create for ourselves. That little addition of the walls breathing was very eerie - I've actually used that myself a few times. Very cool.
Overall, I think this sounds like a very interesting story. I'll probably come back later to read more, because your setting and characters intrigue me. I'm looking forward to seeing what this 'Heaven' in Mason's mind is like.
7/26/2011 c11 15disrhythmic
Whoa. O.O I love some of the small details you add in, like the two sets of teeth. Very creepy. I can't wait to see where this goes. :D
15disrhythmicWhoa. O.O I love some of the small details you add in, like the two sets of teeth. Very creepy. I can't wait to see where this goes. :D
7/26/2011 c1 3twocars23
I liked the first chapter: great description of both characters and the surroundings
I think that you need improvement on the one part of when he has that flash back or something i got confused but other than that i love your writing style and I can tell that this is going to be a great story! If i have time i will read and review the rest of the chapters :)
3twocars23I liked the first chapter: great description of both characters and the surroundings
I think that you need improvement on the one part of when he has that flash back or something i got confused but other than that i love your writing style and I can tell that this is going to be a great story! If i have time i will read and review the rest of the chapters :)
7/26/2011 c10 15disrhythmic
Answer me something: why are you playing around here when you could be getting this published? ^^
15disrhythmicAnswer me something: why are you playing around here when you could be getting this published? ^^
7/26/2011 c1 Elle Thunder Bird
Wow. This is really amazing. I got sucked into it right away. You're an awesome writer.
Wow. This is really amazing. I got sucked into it right away. You're an awesome writer.
7/25/2011 c8 disrhythmic
Excuse me while I pick my jaw up off the floor. That was... intense. Seriously, wow. This story hits me harder than the Hunger Games. I liked this line in particular... "...they use their ability to speak for evil more often than good, and everything that does not fall into one of those categories is just useless, in his opinion." So true.
Excuse me while I pick my jaw up off the floor. That was... intense. Seriously, wow. This story hits me harder than the Hunger Games. I liked this line in particular... "...they use their ability to speak for evil more often than good, and everything that does not fall into one of those categories is just useless, in his opinion." So true.
7/24/2011 c6 Miko Noriko
I really like your story so far. It's very edgy, very cool - very much an enjoyable series of twists and turns. I'll read your next chapters when I'm back in the US. :)
I really like your story so far. It's very edgy, very cool - very much an enjoyable series of twists and turns. I'll read your next chapters when I'm back in the US. :)
7/24/2011 c6 disrhythmic
I won't lie, this was terrifying. Very enjoyable, but terrifying all the same. :P It preyed on a lot of my own fears. I liked the ending to this chapter in particular.
I won't lie, this was terrifying. Very enjoyable, but terrifying all the same. :P It preyed on a lot of my own fears. I liked the ending to this chapter in particular.