for motion9/5/2011 c1 Sepulchred
I really like what you've done here. The imagery put across is extremely powerful and your choice of words is exquisite. There are, however, a few minor details (this is me being anal) that would prevent me from putting this onto my favorites list:
1. Punctuation - there isn't enough of it, which makes it kind of awkward because I don't know where one part/idea ends and the other begins.
2. Connecting Words - you've hardly used any, and I find myself searching for some sort of link between sentences and ideas, which takes a long time and makes me dizzy.
3. ERUPTING INTO LIGHT - I realise that it's supposed to be a big burst of [something], but I find that the capitalisation of it gets it the way and is distracting. I would have preferred italics, because that would have made it more elegant and more seamless. It would have been just as emphatic, but more refined. (I'm just being silly, here. Sorry.)
(Honestly, I'm going to put it on the list anyway.)
I really like what you've done here. The imagery put across is extremely powerful and your choice of words is exquisite. There are, however, a few minor details (this is me being anal) that would prevent me from putting this onto my favorites list:
1. Punctuation - there isn't enough of it, which makes it kind of awkward because I don't know where one part/idea ends and the other begins.
2. Connecting Words - you've hardly used any, and I find myself searching for some sort of link between sentences and ideas, which takes a long time and makes me dizzy.
3. ERUPTING INTO LIGHT - I realise that it's supposed to be a big burst of [something], but I find that the capitalisation of it gets it the way and is distracting. I would have preferred italics, because that would have made it more elegant and more seamless. It would have been just as emphatic, but more refined. (I'm just being silly, here. Sorry.)
(Honestly, I'm going to put it on the list anyway.)
8/29/2011 c1 
105qubed
"...like the inadequacy of words/frustrated into touch"
"pulling out roots and then afterwards planting seeds/for a season that will determine the rest of our lives"
Succulent. Bravo
105qubed"...like the inadequacy of words/frustrated into touch"
"pulling out roots and then afterwards planting seeds/for a season that will determine the rest of our lives"
Succulent. Bravo
8/1/2011 c1 212we must reinvent love
i did enjoy this piece. the first few lines draw in very well. and the last words are rather powerful. very nice work! -j.
212we must reinvent lovei did enjoy this piece. the first few lines draw in very well. and the last words are rather powerful. very nice work! -j.