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for Little Red

3/11/2013 c1 4Frayling0
Love the gender swapped concept here - gives a fresh twist to an old tale. I'm sure your writing has improved loads since you began Journeyman Shaman, that's very evident here in your command of pacing and sentences. Nice one, I really look forward to reading more of this! :)
6/14/2012 c7 99Dreamers-Requiem
As usual, I think you have a really great plot - the characters are really unique and different, and there's some nice humour in here, too. Great job. In terms of grammar, there were a few things I picked up on. I'll only mention a few here -

[Magic mirrors were rather useful when one wanted to get a good eyes view.] The 'eyes' there makes it sound a bit awkward; you could drop it, as the sentence would make sense without it.

[He had expected the wizard to have died in the cavern below. Seeing as he was stuck in his amphibious form.] Would flow better as one sentence, if you replace the full-stop with a comma.

[but the idea of his enemies slowly dying in a land they could never survive in, the thought made him tingle with excitement.] Because you have 'but the idea' at the start there, you don't need 'the thought' later. Just (but the idea of his enemies slowly dying in a land they could never survive in made him tingle with excitment.)

[much about the caverns, or underworld as it could also be called,] YOu could drop 'as if could also be called' as the reader already knows this.

[the relayed images would play back on his mirror.] The 'would' doesn't fit there; maybe just (the relayed images playing back on his mirror.)

[You can't escape from me my little Red." Briar chuckled.] If someone is addressing someone in speech, there should be a comma, and a comma at the end if it's followed by a speech tag, so ("You can't escape from me, my little Red," Briar chuckled.)

Like I said, just a few of the things I noticed - hope they help!
5/2/2012 c6 Dreamers-Requiem
As always, really liking the plot and characters. I like how we got to hear a bit more about the rebellion, the fruit, and Red's possible role in it all. Good job. Like I've said before, there are just some instances where sentences are a little too long or awkward. I won't go through them all, but I will point a couple out for you -

[As big as the trash pile it was, perhaps even larger.] Feel like the 'it was' is in the wrong place here. Maybe (It was as big as the trash pile, perhaps bigger.)

[The only that would further detract, was the lack of a tail.] Personally, I feel like this doesn't make a lot of sense; it feels a bit disconnected from the rest. Maybe (Red couldn't help but notice the lack of a tail) or something?

[That wasn't really an important matter at hand, but it still raised a question of her motives, at least to herself.] I think this could be simplified, in a way. You could even cut it out.

[Flies would be most appropriate for Red and Kala felt that way compared to their pursuer.] Again, this isn't really needed - it's implied but the other things around it.

[only to meet face to face with the monster.] meet doesn't sound quite right there, maybe (only to find himself face to face with the monster)

[Why wasn't it?] Like the tail thing, this feels almost disconnected from the rest. Maybe (Why didn't it come?)

[The wolf didn't answer seeing as she had her mouth currently was full of monster skin.] Bit of an awkward sentence; I would suggest cutting out the 'was' to make it flow better.

[The wolf held an intensified expression upon her face. ] Just a bit lengthy; you could cut out the 'upon her face'.

Just a few suggestions regarding a few things I noticed; hope they help!
3/27/2012 c5 Dreamers-Requiem
Like I said before, some sentences are just too wordy. Watch out for simply stating things, too, or telling, rather than showing. [suddenly felt weakened for some reason. The moment he heard something, his whole body felt light for some reason.] Or being too repetitive; for example, with that, you could drop both the (for some reason)s. [That and the boy nearly fell over had she not prevented his fall.] Just sounds slightly odd. Maybe something like (Plus, the boy would have fallen, had she not prevented it.) [Kala replied with her own question,] is overly wordy and a bit telling, rather than showing. Maybe just drop the 'with her own question'. [Red felt surprised at the length. "Really?"] Again, too telling; show us how he is surprised, show us his emotions/reactions etc. A few more throughout but it's mostly similar stuff. Just keep an eye out for things like that as you're writing.
2/11/2012 c4 Dreamers-Requiem
As always, I really like the characters and ideas coming through here, and it's such an interesting read. Just a few tiny things to point out - some of the sentences feel just a little too wordy, I would suggest re-reading them and seeing if they would make sense without certain words. [Red awoke with a pounding headache, his vision] I think you could change the 'awoke' to 'woke' and stop the sentence after headache, staring a new one with "His vision..." [come to his full senses.] Could drop the 'full'. [How had it come to this he asked himself.] You could maybe put a full-stop after 'this' and drop the rest of the sentence. [(or not so simple depending on the point of view)] Similarly, you could drop that - it's not really needed. [Everything had fallen apart then and there, if he had only stayed at home.] Sounds like everything would have fallen apart if he had stayed at hiome. Maybe split it into two sentences before 'if', and put an exclaimation mark after 'home'? A few more things like that through the rest that you may just want to keep an eye out for. Other than that, yeah, good stuff and I'm really enjoying this!
1/8/2012 c3 Dreamers-Requiem
I like the way you're mixing different fairytales in with this, using inspiration from them (such as with the heart and stuff), and I think it works really well, so great job with that. Your writing is, without a doubt, improving too. Just a couple of things you might want to watch out for - [Or at least, he would have. Kala had taken careful] could flow better as (he would have, if Kala had not taken...) [walk along the path, leading out of the village.] don't need a comma there. :) [Red thanks his saviors.] could cut that out, as what he says does a good job of informing us of this. [The heart? Red had no idea what he meant by that.] If he has no idea what they mean, why does he then say the villagers didn't hide me, when all he knows is they;'re looking for people who hid the heart? Just watch out for things like that, it'll really help the flow and pace of the story. Other than that, I really like the world you're building up and the different characters you're adding in, great stuff!
12/19/2011 c1 1esthaelum
Ooh, is this a retelling of Little Red Riding Hood? It certainly looks very interesting so far! I love your description on the first three paragraphs. I can really imagine the scenery very clearly :) The way you told us about the boy makes it sound like a fairytale, but also more mature and sophisticated.

I really like the twist here! Instead of the wolf being a boy, its a girl, and Little Red is a boy! It's really interesting and original :D

Kala's pretty freaky... I suddenly feel very sorry for Boy. I wouldnt want to have someone like her hunting me down...

Anyway, this was a great start! I love fairytales, and I am really intruiged to read more :)
11/16/2011 c2 99Dreamers-Requiem
Firstly, sorry it's taken so long to review this; been busy with Uni work and the like. Anyway; as I said before, I love the tone of this and the fairytale feel to it, as well as the twist you have on the fairytale. The main things I'd point out would be that some of the sentences are a bit long/awkward sounding; ["Thank you maam." He thanked politely.] need a comma before the 'ma'am', and I think you could drop the 'he thanked politely', it's a little bit tell rather than show. [It was a joke but she was correct on that matter. The fact that Boy chocked on his cocoa confirmed the somewhat suspicion. The latter etched upon the huntswoman's face. She didn't press it much for fear of scaring off the young one.] You could cut this down quite a bit; I'd suggest getting rid of the first sentece, and 'the fact that', 'somewhat' and the 'the later' to 'face.' Few more examples of that sort of thing but I think the best thing I could say is, when you're reading a sentence, if it makes sense without a word then cut the word out. :) Anyway, I'll try to review the next chapter quicker than I got to this one. Keep it up :)
10/16/2011 c1 7Fans'R Us
There's a few typos and other errors and such. Those such things are so important though.

I have a lot of questions to ask, but I figure I should read the rest of the chapters before asking them.

Other than that, I felt it was pretty good; intriguing and what not.

The only real criticism I have is that I felt that last few paragraphs were needlessly vague. Maybe not, but I feel that if you were going to introduce a new character that was fantasized with the box, you could either do it in a new chapter, or expand upon a little more. I understand the purpose of shrouding it to entice people, but something seems out of place.

In fact, as I write this, I think it's more of an issue that 'boy' makes a parting observation of the box, and then it jumps to Kala (who at least seems to have no interest in the box), and then it returns to the box. Not really sure how to fix it, but I think it would help to make the end of the chapter flow better.
10/16/2011 c4 123A Fire Rose
For one, any time you string together italicised words, the spaces are being deleted. Happened to me, too, so I had to edit it. "As the clouds began to clear away, he could now see where he was, unsurprisingly, a dungeon" would probably be more accurate as "As the clouds began to clear away, he could now see where he was: unsurprisingly, a dungeon." And "How had it come to this he asked himself." is a little awkwardly phrased. There should be a comma between "simple" and depending" in "(or not so simple depending on the point of view)." The word "were" after "difference" should be "was." The sentence "Seeing the door, and at what just happened, Red tried it again." does not make sense. "Why in the dungeons my lord." should be "Why, in the dungeons, my lord." "The captain felt an urge to back away pricking at the back of him" is a little awkwardly phrased. Maybe say "at his back," or not use "back" twice? "What are your orders sir?" should be "What are your orders, sir?"

All right, I won't do any more comma fixes. Maybe instead of "Ahwooo," say the thing howled? Perhaps "un fond" would be better "un-fond."

This may be random, but I love the names of your characters. And that Kala and Red don't have the usual instant bond that seems to characterize most fantasies. The idea of fear serving as salt is a fascinating one. I also like that a large amount of tobacco is the only thing to hamper wolf scent. The fact that she can smell musk as well as blood seems very realistic. It interests me that you describe Rumple as a demon. The "ugh" before saying Kala groaned is a bit redundant. I like the comparison of Kala's fire burning out. Not sure why she would note all the bad aspects of her life while she was dying, especially because it says she would have if she was not dying. I also like the imagery of the fire and the rain with Rumple. I wouldn't add "and then he was gone" after he died, though, because the story is from his perspective at this point. And, when he dies, there is no one to carry on his perspective. How old is Red? I imagine him as just a little guy. And I imagined Rumple as looking wolvish until you said troll/goblin. Then I pictured a sort of orc. Not sure if that's what you were going for. I thought this would be a spin-off of Little Red Riding Hood, but it is unique, and I like that.
9/21/2011 c1 99Dreamers-Requiem
Great to see something new(ish) from you! And I think your writing has, without a doubt, really improved. I love the idea for this, and I really like the touch of Boy not having a name. Just a few things I picked up on which you may want to consider if/when you edit this; [The darkness blanketed his steps and surrounded him in its blanketed grasp.] maybe take out one of the 'blanketed', you could change the second half to "and covered him in its grasp", perhaps? [it was the one thing she hadn't taken from him.] Just to help the flow there, you could drop the 'it was'. [Also thirst burned at his throat.] Again, just for the flow, you could drop 'also'. I really like the style of this, very fairy tale-esque, and I liked the introduction of the wolfess, too. When the wolf is speaking, she askes his name then the next paragraph continues with her speaking and without him answering; maybe have them in the same paragraph as it's the same speaker? Anyway, really good stuff and I'll be reading the next chapter soon!
8/25/2011 c2 3Aprotny
Great story so far! Keep writing!
8/5/2011 c1 3Silent Winter
Wow! What a fascinating concept! I really like how you turned the concept of Little Red Riding Hood around and made it about a little boy who gets lost, rather than a girl going to her grandmother's house. Although I wonder if there will be a grandfather/mother-ish figure appearing, since we already have the wolf and the hunter? Anyway, I like Kala! She sounds like one awesome she-wolf, even if she is a little meand and likes eating children... I'm an adult so we can hang, lol!

Also, I want to commend you on the construction of the story. Your sentence structure and word choice makes this a whimsical read that really transports me into a fairytale world. I love it! And poor Boy! Erasing his name was a nice touch to enforce what a horrible woman his stepmother is.

Just a couple of grammatical things I noticed...

"The darkness blanketed his steps and surrounded him in its blanketed grasp." - If you can, try not to use the same word twice in the same sentence. ;)

"A childish reach tugged at his mind." I am not trying to sound mean, but I do not understand what you are implying with this sentence... Maybe rephrase it?

These two sentences need commas.

'"My(,) must be a boring place."

"Now(,) now, don't be shy, tell Kala what's the matter."'

Also, a bit on the veal thing... Veal is typically used in reference to beef that is not allowed exercise and fed a special diet.

...Anyway, there are more awesome things I must tell you about your story!

"Something had to be watching him, just waiting to snatch him up and nibble him down to bones." - THIS SENTENCE IS LOVE! ...Just thought you should know. :D It sent shivers up and down my spine. For me, it was very visual and I could simply SEE the teeth of the wolf lurking in the background, ready to gobble up our cute little her! By the by, I just want to give him a hug! He is so adorable and innocent. I feel so bad for what happened with his stepmother! :(

"Her magnolias remained unwatered, and he found himself lost." - This is another fantastic sentence. It is subliminally descriptive and carries lots of meaning! Whilst insinuating something physical, such as the flowers wilting, you are inadvertently telling us how lazy the stepmother is and what an important part of her life Boy is and how helpless they both are without the other! I hope Boy can find himself!

Also, what is the importance of the box, I wonder? Part of me feels that you wouldn't continue to remind the reader about it if you didn't have plot bunnies waiting to pounce!

I can't WAIT for the next chapter! Seriously! Please update soon! This modern twist on fairytales is simply fascinating!



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