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for Eastern Winds

12/15/2011 c5 7Caisele
Writing: just a suggestion - short sentences placed strategically between longer sentences breaks up the text so it's easier to read. I find that when most of the paragraphs are similar lengths comprehension requires more effort, and again, as an online story readers don't want to put in too much effort.

Character: why is Eurus not very concerned about his current situation? Is this normal? Actually, what is normal in this world?

Plot: now we get the idea - ghost city, mad sultan, something crazy is going down - but I'm still pretty confused as to where this is going. Eurus doesn't seem to have a plan here.

Enjoyment: if I was in the mood to think about things this is a good story to read, but as it happens when I am on FP I don't want to think, I want to do a little escapism. Yes, the story is well written (technically speaking), yes it is interesting, but if I see it as I'm browsing I would not stop to click on it.
12/15/2011 c4 Caisele
Setting: when describing the ghost city there are visual descriptions, like colors and the people there, but there was no smell, no sound, no touch descriptions. This makes the descriptions feel like there is something missing (unless this is intentional since this IS a ghost city).

Scene: the back-story about Gem is nicely done. I like how it makes the character more human.

Character: Eurus is more engaging in this chapter. The dialogues and his lie tells more about him than his thoughts.

Ending: another cliff-hanger. The girl at the end is well-placed, she makes me want to read on.
12/15/2011 c3 Caisele
Soo I just went onto your author profile page and read the blurb about this story so I'm reading it on Tumblr now. The pictures definitely help fill in some of the blanks I've been encountering.

Plot: so far I feel the story is progressing too slowly. I think I understand what you are trying to do but there needs to be a solid tangible plot inside here that is clearly discernible to the reader.

Writing style: this is well written (like I said before) and the words you use are well chosen. But I feel I am getting kind of lost.

Character: I still don't feel I know anything about the protagonist/narrator yet. I don't feel I can relate with Eurus, however the conversation with Jin helps makes the character more real for me.

Writing (in general): I think the stories within the story, i.e. the ones about Omar should have some immediate effect on the plot/character in order for it to feel like it's necessary to the plot. The writing feels...vague. I don't know how to describe it.
12/15/2011 c2 Caisele
First thing is: the prologue doesn't exactly have what you'd call a hook, but it's mysterious and I think it sets up the tone of the story well. It's the kind of beginning to a story that you'd find at a bookstore, but as an online story I'd say it'll be harder for people to sink their teeth (eyes?) into it. But it is well written.

Second thing (this chapter): there are a lot of new concepts, ideas, and people introduced, and it gets a little overwhelming. Also there are a lot of metaphors, and this combined with the fantastical elements of this story makes the narration seems...not solid? A bit of dialogue earlier on in this chapter would help the reader gain their footing, so to speak.

Third thing: I find that when the protagonist is identified in an explicit way (i.e. they're described in terms of appearance or something like that) readers will relate to them easier and quicker, and be more likely to continue reading. By the end of this chapter I feel I still don't know anything about the narrator yet.

Last thing: I like the ending to this chapter, it leaves me on a cliff - literally - and I feel the need to read on. All in all, the whole chapter is well written. I don't have enough info to talk about plot yet, but I'll get there.
9/10/2011 c4 the lioness lives
I - I don't know what to say.

This is too good.

I am almost speechless.




the lioness lives
8/20/2011 c1 7SJR
I love your first chapter: it sounds so profound!

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