for Free Fall8/7/2011 c3 
3SweetUnknown
I can't believe you ever scrapped your stuff. You are an awesome writer! Blood as property? Blood drive conspiracies? I read (too much) a lot of genre fiction and these are truly unique ideas that I've never seen before and I'm loving it. The second one could be its own short story!
As for Francis, I'm still dying to know why she chose to go into teaching, but I'm glad the timeline of it was clarified. Rick has my full attention now, and I just have to compliment you all over again because you hooked my interest with one freaking detail: he leaves his door open. The reasoning behind it could be anything, and now I need to know!
Great job! Can't wait for the next chapter :)
3SweetUnknownI can't believe you ever scrapped your stuff. You are an awesome writer! Blood as property? Blood drive conspiracies? I read (too much) a lot of genre fiction and these are truly unique ideas that I've never seen before and I'm loving it. The second one could be its own short story!
As for Francis, I'm still dying to know why she chose to go into teaching, but I'm glad the timeline of it was clarified. Rick has my full attention now, and I just have to compliment you all over again because you hooked my interest with one freaking detail: he leaves his door open. The reasoning behind it could be anything, and now I need to know!
Great job! Can't wait for the next chapter :)
8/6/2011 c3 8Macy Pearson
I really REALLY like your development and descriptions. Like, really. Every person introduced feels so unique.
(And the grammar Nazi is pleased with your new dashes and wants to plead to being a nice grammar Nazi? Haha. One thing though-Unless you're referring to a different author of Twilight, her name is actually Steph*e*nie Meyer. Just thought I'd point it out for correctness and whatnot... Some people spell it wrong intentionally...)
Poor Franky. Once again, I enjoy the differences in this plot. A teacher, and she's actually on a cure (that happens to be failing)? Absolutely crazy. I'm also quite curious about when she got turned/how it happened.
8Macy PearsonI really REALLY like your development and descriptions. Like, really. Every person introduced feels so unique.
(And the grammar Nazi is pleased with your new dashes and wants to plead to being a nice grammar Nazi? Haha. One thing though-Unless you're referring to a different author of Twilight, her name is actually Steph*e*nie Meyer. Just thought I'd point it out for correctness and whatnot... Some people spell it wrong intentionally...)
Poor Franky. Once again, I enjoy the differences in this plot. A teacher, and she's actually on a cure (that happens to be failing)? Absolutely crazy. I'm also quite curious about when she got turned/how it happened.
8/4/2011 c2 3SweetUnknown
Wow, so far this is very good, and extremely well written besides a few grammar hiccups. Remember that you always put a comma before someone’s name when they’re being addressed. Ex:
“Yes, Jillian.”
Her family doctor, Rick, had introduced her to Brant.
“I’m not worried you’ll bite me, Frankie.”
Besides that, this is an awesome beginning. You avoided the dreaded info-dump while still giving us enough information to initially follow and your teases of foreshadowing have me wanting to know so much more. One question, and maybe it will be answered in a future chapter, but I couldn’t tell from the first two: Did Francis have this “problem” before deciding to go into teaching? Cause that’s a hell of a career choice if she knew beforehand as opposed to, it happened, and I love my job (sorta?) so I’m powering through it. Just curious, since either says a lot about her character, which is wonderfully developed for only two chapters.
Overrall great job. I can’t wait for more!
3SweetUnknownWow, so far this is very good, and extremely well written besides a few grammar hiccups. Remember that you always put a comma before someone’s name when they’re being addressed. Ex:
“Yes, Jillian.”
Her family doctor, Rick, had introduced her to Brant.
“I’m not worried you’ll bite me, Frankie.”
Besides that, this is an awesome beginning. You avoided the dreaded info-dump while still giving us enough information to initially follow and your teases of foreshadowing have me wanting to know so much more. One question, and maybe it will be answered in a future chapter, but I couldn’t tell from the first two: Did Francis have this “problem” before deciding to go into teaching? Cause that’s a hell of a career choice if she knew beforehand as opposed to, it happened, and I love my job (sorta?) so I’m powering through it. Just curious, since either says a lot about her character, which is wonderfully developed for only two chapters.
Overrall great job. I can’t wait for more!
8/3/2011 c1 4Cirya
Such a great start to a story! Maybe on the short side, but I can deal because I have a feeling you wanted to end it on the phone call. Gotta love cliffies! I like the angle you are going with for the plot, the suppression drug and all. Keep it up and I'll be waiting for the next chapter!
4CiryaSuch a great start to a story! Maybe on the short side, but I can deal because I have a feeling you wanted to end it on the phone call. Gotta love cliffies! I like the angle you are going with for the plot, the suppression drug and all. Keep it up and I'll be waiting for the next chapter!
8/3/2011 c1 8Macy Pearson
Quote from an English grammar site:
"Use a dash [ — ] (or two hyphens [ - ] on old-fashioned typewriters) or dashes as a super-comma or set of super-commas to set off parenthetical elements, especially when those elements contain internal forms of punctuation:
'All four of them—Bob, Jeffrey, Jason, and Brett—did well in college.'
Do not use dashes to set apart material when commas would do the work for you."
That's my grammar side coming out; the dashes caught my attention.
Ex: "She loved the break in monotony – she hated the process that lead up to the play." could be, "She loved the break in monotony; she hated the process that lead up to the play." You could even through in a but and it would work.
Alright, glad that's over!
I find it interesting learning how the teacher sees it rather than the kid. Because most stories have the younger viewpoint, so it's a nice change. Plot's interesting, we're starting out with a conflict... also, your description was lovely. "The flowery stench of the girl's dollar store perfume stung her nostrils..." was probably my favorite, haha.
I also have to compliment you on the lack of be verbs! :D May not sound like much, but seriously. All your sentences have nice, strong verbs.
I'm very interested to see where this will go!
8Macy PearsonQuote from an English grammar site:
"Use a dash [ — ] (or two hyphens [ - ] on old-fashioned typewriters) or dashes as a super-comma or set of super-commas to set off parenthetical elements, especially when those elements contain internal forms of punctuation:
'All four of them—Bob, Jeffrey, Jason, and Brett—did well in college.'
Do not use dashes to set apart material when commas would do the work for you."
That's my grammar side coming out; the dashes caught my attention.
Ex: "She loved the break in monotony – she hated the process that lead up to the play." could be, "She loved the break in monotony; she hated the process that lead up to the play." You could even through in a but and it would work.
Alright, glad that's over!
I find it interesting learning how the teacher sees it rather than the kid. Because most stories have the younger viewpoint, so it's a nice change. Plot's interesting, we're starting out with a conflict... also, your description was lovely. "The flowery stench of the girl's dollar store perfume stung her nostrils..." was probably my favorite, haha.
I also have to compliment you on the lack of be verbs! :D May not sound like much, but seriously. All your sentences have nice, strong verbs.
I'm very interested to see where this will go!
8/3/2011 c1 2StrangeHaven
Nice start. You definitely got the whole "teachers hate school just as much as the students" thing down! :)
2StrangeHavenNice start. You definitely got the whole "teachers hate school just as much as the students" thing down! :)