for And so I drink8/13/2011 c1 
7Alison Levine
I absolutly love it! I don't know how but i can find a flow in it. i write rhyme poetry so i don't experience much of poetry that doesn't rhyme but i have to say that this is the best non-rhyme poetry I;ve ever read! you're awesome!
7Alison LevineI absolutly love it! I don't know how but i can find a flow in it. i write rhyme poetry so i don't experience much of poetry that doesn't rhyme but i have to say that this is the best non-rhyme poetry I;ve ever read! you're awesome!
8/11/2011 c1 166listen to what i've never said
THIS is the kind of work that really matters. Because its not some ditsy story about love and how it makes the whole world do a happy dance. THIS is real; this is spectacular.
I really love the line "There's a void in me and its tearing me from the inside out / I don't want to be me."
I've felt that before, and you're description is dead on.
In terms of structure, there is a sort of flow or rhythm that should be found in a peace to make it pleasing to the ear. Just sort of fooling around with syllables and where you cut lines off will give it a better flow.
Like, taking away "I drink" from the first two lines and adding "I know" to the second gives the beginning and nice feel to it:
"And so I drink
Because it burns so good going down
Because I know I'm not supposed to."
At least in my opinion :) You should find your own rhythms that you feel comfortable with. but otherwise really great job
166listen to what i've never saidTHIS is the kind of work that really matters. Because its not some ditsy story about love and how it makes the whole world do a happy dance. THIS is real; this is spectacular.
I really love the line "There's a void in me and its tearing me from the inside out / I don't want to be me."
I've felt that before, and you're description is dead on.
In terms of structure, there is a sort of flow or rhythm that should be found in a peace to make it pleasing to the ear. Just sort of fooling around with syllables and where you cut lines off will give it a better flow.
Like, taking away "I drink" from the first two lines and adding "I know" to the second gives the beginning and nice feel to it:
"And so I drink
Because it burns so good going down
Because I know I'm not supposed to."
At least in my opinion :) You should find your own rhythms that you feel comfortable with. but otherwise really great job
8/6/2011 c1 26PantherAteCentipede
You have talent. I'd like to see more. However you should try to work on the flow of words a bit.
26PantherAteCentipedeYou have talent. I'd like to see more. However you should try to work on the flow of words a bit.