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8/14/2011 c1 Lotus-Hua
Sorry for the late reply. Your writing is as wonderful as always, with such heartwrenching storylines and brilliant description. Every word flows and is melodic...it's truly a treat to read your works. Also, great job with the use of pronouns in your stories. I notice that not a lot of your characters have names, and the interchanging use of "he" and "she" and so forth have been very smooth. Good luck with this month's writing contest!
8/13/2011 c1 5Luridpretty
I love this, it was hauntingly gorgeous. I like your portrayal of the Muslim culture; it's the culture I was raised in, and you absolutely nailed it. I'm also a huge fan of the way you show how even the "crazy Muslims" are affected by terrorist attacks (which I'm assuming is what happened). The concept of a "milk sister" was a very interesting one to choose, and it shows that you know the culture quite well. I love your repeated "two sides of the same coin" metaphor, for it shows just what kind of bond they share in such a personal way. The way he loves her burns is beautiful, too. Honestly, I'm just in awe of this, and while this is the second or third time I've read it, it's even more awe-inspiring this time around. Good luck in the contest, though with your skill, you don't need luck. :)
8/11/2011 c1 21Sercus Kaynine
Damn. That was gorgeous, from opening paragraph to last. I grin like an idiot when I come across stuff as beautiful as this, I really do.

It'd be impossible for me to choose specific sentences to praise, as I liked them all. I love how you pieced together the lives of these two people and made a creative piece out of this theme and the world that they live in. It was easy to get lost in.

Good job and good luck in WCC!
8/11/2011 c1 Guest
I really love the way you describe things. Your descriptions always seem fresh but realistic. They're not something I've seen a million times before but they all make sense and paint a great picture of what's happening and how the narrator feels about it. I especially liked "Conceived on different sides of the earth, beneath different stars. Your father, a foreign dog like mine, some lustful devil who couldn't stay away from the maid's quarters. The seed of sin planted in your mother and in mine, at the very same time." because you're able to get across so many different ideas (the culture, the relationship, their family situation) with relatively few word and still keep it engaging. Your use of language is impressive.

The only thing that confused me sometimes was that there wasn't much information about the narrator. I know this is largely about the sister, of course, but it's also about the relationship between the two, and for much of the story I was confused whether the narrator was a sister or brother. It's not a huge deal, I guess, but there were parts (particularly scenes where the two were described as being in the same place so I had to try to imagine both of them) where I couldn't figure out who the narrator was. Maybe it's just my own stupidity, haha.

Other than that, I loved this. The details are all so interesting and it's such a sad story, it really drew me in. Loved it!
8/11/2011 c1 7WoodpeckerWho
I particularly liked the structure of this piece; each section is part of a different time-frame and is short, but expresses that particular period in depth. Through the piece, time progresses many years, but not without pointless parts. Each section makes a point to the prompt, and I enjoyed it because I haven't seen such a style used for, and was very original. I also liked how each part would start with either 'I', 'You', or 'We' because I felt that each one gives the reader a quick sense of the upcoming mood in each part.

My favourite line was probably ['Where is his punishment for those who carved the milk out of your skin, who stole my faith?'] because of the title theme relating to it and throughout the rest of the story.

The person used was another aspect with I also greatly liked; the narrator's voice speaks to the girl, portraying their thoughts well, whilst also telling the story.
8/11/2011 c1 8Adrenalin
Wow, this is dark. I was amazed that your characters find each other through such a terrible event, it makes it sort of hard to be happy for them. Actually, I'm not even sure the end is that romantic, since the girl seems like she only stay with him as she finds him convenient, and then when she loses her beauty, he's really the only one that wants her anymore.

They have a really hard life apparently. I like how you described it without insisting too much on it.

Your writing style is very agreeable to read, too. I like that you wrote this as a succession of snippets.

Good luck in the WCC!
8/11/2011 c1 6lalala445
This was really good! I liked it a lot! I didn't find any spelling errors, or something like that. This is very well written and I loved it!
8/7/2011 c1 7rgarner31
i really enjoyed this story. Its clever and interesting and effective. Every mention of hope being cruel was awesome. Its interesting to see that this is what you had in mind by the prompt, yet it inspired so many different stories. I really liked this and good luck in the contest!
8/6/2011 c1 16Dragon made me do it


I like the idea of telling the story of Indonesian people who suffered from the Bali bombing. The media here just never ended to talk about it as if it was an attack in Australia and you had to go to the less mainstream sources to find out about anybody who wasn't actually Australian.

Once again you have told the story of a group of people whose voices are not given much attention.

And then you have weaved a lot of other ideas in here - challenging religious beliefs in difficult situations, imperfection in love, responses to trauma etc


The way you rolled out the story was incredibly fluid. It almost felt like, even though the story was told chronologically, it was a story told in reverse. The reason why it seemed this way to me is that if you were to tell someone what the story was about, you would have to say it was about Indonesian victims of the Bali bombing. And yet, we don't find this out until the very end. It takes us by surprise even though there is nothing jolting about the pace of the story. It almost leaves you with this feeling of, 'wait a minute, what does happen there?' the same way that she might when in shock from an actual bomb blast. and I have to say the ending left me in shock. and then it was like tracing back the origins of these characters.


You have a clever way of weaving Indonesian mythology and traditional beliefs into your stories through metaphor, like the concept of balance and harmony in this story. Reminds me of being told that the Balinese black and white chequered cloth is supposed to represent good and evil being interwoven and inseparable.

The Sun embracing the moon also reminds me of some Balinese candlestick I've bought or something, I'm sure there's some meaning in that.

In your position you seem to have this unique perspective of being both inside and outside Indonesian culture which makes you able to see your stories from different angles.

Oh my this was very well done, I don't think you'll need luck but I'll give you some anyway :-)


'If'd you let me.' I presume this it is supposed to be 'If you'd let me'
8/6/2011 c1 18Stephanie M. Moore
Interesting take on the prompt (which of course was yours.)

I like the way you tell a story with it. I'm not always a fan of the episodic series of scenes, but in this case, I think you balance conciseness and description.

That being said, I really liked to watch the descent of the characters. It was really quite creepy (and sort of eerie) to see these glimpses into their lives. The whole concept of milk sister was sort of foreign and strange and it set an unusual tone for their relationship.

I thought the way you weaved religion throughout the piece gave a little bit of a bigger feel, too. It was a nice inclusion.

I enjoyed reading this piece. Good work and best of luck!

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