for Endings12/1/2011 c6 Royal Bakaness
I think I need to go back and read the other chapters again, cuz I was a little confused starting out, plus I didn't have long to read it.
Anyhoo, I think this portrays the manic side of a teenager pretty well. Some people in my life with bipolar did this stuff as teenagers.
I laughed at her rant about Harry Potter and Twilight. Although at first I was all, Who's Stephanie Meyers? Can't say those books fall into my genre of reading...
Dan's so sweet!
Also, was Quyhn mentioned earlier in the story? I couldn't figure out who she was...
Keep going!
I think I need to go back and read the other chapters again, cuz I was a little confused starting out, plus I didn't have long to read it.
Anyhoo, I think this portrays the manic side of a teenager pretty well. Some people in my life with bipolar did this stuff as teenagers.
I laughed at her rant about Harry Potter and Twilight. Although at first I was all, Who's Stephanie Meyers? Can't say those books fall into my genre of reading...
Dan's so sweet!
Also, was Quyhn mentioned earlier in the story? I couldn't figure out who she was...
Keep going!
11/28/2011 c6 Silver Sparke
Yes, Kat, unacceptable. ;)
Anyway, I now know why it took so long to update! You really went out of your way! Your writing style is completely different in this chapter which must have taken a lot of editing.
Anyway, that said, you did a great job capturing her... craziness I guess. Now you can really tell she's bipolar.
I question some of your use of italics, but hey, I'm tired so I'm not really looking for something to analyze in depth, haha.
Good job, keep writing! :)
~Silver Sparke
Yes, Kat, unacceptable. ;)
Anyway, I now know why it took so long to update! You really went out of your way! Your writing style is completely different in this chapter which must have taken a lot of editing.
Anyway, that said, you did a great job capturing her... craziness I guess. Now you can really tell she's bipolar.
I question some of your use of italics, but hey, I'm tired so I'm not really looking for something to analyze in depth, haha.
Good job, keep writing! :)
~Silver Sparke
9/7/2011 c5 Royal Bakaness
Awwww, I like Dan! He's a brat but I like him!
The outbursts Evelyn has are pretty accurate, I must say. A relative of mine has bipolar and her outbursts are quite similar, and anything can set her off. So good job with that.
As for the whole manic phase, I have seen people in such a state. They are incredibly hyper, almost to the point of being annoying, and it's often at this time that they can be a real danger to themselves and even others. They often feel indestructible and may try to do things that could hurt them. Of course, those are really extreme cases. The people I know are just wicked hyper.
And then that manic phase wears them out and they go back to being depressed.
I think it'd be neat to have Dan around one of the times she has a manic phase. His personality seems the type to handle something like that well. I think he may be the one who will help her learn how to deal with her disorder.
Anyhow, good luck with school and keep up the good work!
Awwww, I like Dan! He's a brat but I like him!
The outbursts Evelyn has are pretty accurate, I must say. A relative of mine has bipolar and her outbursts are quite similar, and anything can set her off. So good job with that.
As for the whole manic phase, I have seen people in such a state. They are incredibly hyper, almost to the point of being annoying, and it's often at this time that they can be a real danger to themselves and even others. They often feel indestructible and may try to do things that could hurt them. Of course, those are really extreme cases. The people I know are just wicked hyper.
And then that manic phase wears them out and they go back to being depressed.
I think it'd be neat to have Dan around one of the times she has a manic phase. His personality seems the type to handle something like that well. I think he may be the one who will help her learn how to deal with her disorder.
Anyhow, good luck with school and keep up the good work!
9/6/2011 c5 
1x.breathe
I like that you used the cliche of a girl whose life is falling apart, but turned it into something interesting and enjoyable to read. Your voice is very clear.
I like your descriptions, and I loved the like "I'm way too hot for that slut", with the friend texting furiously. It made me laugh out loud, which few stories can do.
I also liked the length of the chapter, not too long but not too short. Great job!
1x.breatheI like that you used the cliche of a girl whose life is falling apart, but turned it into something interesting and enjoyable to read. Your voice is very clear.
I like your descriptions, and I loved the like "I'm way too hot for that slut", with the friend texting furiously. It made me laugh out loud, which few stories can do.
I also liked the length of the chapter, not too long but not too short. Great job!
9/6/2011 c5 Silver Sparke
Good job with the chapter.
However, I feel like Katrina and Thomas only come in when you want to show Evie getting mad. I feel like you should've incorporated them more to show how close they were to have more of an effect on the readers, so we go, "Wow, they were really close, and now Evie's going off on her like that!" or something.
Also, you said "read" instead of "red" when Evie was crying on Dan. Small typo, no big deal.
Anyway good job!
Keep it up, and I hope you update ASAP!
~Silver Sparke
Good job with the chapter.
However, I feel like Katrina and Thomas only come in when you want to show Evie getting mad. I feel like you should've incorporated them more to show how close they were to have more of an effect on the readers, so we go, "Wow, they were really close, and now Evie's going off on her like that!" or something.
Also, you said "read" instead of "red" when Evie was crying on Dan. Small typo, no big deal.
Anyway good job!
Keep it up, and I hope you update ASAP!
~Silver Sparke
9/5/2011 c1 6Will Bois
DAMN. I've never seen a book on this site so sad and so brilliant. I'm following.
6Will BoisDAMN. I've never seen a book on this site so sad and so brilliant. I'm following.
9/5/2011 c4 7rgarner31
so i really liked this new chapter! the only thing is that for a good while in the beginning i was getting my barings, trying to remember character names and everything. maybe include a little recap in the chapter summary at the top? i try to do that every chapter to make sure my readers dont get too confused. ok so anyway, i reallly liked sll the interaction with evelyn and her friends, and then the scene with her step father and then finally the therapist. it was very insightful for the reader, and u did a good job with it!
ps. im writing this on a touch screen ipad keyboard, so pls ignore text talk and typos :P
7rgarner31so i really liked this new chapter! the only thing is that for a good while in the beginning i was getting my barings, trying to remember character names and everything. maybe include a little recap in the chapter summary at the top? i try to do that every chapter to make sure my readers dont get too confused. ok so anyway, i reallly liked sll the interaction with evelyn and her friends, and then the scene with her step father and then finally the therapist. it was very insightful for the reader, and u did a good job with it!
ps. im writing this on a touch screen ipad keyboard, so pls ignore text talk and typos :P
9/4/2011 c4 5Dr. Self Destruct
When I first saw Evelyn sitting in the closet getting ready to cut herself, I was very glad she fell out of the habit after the first incision. I know her situation sucks, but adding cutting to the mix really puts a very touchy layer on everything - but her refusal to keep doing it is a tasteful turn.
Reading this is a bit hard for me, because I know all too well how Evelyn feels. Being hollow isn't fun... makes me think of the song 'Hurt' by Nine Inch Nails. I don't know if it's your type of music, but it really puts this situation into a deep, agonizing perspective.
I felt some great satisfaction when she pulled the knife on her step father. If you ask me, she shoulda slit his throat... but I guess that would have caused more problems than he's worth.
I have a couple suggestions:
[When Evelyn flatly announced that her step-father had...]
Style: I thought the sentence beginning this paragraph was rather lengthy and could do with being broken down into some smaller sentences to make it easier to digest.
[The silver thimble was, as she had guessed, [was] untouched.]
Edit: Take out the bracketed 'was'.
5Dr. Self DestructWhen I first saw Evelyn sitting in the closet getting ready to cut herself, I was very glad she fell out of the habit after the first incision. I know her situation sucks, but adding cutting to the mix really puts a very touchy layer on everything - but her refusal to keep doing it is a tasteful turn.
Reading this is a bit hard for me, because I know all too well how Evelyn feels. Being hollow isn't fun... makes me think of the song 'Hurt' by Nine Inch Nails. I don't know if it's your type of music, but it really puts this situation into a deep, agonizing perspective.
I felt some great satisfaction when she pulled the knife on her step father. If you ask me, she shoulda slit his throat... but I guess that would have caused more problems than he's worth.
I have a couple suggestions:
[When Evelyn flatly announced that her step-father had...]
Style: I thought the sentence beginning this paragraph was rather lengthy and could do with being broken down into some smaller sentences to make it easier to digest.
[The silver thimble was, as she had guessed, [was] untouched.]
Edit: Take out the bracketed 'was'.
9/3/2011 c1 Rhydian
I really liked Evie using the onion as a way to get tears to flow and to feel something. Although, it is a good take on the numbness caused by grief, I believe twelve is a little young to be so emotionless about the loss of a loved one. I understand that she has had to grow up quicker than most kids her age, but still there would be a residual child inside her despite this.
There are hints at what happened to her father, but nothing that really says completely what occured to cause his death. I like that the mystery is left as just that ... a mystery for the reader to anticipate.
Your details of the room are superb, and I liked the mental image I got from reading them. I did have a hard time deciding if the conversation with her father was actually happening or if it was a memory, though. That could be made more clear.
Altogether, I really liked this and I will continue on to the next chapter soon.
I really liked Evie using the onion as a way to get tears to flow and to feel something. Although, it is a good take on the numbness caused by grief, I believe twelve is a little young to be so emotionless about the loss of a loved one. I understand that she has had to grow up quicker than most kids her age, but still there would be a residual child inside her despite this.
There are hints at what happened to her father, but nothing that really says completely what occured to cause his death. I like that the mystery is left as just that ... a mystery for the reader to anticipate.
Your details of the room are superb, and I liked the mental image I got from reading them. I did have a hard time deciding if the conversation with her father was actually happening or if it was a memory, though. That could be made more clear.
Altogether, I really liked this and I will continue on to the next chapter soon.
9/1/2011 c2 31Who Is This Girl Anyway
Poor girl.
I'm glad that you chosen to add some humour to this as it prevents it from getting so angsty that the reader stops caring.
You've done well with characterisation, and her friends all act normally for their age, as opposed to middle aged or very childish. They also give an image of teenage normality to contrast Evelynn.
Katie.
31Who Is This Girl AnywayPoor girl.
I'm glad that you chosen to add some humour to this as it prevents it from getting so angsty that the reader stops caring.
You've done well with characterisation, and her friends all act normally for their age, as opposed to middle aged or very childish. They also give an image of teenage normality to contrast Evelynn.
Katie.
9/1/2011 c1 6Ezekiel Finch
Hello from the RG!
I really liked the usage of onions in the first part. It reminded me of Chuck Palahniuk's style where something has this extra dark layer. The character uses some ordinary object to explore some deep underlying emotion and idea. Cutting an onion to force one's self to cry shows all this emotional apathy or inability to access these emotions. Which leads us to question, "why?"
I also liked the mental conversation that Evelyn had between with her father. It implied that she is a little out of her head and that she has more problems than grieving. I was a little confused at first if the conversation was a memory or it was a conversation imagined all by herself. Provide a little more clarity and that will really help us understand the scene but also understand her emotional and mental condition.
Ezekiel Finch
6Ezekiel FinchHello from the RG!
I really liked the usage of onions in the first part. It reminded me of Chuck Palahniuk's style where something has this extra dark layer. The character uses some ordinary object to explore some deep underlying emotion and idea. Cutting an onion to force one's self to cry shows all this emotional apathy or inability to access these emotions. Which leads us to question, "why?"
I also liked the mental conversation that Evelyn had between with her father. It implied that she is a little out of her head and that she has more problems than grieving. I was a little confused at first if the conversation was a memory or it was a conversation imagined all by herself. Provide a little more clarity and that will really help us understand the scene but also understand her emotional and mental condition.
Ezekiel Finch
9/1/2011 c1 3Jakuho Raikoben
I like Evie's character. Her actions make her very strong-willed and it only took one major thing to actually make her break down and cry. This first chapter really hooks the reader. Nice start.
3Jakuho RaikobenI like Evie's character. Her actions make her very strong-willed and it only took one major thing to actually make her break down and cry. This first chapter really hooks the reader. Nice start.
9/1/2011 c1 31Who Is This Girl Anyway
The onion scene was an interesting way to start the story, and the lack of detail about her father showed that she didn't want to think about it. She's perhaps a little grown-up for a twelve year old, but that may just be because she's had to grow up. You've chosen an interesting style here, for example mentioning strange details such as the room being a few degrees colder.
I think it might be interesting to focus on Evie's mother in a future chapter, to see if she catches on to what's happening or not.
Anyway, keep going with this. You're doing well.
Katie.
31Who Is This Girl AnywayThe onion scene was an interesting way to start the story, and the lack of detail about her father showed that she didn't want to think about it. She's perhaps a little grown-up for a twelve year old, but that may just be because she's had to grow up. You've chosen an interesting style here, for example mentioning strange details such as the room being a few degrees colder.
I think it might be interesting to focus on Evie's mother in a future chapter, to see if she catches on to what's happening or not.
Anyway, keep going with this. You're doing well.
Katie.