for Misericordia1/6/2012 c2 
99Dreamers-Requiem
I really like the style of this, and the voice of the narrator. I think it works brilliantly to really draw the reader into the story, and manages to subtly give a great insight into the narrator's mind. To be honest, until he mentioned that he was male, I really thought it was a girl. I don't know why. The image of a teenager standing on a bridge with fairy wings, ready to jump, is a really powerful, striking image, and, again, works well. As does the idea of the guy who saved him taking his place at the dinner table. Can't wait to see where it goes from here.
99Dreamers-RequiemI really like the style of this, and the voice of the narrator. I think it works brilliantly to really draw the reader into the story, and manages to subtly give a great insight into the narrator's mind. To be honest, until he mentioned that he was male, I really thought it was a girl. I don't know why. The image of a teenager standing on a bridge with fairy wings, ready to jump, is a really powerful, striking image, and, again, works well. As does the idea of the guy who saved him taking his place at the dinner table. Can't wait to see where it goes from here.
1/4/2012 c1 Dreamers-Requiem
Great first line - it acts as a brilliant hook to draw the reader in, as well as teaching them (or me, anyway) something new. I like the imagery of the sharks, it works really well, and the slow revelation of what was done to the brother. Although I do feel the prologue itself is a little short; it could be inclided at the start of the first chapter? But that is a decision that is, obviously, completely up to you. Anyway, yeah, great opening, and I will be reading the next chapter soon as I can.
Great first line - it acts as a brilliant hook to draw the reader in, as well as teaching them (or me, anyway) something new. I like the imagery of the sharks, it works really well, and the slow revelation of what was done to the brother. Although I do feel the prologue itself is a little short; it could be inclided at the start of the first chapter? But that is a decision that is, obviously, completely up to you. Anyway, yeah, great opening, and I will be reading the next chapter soon as I can.
11/2/2011 c2 3Riddick Writer
Interesting. I'm eager to read on and find out where this story is going. No mistakes so far!
3Riddick WriterInteresting. I'm eager to read on and find out where this story is going. No mistakes so far!
9/19/2011 c2 d-lete-d-d-d
Again, well worded and well paced. It makes you want to keep reading. Good narrative. It's a dark story, but it's very well written. I am extremely impressed. This story deserves more reviews then it currently has.
Again, well worded and well paced. It makes you want to keep reading. Good narrative. It's a dark story, but it's very well written. I am extremely impressed. This story deserves more reviews then it currently has.
9/19/2011 c1 d-lete-d-d-d
Extremely intriguing! A well worded beginning with a bit of humor and a great hook. Really brilliant. The only comment I have is that you could have easily put this in the first chapter as an introduction rather than a prologue. It's up to you of course, but I really enjoyed this.
Extremely intriguing! A well worded beginning with a bit of humor and a great hook. Really brilliant. The only comment I have is that you could have easily put this in the first chapter as an introduction rather than a prologue. It's up to you of course, but I really enjoyed this.
8/14/2011 c2 15disrhythmic
I really like the narrator's voice - half resigned and half bitter. It's really well done. :) I also like the opening line here as well, for the same reasons. The detail of trying to take the sunshine with him was a nice touch. Keep it up! ^^
15disrhythmicI really like the narrator's voice - half resigned and half bitter. It's really well done. :) I also like the opening line here as well, for the same reasons. The detail of trying to take the sunshine with him was a nice touch. Keep it up! ^^
8/14/2011 c1 disrhythmic
I love the stark opening. It doesn't play around, it's gritty right off the bat. :) A minor critique, if you'd like. "Your chances of dying just doubled." I like the sarcasm (the best kind of humor, in my most humble opinion) but it feels a little out of place in the middle of all the dark imagery. Just a thought. :)
I love the stark opening. It doesn't play around, it's gritty right off the bat. :) A minor critique, if you'd like. "Your chances of dying just doubled." I like the sarcasm (the best kind of humor, in my most humble opinion) but it feels a little out of place in the middle of all the dark imagery. Just a thought. :)
8/12/2011 c2 1megger
"Death, like everything else in life, is hard to come by [but] only if you want it."- The original seems a bit awkward to read.
I liked the main's cynical outlook coupled with the whole "sunshine on my back" thing. It made for a very interesting contrast that tips me off to thinking that maybe there is hope for him. At least in terms of depression and suicidal.
I'm kind of stuck wondering when the supposedly dead brother comes into play. Since Leo had taken the main's place in his home, does that make him the brother, at least to the main?
Great chapter though.
-Roadhouse
1megger"Death, like everything else in life, is hard to come by [but] only if you want it."- The original seems a bit awkward to read.
I liked the main's cynical outlook coupled with the whole "sunshine on my back" thing. It made for a very interesting contrast that tips me off to thinking that maybe there is hope for him. At least in terms of depression and suicidal.
I'm kind of stuck wondering when the supposedly dead brother comes into play. Since Leo had taken the main's place in his home, does that make him the brother, at least to the main?
Great chapter though.
-Roadhouse
8/12/2011 c1 megger
I loved the first line. It really captured my interest.
"...deploy two killing techniques at once. Puncture wounds and drowning."- I would suggest changing the period to a colon because you're listing things and without it, the overall thought seems choppy.
This is definitely an interesting concept. The prologue made me think that the main character emotionally abuses their brother. And whoever the main is, they come off very unsympathetic due to their involvement of killing a sibling. Because of the subject matter and interesting choice of POV, this could make for a really good novel. Great job!
-Roadhouse
I loved the first line. It really captured my interest.
"...deploy two killing techniques at once. Puncture wounds and drowning."- I would suggest changing the period to a colon because you're listing things and without it, the overall thought seems choppy.
This is definitely an interesting concept. The prologue made me think that the main character emotionally abuses their brother. And whoever the main is, they come off very unsympathetic due to their involvement of killing a sibling. Because of the subject matter and interesting choice of POV, this could make for a really good novel. Great job!
-Roadhouse
8/11/2011 c2 Superslow Jellyfish
No one ever gets what they want.
"pants tucked into my socks and a pair of yellow fairy wings strapped to my back." Um, WTF?
So is he on meth? I'm just saying because yellow is an awful color (biased on my part since yellow is my least favorite color, especially highlighter yellow, ugh, that only belongs on Word and on paper to highlight only, not on your clothes, oh no a rant, sorry) and it's quite attention grabbing. The narrator's snarkiness is reassuring to read, since he sounds angry at the world and tells "his rescue" the actual way it went and how it totally doesn't sound heroic, it sounds very unglamorous.
Kind of sucks for him though, since this guy pretty much seems to be more enjoyed than the narrator by his family. Though this is first person POV and he's a bit damaged, so I'm just going to see it on several different points.
-BM-
No one ever gets what they want.
"pants tucked into my socks and a pair of yellow fairy wings strapped to my back." Um, WTF?
So is he on meth? I'm just saying because yellow is an awful color (biased on my part since yellow is my least favorite color, especially highlighter yellow, ugh, that only belongs on Word and on paper to highlight only, not on your clothes, oh no a rant, sorry) and it's quite attention grabbing. The narrator's snarkiness is reassuring to read, since he sounds angry at the world and tells "his rescue" the actual way it went and how it totally doesn't sound heroic, it sounds very unglamorous.
Kind of sucks for him though, since this guy pretty much seems to be more enjoyed than the narrator by his family. Though this is first person POV and he's a bit damaged, so I'm just going to see it on several different points.
-BM-
8/11/2011 c1 Superslow Jellyfish
Hello from the Roadhouse (and welcome to FP world)!
Adelphophagy is something I've never heard of. Well, you learn something new everyday. Something about that narration is chilling, foreboding, devious...I'm pretty much enjoying it as he makes those comparisons towards his killing of his brother to a shark killing its' sibling, which is messed up, but for story purposes, I don't mind. Why am I reveling in this?
I want to know what the hell caused this guy to kill his own brother. I wonder if they always hated each other or if it was recent. I'm going to shut up now and get going.
-BM-
Hello from the Roadhouse (and welcome to FP world)!
Adelphophagy is something I've never heard of. Well, you learn something new everyday. Something about that narration is chilling, foreboding, devious...I'm pretty much enjoying it as he makes those comparisons towards his killing of his brother to a shark killing its' sibling, which is messed up, but for story purposes, I don't mind. Why am I reveling in this?
I want to know what the hell caused this guy to kill his own brother. I wonder if they always hated each other or if it was recent. I'm going to shut up now and get going.
-BM-
8/11/2011 c2 3ShortcakeMattie
The first few sentences also caught my attention as they did in the first chapter. Nicely done.
We get more details with the setting, or as where our main character is at the moment. Although I wonder what his room looks like.
I like the details you do throw in though. The part about the fairy wings was interesting. It adds this almost innocent aspect to such a dark character who killed his brother.
I want to feel sorry for the main character because he was sent to a hospital for possibly committing suicide and having a man take over his old life (which SUCKS!). But I can't get over the fact that he killed his brother. As mentioned above. I'm sorry if I keep repeating myself.
I wonder who Leo is though. Is he the main character's brother? Uncle? Friend? Father? Cousin?
I wish you luck writing this. Your story sounds original and I can't wait to read more.
-Mattie
3ShortcakeMattieThe first few sentences also caught my attention as they did in the first chapter. Nicely done.
We get more details with the setting, or as where our main character is at the moment. Although I wonder what his room looks like.
I like the details you do throw in though. The part about the fairy wings was interesting. It adds this almost innocent aspect to such a dark character who killed his brother.
I want to feel sorry for the main character because he was sent to a hospital for possibly committing suicide and having a man take over his old life (which SUCKS!). But I can't get over the fact that he killed his brother. As mentioned above. I'm sorry if I keep repeating myself.
I wonder who Leo is though. Is he the main character's brother? Uncle? Friend? Father? Cousin?
I wish you luck writing this. Your story sounds original and I can't wait to read more.
-Mattie
8/11/2011 c1 ShortcakeMattie
Wow. This chapter gave me chills and also raised several questions. The opening sentence was startling and gripping at the same time. Nicely done.
Although one thing struck me. You write "This brother flew from his life instantaneously. The actual leaving of this world was quick and painless." And then in the next part you say "But he died the slowest, most painful death imaginable." Did he die slowly? Or did he die quickly?
I think a few more details would have been nice, although I'm not sure what you could add on to. I want to know more about these brothers, which I'm sure I'll find out about in upcoming chapters.
Your main character's voice is strong and vivid, which is good. But I wonder what caused him to kill his brother.
I didn't find any spelling errors, which was nice to see! Your sentences flowed together nicely.
I look forward to reading more!
-Mattie
Wow. This chapter gave me chills and also raised several questions. The opening sentence was startling and gripping at the same time. Nicely done.
Although one thing struck me. You write "This brother flew from his life instantaneously. The actual leaving of this world was quick and painless." And then in the next part you say "But he died the slowest, most painful death imaginable." Did he die slowly? Or did he die quickly?
I think a few more details would have been nice, although I'm not sure what you could add on to. I want to know more about these brothers, which I'm sure I'll find out about in upcoming chapters.
Your main character's voice is strong and vivid, which is good. But I wonder what caused him to kill his brother.
I didn't find any spelling errors, which was nice to see! Your sentences flowed together nicely.
I look forward to reading more!
-Mattie
8/11/2011 c2 2Christina Wynnwood
Another nice chapter! Good work! I like the first two lines, especially. Oh so very true.
2Christina WynnwoodAnother nice chapter! Good work! I like the first two lines, especially. Oh so very true.
8/11/2011 c1 Christina Wynnwood
Nice start! It really leaves the reader wondering what actually happened. Surely, the narrator didn't literally devour his brother, but with the talk about adelphophagy, he might have.
Nice start! It really leaves the reader wondering what actually happened. Surely, the narrator didn't literally devour his brother, but with the talk about adelphophagy, he might have.