for Not By Blood9/9/2012 c4 
4whatthegreencarrot
[He raised a single eyebrow at me – which is so not fair because I've always wanted to be able to do that but whenever I try both my eyebrows lift up and then I just look retarded]
Different tenses. Should be "He raised a single eyebrow at me – which was so not fair because I've always wanted to be able to do that, but whenever I tried, both my eyebrows lifted up, and then I just looked retarded" or something of the sort. Paragraph nine, near the beginning.
Whee, Finding Nemo! I love that movie, it's so... Finding Nemo-y. Didn't make sense, but I take what I can get :3 heh. Me being me.
Anyway, good chapter. I've read it, maybe, five times, but I'm not sick of it yet, so...onward with my reviewing journey :P I figured that you wouldn't mind the reviews, so yeah.
4whatthegreencarrot[He raised a single eyebrow at me – which is so not fair because I've always wanted to be able to do that but whenever I try both my eyebrows lift up and then I just look retarded]
Different tenses. Should be "He raised a single eyebrow at me – which was so not fair because I've always wanted to be able to do that, but whenever I tried, both my eyebrows lifted up, and then I just looked retarded" or something of the sort. Paragraph nine, near the beginning.
Whee, Finding Nemo! I love that movie, it's so... Finding Nemo-y. Didn't make sense, but I take what I can get :3 heh. Me being me.
Anyway, good chapter. I've read it, maybe, five times, but I'm not sick of it yet, so...onward with my reviewing journey :P I figured that you wouldn't mind the reviews, so yeah.
9/9/2012 c3 whatthegreencarrot
[Wow, I'm awake for five seconds and I'm already hungry, as my mother always says: I have a man's appetite.] I think that was in a different tense from the rest of the chapter, too. It probably should've been
"Wow, I'd been awake for five seconds and I was already hungry. As my mother liked to say, I had a man's appetite." That was around the end of the second paragraph.
[Well, that use to be the case, but then I decided that I liked getting up earlier because then I could be by myself for a little while.] should be "used to be" not "use to be." That one was around the middle/end of the sixth paragraph :3...I hope I'm not coming off as a heartless critic to you, it's not a fun feeling when you feel like your work's being criticized. It's happened to me, too.
["Rude." I stated disapprovingly, adding in a few tutts here and there for added effect.] You put in a period instead of a comma after "rude," but it should've been a comma. Not sure about this one, but I think it's "tuts," not "tutts." Fourteenth paragraph.
[Something in me snapped as he turned back towards the fridge and pulled the door open powerfully.] what did you mean by the "powerfully" part? I mean, I guess I know what you mean, but it sounds a bit awkward...heh. That was in paragraph...fifteen-ish. Somewhere near that.
["As sunny as it gets." He muttered absentmindedly. I crossed my arms over my chest, standing my ground. I wasn't going to move because a guy – who, may I add, was only a year older than me – said I should!] again, comma after "gets," not a period. The "he" before the word "muttered" shouldn't be capitalized.
I've actually seen a lot of FP people switch the comma with a period, maybe it's a UK thing? Sorry if it is, I'm fully American, and I have no idea how people in England punctuate. But here in the US, it'd be like
["As sunny as it gets," he muttered.] or something of the sort. Anyway, toodles...time to read some more of this wonderful story :D /adds heart
[Wow, I'm awake for five seconds and I'm already hungry, as my mother always says: I have a man's appetite.] I think that was in a different tense from the rest of the chapter, too. It probably should've been
"Wow, I'd been awake for five seconds and I was already hungry. As my mother liked to say, I had a man's appetite." That was around the end of the second paragraph.
[Well, that use to be the case, but then I decided that I liked getting up earlier because then I could be by myself for a little while.] should be "used to be" not "use to be." That one was around the middle/end of the sixth paragraph :3...I hope I'm not coming off as a heartless critic to you, it's not a fun feeling when you feel like your work's being criticized. It's happened to me, too.
["Rude." I stated disapprovingly, adding in a few tutts here and there for added effect.] You put in a period instead of a comma after "rude," but it should've been a comma. Not sure about this one, but I think it's "tuts," not "tutts." Fourteenth paragraph.
[Something in me snapped as he turned back towards the fridge and pulled the door open powerfully.] what did you mean by the "powerfully" part? I mean, I guess I know what you mean, but it sounds a bit awkward...heh. That was in paragraph...fifteen-ish. Somewhere near that.
["As sunny as it gets." He muttered absentmindedly. I crossed my arms over my chest, standing my ground. I wasn't going to move because a guy – who, may I add, was only a year older than me – said I should!] again, comma after "gets," not a period. The "he" before the word "muttered" shouldn't be capitalized.
I've actually seen a lot of FP people switch the comma with a period, maybe it's a UK thing? Sorry if it is, I'm fully American, and I have no idea how people in England punctuate. But here in the US, it'd be like
["As sunny as it gets," he muttered.] or something of the sort. Anyway, toodles...time to read some more of this wonderful story :D /adds heart
9/9/2012 c2 whatthegreencarrot
FP wouldn't let me review the first chapter twice, but I found something that I wanted to note in the first one, so here it is...
[Who needs men? They just stink up the house and forget to put the toilet seat down, and I guess it was just my luck that I would soon be moving into a house where two of them lived.
Kill me now.] well, you wrote the rest of the chapter in a different tense, so I suppose that it should be more of
"Who needed men? They just stank up the house and forgot to put the toilet seat down, and I supposed it was just my luck that I would soon be moving into a house where two of them lived.
Would someone—anybody, please—just kill me now."
...or something of the sort. You don't have to do it, it's just a random thought. Anyway, love the story, update soon. I'm dying for an update, YEE
FP wouldn't let me review the first chapter twice, but I found something that I wanted to note in the first one, so here it is...
[Who needs men? They just stink up the house and forget to put the toilet seat down, and I guess it was just my luck that I would soon be moving into a house where two of them lived.
Kill me now.] well, you wrote the rest of the chapter in a different tense, so I suppose that it should be more of
"Who needed men? They just stank up the house and forgot to put the toilet seat down, and I supposed it was just my luck that I would soon be moving into a house where two of them lived.
Would someone—anybody, please—just kill me now."
...or something of the sort. You don't have to do it, it's just a random thought. Anyway, love the story, update soon. I'm dying for an update, YEE
9/4/2012 c15 Laura Z
Haha! I really love your story & can't wait for the actual 'not my blood'-scene! :D
Haha! I really love your story & can't wait for the actual 'not my blood'-scene! :D
9/2/2012 c15 1Let The Wings Soar
RAHHHHHH make them KISS already gosh DAMMIT!
okay, very sorry. I had to get that out of my system. But seriously, this is so cute and i laugh every time i read a chapter.
1Let The Wings SoarRAHHHHHH make them KISS already gosh DAMMIT!
okay, very sorry. I had to get that out of my system. But seriously, this is so cute and i laugh every time i read a chapter.
8/22/2012 c15 6imperfectlyokay
"...more flattered by someone calling me devious and a mastermind in the art of payback..."
that line. I LOVED IT. It's just... So... ASTRID!
You are SO devious. Lucas and Astrid, alone in an empty house for a week? I can almost SMELL the UST around the corner :')
Great job as always! Loved the proctologist line too. I bet you actually did pull that off a tshirt. By the way - got your GCSE results yet? :)
6imperfectlyokay"...more flattered by someone calling me devious and a mastermind in the art of payback..."
that line. I LOVED IT. It's just... So... ASTRID!
You are SO devious. Lucas and Astrid, alone in an empty house for a week? I can almost SMELL the UST around the corner :')
Great job as always! Loved the proctologist line too. I bet you actually did pull that off a tshirt. By the way - got your GCSE results yet? :)
8/20/2012 c15 mylittleprincess
can't wait for next chapter.
can't wait for next chapter.
8/20/2012 c15 1Up With the Birds
I seriously squealed when I saw that you'd updated. You actually LIKE Americaland? I've been in Europe for the past year, and I can honestly say that I like England WAAAYYY more than Americaland. Maybe it's the accents. :) I loved the chapter, as always, and please update soon for the sake of my sanity.
1Up With the BirdsI seriously squealed when I saw that you'd updated. You actually LIKE Americaland? I've been in Europe for the past year, and I can honestly say that I like England WAAAYYY more than Americaland. Maybe it's the accents. :) I loved the chapter, as always, and please update soon for the sake of my sanity.
8/19/2012 c15 DELETED-LE-ACCCOUNT
Oh my god! What a great chapter. You better update soon, I'm craving more Astrid and Lucas! They are just too cute! Astrid would hate me saying that!
Oh my god! What a great chapter. You better update soon, I'm craving more Astrid and Lucas! They are just too cute! Astrid would hate me saying that!
8/19/2012 c15 1RiverRadagain
Ok only one word for you... LOVE! lol sorry couldnt resist, i loved this chapter and i love your story so far its really something people can relate to and laugh with. Keep up the good work i'll be waiting for the next update (exceedingly impatiently) so Please hurry. Once again love the story!
1RiverRadagainOk only one word for you... LOVE! lol sorry couldnt resist, i loved this chapter and i love your story so far its really something people can relate to and laugh with. Keep up the good work i'll be waiting for the next update (exceedingly impatiently) so Please hurry. Once again love the story!