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6/10/2012 c2 Marla's Found
***I like the way you said this: "...a real, intense passion that twists my guts all around..."

***Nice little written flirt: "...My eyes meet hers for a moment, and she smiles. I nearly choke on my drink..."

***Great description of a best friend:..."...He's ink-stained and pierced in more places than you can count on both hands, a wiry guy whose punches hit a lot harder than you'd expect..." Nicely worded.

Don't want to spoil Isaiah's secret but that was hidden nicely! Didn't suspect a thing.

***Devon is showing the sad stripes of his waning loyalty as a best friend: "..."Sorry about your nose, man," he says. I shrug, as if it's no big deal. "It's cool," he says. "I bet the chicks will dig it. I'll come up with a good story to back you up, man, don't worry." *** Isaiah needs to find another best friend!

***I just noticed as I read about the balcony that our "she" does not have a name. Very clever.

***Okay - totally surprised at the ending! What I thought was a hidden secret was blown up and you did that very well!

This was a great story - thanks for the entertainment.
12/1/2011 c1 6xXxfantasyfreakxXx
Beginning was very good and is a good hook for most girls although it seems a little corny but it works.

You had a good ending as well and it fit good with your story. It also did its job in making the reader want to continue reading.

Characters were very good I like the fact that Isaiah isn't your normal boy in the fact that he doesn't talk. You have very solid characters

Your relationship or really how Isaiah feels towards "the girl"? is a little sketchy as in it's unrealistic. (or it is to me) although any girl who reads this would want to believe it could be true so it works. and the relationship between the girl and Devon is good also I just think you need to make it where Devon has a little bit of a heart but it's your story not mine just a suggestion. (either that or give a background story on why he doesn't (you should also give more of a background story on why Isaiah doesn't talk))

The girl needs a name as well

Anyways other than that im ready for you to post some more chapter so I can review some more :)
11/27/2011 c2 4lookingwest
Dude, alright. So. This is amazing and I love it so much. And I don't know if this chapter was awesome because I was guiltily listening to Top 40 hits and like eating Reese's and being like, "yeah, you tell em' Isaiah!" or what, but the combination worked wonders because this chapter was AWESOME.

So, moving right into it-it's hard for me to even pick a favorite part of this chapter. I love the first, second, and the third, XD. I love the reactions of Isaiah every single part too. *Every* time, he's so perfect. And honestly, was very skeptical of how far Isiah would go with the not-speaking, especially because when I see that sort of thing done in YA it can get so cliche and gimmicky, but you do it SO WELL. Best I've ever seen, hands down.

I did find myself slightly wondering why Isaiah is such an asshole compared to Devon and why they're both so mean, just because Isaiah comes across as our nice protagonist and after what he did in the first part by not really reacting or taking advantage of the situation, it's hard for me to see him as this notorious ass. Then again, I think what does it is the fact he doesn't talk-that would get really annoying really fast and also limit the amount of "sticking-up-for-me" kind of stuff that doesn't happen with him because he can't.

Another reason I love this chapter-I love the relationship between Devon and Isaiah. I actually find it really realistic...my ex had a guy that would hang around him all the time who was just a total asshole, yet for some reason they remained friends, dunno-it just seems like something I've seen before and I love how you capture that dynamic.

I really like that you never name this girl. It kind of steals away her identity and leaves her less of a person and more of a "thing" though, even in Isaiah's mind, so because her name is never used in his perspective I do kind of find myself questioning his own love and if it's really pure or just an obsession over this "gril/thing" that he can't have. You leave the reader with a shit ton of stuff to dissect in this story, which I really love too-especially about how Isaiah functions as Devon's shadow and if that kind of becomes a second identity to Devon too...

Actually. Dude. This could totally turn out like Devon and Isaiah are actually the same person Fight-Club style too, XD. Omg. But no, no I don't think that. But at the same time. It could. Ahh! But she says they're "both" assholes she she acknowledges him so obviously yeah, okay that was dumb of me but still. XD

Anyway! Yes yes yes, I love this story yes. Give me moreee. So glad the girl didn't die either, because that leaves more conflict for later chapters, muahaha. And I think that whole scene when she falls of the balcony is really great too. It's just such an awesome story because you never are positive who is thinking what.

Also liked to see Isaiah finally speak. Love his first line of dialogue, haha. Everyone is working otu great! Can't wait to see this continued!
11/16/2011 c2 cerebral1
Returning review from the RH.

I don't know if I like Devon,or if he's a male 'Sybil' and Isaiah is his other, silent personality, 'cause those two are weird buds.

I liked the description of the girl in chapter 1; I could see her clearly in my head; more clearly than the guys, actually.

I find Devon abusive in all his relationships-friends and love. It's a wonder anyone puts up with him. But at the end? Didn't see that coming. He actually feels love for her? Maybe when she falls, and Devon admits his feelings, that's when Isaiah and he meld into one personality (I'm still running with the "Sybil" scenario).

Two personalities or one, good, twisty read. I'll read more of yours as time allows. If you want to repay review, any of my not completed works would be great. Thanks!
10/16/2011 c1 lookingwest
Opening- Nice opening! For real, I loved the voice in this, it really carries through. I think Isaiah's observance really pulled me right into the story because it packed a punch with making that "love at first sight" concept unique. You gave it new language, which I think it needed to make it even somewhat realistic to me, since it's been done so many times before. I think you brought life into "love at first sight" again, at least on a visual level. Well done!

Character- I find it really cool that Isaiah, *especially* in the opening, has a HUGE voice to him, but doesn't speak. His narrative voice is so loud, and so fun, that it took me off guard that he was actually mute, ha! I think that's super ironic and if you mean for that to be that way, you did wonders with it. I really liked the contrast. I think it can be hard to realistically bring in a character who doesn't speak, but you do a good job with it. I was a bit skeptical at first, but as the story progressed to the end of this half, you did a good job explaining it and making it plausible for him. I just really loved his character voice, excellent job.

Setting- I think it was good to use a private setting as opposed to the public one at the beginning, even pertaining to the passage of time. There was a sense of intimacy with it. I got a good sense of it throughout, but then, Devon is so enthralled with this girl that she almost becomes a setting herself, ha! I really like that though, we do kind of lose a bit of it beyond "we were sitting on a couch" there in that second line-what color, what did it feel like, etc., but I think it's because he's realistically so enamored with her, that I didn't find myself caring.

Enjoyment- Yup, I enjoyed reading this, which doesn't surprise me because I always enjoy your narratives! I think you bring a new voice to the table. I also liked the relationship between Devon and Isaiah, by the way, I really think it says a lot about him that he continues to hang out with Devon, it's mysterious, in a good way. I really like character relationships like that, and Isaiah doesn't give away too much about it. I enjoyed this because I found it creative, and I thought all of the elements worked well together, especially how you bring each character to life.
9/29/2011 c2 5Dr. Self Destruct
I'm starting to wonder if this might be somewhat of a true story, or something reflecting something that's happened to you or someone you know in the past. I have no idea why, just a random thought that flew through my mind. Curiosity, I guess, as to where this story came from. It's a very interesting, and highly addicting, one-shot, and I think it reflects a lot of what younger people deal with when it comes to love and friendships.

I really hate Devon too. But, at the same time, I just can't get enough of him. He's so selfish, mean, callous, and just an all-out prick, yet the way he acts is so deliciously evil and hilarious sometimes. I don't know why I'm so drawn to characters like that, but I also love Isaiah's character as well. They're such huge contrasts (I know I probably mentioned that before, but I want to say it again xD), and although Isaiah might hate Devon, you can tell he also loves him like a brother. Such an interesting relationship between the two of them... especially how he can crumple in Devon's arms and pat him on the back right after Devon punches him in the nose. And from the sounds of it, this isn't the first time he's done that. I know this is a stupid comparison, but it makes me think of the relationship between House and Wilson in House. xD

And wow, you know what? I didn't even notice until now that you never told us her name throughout the entire story. Her character was enough to leave an impact - I really like that choice in not giving her a name. And I had a feeling she was going to fall off that balcony when she was talking to them... glad she didn't die, though. Makes things more realistic, and leaves it open for future development.

Haha, Isaiah speaking there near the end was priceless. He must really feel very strongly to break his vow and curse out Devon - but then Devon just laughs. Why am I not surprised? And then they just go back to the way things were... ah, such a sad ending. Or myself it's bittersweet, considering there's always the possibility that she might leave Devon and end up with him. Open ending stories like this are so wonderful, but they always leave a pit in my heart - if that makes any sense, haha.

Overall, I really, really liked this. It had a great beginning, a compelling character driven plot, and a great ending. Everything really came around full circle, yet there's also an opportunity for possible future development. Thanks for the great read. :D

I noticed just two typos:

[I lie there at night all I can thing about are the words]

Edit: think instead of thing.

[Next thing I know, Devon shows up my house and lets]

Edit: Missing 'at' before 'my'.
9/29/2011 c2 OnHiatus9.18.012
Greetings from the Roadhouse!

I don’t know if I hate it or love it. The characters are intense. I think that many great pieces of literature are stories that people love to hate, and this has the makings of a great piece of literature – if it’s not already there. I love the way Isaiah never talks until the end. I don’t know if I like how you don’t elaborate on the girl from before or if it makes me wanna strangle you in frustration. I don’t think this should be a one shot. I think this could be a great book if you were so inclined. I didn’t notice if the girl had a name or not, but she should if she doesn’t. I’m a huge fan of happy endings, but this ending seems fitting since even though Isaiah isn’t an asshole, he convinces his friend he is. All in all, amazing work.

If you return reviews, I’m looking for reviews for “Daughter of the Wild” and “Daughter of the Wind”, past the first chapter if possible. Thanks.

9/28/2011 c1 Dr. Self Destruct
There's something about your style that really pulls me into a story and has me reading every single word - which doesn't happen often. I think it's the poetic-like descriptions you use, or maybe because you weave so many little important things into the mannerisms of your characters that I really want to pay attention to everything. I don't know if that makes sense or not, haha.

I like this relationship between Isaiah and Devon, how one is very quiet and controlled and the other is arrogant and obnoxious. I think Isaiah perfectly describes Devon when he says he's a 'fucking maniac', because from what he tells us about the things Devon has done in the past... well, he definitely seems like a fucking maniac. The tension between them is very interesting, and I can't help wonder why Isaiah keeps going back to Devon or relying on Devon as his best friend - but I guess sometimes there really aren't good enough answers for a question like that. Perhaps Devon is the only one that keeps Isaiah company, considering the latter doesn't speak and hasn't spoken in years. Or maybe it's just a habit he doesn't know how to break - a norm that would seem wrong to stop.

I think Isaiah's unwillingness to talk was woven into the story very seamlessly. I didn't even know he was a voluntary mute until he mentions it in the second section. And considering it has to do with the girl he used to love, I'm guessing it was a great emotional blow that makes him act the way he does now. But the things he writes ('nobody listens' and 'nothing changes') are really sad. I have a feeling there's merit behind those words, something terrible that happened to him to give him such a bleak outlook on life.

I also notice how you build Isaiah's character through Devon's character. The way Isaiah reacts to what Devon does really reflects his personality. It's like Devon is the catalyst of the story, and we learn about Isaiah because of the overwhelming difference between them rather than Isaiah just coming out and doing/saying things on his own. It makes them both very powerful characters, and their personalities bounce off each other very well.

I also thought your opening line was great. Hell, the entire first few paragraphs. I'm sure everyone can relate to that feeling of obsessive attraction through appearance alone.

I'll definitely read the second half of this tomorrow when I get home from work. I wanted to read it tonight, but I gotta be up in six hours. xD

Anyways, great job! I really like this - and although it might seem weird of me to say it, I think Devon is pretty hilarious.
9/28/2011 c1 2AzureBell
I like how you start with the action surrounding the party, but still tell a little about the back story of the two boys. It flows well and get the reader into the action. I also think that the narrator's voice is distinct and it comes off as very natural.

I did notice, however, that the main female character is not given a name. It still flows well even if you refer to her as "she", but I was wondering if you did that on purpose or not.
9/27/2011 c1 12Deedee Elle
Hi from the Roadhouse.

Great opening line.

I really liked this, the dialogue sounded realistic and Isiah's thoughts while Devon was droning on worked well as a means of showing his preoccupation.

I thought the repeated use of 'the thing is' with the things Devon did becoming progressively more eye-raising was a good touch and helped to capture their history in a few sentences.

I really wasn't expecting the revelation about Isiah's mutism so that was a great twist and suddenly made sense of his dwelling on the words in the first section and his lack of response to Devon's story and claiming the girl.

The sense of sadness as it goes on is wonderful and the ending was so sweet, I'll be back to read the rest later.
9/15/2011 c2 99Dreamers-Requiem
This is such a good story. The characters are really well written, and I love the way you portray the relationship; like it's too difficult for them to quit, even though being together is, essentially, destroying them. I felt so sorry for Isaiah at the end, but I like how you didn't draw on that; i really like the fact that he doesn't break down or get pissed off at Devon or wallow in self-misery, he just...carries on, like he's just so used to it. Again, awesome stuff.
9/6/2011 c1 Dreamers-Requiem
I really like this. The three characters are strong, solid and each unique. Isaiah, especially. I love the way him and Devon contrast. Near the start, I was wondering why Isaiah didn't just put a 'claim' on the girl, or warn Devon to stay away, and I like the way you revealed how he doesn't speak. The first paragraph was wonderfully written, and I really expected it to go well for him, from that, but I like how you threw Devon in and had him mess things up. Really great, wonderful stuff! I'll be reading the second half soon.
9/3/2011 c2 Pandora
I usually enjoy reading stories where the male and female lead end up together and happy. But what you created is completely fantastic. Congratulations. The singularity in every character's personality is just incredible. In two chapters you wrote a story full of history and intriguing personalities. Keep writing and inspiring others. x
8/29/2011 c1 L
I thought for the first chapter, where it said, "But instead, I walk away."

Maybe you could put, "But, the thing is, I walk away."

Just a thought.

But otherwise - VERY GOOD. I enjoyed reading it a lot!
8/29/2011 c2 8Olena Light
This was a masterpiece. Seriously. I'm speechless I have no idea what to say...and I'm sorry that I don't, but there's just not much else to say I don't think...It was amazing. You are what these writers on FP need to learn something from. I loved this so much. Oh and you ended it just right. Keep writing :)
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