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for The End War

10/4/2015 c46 Mark
With a ending like that i could care less if there's a sequel.
12/19/2013 c1 1leofrost
6/8/2012 c46 Kkid1134
Exellant story can't wait for the next one

To come out
1/27/2012 c3 17jenxrawr
1st line: Every single sentence starts with "He". Please, reconsider.

6th sentence (Yes, I do count): again, more "He". again, please reconsider.

4th paragraph, 6th, and 7th paragraph: Be careful with exclamation marks. Use them sparingly. Think of it as you have an x amount (a considerably low number) that you can use ever 10 or so pages.

You have 4 lines that start with "Alex", variety my friend is something very valuable. Creating intricate sentences with a perfect blend of description, exposition, and plot movement is hard but once done well makes a story close to perfect.

Right now you have a lot of detail and exposition but now you need a bridge to bring them together in balanced with. Think through colors and emotions right now. With detail make it like a picture, with exposition bring out the emotion to give me a connection to Alex and who ever else you want us to empathize with.

Cheers, Jenny.
1/23/2012 c2 jenxrawr
Try to use ! sparingly. Instead of using ! to make the sentence stronger try using words that make the ! self-evident.

1st para - An author's job is to paint a picture with his words. You're half there. The detailing is beautiful and you do give me a strong image of what's going on but try to add a little more care when choosing descriptive words. Also try to make a point of not repeating the same word in a sentence.

(Any editing I do will be written in brackets, always)

Example: This planet [had always been] a barren planet but now its [inability to yield harvest had been] exuberated by [the scars of war]. Smoke covered the landscape like a morning mist [reaching] all the way into the overcast sky where the flying shadows of the two sides could be seeing. Fireballs fell in numerous places all around Alex [and he] could only smile at the war torn landscape.

~~ What I've noticed about you're writing is you will state something and then the very next sentence is about the same thing. Try combining the sentence creating a natural flow.

A simplified example of what you have is: Alex is running to catch the hell hound. Alex pulls out his knife.

Instead, try: Running to catch the hell hound Alex pulled his old knife scratched with memories.

~~ Play around with the structure of the sentence.

First, you have a lot of exposition and barely in dialogue. I want to know who Alex is and why he is the way he is. You clearly have a strong idea of the world Alex lives in and the war that he is fighting but try to have an emotional appeal. Writing isn't just knowing what's going on it's about connecting with the audience.

Second, play around with literary devices. I think I mentioned a few before but adding some and playing around with them in your work always adds to stronger writing. My favorite device is the allusion. It makes connections to famous or infamous characters of the real or imaginary world.

I hope that helps in addition to my response to your PM earlier.

Cheers, Jenny.
1/22/2012 c1 jenxrawr
1st sentence: The first line is probably the most important line of your book, followed closely by the last line. It's the sentence that grabs your reader and inspires them, captivates them, enthralls them. Play around with how you start this and see how you can

1st para: You're sentences are really choppy, play around with little details and quirks that enhance a character's personality and the plot of the story.

The pace you're moving at is really fast, you have a lot of information to give and you only give us sentences to absorb it. This is an prime example of author's favorite advice "show don't tell". You're telling us a lot of information in a few short paragraphs, you're giving me a lot of dates and historic events that I'm starting to feel like I'm reading a history textbook. You should have a passion behind your words and every sentence should add to the suspense of the adventure.

Try to slow down your pace, relish each word, and really give your work a critical eye when proof reading.

Cheers, Jenny.
1/16/2012 c2 Omnipotent-Mind
The idea is decent and the descriptions are well thought out. With that said, way to many exclamations, there should be maybe four in this whole chapter not the 15+ that there is. Spelling is alright but other grammer is poor in places. Some sentences and terms you use don't make sense after you look at what there refering to. The beginning feels rushed, not enough information on the main character or the war. Just needs a little editing and the story could be much better.
12/14/2011 c1 25M.H. Moosetail
Lol, I freaking love this DooM-esque story. Its so brilliantly cliche, but the cliche gets overrided by the fact, thats the point. And! its done in such a way, it makes you want the cheesy moments.
9/29/2011 c1 2f1337m4573r
I love your writing. I have only read the first chapter but I am hooked please don't stop anytime soon +
9/25/2011 c2 Risen
Just that first chapter was amazing do not stop! And from what i can see this is as good as actual books!

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