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12/3/2011 c1 7flyingpencil
Hello, kofkof, I am ashamed. After the tie in the WCC contest, I would check all the time to see who won and then I forgot. D=SO I am late.

I will repair this though.

Well, I thought this was a bit confusing. I had to read it more than once to quite understand.

However this is an interesting piece, very vivid and realistic in its description. The way the narrator recalls their intimacy is both sweet and creepy, especially in the line "the way my fingertips brushed your arms, the way the hairs stood erect behind my intimate touch" I find especially creepy.

The beginning is good that question can open to so many answers and I like the fact that you chose to make the answer unusual: a jealous madman wanting revenge is a good example of someone who would ask this question.

And that last line "fear will always be with you" is just truly brilliant, last lines are so important in oneshots and often neglected but this was perfectly in tune with the story.

Another thing I really liked was this sort of lingering mystery: is the guy mad and just trying to freak her out or is he actually jealous because she left or something?

The pace of this story builds up well, I wanted to read on and figure out what had happened, the setting was great also and it just made the whole story shine with realism. Even if it's awful, things like that happen.

Overall I enjoyed it, it showed to what extant dome foreigh exchange

I thought it was just creepy and lyrical, even if the narrator is about to kill her, he still does it with much grace like 'dark crimson pool'. It is also very true, guys can sometimes go to great extremes, that jealousy is way over the top but. , but overall very enjoyable. Continue writing!

PS: Your other pieces also deserve to be recognized and rated and commented upon. Great job!
12/1/2011 c1 7rgarner31
Congrats on winning the WCC! HERE IS YOUR PRIZE!

To start off, i love the first line. it really resonates with me and immediately brings me into the story and already sets a tone for the story.

The ending is perfectly balanced with vagueness and perfect prose. This narrator has a creepy, eery feel and the ending just goes to prove that. Im not a hundred percent sure what was going on in here, but i liked the vagueness a lot!

I think the feeling of your piece is the best part of it. The prose is fantastic, the narrator has clear and distinct voice and tone, and it makes a great imprint on the reader.

There wasnt any dialogue per se in this piece, but i think that since its a first person narrator sort of speaking to someone mentally, it takes care of that issue. Every piece should have at least a little dailgoue, and the more the better!
10/21/2011 c1 24Amethystars
That was creepy as hell. Nice job :)
9/14/2011 c1 4lookingwest
Erugh, sorry for my latent review here. Better late than never! Well...almost late, but we're still good, XD.

You're so irresistible tonight, like a siren. [Loved this line because of the siren reference, there was something very supernatural about it]

Having just re-read Nicole's WCC and now this one, you both chose sort of similar routes with this prompt-however, yours is more muted in a sense, it doesn't have the violence or the language, but I think yours equally contends with the creepiness factor and the use of the second person. I think your piece does more with the subject of the narrator, where Nicole's was more focused on the narrator's inward emotion, so you both do excellent and separate themes while pulling the same sort of creepy-perspective vibe too, XD.

Anyway-specifically on your story (sorry if the comparison was rude of me, I just can't help my English major impulses D:), I love the use of the "baby" and "sweetheart", because it really objectifies the victim. Like, the "you" loses identity, and not only does she/he lose identity, but they also obtain an objectified perspective through the narrator, and that is both sad and effective when conveying the cruel dimensions of the stalker-like qualities.

I like that you give us background and everything, and I think you stay within range of how long the reader will stay interested as far as length, I don't think you overdue it with the monologue or the action, so I liked the balance there. As far as the take on the prompt, again, this isn't something that's entirely new or unexpected given the gruesomeness of the prompt, but I love the outside quality you've given to it of this stalker and the "stranger" perspective. It's quite chilling and effective. I think it's interesting, to also note, that while Nicole's piece focused more on the narrator feeling that he was going to "hell" and the themes of judging, your narrator actually has more positive imagery concerning "heaven" and the focus on how great it feels to do what they love, no matter how sinister. Again, it's very cool to see how you tapped into the same kind of concept but your styles are so different with it! (I'm having an English major hay-day here, XD). I dunno, though, maybe I'm crazily reading into things too much as well.

But! Anyway! That ending, yikes, I like where you leave us as an audience, not entirely at ease, you definitely give this frightening flavor where it lingers beyond the written word. As in, after I read it I had to kind of sit and digest it a moment and had that "You cannot escape me" and "Fear will always be with you" vibe-that's very chilling, and suggests that the obsession will never end-or further, that the story itself will never end. There is lack of closure, and I liked that. You also have a strong piece with this, and I'm really interested to see what's going to win this month! Best of luck, Steph, and I loved this step into the darker dimensions of your style!
9/13/2011 c1 31Laoch
Right from the beginning, I was sucked in. I loved how dark it was as it came out clearly and more conscise then some fics I've seen. There is excellent bits of imagery in here as well, effectively drawing in the reader further. Also, the abruptness of some parts was actually well played and not disjointed like most. :)

There were little touches of repetitveness throughout the fic, which were a little off-putting. Nothing major, just a few double worded places.

I really loved this and excellent use of the prompt. Good luck!

9/12/2011 c1 15Katalina Tomas
I like how the beginning hooked me in immediately, because for some reason I pictured a creep saying that first line, although that might be because of the summary.

I also enjoyed the dark nature to this story and the confident way the narrator speaks of his lust. The imagery and description only added to that.

This was really well done; good luck in the WCC!

9/10/2011 c1 kljhlkkjhug
Ok, so let me just say this was one of the better stories (especially one chaps) that I've read on this site. I love how your character narrates, the gentle soothing, provactative tone combined with the raw violence is a really nice contrast. I also really like how the narrator could be anyone or anything (I usually have a hard time connecting when people write about fear as I still have a little PTSD, but this was great). This really makes the story connect to anyone and everyone. The ending is just great, because we finally see that the narrator is the personification of fear, which everyone has. I couldn't really find anything I didn't like. Damn, I'm jealous ;)
9/10/2011 c1 11berley
For some reason I never imagined you to write the dark type of story, but you did a really awesome job with this piece. I really enjoyed it.

I loved how you kept me guessing the entire time. I was constantly thinking of who or what the narrator was the entire time, and I came up with about two different ideas until the very end, so great job with that. I love it when a piece can do that do me while I’m reading it. I also really liked the language you used. It was sexy in a way, but not over the top or vulgar. You kept it very tasteful, and that really worked for this piece. I also loved your descriptions, very were very awesome to read.

One minor technical thing that is mostly just personal preference:

“your innocence is my impossible song. How can I possibly resist?”

- I thought that sounded a bit repetitive with the two ‘possible’s in there. Maybe re-word it.

Great job with this piece!
9/9/2011 c1 6Ezekiel Finch
Hi from the RG!

I was really impressed on how you were able to take this month's prompt and make it your own. Throughout the entire piece, you really changed and shaped the character and kept us on your toes. At first I thought it was a lover but then I read the line, "It will disguise the thin, black tar," and I thought that you were describing addiction. But then you totally threw me for a loop when at the end that you said it was fear. I was really impressed on how you changed the sensory information to really match the ever evolving description. This kept me guessing and kept me excited.

The second thing I want to commend you on is the seductive language you use. Nothing seemed over the top and that's what really gets authors. Some of the most awkward writing is seductive writing because there's a trap for authors to get too wrapped up in their writing. You handled it very well and never went from seductive to sleazy. You kept a check on yourself and the piece comes off as sophisticated and suspenseful.

Good luck in the WCC!

Ezekiel Finch
9/8/2011 c1 wisedec4u
I absolutely loved this. The way you personified fear as a creeping lover who was stalking the object of his affection was genius. I definitely had me sitting on the edge my seat wondering what he planned to do with her next. I you only vaguely described what was going around them so we had to try guess what was really happening around the girl he was stalking - the dead body, the blood on the ground, her trying flee from fear, cars and people by who ignored her and went about there business and ultimately her absolute fear. I couldn't find anything about this story I would've changed. I thought really well done. Thank you for sharing it with us.
9/8/2011 c1 1x.breathe
I love the use of second person! You really have a gift for creating suspense and mystery.

I actually didn't realize that you were personifying fear until the end, I thought maybe he was a past lover or something. But once I realized what you meant I was astounded! It's such an interesting concept. You did a really great job with this piece!
9/8/2011 c1 11Javajive
Oh my... I enjoyed this as much as your river story, if not more. You're a master at creating suspense. It’s all so dark and crammed with emotion.

I’m a big fan of using first and second person, and I thought you carried it off superbly. I like how intimate you make it, the narrator speaking to a lover, the ‘baby’, the seductive whispering I imagine as I read it. And how especially at the end I notice how the voice is making me increasingly uneasy.

"I'm a jealous lover; I don't plan on sharing. And you will always remember this night." Ugh...this freaked me out (in a delicious way of course :))

Wonderful, wonderful writing again! Best of luck with the WCC :)
9/7/2011 c1 16Dragon made me do it
This is a good hook to open with. I agree it looks better as 'did' rather than 'didn't'.

I also agree, I like the way it's not clear until the very last line that the character is a personification of fear. I was thinking maybe some sort of supernatural creature, possibly a vampire. Your idea is much better!

It works well to make the entire piece a first person narrative, because we don't really need to get inside the motivations of the other characters, it's all about seeing things from Fear's point of view.

I wasn't sure why he had chosen this night in particular to return. Was it just the location or was the boyfriend up to something?

Yeah well done, nice construction of the pace of revelation, it's one of those stories you want to read back over again to see the hidden meanings in things when you have the context to understand them.

Good luck in the contest :-)
9/7/2011 c1 5Dr. Self Destruct
Haha, now this is my type of story. Glad to see you took the dark route again for this WCC; I think this turned out really nice.

[Didn't you miss me?]

I thought this was a very nice opener, extremely creepy and it sets the stage for the rest of the one-shot (like telling the reader this is going to be told in present tense, first person). Although, I think it might be better if you dropped the contraction and just made it 'Did you miss me?' Didn't sounds a bit awkward for some reason, not entirely sure why.

I really love how you're personifying fear during this entire story, and you don't make it blatantly obvious until the very end. For some reason I thought he was a lover from her past, and that they had just got done having a threesome (considering you mentioned another person in the room). I find myself wondering who that other person is, and considering the speaker is fear itself, what is she afraid of? There must be something behind the scenes going on... hmmm...

The way the narrator repeats the terms baby, sweetheart, and darling give it a unique twist. I never would have thought fear was so sultry and naughty. :3

My only gripe would be at times I see things get very descriptive, and sometimes it slows down the general flow, slipping into verbose purple prose. I myself am guilty of doing this very often.

[Listen to your heart flutter in your heaving chest, beneath that swelling bosom.]

Heaving chest and swelling bosom describe the same thing (I think), so I would recommend maybe cutting down on one of them:

"Listen to your heart flutter in your chest beneath that swelling bosom."

[Oh baby, ignore the dark pool swelling and creeping toward us.]

Same with this example:

"Oh baby, ignore the dark pool creeping toward us."

In these two sentences there are a lot of repeated adjectives that slow the pace down a bit, and considering this is an emotionally, suspense driven piece, I think you're aiming for a fast read. But I could be wrong.

Heh... I do love how he mentions her screaming. Very risque. ;3

Good luck in the WCC!
9/7/2011 c1 Silver Sparke
Wow, that was amazing. Your imagery, language, everything was great. And I loved the twist at the end! That was a really clever take on fear.

The parallel structure of your story really brought it together, though at times, it seemed a little too repetitive.

But great job! Good luck with the WCC!

I'm in it too, if you want to check out some of your competition ;)

~Silver Sparke
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