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9/11/2011 c1 1x.breathe
I loved your descriptions. They made me feel like I was watching the scene actually happen.

I also really liked the scene where the main character beat Wayan because it helped to show how much he hated being gay.

I really, really loved this!
9/11/2011 c1 4lookingwest
I like how you introduced each new section with the attention of hands because I think it gave off a great consistency with the pacing and themes. I also like how you showed us an entire relationship in only 2000 words, because I think you did a good job confronting some of the issues with love and relationships that might be relatable-at least the idea that one might want kids while the other doesn't. I think the writing of rebirth at the end was great, and the alarm in the last section was good too, that was a great twist, didn't see it coming, actually, I totally thought our narrator was a woman, so I loved that, it was excellent. Great piece, great take on the prompt, good luck in the WCC!
9/9/2011 c1 9Narq
Oh wow, I love it how this piece is simply pure scenes and emotions and that's really all you need, isn't it?

The storyplot was certainly very gripping and I did love that you let the reader assume a lot of thigns - I think that really shows how confident u are as a writer because you're happy to let the reader 'read between teh lines', and make teir own conclusions which is really cool!

9/7/2011 c1 22RavenclawMoose
I really, really liked this. It was so desperate and messed up and real. I liked how Wayan gave off an appearance of being all calm and collected, but still felt fear when someone actually hurt him. There are too many people who think a character has to either be weak and teary or calm and cool, but not both. It's nice to see someone with a more human character.

I also liked your narrator, but only as a character. In real life, I'd probably want to beat him up worse than he hurt Wayan. Still, he made for a very unique and interesting perspective from which to write your story.

Nice job, and good luck in the WCC!

9/7/2011 c1 16Dragon made me do it
Oh how sad for them both :-( I find when I read your stories I get very swept away by them and when you can feel an inevitable unfortunate ending coming, you really feel bad for the characters.

I don't know what you do to get us swept up in them, because at that point I am focusing too much on the story to objectively deconstruct writing techniques, but whatever it is, it works.

I sort of felt like it was the fear of homosexuality that was embodied in the serpent, rather than Wayan himself, and this came to play at the end when he finally turned the direction of the disgust from Wayan to himself.

I wasn't as surprised by the main character being a man, but I might have been given a hint by a flash glance at the reviews before I read it. I presumed it was the most likely reason for all the guilt. I was also kind of thinking of kuta cowboys and all that. I was, however, surprised to hear that he was only 19, it seems sad to have seen so much of people's dark side at that age. I'm sure this is realistic though. he probably could have been even younger, I think it's just me being innocent.

I like your use of humour early in the piece, before it got too dark for humour:

'I swallow what seems to be all the air on the beach walk, sea-gulls and all.'

'Rats the the size of dogs scurrying by'... although I find that dogs in Bali are just as scary and rodent-like anyway :P

Your sensual descriptions our very rich and are written so effectively that you are not conscious of the words being used but just get caught into the moment. This type of writing also comes up in your description of scenery:

'It's that exact moment the sun dips into the sea, bloody oranges and violent purples. When the world is gaudy and lurid.'


Another great story from you. Good luck!


'winding that lose end around his long fingers' - loose

'a tiny dewy hairs' - take out 'a', or replace with 'the'

'" Aren't you going' - take out the space before 'aren't'

'"You're think you're the first...?"' - change to "You think you're the first ...?"
9/7/2011 c1 18Stephanie M. Moore
Oh. You surprised me. I didn't think the speaker was a male until the very end. I don't know if that was intentional (or if I am just *that* unobservant) but it sort of put the story in a different light.

I like your descriptions of Waylan, using animals to explain him. A cat, a snake- they both say things about him.

I also enjoyed the repetition throughout the piece. Calling Waylan a snake comes to mind first. The fists was also a nice touch, especially considering the way you end it.

I enjoyed this piece. You always do an excellent job at building your settings and giving the scene this ambiance. Good work and good luck in the WCC!
9/7/2011 c1 2NiteSkyStar
Oh wow! Normally I'm not a huge story reader on this site, but I have to say your summary drew me in. You have an incredible talent. Your descriptions were so vivid and real I felt like I was there watching. And the twist at the end... definitely didn't see it coming. You conveyed such a dark, yet intriguing story in only a few words. Amazing work, I applaud you! :)
9/7/2011 c1 5Dr. Self Destruct
["Ever kissed a boy?"]

At first I thought the narrator was a virgin, but then I began to think he's acting a bit too... strange and uncomfortable to be a virgin, cornered by an attractive guy.

["Just... Once. Accidentally... I didn't mean to."]

Then, as soon as I read this, I understood he's not a virgin, but another guy. I like how, during the entire piece, you don't once mention the gender of the narrator, but there's no denying it through the subtle hints of his thought process and the things that Wayan says. It's a clever way to paint the scene, and it lets us piece it all together ourselves, realizing how obvious it is once everything is said and done. I also think it allows us to relate to the reader, because we have to put ourselves into his position to feel what he felt and know what he knew.

[Don't stop. Don't.]

I like how the narrator fights against his own compulsions, but he inevitably gives into it. It shows how indecisive he is about himself, and how little he knows about his own desires and lust.

[And like a cruel thoughtless kitten he had lunged into the heap, tearing at loose threads with razor sharp claws and cute little teeth.]

I like the comparison between Wayan and the kitten tearing into balls of yarn. You have some very vivid imagery, and your imagination is commendable. I really enjoy how you weave certain things together, creating unique bridges between both emotions, descriptions, and actions.

The only bad thing (and this could be completely personal preference) I noticed a few times were that these descriptions can sometimes be a bit too much, dragging down the flow of the narrative, slipping into purple prose. This sentence in particular:

[Wayan's slippery snake-oil beauty, and how easily he sold it to me. Those hooded, almond-shaped eyes with that strange liquid bronze colour and those alarmingly dense lashes, hypnotizing me.]

While it is important to describe this man's appearance, considering his 'beauty' plays a big part in the later end of the story, I did feel it was sometimes repeated too often. But, again, that could just be me and my short attention span. xD

[Release me. Sate me. Save me.]

Ah, so here we finally see what the narrator really wants. I'm wondering who he's talking to here: himself or Wayan? Perhaps even HE doesn't know.

["I'm to be married," I say.]

Oh, my. That's awkward.

I really like Wayan's dialogue. He does indeed strike me as a very confident person, not caring what others think about him. It's good, because when living in today's modern society, unfortunately he needs to be strong to survive. It's a shame... I think someone should be allowed to freely find release/pleasure with whatever gender they want.

["You're think you're the first...?" He struggles to breathe, bubbles of burgundy red from his nose, slime and froth on his upper lip. "Trying to beat the gay out of me?"]

Ah, again, this says a lot about Wayan and his experiences. I admit, I was shocked to see the narrator beating him senseless... but as things progress through the final part of this story, I can see his emotions are, once again, getting the best of him.

[Love me, your stupid fuck.]

Hmm... and this raises the question on whether or not he's into S&M, or merely losing himself to his own violence.

This was truly an emotionally driven piece, and I highly enjoyed it. Good luck with the WCC!

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