for My Courtship10/25/2011 c2 
16Dragon made me do it
Jonathan B. Unseen - love the name!
I like the concept of this piece, and I presume the connection to the previous one will become apparent, something to do with an otherworldly figure influencing an everyday person.
I thought some of the first few paragraphs were a bit wordy and I was keen to jump straight to finding out a bit more what this is about.
It gets more interesting when you introduce the first boyfriend, and the conflict and pace and everything to see and great about this story happens in the second half. I would say reduce the first half and focus on what happens in the second half in a bit more detail and this will be a great little piece!
And I do think this works well as a kind of trip-tych (assuming there will be a third part later) with the first story, a kind of series of vignettes.
16Dragon made me do itJonathan B. Unseen - love the name!
I like the concept of this piece, and I presume the connection to the previous one will become apparent, something to do with an otherworldly figure influencing an everyday person.
I thought some of the first few paragraphs were a bit wordy and I was keen to jump straight to finding out a bit more what this is about.
It gets more interesting when you introduce the first boyfriend, and the conflict and pace and everything to see and great about this story happens in the second half. I would say reduce the first half and focus on what happens in the second half in a bit more detail and this will be a great little piece!
And I do think this works well as a kind of trip-tych (assuming there will be a third part later) with the first story, a kind of series of vignettes.
10/25/2011 c1 Dragon made me do it
This is your prize review for guessing the tale of piotr rabinski- therefore no return expected :-)
Chapter summary:
'The stubborn tenacity of an autistic donkey' - best metaphor ever! I am not used to this concept of a chapter summary, but since you have written it so cleverly, you have pulled it off nicely.
Opening
Again, loving your writing style here. In theory, character descriptions can be a bit static and verbose to open a story with, but because of your sharp writing style and unique imagery, it is quite an effective way to open the story.
relationships
This really is the key to your story, and the relationship between the main character and the Count is well-developed, particularly for such a short story.
His stalking tendencies still come across as slightly affectionate, in a subtle way. these ambivalent feelings aren't well encapsulated when you say: 'I glanced at him, simultaneously feeling slightly ill at the pit of my stomach, and resigned to my fate.'
I was a little surprised to then read: "No, once you fall for me, I will just crush your heart under my thumb until you pull away again." - But I know guys like that, so it is quite realistic!
Does the relationship changed when we find out what happens at the end? I think not so much, in a way it doesn't matter if he is real, it is about her inner torment when it comes down to it.
writing style
Your writing style in this story is a little bit more verbose than usual, but I think that this is well tailored to the context of the story, historical/Romance. It is effective for this purpose, and what's more still very readable.
[Actually, now that I have seen reference to a refrigerator and mobile phone, perhaps I am wrong about it being historical? In any case since you have written in this style, so probably my comments still apply]
The temptation with historical writing is to lose your own style in an attempt to mimic the style of the times. The key to this writing is to still find your own voice in there somewhere. I think you have done this, although to make it even better you could think about how to do this some more.
for example: 'I was drawn to him like a moth to a flame'- is a bit cliched, since you are so good at coming up with original metaphors, perhaps you could create your own here?
ending
That was quite the twist at the end of the chapter, finding out he is a figment of her imagination. This might have been cheesy in different circumstances, but here it works really well, because it makes a lot of sense that somebody who was tormented within themselves would imagine a character like this. In this context it is actually quite clever!
spelling/grammar/punctuation:
third paragraph of main part -'man: Steering' - I would not usually use a capital after a colon, but I suppose I could be wrong here.
Fourth paragraph - 'nerve-wrecking' should be 'nerve-racking' unless you were trying to say something different here.
11th paragraph - 'Even the undivided of attention of someone' should be 'Even the undivided attention of someone'
- 'showing interest their offspring' - should be 'showing interest in their offspring'
- 'I had never been as much as half-heartedly courted' - should be 'I had never been so much as half-heartedly courted'
12th paragraph - 'he would give me an asinine, cliché response' - 'Cliche' should be 'cliched' (I can't do the accent in here, keep the accent but add the D)
13th paragraph - 'refridgerator' should be refrigerator (yes I know we shorten it to 'fridge', but for some reason the long form is 'refrigerator' - English is pretty stupid - although you might want to check that it may be accepted as an alternative spelling and I could be wrong)
Overall, I am enjoying this, definitely need to read the next chapter now!
This is your prize review for guessing the tale of piotr rabinski- therefore no return expected :-)
Chapter summary:
'The stubborn tenacity of an autistic donkey' - best metaphor ever! I am not used to this concept of a chapter summary, but since you have written it so cleverly, you have pulled it off nicely.
Opening
Again, loving your writing style here. In theory, character descriptions can be a bit static and verbose to open a story with, but because of your sharp writing style and unique imagery, it is quite an effective way to open the story.
relationships
This really is the key to your story, and the relationship between the main character and the Count is well-developed, particularly for such a short story.
His stalking tendencies still come across as slightly affectionate, in a subtle way. these ambivalent feelings aren't well encapsulated when you say: 'I glanced at him, simultaneously feeling slightly ill at the pit of my stomach, and resigned to my fate.'
I was a little surprised to then read: "No, once you fall for me, I will just crush your heart under my thumb until you pull away again." - But I know guys like that, so it is quite realistic!
Does the relationship changed when we find out what happens at the end? I think not so much, in a way it doesn't matter if he is real, it is about her inner torment when it comes down to it.
writing style
Your writing style in this story is a little bit more verbose than usual, but I think that this is well tailored to the context of the story, historical/Romance. It is effective for this purpose, and what's more still very readable.
[Actually, now that I have seen reference to a refrigerator and mobile phone, perhaps I am wrong about it being historical? In any case since you have written in this style, so probably my comments still apply]
The temptation with historical writing is to lose your own style in an attempt to mimic the style of the times. The key to this writing is to still find your own voice in there somewhere. I think you have done this, although to make it even better you could think about how to do this some more.
for example: 'I was drawn to him like a moth to a flame'- is a bit cliched, since you are so good at coming up with original metaphors, perhaps you could create your own here?
ending
That was quite the twist at the end of the chapter, finding out he is a figment of her imagination. This might have been cheesy in different circumstances, but here it works really well, because it makes a lot of sense that somebody who was tormented within themselves would imagine a character like this. In this context it is actually quite clever!
spelling/grammar/punctuation:
third paragraph of main part -'man: Steering' - I would not usually use a capital after a colon, but I suppose I could be wrong here.
Fourth paragraph - 'nerve-wrecking' should be 'nerve-racking' unless you were trying to say something different here.
11th paragraph - 'Even the undivided of attention of someone' should be 'Even the undivided attention of someone'
- 'showing interest their offspring' - should be 'showing interest in their offspring'
- 'I had never been as much as half-heartedly courted' - should be 'I had never been so much as half-heartedly courted'
12th paragraph - 'he would give me an asinine, cliché response' - 'Cliche' should be 'cliched' (I can't do the accent in here, keep the accent but add the D)
13th paragraph - 'refridgerator' should be refrigerator (yes I know we shorten it to 'fridge', but for some reason the long form is 'refrigerator' - English is pretty stupid - although you might want to check that it may be accepted as an alternative spelling and I could be wrong)
Overall, I am enjoying this, definitely need to read the next chapter now!
10/17/2011 c2 5Peachie Miss
Aww. I wouldn't have expected guardian angels to be so vulnerable, but I guess it's possible for your person to hurt you. I felt bad for the both of them, they both should have backed down before it was too late. And this was before the Count? So I wonder what happens in the third! Thanks for updating!
5Peachie MissAww. I wouldn't have expected guardian angels to be so vulnerable, but I guess it's possible for your person to hurt you. I felt bad for the both of them, they both should have backed down before it was too late. And this was before the Count? So I wonder what happens in the third! Thanks for updating!
9/13/2011 c1 PeachieMiss
LOL what is this madness? I would love to see more, if only to figure out what's going on.
LOL what is this madness? I would love to see more, if only to figure out what's going on.