for Ghost of Souls6/8/2012 c1 Latinoprincess
I like this story... I will support you throughout this whole story. Keep goin'.
I like this story... I will support you throughout this whole story. Keep goin'.
5/3/2012 c5 
5Dr. Self Destruct
Hey there!
I can kinda relate to Elena with how I couldn't sleep a few nights ago. I think it's interesting how you bring up Elena wondering where he powers come from. I think it says a lot about her situation that she doesn't know, adding this sense of mystery to the plot where I'm suddenly wondering if it is indeed some type of divine intervention. That would be very interesting, considering things like that would only happen if there's a purpose for her to serve by using this gift. The evolution thing is interesting as well - makes me wonder if there's anyone else out there with the same abilities as her.
Although it ended up being a bit foolish on her end, it was refreshing to see Elena try to help those people getting mugged (and possibly murdered). The idea of ghosts fighting each other, and how it can push humans to unconsciousness is really cool, but at the same time kinda scary. I think it gives Elena this unique power over everyone around her, what with how she can command Katie to attack someone's ghost and no one would be the wiser. I wonder if Katie is able to kill someone by doing this, instead of just knock them out. That would be the perfect assassin, haha. No one would see her coming and no evidence would be left behind.
Meh, sorry, I'm babbling.
But yeah, I thought this chapter did a great job further developing this link that Elena has with her ghost, and what in fact the ghosts are capable of (in terms of violence). Oh, and the things she said to that one thug trying to attack her was pretty funny, especially this line: "Well, I was hiding, but something tells me it didn't work." I can definitely see that confusing the hell out of a murderer, someone talking back to him and completely ignoring how he's got a knife in his hands, haha.
5Dr. Self DestructHey there!
I can kinda relate to Elena with how I couldn't sleep a few nights ago. I think it's interesting how you bring up Elena wondering where he powers come from. I think it says a lot about her situation that she doesn't know, adding this sense of mystery to the plot where I'm suddenly wondering if it is indeed some type of divine intervention. That would be very interesting, considering things like that would only happen if there's a purpose for her to serve by using this gift. The evolution thing is interesting as well - makes me wonder if there's anyone else out there with the same abilities as her.
Although it ended up being a bit foolish on her end, it was refreshing to see Elena try to help those people getting mugged (and possibly murdered). The idea of ghosts fighting each other, and how it can push humans to unconsciousness is really cool, but at the same time kinda scary. I think it gives Elena this unique power over everyone around her, what with how she can command Katie to attack someone's ghost and no one would be the wiser. I wonder if Katie is able to kill someone by doing this, instead of just knock them out. That would be the perfect assassin, haha. No one would see her coming and no evidence would be left behind.
Meh, sorry, I'm babbling.
But yeah, I thought this chapter did a great job further developing this link that Elena has with her ghost, and what in fact the ghosts are capable of (in terms of violence). Oh, and the things she said to that one thug trying to attack her was pretty funny, especially this line: "Well, I was hiding, but something tells me it didn't work." I can definitely see that confusing the hell out of a murderer, someone talking back to him and completely ignoring how he's got a knife in his hands, haha.
3/17/2012 c14 Mariabelle
Yeay! You updated! I'm a little confused so then who was the one strangling the body if she was in the corner? :D but really happy you decided to update please update when you can :)
Yeay! You updated! I'm a little confused so then who was the one strangling the body if she was in the corner? :D but really happy you decided to update please update when you can :)
3/10/2012 c13 Mariabelle
Hey! I told you I'll read it! (I did...right? O_O) anyway really good job again! Update soon! Also Dom's personality seems like a double personality and seems similar to Elle's brother's in your other story. Also just wondering do the "ghosts" look opaque or transparent or translucent?:D anyway please update soon!
Hey! I told you I'll read it! (I did...right? O_O) anyway really good job again! Update soon! Also Dom's personality seems like a double personality and seems similar to Elle's brother's in your other story. Also just wondering do the "ghosts" look opaque or transparent or translucent?:D anyway please update soon!
3/4/2012 c4 Dr. Self Destruct
I had actually read this on Friday but didn't get a chance to review until now. Sorry about that! ^-^
I like how you open things up in her work place, and I can't help notice how mundane things feel, considering she works in a cubicle. I think that's really cool, though, because it's so much different than how she really is - her life is definitely not normal, considering she can see ghosts and everything. I just thought it was a cool contrast - it makes me wonder if she works at places like this to balance out her supernatural gifts with a normal life. Though, from the sounds of things, perhaps her job here isn't as boring as I'm making it out to be. I just make that assumption because every job that takes place in a cubicle has the reputation to be boring. xD
I also thought Ethan's interest in Elena was pretty cute, how he wanted to buy her lunch. At least we see it's not just Bob who she holds kinda far away. And I'm also glad you brought the whole thing with her hand over from the previous chapter. Since it hurt her so much, I'm starting to wonder what was really wrong with that guy... and if it was just a sickness surrounding him. Maybe he was evil or something. Hmm...
That little part about Natalie having the flu made me grin, considering I know why Elena knows about her condition.
So here we get to see more about Kara's past. I know in the summary it said she was raped - I think you show very well how it's still affecting her, what with how upset she gets when having to deal with that girl who was stabbed. For some reason I thought Kara knew about Elena's gift up to this point, I don't know why, but finding out she doesn't was a pleasant surprise. I think it'll add some interesting tension between them in the future. I like how scared she got when Kara asked her what happened to her hand - I'm wondering how permanent the damage is.
I find myself really intrigued by Kara's character. The way the chapter ends really leaves a lot of questions as to what exactly happened to her the night she was raped.
I had actually read this on Friday but didn't get a chance to review until now. Sorry about that! ^-^
I like how you open things up in her work place, and I can't help notice how mundane things feel, considering she works in a cubicle. I think that's really cool, though, because it's so much different than how she really is - her life is definitely not normal, considering she can see ghosts and everything. I just thought it was a cool contrast - it makes me wonder if she works at places like this to balance out her supernatural gifts with a normal life. Though, from the sounds of things, perhaps her job here isn't as boring as I'm making it out to be. I just make that assumption because every job that takes place in a cubicle has the reputation to be boring. xD
I also thought Ethan's interest in Elena was pretty cute, how he wanted to buy her lunch. At least we see it's not just Bob who she holds kinda far away. And I'm also glad you brought the whole thing with her hand over from the previous chapter. Since it hurt her so much, I'm starting to wonder what was really wrong with that guy... and if it was just a sickness surrounding him. Maybe he was evil or something. Hmm...
That little part about Natalie having the flu made me grin, considering I know why Elena knows about her condition.
So here we get to see more about Kara's past. I know in the summary it said she was raped - I think you show very well how it's still affecting her, what with how upset she gets when having to deal with that girl who was stabbed. For some reason I thought Kara knew about Elena's gift up to this point, I don't know why, but finding out she doesn't was a pleasant surprise. I think it'll add some interesting tension between them in the future. I like how scared she got when Kara asked her what happened to her hand - I'm wondering how permanent the damage is.
I find myself really intrigued by Kara's character. The way the chapter ends really leaves a lot of questions as to what exactly happened to her the night she was raped.
2/28/2012 c3 Dr. Self Destruct
So it looks like right away we get a sense of Elena's anxiety when around other people. I suppose that's normal, considering the stuff she can see, because I assume it would mess with my head as well if I saw ghosts walking around everywhere. And I really like that name 'Elena' by the way. I don't see it very often, but it's also one of those names that sticks - very powerful, I think.
Now, when it comes to stories like this, especially when they're told in first person, there's always that doubt in the reader's mind at first whether or not what Elena is seeing is actually there. Elena does seem like a very reliable narrator though, her voice is firm and gives me no reason to think she might be crazy, so thus far I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she's telling the truth (well, as far as she knows is the truth). This isn't really anything bad or good - just a general statement. I think that's what draws me to first person narrative so much, how you can't really trust EVERYTHING the narrator says. Kinda makes you want to delve into their character and learn everything you can about them in order to get a better hold on the general world as they see it.
I liked the light hearted conversation between her and Bob, though I do find it strange how they've talked a few times and still don't know each other's names. I might just be too trusting of a person, though. But, I would have liked a little more explanation on why she's so untrusting around him - if it's explained in the near future, then ignore this, but just something to think about.
I love how she looks at his ghost while they're talking, though, and I get the feeling that, considering her gift, by this point she might know his ghost better than Bob himself. Which is interesting, if you think about it. It gives me the impression she trusts these ghosts more than real people - which I can understand, since thus far they've been described as generally innocent and peaceful in nature, while people will always be... well, people - violent and irrational.
I'm intrigued by the man at the end. I think you added enough ambiguity to his situation to make it somewhat a hook to keep the reader going - especially the part where his ghost burned her hand. Now this makes me wonder... was that darkness around his soul really a sickness, or was it evil? She mentioned being able to see people's wrongdoings through their ghosts, and this intrigued me even more. As of right now we don't really know what Elena does with this gift, so I have a bunch of different ideas floating around in my head.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time we see that stranger at the end. And I hope we see more of Bob too - his relationship with Elena is unique, and it'll be funny to see how much effort he has to put forward to get to know her better before Elena finally caves - or slips.
So it looks like right away we get a sense of Elena's anxiety when around other people. I suppose that's normal, considering the stuff she can see, because I assume it would mess with my head as well if I saw ghosts walking around everywhere. And I really like that name 'Elena' by the way. I don't see it very often, but it's also one of those names that sticks - very powerful, I think.
Now, when it comes to stories like this, especially when they're told in first person, there's always that doubt in the reader's mind at first whether or not what Elena is seeing is actually there. Elena does seem like a very reliable narrator though, her voice is firm and gives me no reason to think she might be crazy, so thus far I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she's telling the truth (well, as far as she knows is the truth). This isn't really anything bad or good - just a general statement. I think that's what draws me to first person narrative so much, how you can't really trust EVERYTHING the narrator says. Kinda makes you want to delve into their character and learn everything you can about them in order to get a better hold on the general world as they see it.
I liked the light hearted conversation between her and Bob, though I do find it strange how they've talked a few times and still don't know each other's names. I might just be too trusting of a person, though. But, I would have liked a little more explanation on why she's so untrusting around him - if it's explained in the near future, then ignore this, but just something to think about.
I love how she looks at his ghost while they're talking, though, and I get the feeling that, considering her gift, by this point she might know his ghost better than Bob himself. Which is interesting, if you think about it. It gives me the impression she trusts these ghosts more than real people - which I can understand, since thus far they've been described as generally innocent and peaceful in nature, while people will always be... well, people - violent and irrational.
I'm intrigued by the man at the end. I think you added enough ambiguity to his situation to make it somewhat a hook to keep the reader going - especially the part where his ghost burned her hand. Now this makes me wonder... was that darkness around his soul really a sickness, or was it evil? She mentioned being able to see people's wrongdoings through their ghosts, and this intrigued me even more. As of right now we don't really know what Elena does with this gift, so I have a bunch of different ideas floating around in my head.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time we see that stranger at the end. And I hope we see more of Bob too - his relationship with Elena is unique, and it'll be funny to see how much effort he has to put forward to get to know her better before Elena finally caves - or slips.
2/28/2012 c2 Dr. Self Destruct
I really like this idea of yours where the 'ghost' of a person's soul kinda follows them around. Guardian angels came to mind when I first saw this, and I don't think I've ever read anything that's taken such an approach to 'ghosts'. It's very unique in that regard. Right now I'm reading a book that has to do with the occult, so my interest in it has grown exponentially in the past few days - it was nice to find something on FP that dabbles in the same thing that is also well written.
I do have one major suggestion, though, and this is entirely my own opinion, so what I might suggest another reader could come along right behind me and think is a stupid idea. But anyway, this is more in regards to the prologue. Now, me as a person, I generally don't like prologues because I feel like it's more a distraction before the actual reading, kinda like an obstacle the reader has to get over before they get to the meat.
There are generally some very patient readers that will follow along and not really care, but then you have the ones with a short attention span (kinda like me) who, unless the prologue is done right, might lose interest in the story, especially if it's a free one they read online instead of one they paid money for (because if I paid for something, you're damn right I'm gonna read it, love it or hate it xD).
On the contrary, I really did like your prologue - I thought it gave us a great insight into the character's personalty and her somewhat sarcastic/light hearted tone, so I do think you should keep it. I was thinking maybe in a future rewrite you might consider weaving the prologue and first chapter together, since this prologue isn't really anything major - more or less a quick run down on what's going on. Since you show us more of the situation in the first chapter, I think that would be a good opportunity to insert some of the information from the prologue. It would both get the reader into the story quicker and become engaging right from the start, as well as provide the information you want to convey.
I really hope this makes sense...
But anyways, back to the first chapter. I really do like your main character, and I think you provided enough information here to make the prose engaging and keep the reader's interest. You have a firm understanding of proper grammar (which is always a plus!) and I don't think I ever noticed your sentence structure becoming repetitive or choppy. In fact, I fell right into the flow of things and went right on to the next chapter. I didn't once have the desire to skim, so that's always a good sign.
I've actually already read the next chapter, so I'll go ahead and go over there to review it. xD
I really like this idea of yours where the 'ghost' of a person's soul kinda follows them around. Guardian angels came to mind when I first saw this, and I don't think I've ever read anything that's taken such an approach to 'ghosts'. It's very unique in that regard. Right now I'm reading a book that has to do with the occult, so my interest in it has grown exponentially in the past few days - it was nice to find something on FP that dabbles in the same thing that is also well written.
I do have one major suggestion, though, and this is entirely my own opinion, so what I might suggest another reader could come along right behind me and think is a stupid idea. But anyway, this is more in regards to the prologue. Now, me as a person, I generally don't like prologues because I feel like it's more a distraction before the actual reading, kinda like an obstacle the reader has to get over before they get to the meat.
There are generally some very patient readers that will follow along and not really care, but then you have the ones with a short attention span (kinda like me) who, unless the prologue is done right, might lose interest in the story, especially if it's a free one they read online instead of one they paid money for (because if I paid for something, you're damn right I'm gonna read it, love it or hate it xD).
On the contrary, I really did like your prologue - I thought it gave us a great insight into the character's personalty and her somewhat sarcastic/light hearted tone, so I do think you should keep it. I was thinking maybe in a future rewrite you might consider weaving the prologue and first chapter together, since this prologue isn't really anything major - more or less a quick run down on what's going on. Since you show us more of the situation in the first chapter, I think that would be a good opportunity to insert some of the information from the prologue. It would both get the reader into the story quicker and become engaging right from the start, as well as provide the information you want to convey.
I really hope this makes sense...
But anyways, back to the first chapter. I really do like your main character, and I think you provided enough information here to make the prose engaging and keep the reader's interest. You have a firm understanding of proper grammar (which is always a plus!) and I don't think I ever noticed your sentence structure becoming repetitive or choppy. In fact, I fell right into the flow of things and went right on to the next chapter. I didn't once have the desire to skim, so that's always a good sign.
I've actually already read the next chapter, so I'll go ahead and go over there to review it. xD
12/5/2011 c9 artmagus
hmm so what's the deal with bobby boy? if she feels something off, i definitely think so!
hmm so what's the deal with bobby boy? if she feels something off, i definitely think so!
11/28/2011 c6 4lookingwest
My eyes snapped open. "I don't mean to be rude, but I'd rather you not talk about him." [This line of dialogue didn't fit well for me, I feel like it was slightly unbelievable, so I read it a few times trying to get the dialogue. Instead of saying "don't speak about the father" I would have been like, "please mind your own business" because the lady just kind of passive aggressively insulted my friend, by saying she wasn't *as* beautiful as her baby is-I don't know, the lady went off and said something super strange and weird anyway, but this follow up conversation about the father seemed forced, as if you needed a way to bring up the subject and wasn't sure how. Then again, characters aren't me either, so it really don't matter, just kind of had me scratching my head.]
I liked this chapter, I think you did a good job with setting because I had a clear picture of both scenes while window shopping and then with the coffee. I liked the big in the end with the bathroom too, because I think that shows the relationship that Katie has and the abilities to heal instead of telling it, so that was good. I also like how you handle Henry, I've never written a character that young before but I think you do a good job. He's kind of seen and not heard until the very end, which at first I was skeptical that he wasn't making much of a commotion but you definitely fixed that in the end.
Elena continues to be a sturdy narrator. I like the continuing mystery of everything and I think you describe the pain of her headaches and stuff really well-as in, I think you keep it believably constant and you bring it up at just the right moment. I liked the visual with the sunglasses in the beginning too, it was a nice touch. I also liked the device of having Kara describe what she's wearing and comment on it, I think that shows a lot about her character and you did it in a realistic way.
Going back to my first comment, I must add that you made me really suspicious of the other two women, and I think that's because they were getting up and leaving at the same time as Elena and Katie too, which added to how I felt the one woman's question was kind of weird too. I just thought maybe they were some sort of group of bad guys, dunno. Then again I have a feeling it might have just been showing that they were simply staying in the coffee shop to eavesdrop on Katie and Kara, but eh, wouldn't they want to stay behind to talk about them once they're gone? ...Nah, I think I'm just being picky with them, XD.
Overall this chapter works really well, and I liked it!
4lookingwestMy eyes snapped open. "I don't mean to be rude, but I'd rather you not talk about him." [This line of dialogue didn't fit well for me, I feel like it was slightly unbelievable, so I read it a few times trying to get the dialogue. Instead of saying "don't speak about the father" I would have been like, "please mind your own business" because the lady just kind of passive aggressively insulted my friend, by saying she wasn't *as* beautiful as her baby is-I don't know, the lady went off and said something super strange and weird anyway, but this follow up conversation about the father seemed forced, as if you needed a way to bring up the subject and wasn't sure how. Then again, characters aren't me either, so it really don't matter, just kind of had me scratching my head.]
I liked this chapter, I think you did a good job with setting because I had a clear picture of both scenes while window shopping and then with the coffee. I liked the big in the end with the bathroom too, because I think that shows the relationship that Katie has and the abilities to heal instead of telling it, so that was good. I also like how you handle Henry, I've never written a character that young before but I think you do a good job. He's kind of seen and not heard until the very end, which at first I was skeptical that he wasn't making much of a commotion but you definitely fixed that in the end.
Elena continues to be a sturdy narrator. I like the continuing mystery of everything and I think you describe the pain of her headaches and stuff really well-as in, I think you keep it believably constant and you bring it up at just the right moment. I liked the visual with the sunglasses in the beginning too, it was a nice touch. I also liked the device of having Kara describe what she's wearing and comment on it, I think that shows a lot about her character and you did it in a realistic way.
Going back to my first comment, I must add that you made me really suspicious of the other two women, and I think that's because they were getting up and leaving at the same time as Elena and Katie too, which added to how I felt the one woman's question was kind of weird too. I just thought maybe they were some sort of group of bad guys, dunno. Then again I have a feeling it might have just been showing that they were simply staying in the coffee shop to eavesdrop on Katie and Kara, but eh, wouldn't they want to stay behind to talk about them once they're gone? ...Nah, I think I'm just being picky with them, XD.
Overall this chapter works really well, and I liked it!
11/26/2011 c5 lookingwest
In the beginning few paragraphs you start with "I" five times, so maybe keep in mind the use of "I" at the beginning of sentences to keep from sounding too repetitive, but it wasn't that bad in this chapter, more of a stylistic observation than anything else, and it's hard not to do with first person-I'm guilty too.
This chapter felt more introspective than the past two, so I liked the change of tone and pace. There wasn't a whole lot of interaction until the end and I think you segued really well into the action sequences verses Elena being very restless in bed. The reason she goes out to walk seems quite believable, so I didn't have a problem with how that was portrayed. I liked the action at the end with the three men and then the danger that becomes another clue for foreshadow. The ending worked really well and makes me want to continue reading, and I hope Elena's okay. I think the last two paragraphs were described well concerning the pain and the different aches and gasps involved-it felt smooth and well paced with the prior dialogue too.
The concept of ghosts in this story continues to impress me, and I think you really have a creative idea! I'm enjoying watching things unfold!
In the beginning few paragraphs you start with "I" five times, so maybe keep in mind the use of "I" at the beginning of sentences to keep from sounding too repetitive, but it wasn't that bad in this chapter, more of a stylistic observation than anything else, and it's hard not to do with first person-I'm guilty too.
This chapter felt more introspective than the past two, so I liked the change of tone and pace. There wasn't a whole lot of interaction until the end and I think you segued really well into the action sequences verses Elena being very restless in bed. The reason she goes out to walk seems quite believable, so I didn't have a problem with how that was portrayed. I liked the action at the end with the three men and then the danger that becomes another clue for foreshadow. The ending worked really well and makes me want to continue reading, and I hope Elena's okay. I think the last two paragraphs were described well concerning the pain and the different aches and gasps involved-it felt smooth and well paced with the prior dialogue too.
The concept of ghosts in this story continues to impress me, and I think you really have a creative idea! I'm enjoying watching things unfold!
11/26/2011 c4 lookingwest
I found this chapter had a good amount of foreshadow that I really liked because it makes me think something really bad is going to happen soon-especially concerning the part with the girl who was a victim of 14 stab wounds, that sounded really gore and serious so I'm thinking that might eventually have to come back into play involving the main characters somehow. If not, it was still a stark image that I think works to the advantage of the chapter. The later half with Kara was definitely my favorite scene too, just because I feel like the dialogue worked well between her and Elena and I liked that both of them were addressing things that have been bothering them.
I found this chapter had a good amount of foreshadow that I really liked because it makes me think something really bad is going to happen soon-especially concerning the part with the girl who was a victim of 14 stab wounds, that sounded really gore and serious so I'm thinking that might eventually have to come back into play involving the main characters somehow. If not, it was still a stark image that I think works to the advantage of the chapter. The later half with Kara was definitely my favorite scene too, just because I feel like the dialogue worked well between her and Elena and I liked that both of them were addressing things that have been bothering them.
10/11/2011 c3 lookingwest
He didn't argue – didn't even blinked at my unfair... [Typo, "blink"]
I liked the way you handled action in this chapter. You do a good job balancing it in with the dialogue and I got the sense of the running well. I think it's cool you also were able to integrate the idea of being afraid of crowds and that anxiety. It's good you bring it up several times so that we get that sense right away and we know it's important. I liked how you also described the ghost souls, that's a very interesting concept, and I liked to see it elaborated the way that you have so far. From the prologue you give us the basics and the first chapter gives us more but here I feel like we finally get to see it played out.
I think my favorite part was the second part. I really like how you ended this chapter and demonstrated that she's not a bad person or anything, just a bit stressed out, and that she's willing to help. I also liked the moment with the concert tickets-I was hoping they would go to the show, but I think that's a good way to demonstrate how she interacts with others and everything. Overall, this was a good chapter, it read easy, didn't find any huge edits or grammatical errors so yeah, thanks for the read!
He didn't argue – didn't even blinked at my unfair... [Typo, "blink"]
I liked the way you handled action in this chapter. You do a good job balancing it in with the dialogue and I got the sense of the running well. I think it's cool you also were able to integrate the idea of being afraid of crowds and that anxiety. It's good you bring it up several times so that we get that sense right away and we know it's important. I liked how you also described the ghost souls, that's a very interesting concept, and I liked to see it elaborated the way that you have so far. From the prologue you give us the basics and the first chapter gives us more but here I feel like we finally get to see it played out.
I think my favorite part was the second part. I really like how you ended this chapter and demonstrated that she's not a bad person or anything, just a bit stressed out, and that she's willing to help. I also liked the moment with the concert tickets-I was hoping they would go to the show, but I think that's a good way to demonstrate how she interacts with others and everything. Overall, this was a good chapter, it read easy, didn't find any huge edits or grammatical errors so yeah, thanks for the read!
10/9/2011 c2 lookingwest
Okay going to be brutally honest but I mean this in the form of a constructive critique-definitely not liking the alarm clock opening. Bring us into the story with something fun, something that kick starts us and puts us right into the middle of things. Alarm clock openings are tiredly overdone for novels and I would love to see something more creative from an opening, which I know you can do by the ominous sound of the last line of the prologue. I feel like you can drop us into the story in a much more interesting part than this. My big beef with the alarm clock opening is that everyone wakes up in the morning, everyone has routine-I would just enjoy to see something more creative done with her. The first four paragraphs of this chapter are so 100% what everyone else feels like in the morning that they can almost be skipped. I mean, we all love the snooze, we all love getting up, we usually rush to the bathroom, the only thing I think that saves this is that she cuts her fringe, but meh, everything up to that point could be chucked. You could open with that, actually, her cutting her fringe-that might draw me in more!
I like where you're going with the ghosts, that was creative, I liked that you spent time to tell us what ghosts are like in your world you've created, and I liked the time to describe Katie. I think it's good to intro with her too. This spices things up from the alarm clock and it was a good segue from the fringe scene. Keeps me curious and keeps me reading.
I think the detail about the ghosts was my favorite part in this chapter, otherwise it kind of fell flat as far as gaining my attention. I do like that you've established a creative idea though, and I still have the lasting images from the prologue fresh in my mind, so I like that that carries over, but it really has me wondering again, is she aware she's a character, why has she suddenly stopped talking to the audience, will she go back to doing that again? And maybe these questions will be cleared up later on, so I should just shut up, haha. I must be patient!
Enjoyed the creative take thus far!
Okay going to be brutally honest but I mean this in the form of a constructive critique-definitely not liking the alarm clock opening. Bring us into the story with something fun, something that kick starts us and puts us right into the middle of things. Alarm clock openings are tiredly overdone for novels and I would love to see something more creative from an opening, which I know you can do by the ominous sound of the last line of the prologue. I feel like you can drop us into the story in a much more interesting part than this. My big beef with the alarm clock opening is that everyone wakes up in the morning, everyone has routine-I would just enjoy to see something more creative done with her. The first four paragraphs of this chapter are so 100% what everyone else feels like in the morning that they can almost be skipped. I mean, we all love the snooze, we all love getting up, we usually rush to the bathroom, the only thing I think that saves this is that she cuts her fringe, but meh, everything up to that point could be chucked. You could open with that, actually, her cutting her fringe-that might draw me in more!
I like where you're going with the ghosts, that was creative, I liked that you spent time to tell us what ghosts are like in your world you've created, and I liked the time to describe Katie. I think it's good to intro with her too. This spices things up from the alarm clock and it was a good segue from the fringe scene. Keeps me curious and keeps me reading.
I think the detail about the ghosts was my favorite part in this chapter, otherwise it kind of fell flat as far as gaining my attention. I do like that you've established a creative idea though, and I still have the lasting images from the prologue fresh in my mind, so I like that that carries over, but it really has me wondering again, is she aware she's a character, why has she suddenly stopped talking to the audience, will she go back to doing that again? And maybe these questions will be cleared up later on, so I should just shut up, haha. I must be patient!
Enjoyed the creative take thus far!
10/9/2011 c1 lookingwest
If you do, you're probably crazy and for my sake... [Edit: there feels something a bit off to me about the tense of this...for "do"...maybe it should be "did"? The rest seems to be past tense so I'm not really sure but it reads awkward. Would also add in a comma after "crazy"]
I don't like that Elena introduces herself and then promptly introduces her weight and height, it felt unnatural. If I'm introducing myself to someone I wouldn't tell them I'm of a "healthy" weight and "five feet five inches tall", so I'm not believing it either-it feels like it's more here for the story purposes, as if she doesn't understand that we "see her"...I mean...I don't know it just didn't click with me, felt too cliche as a character description right off the bat. Would like to have seen it worked in more gradually.
I like the beginning of this prologue and I like the end of the prologue, but I'm overall not a fan of the digression in the middle. I like that this is kind of breaking the fourth wall but at the same time it makes me think-who is she talking to? Does she know that she is physically a character in a novel? Is she writing this down in a journal, who is the "you", and if it is the reader, does that then mean she's conscious of being in a story...? If you do something like this I think it raises a lot more questions about where the narration is coming from, especially if it's in present tense. You kind of have both tenses at play here so I think you should pick one and stay consistent. Is it past tense-or present? Even your first line is fragmented.
"Would you believe me if I told you" is in past tense, while "I see ghosts" is in present tense with "see"... Then the second line is in past tense with "would be"...so I'm not quite sure, there's some tenseness there that I think should be relieved by picking one.
Overall though, interested to see what the ghost of souls is, that sounds fresh and creative so I'm willing to follow Elena on this journey. As a prologue it raises more questions than answers, which I think is of course the purpose...it's meant to draw us in, I think you accomplished that.
If you do, you're probably crazy and for my sake... [Edit: there feels something a bit off to me about the tense of this...for "do"...maybe it should be "did"? The rest seems to be past tense so I'm not really sure but it reads awkward. Would also add in a comma after "crazy"]
I don't like that Elena introduces herself and then promptly introduces her weight and height, it felt unnatural. If I'm introducing myself to someone I wouldn't tell them I'm of a "healthy" weight and "five feet five inches tall", so I'm not believing it either-it feels like it's more here for the story purposes, as if she doesn't understand that we "see her"...I mean...I don't know it just didn't click with me, felt too cliche as a character description right off the bat. Would like to have seen it worked in more gradually.
I like the beginning of this prologue and I like the end of the prologue, but I'm overall not a fan of the digression in the middle. I like that this is kind of breaking the fourth wall but at the same time it makes me think-who is she talking to? Does she know that she is physically a character in a novel? Is she writing this down in a journal, who is the "you", and if it is the reader, does that then mean she's conscious of being in a story...? If you do something like this I think it raises a lot more questions about where the narration is coming from, especially if it's in present tense. You kind of have both tenses at play here so I think you should pick one and stay consistent. Is it past tense-or present? Even your first line is fragmented.
"Would you believe me if I told you" is in past tense, while "I see ghosts" is in present tense with "see"... Then the second line is in past tense with "would be"...so I'm not quite sure, there's some tenseness there that I think should be relieved by picking one.
Overall though, interested to see what the ghost of souls is, that sounds fresh and creative so I'm willing to follow Elena on this journey. As a prologue it raises more questions than answers, which I think is of course the purpose...it's meant to draw us in, I think you accomplished that.